Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2014-08-26 08:35 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2014-08-26 08:35 pm
[ SECRET POST #2793 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2793 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 036 secrets from Secret Submission Post #399.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: is this abuse?
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 01:24 am (UTC)(link)this friend of mine, he and i are very close - or we were, but things haven't been going so well lately. i often find myself feeling hurt or upset by something he does or says, and he gets upset in return when he finds out. i've done my best to accommodate him in that way, by keeping my feelings to myself until it's too hard. i do everything in my power to make sure he feels loved and cared for. i help him study, i make sure he's drinking enough water, i care for him when he's sick, i make sure he knows i and others in his life are proud of him, i tell him i love him every day, etc. and i dont do any of this with the expectation that he's going to match my affection, i just do it because i genuinely love him and want to make him happy.
but because he beats himself up sometimes when i'm feeling down, i was constantly worrying that maybe this could be considered me abusing him. and i fretted over the idea for awhile, but recently... the more things happen, the more i'm beginning to think it might be the other way around. that's a really bleak thought to have of somebody you love, but i think i was in denial about it for a long time, and now that there's more distance between the two of us, i'm starting to wonder if my feelings have been justified.
we've known each other about 5 years, but this past year we've been a lot closer. we used to spend lots of time together, like playing games and watching movies. it got sexual really fast, but we aren't dating or anything. he got kind of obsessive honestly, to the point where if i took longer than 2 minutes to reply to his messages he would get worked up and passive aggressive about me being "too busy" for him, despite the fact that he often went idle for like 30, 40 minutes at a time and i never kicked up a fuss.
he got really jealous and possessive of me, which at first i thought was kind of cute. i didnt realise or think it was unhealthy back then. one night he blurted out that he was scared he was going to fall in love with me, and another night he asked if i'd ever consider dating him. but i don't ever think he fell in love; a few weeks later, he reminded me he wasn't and there was some degree of disgust in his voice, so i left it at that.
i was talking to this other guy around this time, and my friend was especially jealous of him. he knew this other guy was sexually into me too and eventually guy #2 confessed to crushing on me. my friend demanded exclusivity from me (online, rather) so i stopped fooling around with this other guy, and other people in general that i knew online. eventually i stopped talking to guy #2 completely (neither of them liked each other bc they wanted my sole attention so i was forced to pick, i guess; it's more complicated than that but it doesn't matter here). basically i had to get rid of this second guy because my friend pressured me into it.
he also messed up my relationship with one of my closest online friends because he hogged all my attention and it drove a wedge between me and friend #3. he obsessed over me and who i spent time with until he was my sole focus.
but after awhile, he stopped doing stuff with me. first movies, then games, then sexual activities and now just talking in general has gotten scarce, and it seems so automated and fake from him. i feel like he used me until he got bored of me. for the record, he was always kind of embarrassed of me, he didn't want people to know how close we were for some reason. he made me feel very isolated.
and through all this, through doing all he asked of me and stepping up to make him as happy as possible - he said i treat him better than anybody else ever has - he stopped spending time with me, and it hurt. his behaviour (and then his neglect) would upset me, and i finally told him how i felt. but he would just gaslight me and make me feel like i was imagining things, he would shut me down and play mind games with me until they drove me literally crazy. he made me feel so confused and unsure of myself that it impacted my irl wellbeing.
lately hes been extra distant and i finally sat him down and tried to get a civil convo out of him as to why. he always says he doesn't know but this time he confessed that him constantly hurting my feelings has made him feel more distant. so now i feel like he's throwing me away because my reactions to his treatment of me are inconveniencing him.
he makes everything about him constantly and whenever i get hurt he invalidates that by drawing attention to himself because he knows it will shut me up, he knows how much it pains me to see him upset so i think he purposely uses that against me to shut me down.
he withholds affection from me as punishment whenever i dare to feel upset by the deteriorating state of our friendship (which only makes it worse, and he knows that) and even now ge still tries to put sole blame on me for that by saying that my feelings make him feel "distant" (maybe my emotions remind him that i'm not a fuckdoll? i genuinely don't know and it's sad)
he constantly demands and begs for nude pictures and i want to trust him but he has some lewd pics of another person and when their friendship fell apart (long story) he told me he wouldn't hesitate to post them, so i've been scared, but i haven't told him that's why he hasn't gotten any yet bc i know he'll get upset. but he knows his begging makes me uncomfortable and he always says he'll never do it again but then a few hours later he demands them again. i feel like he doesn't respect me and my wishes regarding this. it honestly seems like lately he's knowing hurting me and then acting like i'm to blame for his pushing away, as if he didn't essentially cause that mostly on his own.
