[ SECRET POST #2622 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2622 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 076 secrets from Secret Submission Post #375.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

to ask if someone is autistic or has aspergers?

Re: Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

Why do you need to know?

And yeah I don't think so, it's usually pretty rude to diagnosis someone.

Re: Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

Not that I can think of, no. (And in my experience, a lot of people who are won't be shy about saying so without being asked, although as I said, just my experience.)

Re: Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

Nope. But you could maybe hint or bring up the topic and see if they then tell you?

Re: Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe if you are yourself and say that you're wondering if they are too, but even then... still probably kinda rude unless you know them really well.

No but...

[insanenoodlyguy]

the good news is, if they are, they might not actually care when you ask them.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

Well, yes and no. Depends on the situation? I'm an Aspie, and the couple of times someone relatively strange to me asked me if I was, it was because I'd done something weird without realising. Even if you don't mind being asked, there's a bit of a 'shit, what did I do wrong?' panicky thing that can come with it. Won't apply in all circumstances though, or to all Aspies/Autistics. Luck of the draw, I guess?

Though, yes, so long as the question isn't being screamed at me or something, it won't bother me on its own merits. I am what I am, after all.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

OP anon

This is kind of the situation and why I asked. I have an online friend that has just done/said a few odd things now and then and I was curious - it would also help me be more patient with his hmm, quirks, if I knew. It would definitely not be meant as an insult or a dig or anything, just as a way to help out our friendship.

But I think I shall just attempt to be patient with him regardless and not actually ask, as the consensus seems to be it would be rude to ask.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

Um. It maybe depends on your friendship, but if the things he's doing are odd in the sense of offensive or uncomfortable, it might help him to know that? It's always really embarrassing and horrible when someone points out something I'm doing, but I tend to think it's better to know so I a) know there's something concrete I'm doing that's maybe making people react funny, and b) can keep it in mind so I can try and stop.

You don't have to bring Aspergers or Autism into it, there are any number of things that can lead to people acting weird, but you can maybe just ask the next time he does something weird why he's doing it? If he doesn't know it's weird, it might help him to, and if he does know and is doing it on purpose, then maybe you might mention it anyway so he knows you're weirded out.

I don't know, maybe your circumstances are different, but generally I'd prefer honesty about these things.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

As another Aspie I agree with this. I'd just mention the behavior as nothing but a behavior if it's something he's done repeatedly that makes you uncomfortable. Aspie or not, I think most people would want to know.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

OP

Thank you, you and both the other Aspie anons. This is really good advice, I'll try and work it into conversation next time one of his odd behaviors presents itself. I'm just really bad at any type of confrontation and a bit paranoid about coming off as rude, so wasn't sure how to handle this.

Re: No but...

[dancing_clown]

You shouldn't need a diagnosis to be "patient with his quirks." Either you are or you aren't.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

Hm, I think I'm explaining things wrong. But I'm not sure how to explain. However the other anons offer good advice.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

But it's the behavior that's the issue here, not the label, right? So address the behavior.

"Hey friend, did you just say [odd thing]? Because that's not really okay."

You don't have to humiliate your friend, but friends should be able to check each other if/when something weird happens.

Re: No but... OT aside.....

[tabaqui]

Okay, so, literature, tv, whatever, generally shows a person with Aspergers or Autism as having, maybe, a 'quirk', like - 'John likes to talk about the origin of names' or 'Mary knows everything there is to know about the history of shoes'. And generally it's presented as 'oh, hey, John, remember we talked about not talking about names to everyone you meet?'

But what if the thing (or things) that John or Mary like to talk about is *interesting*? Is it a big deal if you actually engage them in conversation about it? Yes, it might not be 'normal' behavior to point out how that open-toed pump is a variation on a wing-tip or whatever, but then quoting Supernatural or having an 'anti-possession' tattoo isn't exactly 'normal', either.

As an Aspie, as you say - if someone indulged or genuinely was interested in something like that, or mostly ignored or wasn't bothered by 'weird' behavior, would it be a bad thing, or a good thing, or a neutral thing for you?

Re: No but... OT aside.....

[(Anonymous)]

I think I'm the anon you're replying to ...

