fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2560 ]

[ SECRET POST #2560 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2560 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 052 secrets from Secret Submission Post #366.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
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Oh for fucks sake... I am sick and tired of constantly being told how to act and what to do around mentally ill or suicidal people.

Because as someone who grew up with a seriously mentally ill mother and assorted family members* and has always been their shrink/confidante/helper/whatever the fuck they needed. I am entitled to get away! It is not my fucking responsibility to keep anyone else alive, the only thing I and anyone else has to do in a situation where mental illness is involved is to help the individual to get professional help and be there for them, but not anymore than we have to be there for anyone else.

You know what growing up like I did taught me? That when I wanted to take my own life, the only thing that stopped me was the fear that I would fail (which would result in my family breaking apart and me having to be there to fix it from a hospital bed). I didn't even think about asking my family for help, because I am not allowed to be weak. So I sat in a dark room almost dying without reaching out... That is what the attitude of "you have to do everything for someone who is mentally ill because they are sick and you are not allowed to do anything except be supportive." can result in. Because even someone as "strong" as me needs to do stuff for themselves, we can't always be there for everyone else, but every damn time we don't pick up the phone or can't be there for someone we are deemed to be selfish, because we are not sick.

So after 23 years on this earth, I still can't turn my phone off, I still have to listen to my family's problems (and solve them), I still have to call the police/ambulance/shrinks for them. And I have to listen to my aunt tell me that she tried to hang herself in her living room or that my mother got beaten by her boyfriend on the 23d of December. I have to convince my mother to leave her boyfriend or get to a damn shrink, I have to make sure my aunts won't end up alcoholics again. I have to figure out how much longer my uncles jail time is so I know what to say to his daughter when I talk to her. And that is just the top of the freaking iceberg, but yeah I just have to take it, because they are sick, they are addicts and/or bipolar or schizophrenic, they have a disease that they can't control so it is my responsibility to make sure they survive and don't do anything too stupid. Because I am not sick, because I can't call my mother crazy without people telling me off, because I can't vent about it to anyone, because I don't have anyone to vent to...

*And two aunts and two uncles + grandmother

~~woah, that got long and slightly off topic... I will probably regret posting this at some point...~~

*hugs*

Thanks Anon!

I am good tho, just angry at ignorant people right now.

Wow...I'm sorry..... that really sucks.

Life in general sucks, mine just has a bit more bumps in the road than others. Doesn't mean I have a bad life, or my family doesn't love me, just means that I am easily pissed off when I am constantly told that I have to help anyone who is suicidal and if I don't I am evil...

-coughs- Can you look for a caregivers support group in your area? Or, if not there, one of the online ones? 'Cause it sounds like it might really help since it'll give you a group who understands what you're going through/will listen to you vent.

Or...if you'd like, I could pm you my e-mail or something? Since I've been where you are and it's hard if you can't vent to someone.

I don't like support groups, the tend to be so Politically Correct and thoughtful, also pretty big on how much of an hero or how strong we are to support someone who is mentally ill. I get why that would be helpful for people, but I don't fit in. Just like I don't fit into the support groups for foster kids.

I have friends I vent to once in a while, I just don't like putting it all on them. I deal with it quite well most of the time, this just came out because I have been pissed at all the tumblr posts that makes mentally ill people into some kind of super strong special snowflakes that everyone has to care for. Not that I don't think we should care for everyone on this planet or be there for those in need, but being sick does not make you stronger or better than anyone else.

My life is pretty good most of the time, and I love my family even if they are fuckings idiots most of the time. They do love me and support me back, but when they are at their worst someone has to help them. And apparently that role is mine. Thank you for offering tho Anon, and if you ever need anyone to talk to I am around!

*hugs* I know exactly what you're going through. To even knowing what it's like having a mother who is dating a complete abusive asshole. It fucking sucks having to be the strong one and have no one to turn to when you happen to be at your darkest hour. I've had to mentally stop myself about three times from offing myself even though I desperately wanted to, just because I knew who it would affect and how I wouldn't be the crutch for them anymore. :/

Family is fun eh? I've thought about killing myself so many times, most of it is just an odd sort of comfort, not really suicidal, just a "if I didn't live anymore no one could make me solve their problems" thing. I moved far away from them all, so currently all I can do is over the phone which is better than when I lived in the same city.. When I was a teenager I did almost kill myself quite a few times, but other than a couple of scars on my ankle I have no lasting damage. And like you the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my family would fall apart, also I was scared I would fail.

