fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2555 ]

[ SECRET POST #2555 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2555 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Attack on Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin]

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03.

[The Muppet Movie]

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04.

[Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]

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05.

[Frozen]

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06.

[Once Upon a Time]

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07.

[Dissonance]

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08.

[Zooey Deschanel]

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09.

[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]

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10.

[Eona: The Last Dragoneye]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 038 secrets from Secret Submission Post #364.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 2 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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....I want to laugh, when almost all the threads here tonight just make me want to rage...

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month!

This always makes me laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY

Why did the cat cross the road?

It didn't. It did this instead:

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Are you laughing at me, punk?

So a Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "five beers please!"

What color is burnt gold?

I'll bite, what colour is burnt gold? (Molten, lava, my brain is unpunny tonight.)

AUburn! :D

how do you ask what a glass of water is doing?

if farmer A sells potatoes and farmer B sells apples, what does farmer C sell?

what do storm clouds wear to keep their pants up?

How?

I don't know.

What?

Re: TELL ME A JOKE F!S

loracarol - 2014-01-01 02:47 (UTC) - Expand

Re: TELL ME A JOKE F!S

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-01 02:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: TELL ME A JOKE F!S

loracarol - 2014-01-01 03:04 (UTC) - Expand

Re: TELL ME A JOKE F!S

lynx - 2014-01-01 04:21 (UTC) - Expand

An Irishman walks out of a pub.

Q: Why did the Swede carry a car door in the dessert?
A: So he could open the window when he got hot.

Only one I can think of right now that translates well...

LOL almost perfect (the humour translates) except desert is one "s" unless your hypothetical Swedishbro is wading through a cake..... XD

Well he is Swedish so it could happen...

It is a case of my iPad correcting spelling for me, and I didn't double check if it was correct. But thank you for telling me, I keep messing up those things!

Let's see if I can remember some more (I guess you could change the nationality to suit whichever country you make jokes about):

In Sweden they have signs on roundabouts that says: max 3 rounds.

Q: Why does the Swede have empty bottles in his fridge?
A: in case someone visits and isn't thirsty.

I can never think of any good jokes, but I was thinking of funny movie scenes about writing the other day and have been laughing at this one since: http://www.anyclip.com/movies/hamlet-2/trying-to-write-2/#!info/ (nsfw for naked butt)
My process is a little like his at times. XD

On a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."

Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball.

Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."

True to form, however, Jesus' ball ended up back in the water. Moses parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.

"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like, but I'm not parting the water for you again."

"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus. "But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."

Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.

Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water. "Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"

"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer".

omg lol

CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESY goodness LOL

djvhkjfdhg X'DDDD ILU ANON

[NOTE: I'm aware that there are different versions of this joke, but the version I'm familiar with had a Polish guy so that's the one I'm using.]

An American guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are discussing space travel.

"My people were the first in space!" the Russian guy says smugly.

"Oh yeah? Well my people were the first on the moon!" the American guy says, equally smugly.

Then the Polish guy chimes in with: "My people are going to be the first on the sun!"

The American guy and the Russian guy both look at him like he's crazy.

"You can't go to the sun!" says the Russian guy.

"Yeah! You'd burn up!" says the American guy.

The Polish guy rolls his eyes and says: "We're not stupid. We're going at night!"

What's brown and sticky?

A STICK.

I'd tell you some chemistry jokes, but all the good ones argon.

So there's these three elderly men, right? And they're sitting on a park bench, just talking. And the first one says, "Oh, being old, it's the worst. My bowel movements - I can't piss anymore. It's awful. I get up in the morning at 7 and I go to the toilet and I just stand there and nothing comes out. It's horrible, it's awful." So the second guy says, "You think that's bad? I can't take a crap anymore. I wake up in the morning at 7:30, I go to the toilet, I sit there and I push and I push and I squeeze and I squeeze but nothing happens. Oh, it's so bad!" And then the third guy speaks up, and he says, "You think you two have it bad? At 6:30 every morning I take a huge piss and I shit myself wonderfully, everything goes completely smoothly, there's no problems at all - at 6:30 every morning like clockwork. It's terrible." The first two guys are confused. They tell him that's not so bad. "What are you complaining about?" they ask him. Guy says, "The problem is, I don't wake up till 7:30."

So this baby seal walks into a club....

(I'm sorry, that one's hilarious but also horrible)

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barman says "What is this, a joke?"

Thirteen Dwarves walk into a bar; the hobbit snickers and walks under it unharmed.

Again with the country jokes, but insert the country you tell jokes about wherever you like. Also, this is one better said allowed. Especially if you can roll your r's.

A border patrol guy is checking passports when he runs across a suspicious one. He pulls the guy around to the inspection zone and takes him inside. After a some questioning, the traveller slips up and almost incriminates himself. The border guy knows it, but wants to play with him a little.

"Okay, traveller," the agent says, "I'll make you a deal. If you can say use three words in a sentence, you can go on through."

Feeling confident, the traveller agrees. "Fine, what words?"

"Green, pink, and yellow."

The traveller furrows his brow for a moment, thinking. The agent sits back with a grin, knowing he has this in the bag, but the traveller looks up with a grin, too.

"That is easy! The phone goes, 'GRRRREENGRRRRREEN,' and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow!'"

There's a Roman scholar and a Greek scholar discussing their respective empires over a glass of wine.
The Greek, feeling boastful says, "Greek civilisation is obviously superior- the Greeks invented the art of war."
The Roman frowns, and replies, "well, the Romans took your art of war and we built an empire from it!"

A little annoyed the Greek scholar tries again, "the Greeks invented mathematics."
The Roman counters this,"maybe so, but the Romans refined that; we took your mathematics and we built roads, perfectly straight ones across our entire empire!"

So the Greek thinks for a while, then finally comes up with something he's certain cant be beaten, "the Greeks invented sex!"
"true," says the Roman, "but we introduced it to women."

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[ SECRET POST #2555 ]

TELL ME A JOKE F!S

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Jesus and Moses were playing golf

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[Insert Country Here]

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