fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2622 ]

[ SECRET POST #2622 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2622 ⌋

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Notes:

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Of course I (kind of) love my family and I do have friends whom I like a lot and I would be crushed if anything happened to these people and honestly wish the best for them yadda yadda, but -

My girlfriend is my best friend, my partner in life, my love interest and by far the most important person to me in the universe.

I began thinking about this because of one of the Sherlock secrets (don't watch the show, but I saw gifs, many gifs). You know the part when people say Aww, John and Sherlock (Merlin and Arthur, Kirk and Spock) are meant to be and other people say nope, they just love each other as best friends, you silly kitty, John romantically loves Mary, Arthur Guinevere, Spock Uhura.

What I'm realizing now is that I can't personally relate to loving two people at the same time - maybe in different ways, but with similar intensity. How do you guys do that? I can't imagine having a friend who would be as close to me as my girlfriend and I'm sad to admit I'd be fucking jealous if my girlfriend had a friend who was as emotionally close to her as I am. Or, if you twist it around, I can't imagine not sleeping with my best friend. My only other long term relationship was with a boy in high school and we basically started as childhood friends who turned into bf and gf.

Is this immature or what.

No? Why would it be immature? As long as you don't insist it's impossible or weird for other people just because you can't do it, I see no problem. It's the same thing as kinks I guess, you don't have to have a certain kink to see why someone else might be into it.

I can do it, it's nbd to me though.

It's not immature, it's just people operate differently. I for one don't really understand your point of view, as I would never think of sleeping with my best friend. Best friend and partner are two different categories in my head, but I see them as equal types of love. Nothing wrong with either of our feelings, just people being different.

It's just your way of being in a relationship? Why would it be immature? It harms nobody, and nor is it unhealthy. Unless it bothers you, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

As an asexual who's never experienced romantic/sexual attraction to anyone, I cannot really talk about this kind of relationships, but I do have different kinds of friendships that are all equally strong. Sometimes I also develop a weird sense of respect and loyalty (kinda like a one-sided friendship), usually towards multiple people. And it never goes away, which would make life difficult for me if I could only feel it towards one person at a time.

Thanks for your input, yours and the above replies made me realize I was trying to filter the diversity of people's experiences through the little box of my own perception.

Sometimes I also develop a weird sense of respect and loyalty (kinda like a one-sided friendship), usually towards multiple people.
Yeah, I do that too ;)

Okay, so let's break this down.

I began thinking about this because of one of the Sherlock secrets

and

What I'm realizing now is that I can't personally relate to loving two people at the same time - maybe in different ways, but with similar intensity.

combined with

Is this immature or what.

Please, please, please never again wonder if you are immature because you're comparing yourself to Sherlock fandom

I can totally relate to you. At the same time, I can totally relate to other people who can have best friends that intimate. I used to have a best friend, but we grew apart with time and her getting married. I'd LOVE to have that sort of emotional freedom with somebody. Unfortunately it's hard to get that close to people once you're an adult. It sucks. So I'm wondering if it's not that we can't love two people at once so much that it's just hard to find.

Edited 2014-03-08 21:49 (UTC)

Being an adult sucks, period, but yeah, I see where you're coming from. It's difficult getting close to other adults because everybody seems to have pretty fixed social circles, not to mention many people either have paired themselves off like I did or seem to be on a quest to do that, so the emotional availability market is limited.

I think it's just a difference. I can see where you're coming from in the narrow sense that I tend to communicate little details about my daily life with only one person at a time (used to be a close friend, then it was my ex, now sadly it's my mother) but there are a number of people who are incredibly important to me in different ways. My best friend of 16 years? Not a chance I'd be romantically interested in her, but if you had held her up next to my girlfriend there's no way I could have picked one that I loved more. I think it's just different for you, and that's okay.

now sadly it's my mother
Why sadly? It's often presented like a lonely cat lady cliché, but I think it's awesome to be close with your mother.

Thanks for sharing your POV.

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

inkdust - 2014-03-08 22:09 (UTC) - Expand

I think it's only immature if you go around saying people are lying or bizarre or weird if they do love more than one person.

I do indulge in using the word bizarre now and then but not for this reason. It's a cool word.

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

unicornherds - 2014-03-08 23:01 (UTC) - Expand

Not immature, no, but I can't relate. My boyfriend sees me as 'girlfriend' only and not as a friend. My best friend isn't my boyfriend, either, but he doesn't consider me his best friend, so yeah.

Yes, I can. But I do see them all as different kinds of loving someone because the people I love, or have loved, are different. Different but equal.