Um. See, most of my 'quirks' that get commented on are less related to my knowledge base, which to be fair a lot of people, Aspie or not, can have, and more to do with the fact that I have trouble telling what's socially appropriate when, and also trouble picking up non-verbal cues about things like people being uncomfortable or stuff like that. The contents of my cyclical obsessions aren't usually the issue? I think, as you said, that lots of people have those even when they're not Aspie/Autistic. It's more that I tend to ignore people at the wrong moments, or sit funny (that took a long, long time to train myself out of), or go on about something ad nauseum long after those around me have started silently wishing I'd shut up/wishing they could strangle me.

I think the main thing of it is, I can't tell generally if people have a problem with what I'm doing right now unless they tell me. If someone doesn't mind or is interested in something I'm doing, that's awesome and they can feel free to let it ride as long as they like. I'd just like people to speak up the moment they're not interested/comfortable around me, because I have trouble telling on my own.

Usually, I'm fine with whatever people are comfortable with, it's just easier for me if they verbally point out where their boundaries are because I have trouble with non-verbal indicators. Um. If that answers your question any?

Re: No but... OT aside.....

[tabaqui]

It does, in a general way, heh. I know, though, that interrupting someone and saying 'yeah, okay, shut up now' (only more politely) isn't something that i would do unless you were my friend/sibling, and that most people *won't* do for fear of offense. Or for fear of someone getting pissed off.

If i knew you enough to know that you didn't mind, though, i'd do it in a heartbeat. And you say you 'sat funny' - well, funny to *whom*? My daughter seems to spend half her life twisted up like a pretzel. Unless you mean upsidedown or with your heels behind your head, why would anyone be bothered or really care? So long as you're not sitting on *me*....

Re: No but... OT aside.....

[(Anonymous)]

I know, though, that interrupting someone and saying 'yeah, okay, shut up now' (only more politely) isn't something that i would do unless you were my friend/sibling, and that most people *won't* do for fear of offense.

Yeah. This is why I'm half tempted a lot of the time to just open with 'I'm an Aspie, tell me if I'm starting to be annoying because I genuinely and literally cannot tell', but it's been pointed out to me that that just makes people uncomfortable all on its own.

On the bright side, I don't tend to talk to a lot of strangers (though I end up listening to a lot of them for some reason - I get more life stories in bus stops and canteens) and my family/friends know me enough to say shut up as necessary.

And you say you 'sat funny' - well, funny to *whom*? My daughter seems to spend half her life twisted up like a pretzel. Unless you mean upsidedown or with your heels behind your head, why would anyone be bothered or really care? So long as you're not sitting on *me*....

Pretzel, yes. It was also that when I was a kid I had a tendency to sit/perch anywhere and everywhere. As in, lacking proper seating I'd just plop wherever looked handy, including the floor, regardless of company or location. And sometimes in preference to proper seating, because I do tend to sit 'yoga style' or all curled up and not all chairs are good for that. It's maybe a regional thing, but people around here don't like when you do that? I don't know, I can't track trends of what's appropriate where very well. (I still do this at home, barring strange company, but home is home).

Also, when I'm overwhelmed, I tend to ball reflexively. And, um, sometimes put my hands over my ears and pull my knees to my chest. I've largely gotten over that, but I've also had cyclical depressions and severe anxiety for years, and even into college I had some bad moments of literally curling up in lecture halls because the wave of people-noises drove me wrong and I couldn't make myself stand up to get out of there.

That's a specific case, a panic behaviour, but a lot of my smaller 'weird' tics have similar origins and get commented on the same way. Apparently I move oddly in some ways, and have this tendency of not looking at people when I'm talking to them, and I can get randomly caught up in sensory input which apparently can look anything from mildly unusual to really odd to onlookers.

I do try to keep the more extreme ones to a minimum now, but sometimes I can't tell in time, or can't help it (most of the sensory ones), and some of them I'm honestly not arsed to try. Um. Excuse the language. It's kind of ... it's a bit of a balancing act between what's comfortable for me and what's going to make other people uncomfortable, and for what reasons. I'm still working on it. In my bad moments I suspect I'm going to spend my entire life doing so :(

Ah well, though. There are perks.

