fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2944 ]

[ SECRET POST #2944 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2944 ⌋

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I don't know how to help with my roommate.

My roommate is the type of person who curls up on the floor sobbing because she got one question wrong on a (re-takable) quiz. She's constantly down on herself, comparing herself to everyone else in her major in a negatively light. When it comes to stress, she's so stressed out that it's sometime's painful to watch, and the anger borne of it (while rare) isn't fun to live with.

I've been trying to help her as much as I can, compliments on her stuff, offers of help, trying to get her out of the house on days when we've been inside for the whole day, staring at computer screens/textbooks/whatever, but I don't know what to do anymore; her stress is starting to stress me out, and while I love her, I don't know how to deal with it myself.

I've tried to get her to go to the school stress center, but she keeps making excuses as for why she can't. (She has too much school, even though she doesn't have classes on Fridays, she doesn't actually think it will help, even though she's never been, etc.) and I don't want to push, but I don't think I can be the person she talks to anymore. I don't know if I can be the one that tries to play psychiatrist/psychologist when I have school to, and I just, I don't know how to handle it.

I'm tempted to go to the school center myself, whether or not she goes, but on a level of 1-10, how dumb of an idea is it to go to a psych doctor (honestly can't remember which kind I can go to at the school) to talk about how stressed out I'm getting from her stress?

I just feel like a horrible person on top of that; it's not even my issues that I need to work on, but I don't know what to do. I want to help her, but I don't know how, and nothing I've tried actually works.

tl;dr I think I need to talk to a psychiatrist about how my roommate needs to go to one, because I am not actually a psychiatrist, and I don't know how to help he, or deal with her when I can't help.

I think going to a psych of some kind yourself would be a good step at this point. It sounds like your roommate is really draining you, and that's no good. Some outside help seems to be in order.

You're not a bad person at all. It takes a lot of energy to be that kind of support and you can't go on forever without some kind of support yourself.

I wish I had some advice to offer but I'm in a similar position myself, with a friend who shuts down any suggestion I make about how to help their problems and worrying about how I don't know what I'm doing anyway. All I have is sympathy. Hang in there. <3

Ugh, that's awful.

I think the first thing you need to realize is that there may be nothing you can do.

Repeat after me: You. Are not. Her therapist.

And if she won't go see one, then I think you're right. You should go, just for your own mental health. Because it's not good for you for her stress to be stressing you out. I think it's a excellent idea for you to go yourself.

And, maybe, if she sees you go, it will prod her into going. At the very least, you will get coping mechanisms for yourself. I don't see a bad there.

This is excellent, compassionate advice.

Very good advice. And OP, to add on to the anon above me, going to a shrink can help you set up better boundaries so these sort of situations drain you LESS. It's not just about your roomie, it's about YOU!

You can't allow her stress to overwhelm you, so yes, definitely going to see a school counsellor is a step in the right direction. It's possible you need to be moved out of the same room with your roommate, seriously, because her affect on you isn't good, and you deserve to get as much out of school as you can without being dragged down by someone else's stress.

Take some distance, for starters. You are not her therapist and you don't have to be. You can suggest things that she could do, but you are not responsible for her happiness or actions.

Do you have a dorm supervisor/student health group (I'm assuming that you are in the Uni) that could be in contact with her?

If you think talking to someone about this would reduce your stress levels, then definitely do so.

Don't, however, fall into the trap where you end up as some middleman between your friend and the therapist. You're not going to talk to them just for them to give you advice about her. That can only happen if she goes herself, which she clearly has no interest in doing -- possibly because right now her behavior is getting the pay-off she wants, be it in attention, avoiding responsibility, whatever it may be.

If you talk to someone, then let it be about how you cope and create space for yourself, don't make it about her problems that she refuses to deal with.

From what you say, it does seem like she has some sort of issue that is beyond the scope of normal.

That being said, looking back on how I was, I'd be incredibly pissed off if someone went to tlk to a shrink about me behind my back.

Would she be willing to talk to someone else who is not a shrink? Maybe that's less daunting?

Your roommate sounds very draining. I'm guessing she's suffering from depression and avoiding treatment is part of that. Whatever she does, you can't be her sole emotional resource anymore, so please don't feel bad about not spending all your time propping her up. Because that will not work. No one person can fix another person's depression, because depression doesn't work like that.