I hope you are okay Anon? And if you need anyone to talk to I am around!

~~now I want to live because I am curious of what my life will lead to, but yeah.~~

I'm a little bit better now that I'm living with my boyfriend. I don't tell him everything that my crazy family has put me through, because I guess growing in that environment made me naturally hate the feeling of overwhelming people with troublesome information. But he knows enough to want me to stay with him then let me live in a household that triggered my stress levels through the roof.

My stepfather is a manipulative and abusive piece of work that has been the cause of emotional and sometimes sexual and physical abuse to me. So trying to make my mom understand that his abuse towards her and to me was inappropriate and that he at the very least needed to get a therapist was like pulling teeth. It was totally useless to try and talk sense into her. Even though I sometimes feel pangs of guilt for leaving her behind where I can only consult her through the phone, I refuse to go back to that place. She also can be emotionally exhausting, having called me at least 60 times in less than an hour because she wanted me to talk right then even though I was at work. On top of that I do have a schizophrenic aunt who needs care, but as long as I'm compliant with her and use a soft voice, she gets along well with me.

For the longest time of feeling like I would burden my friends with this information, I did struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts. But venting once in a while to them kind of helped the depression. I just graduated, so I'm kind of fighting off depression; I guess not having to deal with school anymore made me burnout or something. I'm just trying to take it easy for maybe another week, then find some work when I'm energized enough for it.

If you do have any advice to get out of this exhaustive state, please feel free to give any. I don't really act abnormally or anything, but I cannot seem to get enough sleep. I can sleep for 12 hours and still feel exhausted. I want to get out of that habit really badly because I need to get out and find a job.

You don't have to tell your boyfriend everything, but if you can go to some kind of person like a psychiatric nurse (or a shrink) to talk that could help, or maybe just write it down somewhere. I write bad poetry about it, that seems to help.

Also realise you can't fix everything, but if you are anything like me you can't just ignore your mother, but try to make her understand that she needs a professional to talk to her. And remember she has survived this long, she can survive longer. So if you don't pick up the phone it isn't the end of the world.

I think you got what I tend to get with regularity. Not depression but something close to it, which in Norwegian is called "burnedoutness". And the only cure is time.

Well time and some dedication, you just have to not push yourself too hard and set goals that you can reach. Also try to get enough sleep (but not too much, as that can make you tired), try to do something productive every day. It does not have to be much, clean the dishes or make dinner. And in your case, try to look for jobs one day and mark those that seem good then the day after write some applications and the day after that hand them out and so on. If you only manage to apply for one job, that is good enough!

Making a schedule is also an good idea, and schedule everything, because then you can add in time where you do nothing. If you are interested I can show you mine? (I schedule cleaning and times to eat and so on)

Also if it is possible find someone else that is doing the same (or me, I can be that person) that also is trying something similar.

Other than that, try to eat as healthily as you can manage (and afford), but don't worry if you eat something unhealthy. Same with everything else that has to be done, if you can't do it today, tomorrow is also a day and you can do it then.

Oh and the sleep thing, are you sure you have all your vitamins and minerals? If you could, go to a doctor and test it, and then take supplements for whichever vitamins/Minerals you might be missing. Because I was having trouble getting enough sleep and it turned out I have half as much B and D vitamins as I should have.

(reply from suspended user)

The odd thing is that my family wasn't the one that made me do it, it is everyone else around us. Even the foster care system used my responsibility for my family against me and enabled me to continue being the responsible one in my family. My step mother was more abusive than any of my other family members put together, and evidence would suggest that she is not mentally ill...

The rest of my family expects me to be the one to know how our family members are, and to help them out when needed. Heck even my mothers neighbour called me and asked me to tell me that I had to make my mother stop.

I don't really mind doing it, I am good at just cutting that part of my life off when I am not dealing with it.

I am just sick and tired of seeing all the posts on tumblr (and elsewhere) that basically tells people that you have to help mentally ill people, that you are an horrible person if you can't handle them at their worst and so on.

Because handling my family members at their worst is impossible, all you can do is make sure any children around is safe (none of my family members are dangerous, but children can get scared), and that when they fall asleep they are breathing and nothing is on fire. If you are lucky you can get them admitted to a mental institution for a couple of days, but that only helps a bit.