Re: No but... OT aside.....

[tabaqui]

I find it...irritating that people get upset about being told 'hey, i have this issue, so in case it gets weird, know you can do x and it won't be a problem'. I mean, don't tell me in loving detail about your irritable bowel, but if you might go off on a ramble about the history of pens, or have a seizure? I'd rather know. It's very frustrating - and i know about 1000 times more for you - that anything that smacks of 'mental disorder' makes people act like dumbasses.

The impulse to curl in a ball in loud, public places is not just for Aspies! Heh. Actually, my niece is like that - she's probably borderline Aspergers or Autistic, she has a lot of behaviors that fall into that range, particularly rocking to self-sooth and some learning issues that make school a roller coaster (very smart, but can't write well, so timed tests are bad for her since she physically simply cannot write quickly enough. But ask the same questions aloud, including math stuff, and she's fine.). My sis-in-law spends a lot of time dealing with idiot school staff, but so far so good.

I would only look askance at floor sitting because i find most floors to be too gross to even attempt that.

Oh, hey, no worries re: language - you can even say 'fuck' if you want. :)
I'm glad there are perks, because having to wonder if walking across the room and sitting down is going to weird people out sounds exhausting. Although maybe people should just relax a little bit and stop being so knee-jerky.

Re: No but...

[(Anonymous)]

I'd be relieved if people asked me instead of just assuming I'm deliberately being obtuse. I dislike the "but you look so normal!" much more. :( That said, I agree with everything else my fellow anonymous Aspies have said.

Re: Is there a polite way

[inkdust]

No.

Re: Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

Probably not, but sometimes I think it's understandable why someone would.

True story: my husband had a co-worker whose quirks made him exceedingly difficult to work with, and he finally became exasperated to the point that he flat out asked the guy, "Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole, but in all seriousness: do you have a learning disability?" The guy's answer? "Nope. My parents have had me tested like eight times and I always come up normal."

Re: Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

OP
That story is close to the situation I'm in and why I asked. Sometimes knowing if someone has a disability or diagnosis can really help build your patience and also help in how you interact.

I actually have a language problem and can often come off as offensive when that is the last thing I meant. I often tell people this ahead of time so that they can maybe look a little more at my words to see what I'm attempting to say, but also so they can help by pointing out where I went wrong.

Re: Is there a polite way

[(Anonymous)]

I'm trying to find a polite way of suggesting to my 28yo cave-dwelling brother that he is showing quite a few signs he might be autistic (and he had a lot of learning difficulties growing up), and maybe his life would be much better if he got that checked out and if so he got some help, especially from our complacent parents who think autism is way over-diagnosed therefore he isn't (though it is in the family), but I can't think of a good way :( As it is, I'm really worried about him. Maybe it's not autism, and even if it was knowing about it wouldn't help, but he's prone to increasingly huge fits of anger and paranoia, and seems unable to get out of the spend-18-hours-a-day-on-the-net living with my parents and hardly any friends or work rut he's in.

I'm piggybacking on the topic but it was just an impulse to mention it.

Re: Is there a polite way

[nyxelestia]

There isn't really a polite way, but I wouldn't say that means you shouldn't ask - especially if the reason is because your online friend has been doing some behaviors/things that are a little uncomfortable.

Just start by bringing up and explaining those problems, why they make you uncomfortable, etc. If the friend is an Aspie, there's a very good chance that he'll bring it up on his own in this situation. Even if not, just ask (preface it with an "I don't want to be rude, BUT I would still like to know" and append it with "and if you don't want to say either way, feel free to tell me so").

I will say that the Aspies I actually know usually appreciate a little heads up about when they do something off-kilter enough to make people uncomfortable. Granted, most people are still uncomfortable pointing things out (which means people tell me and I have to tell them because apparently I'm just not), and it's like there are never instances that don't result in them taking things personally - it's just far less likely to happen, and as long as you keep it kind of isolated to a very specific point (i.e. not "don't be so loud" but rather "make sure your voice doesn't go above the surrounding decibel level, and lean in instead of raising your voice when you need to be heard" and then when they forget and start raising their voices again, a simple 'voice down, dude' works wonders), it's not really much of a problem.