If I were you, I'd keep your sympathy short and sweet: "I'm sorry, that sucks." or "You're a lot harder on yourself than you need to be." Do NOT get dragged into long crying sessions where you're coaxing her to stop feeling bad, because again, that won't work. Encourage her to seek help after each episode. Offer to go with her if you feel up to that. If she's a minor or dependent on her parents, you may have to contact them. This sucks, I know. But unless they're absolutely bastards or the root of your roommate's problem, they're going to be in a better position to get her help.

If you think you'd benefit from talking to someone, do it. Don't worry about whether or not your problem is serious enough. Your tuition money's paying for that school stress center, it's yours to use as you see fit.

This is gonna be a tl;dr because boy howdy can I relate.

I have a friend who is straight up a 24/7 basketcase. Up until about 2 and a half years ago it was manageable, but sometime around August 2012 it just BLEW THE FUCK UP. Pretty soon she was pestering me CONSTANTLY on an hourly basis with her stupid indie comics sex life drama, and it was always the same fucking drama. The names might change but the story was always the fucking same. She would message me at the worst possible times, keeping me up well past 8am because if I said "I have to go to bed" she'd get all passive aggressive. At one point I finally said "oh my god you have gone on and on and on almost nonstop and I'm done, please deal with your problems already and stop ignoring me when I give you advice" and she got REALLY angry with me and started to threaten suicide and was telling me YOU'RE JUST ABANDONING ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE TO BE THERE FOR ME YOU NEVER LOVED ME BAWWWW and I'm thinking, I put up with your crap for 9 months, nobody else would do that. Best part is? Nothing changed. Here we are, 2 and a half years later, and she's still going.

I've stuck with it, but it got to the point where I dreaded playing games because she might IM me on Steam DEMANDING my attention and if she saw I was in-game I wouldn't be able to pretend I wasn't there. I spent a long time just putting up with it and feeling like a bad friend because I just wanted her to shut the fuck up and deal with her shit like an adult like everyone else instead of spinning her tires endlessly for 30 months and constantly demanding my attention because I was the only one who'd give it. She'll do it to anyone who gives her an inch. I've never seen someone so thoroughly self-absorbed; we have no mutual interests any more because her only interest anymore is herself. She doesn't listen to music, play video games, read, watch movies, any of that shit anymore. Her only hobby is sitting there in the dark overthinking the tiniest little details in her stupid goddamn sex life I'm tired of hearing about. And she does NOT give a fuck about you, or me, or anyone else, and she has even said as much, that she "doesn't have room in her brain for other peoples' problems." If you try to tell her about something bad in your life, she does NOT fucking care, and she WILL change the subject back to her. "Oh, you were in a car accident/you have cancer/your girlfriend massively fucked you over and now you're gonna be homeless? I don't give a fuck! That sucks tho! Anyway, so I was bouncing on this old guy's balls, and I had a transcendental moment..." But I've finally hit my limit. When she was whining about how put-upon she felt because people were telling her 'at least you HAVE a job' when she complained about trying to find a second job to perpetually unemployed people I told her I didn't want to talk about this because I've been looking for work for 3 years and the conversation was upsetting me. Her response was "we're not talking about you tho." I blew up. That was it. I was officially fucking done with her shit and I told her so. And she still hasn't learned a goddamn thing. At least I don't have to listen to her judge me for not liking the classical music she no longer listens to anymore.

I tell you all this partly because after 2 and a half years of being her captive audience I'm angry and I'm tired, and partly to illustrate that at some point you have to say "no, I'm not going to be your unpaid shrink anymore." At some point you have to decide what's more important: your mental health, or being a good friend, and honestly, your mental health is more important. She's not entitled to your time, and if she won't seek help you're not obligated to do anything for her when she's already placed this much stress on you.

that is... truly insane. god damn. i'm sorry you had to go through that, dethtoll.

OP's friend doesn't sound quite that bad from what they've described - more passive and stuck in a rut rather than a human black hole like your ex-friend.

but it's a good lesson to have limits with how much of other people's shit you're willing to put up with.

I dated someone long distance like this, god.

That's horrifying.

Oh my godddddd I sympathise with you so much. I know someone who is going this way, and the self-absorption is absolutely infuriating. Really sorry you went through that dethtoll; good to hear you're out of it. <3

Unfortunately I'm not completely out of it. Due to circumstances (we have a bunch of mutual friends) I can't completely escape her, but I do shut her down hard when she starts in on me. I give zero fucks if she gets upset, because she's used up all my fucks.

Keep safe dude!

