[ SECRET POST #2862 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2862 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 042 secrets from Secret Submission Post #409.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - random textless image ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Being asexual just means you don't experience sexual attraction.

It has not a damn thing to do with having sex, not having sex, wanting/not wanting sex.

That always seemed like such a weird distinction to me. Sexual attraction and the desire to have sex are basically the same thing to me (or at least so closely linked that they can't be separated) so this just seems like such a weird concept. Are they really that separate for most people?

[tabaqui]

I have to agree. If i wasn't sexually attracted to someone, then I wouldn't have sex with them. And having sex just so that *they* were happy would quickly become toxic, so.... Yeah, i don't get it either.

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's the difference between wanting to have sex with a person, based on that person, and wanting to have sex for the feeling. Plenty of non-ace people have sex with partners they're not attracted to just because they like sex, but when an asexual person does it they come under scrutiny from both sides.

[tabaqui]

Maybe? But i wouldn't have sex with someone i wasn't attracted to in some sense, because the attraction has to be there for me to actually *enjoy* the sex. If i just wanted to get off, i'd do it myself - no muss, no fuss.

[othellia]

Pretty much this.

[(Anonymous)]

Everyone's different. I'm not ace, and I'm fine having sex with people I'm not attracted to if I feel like having sex with someone else. Sex is more physical than most people are willing to admit.

The example here though, is someone who is romantically attracted to and involved with their partner doing something that they'll both enjoy.

[(Anonymous)]

Sex is more physical than most people are willing to admit.

I'm not totally sure what you mean by this. That it's just a physical thing and so it doesn't matter if you're attracted to the person? Or something else?

something that they'll both enjoy

The asexual person won't necessarily enjoy it, though.

[(Anonymous)]

DA
It's not so much that it doesn't matter, I think? Still, someone else touching you feels way different to touching yourself - regardless of attraction. So sometimes, you might want that feeling, and attraction to the partner becomes secondary.

To me it's the other way around - attraction or not, the physicality often doesn't work out for me, so I think I kinda get it.

[(Anonymous)]

How common is that really, though, to have sex with someone you're not attracted to just because you like sex? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think most people need to be at least somewhat attracted to someone to have sex with them.

[(Anonymous)]

I mean I've done it and I'm not ace. I know a few other people who have. As long as the person has decent hygiene and isn't terrible in some way.

[(Anonymous)]

ayrt

Yeah. Having sex with someone when you don't want to just to make THEM happy seems really unhealthy to me and I'd think eventually it would lead to resentment. I guess some other people disagree, given the other replies in this thread, but it doesn't make sense to me personally.

[tabaqui]

Exactly. To each their own, but i can't see it ever leading to anything good.

[(Anonymous)]

I think the issue is that you're putting a lot of value in sex, and assuming that everyone thinks the same way you do. You're also assuming that ace=unable to enjoy sex, which isn't true. You're doing something to make your partner happy, but you're not sacrificing anything. It's consensual and satisfying for everyone.

[(Anonymous)]

assuming that everyone thinks the same way you do

I did think that the way I think was probably the most common, but as I'm seeing from this thread, there are plenty of people that see it different.

You're also assuming that ace=unable to enjoy sex, which isn't true.

For me, I'm not able to enjoy sex if I'm not sexually attracted to the person, and I figured that would be especially true for an asexual person who wasn't attracted to anyone but apparently that's not always the case. I imagine if I were in that situation I wouldn't be able to do it, but if it works for them, that's great.

[(Anonymous)]

Some people are wired to find intense pleasure from pleasing the object of their desire/affection/whatever. And I'm not just talking sexual. There are people who prefer to serve others, rather than be served. I will state full-out that I am as far from asexual as you can get, but when I'm not in the mood, the thought of how happy having sex will make my partner, that makes me happy, too.

I am not a doormat. I am not spineless. I have my own thoughts, opinions, and emotions. There is a difference between codependency, and having similar (or complimentary) needs and wants to your partner. I love to please people. That's just the way I'm wired.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm asexual, married, and have sex with my husband. I don't do it just to make him happy. I have no particular interest in sex and could be quite happy without it for the rest of my life, but at the same time, while I'm not overtly concerned with the pleasure/stimulation of it, I enjoy the sensation of closeness and intimacy. The fact that I am not interested in sex doesn't make it awful to me. And tbh? I'd probably still have sex with him even it it *was* just to make him happy, because making him happy makes me happy.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know about "most", but they're separate for some people. I'm not asexual, but for me, arousal can definitely be distinct from the feeling of "damn, I'd hit that". It isn't always, but the physical state of arousal isn't inherently coupled to the experience of attraction.

[(Anonymous)]

Do you masturbate because you're attracted to yourself? Do you always have to think of someone to masturbate?

[(Anonymous)]

This!

I think you summed up what I was trying to think of to say in a very clever way. Kudos! :)

[(Anonymous)]

Masturbation is a totally different thing to me, but I get your point. I guess if an orgasm is the only objective then it doesn't necessarily matter whether you find the person attractive or not.

most ppl - not, asexuals - yes.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm asexual & when I was younger I do remember wanting to have sex hoping to start enjoying it in the process. I was hoping for "fake it 'till you make it"...
I also wanted to do it for the sake of my partner.
It didn't have anything to do with sexual attraction.