oh right, i forgot: with guy #2, there was an incident in particular i remember where i begged my friend to watch my favourite movie with me for a week straight and he never "found" the time (he had the time he just didn't want to, and that's fine, i value honesty but either way i would never force him to do something he doesn't want to do; there's no point in doing something if he won't enjoy himself). so i asked guy #2 if he would watch it with me, and he agreed to it. my friend found out and FREAKED out. he got super angry and then degraded himself because he kept backing out of our movie plans, but he refused to watch that movie with me after the fact because he was bitter about the whole thing.
so he got jealous and wanted me all for himself but made it clear he didnt feel that way for my benefit. like he got upset when i did something as basic as watch a movie with my second friend, and idk does this seem controlling? he makes me feel crazy for thinking things like this so now i can't even tell anymore.
so now that things are falling apart completely with him, he's basically leaving me with nothing here now. he always said he'd make changes so our relationship could go back to how it was, back when i could feel his love, but he never follows through. he just does what he wants, and apparently being my friend isnt something he wants that bad anymore. he isolated me until he was essentially all i had, and now he's denying me, but he keeps telling me he doesn't want me to go anywhere. so it sounds like he wants me around just in case he changes his mind, or maybe idk, i really dont know at all, i dont know why i'm still here. he's completely destroyed my self esteem.
and lately it's been a waking nightmare, literally the closest thing to a bad dream, like you know those ones where no matter how hard you try nothing goes right? it's like that. i've tried very hard to please him but no matter what i did i can't catch his attention anymore (unless he thinks i'm screwing around with another guy, that is). i've begged and vegged and begged but i fully understand that it's hopeless, i can't ever see things getting better bc he's never made that effort.
and honestly... i love him, i love him so much, but i am starting to feel that die down, and at first i was really sad about it but now i think i should just accept it. i think maybe i'll be able to think clearer that way, and i already feel like i'm thinking straighter now, and making sense of things. and i really think that maybe he was abusive to me. but am i wrong? knowing the opinions of other people will help me decide if i should be happy or sad that things aren't working out. i need close, or solidarity, or something. i just need help in figuring out what's happened to me. i don't want to be ruined or messed up forever over this.
and honestly, i think i felt ok with all this in the beginning bc i could tell he loved me, but like i said, that's all gone now. and i'm a little angry. is that a good thing? i don't want to be the one abusing him. i don't want it to be that either of us has been abusing the other. but i'm angry, and i'm not exactly sure why, but i think the rational part of me is trying to get through. like i was smart enough to know deep down that i was being wronged, but still too stupid to get away before he had me leashed.
he knows how much i've been hurting and he knows how he could make it go away, he knows exactly how to help me, but he doesn't. so does he not care? friends are supposed to take care of each other. it feels like he's stopped taking care of me, so i have to take care of myself, i think. i don't want to hurt anymore. i just need a little help getting started, and making sure my feelings are valid. he's done a lot to tell me otherwise, so now i genuinely don't know, which is why i'm asking you guys.
Re: is this abuse?
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 01:38 am (UTC)(link)It's not. Abuse is something actively done to other people. If you choose to take offence at something, that doesn't mean that something is deliberately offending you, merely that you find it offensive.
Caveat: If you are DELIBERATELY saying you feel down in order to make him beat himself up, then that is abusive. However if you feel down due to other factors and he then gets all angsty, it's not.
>he withholds affection from me as punishment whenever i dare to feel upset by the deteriorating state of our friendship (which only makes it worse, and he knows that) and even now ge still tries to put sole blame on me for that by saying that my feelings make him feel "distant" (maybe my emotions remind him that i'm not a fuckdoll? i genuinely don't know and it's sad)
This is the difference between what you were worrying about and what he's doing. You don't ACT SAD to make him feel bad, while HE is withholding affection and withdrawing from you DELIBERATELY to upset you. Not the same thing at all.
>but he knows his begging makes me uncomfortable and he always says he'll never do it again but then a few hours later he demands them again.
Not respecting boundaries.
>and honestly... i love him, i love him so much
You can love someone without being compatible with them. Love doesn't fix assholes. It's ok to love people, but whether you're in a relationship with them shouldn't be based on how much you love them alone, but also on whether they love and care for you BACK.
>i don't want to be the one abusing him
You aren't.
>friends are supposed to take care of each other.
He's not your friend.
...Anyway the TL;DR takeaway from all this is, regardless of abuse, this is an unhealthy relationship. Get the fuck out.
What you want to do first is look for a support system. Family? Other friends? Shelters is another option. You will need to make sure you have all your own papers and documents in order, and that you don't share anything with this guy (bank accounts, money, housing, etc.). Work on finding alternate arrangements if you do.