For example, I have two sisters. I love them both equally, I don't love one more than the other. The same goes for my love interests, for lack of a better word.

(I am monogamous, but I know I'm capable of loving two or more people at the same time. It doesn't mean I "act" on it.)

No. This is really normal in fact.

I have been in love exactly once but he was easily the most important person in the universe to me. Even with family and friends who I love fiercely and would do many things for, he was my #1 human being, unquestionably.

Yes, that's my experience. I do love other people in my life, but my gf is just way at the top of the love (and sharing and emotional fulfillment) chain. I'm in no way insinuating it's weird or impossible, but I still marvel at people whose heart is big enough to love more than one person "the most" (to use a corny metaphor).

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

diet_poison - 2014-03-09 01:42 (UTC) - Expand

I actually do think it's a little immature. It's normal, but it's not mature. I mean, it's one thing if you just have that one close friend who do you everything with, that's your lifestyle and you like it that way. But if you're jealous if your girlfriend has other friends who she has "emotionally intimate" (not sexual) relationships with? I understand it, because I've felt the same way before but... it is still immature.

Yeah, I recognize the possessivenes of it. I'm not jealous of my gf being emotionally intimate with other people, but I would be jealous/hurt if there was a person she was as emotionally invested into as she is into me. (This sounds a bit like I'm overthinking this, but I'm trying to describe it accurately.)

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

(Anonymous) - 2014-03-09 00:09 (UTC) - Expand

This implies that that kind of jealousy is something people normally - and are supposed to - grow out of and I don't think that's the case. Being capable of loving more than one person with equal intensity doesn't mean you're forever incapable of feeling jealousy, and feeling jealous doesn't mean that you won't be able get a handle on those feelings and move past them without causing any harm.

As an adult, you potentially have a lot more riding on your significant relationships (support network, business interests, shared children/property/household) than you did as a kid and I think it's quite rational to be protective of those relationships because of this. The jealousy this can trigger may not be rational, but it comes from a real, understandable place. Maturity is not about never experiencing jealousy ever, it's about how you deal with those feelings.

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

diet_poison - 2014-03-09 01:45 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

inkdust - 2014-03-09 02:11 (UTC) - Expand

Well yes you can love more than one person. Some people can love more than one person romantically. But pretty much everyone loves more than one person in different contexts. I mean you love your parents I assume?

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

seventh_seal - 2014-03-09 10:56 (UTC) - Expand

Nothing immature about that! As long as you're not bashing people who do, I don't see the problem. I'm poly myself, because I can't not love multiple people; for me the difference is not love but commitment. I may love some of my friends with the same intensity as my partner and girlfriends but I am not committed to them in the same way. I have a lot of love to go around, and I don't expect it to be reciprocated in the same way, hardly. It's just, for me, the way I experience love. Does that make sense?

Yes, I can, but it's not the same degree of love. It's usually not even the same type of love. I can think of a lot of times in my life where I've been in love with someone very deeply in a more platonic way and had very sexual crushes on other people.

Just to address your topic question, yes I can love more than one person, in the sexual/relationship sense, but I guess I'm just wired for polyamory. Not everyone is, and that's cool. I don't have trouble having a close platonic friend and a partner either.

Idk, it doesn't seem that unhealthy to me if you can't, though I think work through the jealousy feelings to see if they can improve since that can be an inconvenient emotion.

No, as long as you don't throw static at those of us who have had multiple relationships.

Immaturity would be insisting that people can't love more than one person at a time, that they are wrong or just 'not in love' or 'not in love enough', or any other similar bullshit.

But here, while you may not understand how are why, you are trying to, and you do realize that just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. That's actually a pretty mature standpoint to take, from some perspectives.

I'm aromantic so I can't really grasp falling in love with anybody, but I can absolutely respect that most people do. I do have very strong, deep friendships with people, usually more than one at a time, and I do currently have a boyfriend (who is well aware that I am aromantic), and for a variety of reasons we are not exclusive, and part of that is just trying to 'contain' sentiment to only one person is uncomfortable - even if that sentiment isn't necessarily romantic.

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

seventh_seal - 2014-03-09 11:03 (UTC) - Expand

I do think ranking who you love the most is kind of immature, honestly. I mean, maybe in some people's situations it's obvious. But ranking seems so grade school. Like it's a competition or something. I also find it a little strange that you can't love more than one person? I don't think you being jealous is weird, that's normal (if not mature, per se) but you feel that you can't have any serious relationships, sexual or otherwise, with more than one person... seems like you're really confining yourself.

Re: Can you love more than one person? I can't.

seventh_seal - 2014-03-09 11:00 (UTC) - Expand

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