Jesus christ damn. because wow #1 sucky scenario right there and #2 do we share a friend because so much of that is dead on for a friend like mine right now @_@

But your final paragraph is dead on correct - people are not entitled to your time and health, especially if it's harming you (even emotionally like stress)

Absolutely go see someone about your own stress. Taking care of yourself is important! And I second the anon who said that maybe seeing you go will energize her and/or reduce whatever stigma she may feel about it, so you might actually be helping both of you. But please, take care of you!

Also, probably repeating what others have said, but you are not 100% responsible for her well-being. It's hard to watch someone self-destruct and do nothing, but it is not your fault if she's having trouble. You are allowed to put some distance between yourself and her problems, and honestly, even if you can't shake that sense of responsibility for her, you will not do HER any good by being a strung-out mess, yourself. Get out of the house without her, wear your headphones, whatever you need to do to get some healthy time to yourself, too.

If she seems like the type to be receptive, try talking to her about how her stress is affecting you, too. You can let her know it comes from a place of love and worry, but that you think it's damaging both of you and that you want both of you to be happier. You might also try setting some boundaries with her about when or to what extent you are willing to deal with her stress; depending on your roomie and your relationship, it can be anything from "Tuesday night is wine and whine night! No whining otherwise!" (my former roomie and I did this and it was wonderful for us) to "I'm going to set a timer, you've got five minutes to vent then you have to stop" to more vague but immediate things like, "Not right now" or "I'm sorry to hear that, but I have my own work to do" or even "I will hear you out if this is an emergency, but I will not listen to every minute detail about your classmates or single quiz grades." Setting boundaries is NOT cruelty; it's being humane to yourself.

1) You shouldn't be the one to play psychiatrist/psychologist, because you aren't one. That's not your job. Her life and her wellbeing is ultimately her responsibility, just as your life and your wellbeing is yours.

2) You cannot make her change. Not even a therapist can make anyone change, it's up to the indivdiual. The most you can do is try to help and be supporting. And you've done that.

3) It's starting to impact negatively on your health now. You've said yourself that you've noticed it. And you've already provided the suggestion on what to do! It's not dumb at all to go to the help centre yourself. Maybe they can even get a counsellor to come to her if she won't do it herself.

4) Your roommate absolutely has a problem. I don't know what that problem is, because I'm not a therapist. It could be depression, that's likely, it could be anxiety or any number of things. The best thing you can do for her right now, is to help yourself and manage your stress, because if you're in the same place she is, you won't be any help to anyone.

'Cause it's really smart. It sounds like you're already considering going to center yourself, and it sounds like a great idea. If nothing else but to get a feel for what kind of help they can give you.

I know kallanda_lee expressed displeasure at having someone talk about her to a psychologist, but I think that's going to happen, regardless - most of our troubles will stem from interactions with people, and so that kind of discussion is bound to happen. You're not experiencing increasing stress in a vacuum. A huge part of your stress stems from your roommate's street. If you feel like you'd be talking to a shrink about her behind her back, I recommend trying to think of it more as you're trying to resolve your own issues, and because part of those issues involve your roommate you're trying to figure out how to manage them for yourself with regards to your interactions with her. ...Does that make sense, or did it just get really twisty? Lemm see if I can redo (just in case):
-big part of stress stems from roommate issues
-that roommate's stress is what's causing your stress is less the point, just that there is tension
-talk to psychologist about how to manage your own responses
-not how to help your roommate better
-because you're not a shirnk, and you can't
-you're talking about your roommate *because* you're trying to figure your own shit out so you don't lose your shit at her, or anyone else (including self)

It sounds cold-hearted, but stop trying to help your roommate. It's causing you trouble, and it's not helping anyway. She'll be neurotic about her test scores whether or not you respond, and she may be looking for attention and fishing for those compliments (without necessarily being aware, let alone malicious about it), so the more you try to make her feel better the further and faster she spirals.

That's not to say ignore her and her distress, but give her one line of a boost and go back to your own paper.

You really do sound like a compassionate person, but we have to take care of ourselves before we can take of anyone else. Don't forget that.

You should definitely consider going to the stress center. They can help you manage your own stress with regard to this person. Having someone to talk to is good, and they might be able to help you with things life figuring out what to say when your roommate is stressing at you so that you can maintain your own boundaries. They could do things like roleplay the situation, so you can rehearse what you want to tell her.

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[ SECRET POST #2944 ]

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