Let people around you who know you and who actually do care about you know about things. Ask them for help if need be. You'll also want to try to look for things to do and places to be - keep yourself busy. The loss of a relationship - even a bad one - opens up a gap that can really get you down.
Lawyering up shouldn't be necessary at this stage, but keep that in mind as an option.
Re: is this abuse?
Run. Run fast. Run far. Don't look back.
I know that's easier said than done. You care about this guy. You feel loyal to him, to the extent that you're afraid of abusing him by daring to have feelings. You've invested a lot into this relationship emotionally, so cutting your ties now would mean a great deal of sunk cost. But he's hurting you, and doesn't appear to care -- and in fact, mentioning that he's hurting you makes him hurt you more. He has destroyed your self-esteem. The only way you're going to rebuild it is to remove him from the equation. Reach out to some of the old friends that this guy isolated you from, or make some new ones. Hang out with people who treat you well and care about your feelings. You deserve that.
Re: is this abuse?
Yes, this guy is abusive.
He holds you to a higher standard than he holds himself; he's possessive; he tries to isolate you from your friends and from other potential lovers (and he refuses to make things official, allowing him to do whatever he wants with others while keeping you in the lurch); gaslights you (you even know that he's doing it!); blames you for the consequences of him treating you poorly; withholds affection when he doesn't get his way; considers his feelings and comfort to be above your own...
This guy does not give two shits about you. You seem to be pouring everything that you have into him, and it's not enough. It will never be enough. He is a bottomless pit, and he will suck you down into the depths. Cut him out. Hard as it is, cut him out.
Re: is this abuse?
Yes, it's abuse. He's abusing you. The other folks are saying it better than me, so please listen to them.
Re: is this abuse?
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 01:51 am (UTC)(link)Re: is this abuse?
Oh - yes, that's what I meant! Thank you!
Re: is this abuse?
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 02:53 am (UTC)(link)Re: is this abuse?
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 03:18 am (UTC)(link)Someone who loves you will not try to control you and cut you off from your friends. Someone who loves you will not monopolize your time (because that's not love, that's possessiveness and they are two very different things) and get angry with you when that doesn't happen. Someone who loves you will not punish you by being emotionally distant. Someone who loves you will not force you to beg for time, attention and kindness.
I think it was Maya Angelou who said: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This guy has shown you who he is. All the awful things he's said and done... do you want more? If the answer is no, then cut him loose. Don't wait or hope for him to change, because chances are he won't. But you will, and not for the better, because you'll have to keep sacrificing your needs for his and here's the kicker-- it will never, ever be enough. You'll give up everything, and he'll still be angry and hateful and manipulative, because that's how emotionally abusive people are.
Do not wait for this guy to wake up and make you happy. Make yourself happy. Nuke him from your life and find someone who cares enough to be a good friend.
Re: is this abuse?
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 03:23 am (UTC)(link)no subject
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 04:35 am (UTC)(link)You need to walk away. Shut the metaphorical door, lock it, and do not open it for anything. Block him on IM, don't talk to him in person or on the phone. If you feel the need to tell him you're cutting him off and why, write it down, send it to him, and block his address. You don't need to know what he says in response. Once he realizes you're really cutting him off, he'll probably try to get you back, and he'll probably make it sound good, so don't give him the chance. It's bullshit. He might be on his best behavior for a while, but he will drag you back into the same poisonous routine in short order, and it is infinitely harder to get out once you've gone back.
It will hurt, a lot, because he's savaged your self esteem and self image and made your life entirely about him, but you will feel better when he's out of your system, and you will find friends and lovers who are actually worth your time and who will reciprocate your love and attention.
Re: is this abuse?
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 06:47 am (UTC)(link)Here's a link you might find interesting (and also triggering, so read with care. http://issendai.livejournal.com/572510.html You can see that a whole lot of people have been through much the same thing.
Also there's this website http://www.verbalabuse.com/ - this author's books helped me work out what had been done to my head over a period of a couple of decades. Although she does occasionally talk about emotionally abusive men changing, she makes it clear that this very rarely happens... I should get shares in these books, I rec them so often. Again, read carefully: they still bring back bad memories for me.
You have one huge advantage in that you've still got an idea of what's being done to you. Hold on to that knowledge. Hold on to your self. And good luck, anon. Please let us know how it goes for you.
OP
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 01:11 pm (UTC)(link)i'm gonna need some time to do what i know i have to do, but i'll leave. i've tried that before but came back both times. this time i won't.
Re: OP
(Anonymous) 2014-08-27 01:32 pm (UTC)(link)