fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2660 ]

[ SECRET POST #2660 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2660 ⌋

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(SORRY I POSTED THIS IN THE WRONG PLACE BEFORE, PLEASE KILL ME.)

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hi there, f!s, i'm just looking for advice

I'm in my early 20s, at uni, and I am bi. (I've only told one friend, don't want to tell the family because I don't know how they'll react.) lately I've been feeling very lonely & isolated, so I thought I'd be brave & go find other people to talk to. i'd sent an email to the uni's lgbt spokesperson, but they never replied.

so I went along to our uni's queer space.

(keep in mind I am a socially awkward, anxious kind of person, traits which I am trying to overcome. also our city is very small, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, so it feels like a big risk just being in a queer space and being seen. in case someone sees me who knows someone who knows someone who knows my family.)

I sat outside for a good fifteen minutes psyching myself into just walking inside.

it... was pretty awkward. there were about five other girls there, who sat at a table at the other end, all talking to each other. and two guys. I ended up talking to one of the guys who was pretty friendly. the girls were having a discussion about sex toys and other stuff, which was funny, but also SUPER incredibly awkward for me because I just don't talk about that kind of stuff. and they didn't really say hi to me or anything. it was pretty obvious they all knew each other very well.

and I felt like a prude and a massive nerd and completely out of place, and I ended up leaving to go to a lecture, and i haven't been back since.

what should i do? i just want to find a place where i can feel comfortable and at home, with other people like me. instead i just ended up feeling even more isolated.

oh anon, I'm so sorry to hear that :(

Your story gave me a flashback to the one Student Gay & Lesbian Alliance meeting I went to as a freshman in college. Everyone was incredibly extroverted and everyone seemed to know each other. It was so awkward and I felt so mousy and boring that I decided to stay in the closet forever because I was obviously too dull to be really bi. Totally optional hugs are here for you if you want them.

I don't really know what advice to give you. Sometimes awkward situations get better if you go back, and sometimes they don't. If you connected with one person there, it might be worth going back to see if you connect with him again. You might also find that you have an easier time being yourself in spaces that are queer-friendly, but not lgbt-specific.

What are some of the things you like to do?

sorry for the late reply!

i'm a bookworm. I love watching movies and plays, and listening to music. also writing. anything creative really.

i'm also familiar with a lot of nerdy stuff (anime, video games, comics).

so basically i'm just a massive dork haha. :)

the issue with that is that there seems to be a big emphasis on... like, clubbing and drinking and stuff? and i don't really know where else to meet people.

is there an anime club on campus? gaming groups? A film studies department that does screenings? A creative writing department that does readings? A visual arts department that does gallery nights? A local comic book store that hosts watching parties for nerdy TV shows? You mentioned it was a small city, but universities often have interest/entertainment/creative groups for various massive-dork pursuits :) I don't know your situation, though, so I don't want to make too many assumptions.

You mentioned your friend -- do they live in the same city? would they be willing to go to some of these things with you? I know it helps with my anxiety to have a "safe" person along in situations where I don't know anyone.

Also seconding the anon below who suggested online communities; it can really help with the feeling of isolation.

Sorry to ramble. I don't know if any of this is useful, ultimately. There are many, many people like you out there; I hope you find some of them soon. :)

I'd recommend going back. I know it'll be tough, but think of it like this: the first time you went, everyone was thinking "Who's this? I don't know her." This time, everyone will be thinking "Oh hey, I remember her, she was here once before." So you're going into a LESS awkward situation, which actually requires less bravery. And clearly you've got some reserves of bravery to draw on. :)

Then, once you're there, ask "Hey, can anyone recommend some good movies with queer themes? Something I can actually relate to, not fake like [queer movie you don't like]. Maybe something like [queer movie you do like]? I heard [some other queer movie] is pretty good, do you think it's worth checking out?"

If the person you're talking to says "I don't really watch movies" you just say "That's cool; do you know anyone here who does? I really want to get some recommendations from someone who understands, you know?"

And then you're having a conversation about movies. You have trained your whole life for this moment, young one. :)

I can relate. I didn't have a very good experience at my school's Pride Alliance either. It wasn't really bad, it's just that they didn't go out of their way to make me or any other new people feel welcome. I had a much better experience at the churchy stuff I went to, which was all perfect except for the fact that they all thought homosexuality is a sin (I didn't tell them where else I was spending my time).

My plan for the pride club was to keep showing up and looking for opportunities to start talking to people and see if there was anyone who shared my interests, but I ending up leaving the school just a few weeks after I worked up the nerve to start going. I'd suggest going at least one more time to see if some people might be friendlier the next time; there may have been some people who are better at greeting newbies who weren't there last time. Or maybe you'll get to know the guy you said was friendly better and that will work out. But if you go a few times and it doesn't seem like you're clicking with the people there and you're not interested in what they're talking about then there are probably better ways for you to be spending your time.

I wish there were more options for what you're looking for. I really wanted that too. I eventually made some friends through my girlfriend who helped, plus obviously my girlfriend could relate. I hope you find some people you can be comfortable with too.

Edited 2014-04-16 04:53 (UTC)

hi there, thank you for the reply! sorry this is so late!

wow are you me?

because i actually have a church small group i go to once a week, and i have to say i bond better with them. (and yes, apart from the whole "being gay is a sin" thing. no idea how they'd react!)

i think you're right. i'll go once more, since it would be silly to dismiss it based on just one meeting. and if i don't really feel welcome there, i guess i'll look elsewhere.

how did you meet your current girlfriend? are there other sorts of social events and things that are held? (not particularly seeking romance right now, more just... people i can relate to.)

thank you very much for your advice. :)

I actually met her on OKCupid. I had very good luck on there. Not only did I meet her but I started talking to some other people who are now friends of mine. It sounds like it might work for you too. My experience of the girl/girl side of that site was that it's very much "let's just see if we like talking to each other and if something grows from there, cool, but friends are cool too".

I would maybe see if the queer space/lgbt group has any meetings or events coming up, and go to those instead of randomly dropping in. There would likely be more people there, and that sort of atmosphere tends to encourage more discussion with people that aren't just the same friend group.

Also, depending on the area you're in, there might be some lgbt meetup groups or a municipal lgbt group that's more accommodating of shy people trying to get involved.

Alternatively, you can try to sound out your friends/acquaintances to see if any of them would be cool about your sexuality. Things like commenting about whichever states legalized gay marriage or "this article I randomly saw on the internet about bisexuality" or whatever. Who knows, maybe some of them are in the same situation! (Of course, only do that if you think it'd be safe. I'm absolutely not suggesting coming out to anyone if you're not comfortable with it.)

If that still doesn't work out, maybe you could make a tumblr/twitter/livejournal (I don't know where the cool kids hang out these days) and join some online lgbt communities? That would at least give you somewhere to talk to people who get that part of you, and you could stay anonymous enough to not worry about family/friends figuring you out.

Good luck!

Hey anon,

I don't know if you're still checking this thread. Wanted to wish you good luck in your search for like minded people. :) Seconding the suggestion to find people in groups related to things you like to do. Board gaming, anime, scifi, astronomy,etc. And definitely try some of the events rather than general group meetings for your LGBT group.

I had similar issues at University, but after a lot of trial and error I did find a group of people who I clicked with. I know you will too. :)

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[ SECRET POST #2660 ]

advice for socially awkward people still in the closet

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Re: advice for socially awkward people still in the closet

Re: advice for socially awkward people still in the closet

Re: advice for socially awkward people still in the closet

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