So no one is a bad person for not being able to handle something like that, you are not evil or mean because you can't handle someone who is mentally ill. You are just human and no one has the right to shame you for that.

I'm like this for some of my family (namely mother) and several of my friends. And after a decade of having to be the emotional grown-up for my parents and every other person around me, getting horrendously sick and nearly failing out of my first semester of college, I have finally gotten over the "guilt" of just taking care of myself, emotionally, and not always being there for other people.

I am not a fucking professional and I have my own life, my own needs, and my own problems. If so many people have trouble just being able to deal with their own problems, why am I supposed to feel guilty about feeling the strain of dealing with my own problems AND half a dozen other people's problems?

I don't want to abandon anyone - but that includes myself.

I failed out of two years of University because of my family, so I know where you are coming from. I hope you can continue to take care of yourself Nyxelestia and that you can put your needs first!

I am getting better, but sometimes I help them because they have no one else. And I can handle it (most of the time).

The attitude that you have to help someone no matter what is seriously fucked up, are we really supposed to sacrifice our own mental health for someone elses?

I try to remind myself that you can't help anyone if you aren't there for yourself too. It is a lifetime of habit i have to change, and mostly I don't want to change. In a twisted way I like being needed.

I've seen people tout both the whole "you should do whatever it takes to help someone and help them no matter what mentality", and also the "you should only ever have sex if you are 100% enthusiastic about it, anything less is a NO". I wonder what they would say if confronted with my situation of being involved with a couple with a Christmas terminal worth of baggage in themselves and in their relationship, and am at this point engaging with someone sexually even though I get literally no pleasure or personal benefit out of it and am mostly dealing with it for obligation, of the, "I know I should just step out but if I do, one of the couple will go into a spiral of depression and self-loathing and the other will go on a self-destructive streak of unprotected and unsafe sexual activity that will inevitably get them hurt or killed.

So I'm slowly easing out of it, but I'm still looking at months of sexual activity that I'm only engaging in to keep two other people from falling apart. -_- Fuck yes, I'm going to spend days or weeks refusing to see anyone except for school/work and not feeling at all guilty about it.

Re: This pissed me off (TW: suicide) - same here

making_excuses - 2014-01-06 01:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: This pissed me off (TW: suicide) - same here

nyxelestia - 2014-01-06 08:06 (UTC) - Expand

Re: This pissed me off (TW: suicide) - same here

making_excuses - 2014-01-06 14:05 (UTC) - Expand

oh god. this. thank-you for summing it up so well.

(deleted comment)

I live on my own... Have for the last 5 or so years.

But thanks anyway.

Edited 2014-01-06 00:09 (UTC)

ooop, deleted this too slow.

I'd leave my phone off on occasion, but I'm not you. Seems you deserve a break :(

Re: This pissed me off (TW: suicide)

making_excuses - 2014-01-06 00:24 (UTC) - Expand

D: Oh man that's all really shitty and horrible situation/life. Kudos to you for hanging in there and I hope you can get some more time for you.

I don't think of it like that, it's been how I have lived my whole life. I don't really think about it that much, but it pisses me off when the idea that you should always be there for someone no matter what if they have some kind of mental issues does not take into account the fact that being there for people to that degree is pretty damaging to the "healthy" ones too.

I have time for myself, just sometimes that time is taken away from me because of a family crisis, which might be more often than other people.

That really sucks, and it reminds me of my mom's situation when her parents were alive and her abusive shitbag of an older brother was slowly dying. It was an awful situation all around and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. *hugs*

Yeah it isn't always fun, I am sorry your mother had to go through that, I am lucky in the sense that my family is not abusive just badly damaged.

I'm catching up late but wanted to offer *hugs*. My teen years were basically spent being my dad's therapist for, oh, 6hrs+ a day. It was a good day if it was less than 3. My dad was also very abusive, so when I turned 18, I said "fuck that shit", and left. I don't know what it would've been if I hadn't had that anger to fuel that. I see from further comments you aren't living with them -- I am sorta lucky in that my dad is so conspiracy theory paranoid that he won't email or phone.

Just, so you know, if you ever need to talk, my contact info is in my profile. *more hugs, if you want them*

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