[ SECRET POST #2783 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2783 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 069 secrets from Secret Submission Post #398.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - random pattern image ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[dreemyweird]

The exact same problem here. Also, deep inside, I find I don't actually believe in good mother&daughter relationships.

Have some hugs, OP, if you want them :(

[(Anonymous)]

I understand personally feeling the way the OP does, but not "believing" in good mother/daughter relationships? IDGI. Do you, like, think that everyone who has a good relationship with their mom is actually lying or something?

[cassandraoftroy]

Nah, I understand the feeling. For a long time, I couldn't understand what fathers were *for* (beyond the sperm donation stage) or why anyone would want one.

[(Anonymous)]

Did you not personally know anyone who had a good father? Like, did none of your friends or classmates have a good father so you could see "what fathers were for"? Because otherwise I still don't understand this.

[cassandraoftroy]

A few of my friends probably had good relationships with their fathers, but the fathers' personalities were such that they triggered a fear response in child-me. Other friends' fathers were quiet and unassuming enough that they didn't make a strong enough impression to over-write my existing understanding of what fathers were like. The rest, I didn't really interact much with their parents (especially since I had an instinct to actively avoid fathers). It sounds like confirmation bias, but we're talking about an intuition and emotional understanding shaped in childhood, so confirmation bias is definitely a thing.

Part of it is also that, because my own father was never a source of any of the positive emotional support that constitutes what fathers are "for," I never learned to expect that from a father, growing up. Some people with bad relationships with a parent talk about feeling like they have an empty space in their life, or fantasize about fixing their relationship. I don't, because I never experienced enough of the positive to notice a lack; I just grew up not expecting emotional support or positive reinforcement from my father, because that wasn't where those things came from.

da

[(Anonymous)]

To be honest, sometimes you can grow up in an abusive or neglectful household where what would horrify "normal" outsiders is just everyday life for you.

For example, I thought parents pushing their problems onto their minor children was a normal thing, oversharing and using their offspring to satisfy their own emotional needs. It wasn't until adulthood before it even occurred to me, "hey, wait. This isn't right."

I think that having a certain belief of the world is similar. You get enough of a bad example, and not enough of a good example, it confirms your belief about that thing, and there may not be a reason to believe otherwise.

[(Anonymous)]

Uh sorry, what? "Don't actually believe in good mother&daughter relationships"? Don't you know anyone IRL who has a good relationship with their mother? Or do you think those people are all just pretending?

[(Anonymous)]

Nah, I get what dreemyweird means. With something as fundamental as your relationship with your family members, bad experiences can really skew your view. Like, logically you can see that these things exist, but you have absolutely no frame of reference for it, deep down.

[(Anonymous)]

ayrt


ooooohhhhh I get it. Like, you look at something and know that people genuinely feel that way, but you're like "okay, sorry, IDGI"? Yeah, that makes sense. I must have misinterpreted, sorry.

[dreemyweird]

Tbf, my wording was misleading! But yes, the previous anon got it right — I meant the lack of emotional understanding, not the lack of rational belief in the existence of good parents of whatever gender.

[(Anonymous)]

don't actually believe in good mother&daughter relationships? man you're fucked up and I pity you.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh go jump in a lake, anon.

[dreemyweird]

They were a bit rude, but this is really uncalled for.

I admit I'm baffled at this whole thread. Honestly, was I that unclear? And why are people being so hostile - is this really a controversial topic? I don't think anyone who is neither a troll nor deeply delusional can actually deny the existence of good mothers.

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

Sorry. It was intended as a joke (last night had a whole thread on the phrase go jump in a lake). Out of context, I can see how it would seem OTT as a reaction. Apologies.

[dancing_serpent]

Nope, you made perfect sense to me. And I kind of envy the commenters who react with so much disbelief. :(

da

[(Anonymous)]

I pity someone who responds with this instead of with empathy.

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

+1

[(Anonymous)]

I can totally see where you're coming from.

um wait

[dreemyweird]

sorry, I thought the "deep inside" part didn't leave any room for erroneous interpretations. Disclaimer: I am not, in fact, stating that good mother&daughter relationships don't exist. If anything, I'm quite convinced there are lots of them out there.

[arcadiaego]

I know this feeling. :/

[(Anonymous)]

This. Deep down it's like I can't imagine mothers not somehow being manipulative and toxic, because that's all I've seen from my mother and grandmothers. I try to go out of my way to find good mothers in my fandoms and even read some progressive mom blogs, because I want to be able to write good mothers and mother-child relationships.
...and maybe even convince myself that I can have a child some day without being a massive asshole.

[(Anonymous)]

I HAVE ONE XD!

It's not perfect, but my mum is like my best friend who lets me live in her house and does all my laundry for me, and in exchange I have to listen to her prattle on about beetles and sheep and plant sex. Also, although my relationship with my dad is not so great, pretty much everyone else I know has a great dad, so I don't have any issues watching either relationship in the media--good or bad.

Unless, of course, someone is portrayed as a bad mother because they're mentally ill. Even if they technically aren't doing a good job as a parent in the show i don't like seeing them demonised because of it, because we may have gone through a few rough spots due to my mum's severe depression, but she's still a good mum and I get overprotective. :)

[diet_poison]

is your mom a biologist?

[(Anonymous)]

Historian, mostly of 19th century evolutionary science.

[diet_poison]

That's very specific, and really cool!