[ SECRET POST #3032 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3032 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


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02.
[Ioan Gruffudd/Horatio Hornblower]


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03.
[ebooks tree]


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04.
[Horrible Histories]


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05.
[Burn Notice]


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06.
[Bradley Cooper]


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07.


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08.
[Grimm]


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09.
[Assassin's Creed: UNITY]


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10. [POSSIBLE WARNING for suicide]


[David Walliams]


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11.
[Game of Thrones]


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12.
[Nina Dobrev]


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13.
[The Avengers]


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14.


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15.
[Fire Emblem: Awakening]


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16.












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 019 secrets from Secret Submission Post #433.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

How do you deal with people asking you very personal questions you don't want to answer?
I mean the people you can't tell to fuck off for whatever reason.

Re: Advice Column

[(Anonymous)]

either lie or just say something like "I'd rather not say." if they press you anyway, then they're an asshole and if they let it go then they're probably a decent person who realizes that most people have certain boundaries and they'll probably be kind of embarrassed that they tried to get you to talk about a sore topic.

Re: Advice Column

[belladonna_took]

Thanks.
Boundaries! What are those?

Idk. I get that people are curious, but they don't seem to understand that I don't have to satisfy their curiosity.

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

What the person above said, though I usually say "I'm not comfortable discussing it" since it makes it a little more clear that you're not just being coy [where I'm from "I'd rather not say" can be used as "I shouldn't but...If you ask I might tell you"].

If they keep pushing I try to change the topic to something about them ["How's the family/your project go/etc?"] or, if possible, say "Sorry, I just realized the time and I really need to be going" and leave.

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

SA

Oh! This is one I've never used but I've heard friends use: "I'd love to hear about, but we've been talking so long that we should probably go mingle for a while."

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

Haha. "Don't let me keep you all to myself. I'm sure there are many other people for you to interrogate and offend!"

Yeah. I keep hearing "you can talk to me" but it's not in a nice way? It's more "either you talk or I keep asking until you talk".

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

Pretty much! But the people on the receiving end usually don't pick up on that, or they're polite enough not to mention it.

Oooh, god. I hate those people. I usually just get straight to the point...but I'm rude. XD;; Honestly, it sounds less about what your saying, than it does about their refusal to respect someone else's boundaries. I mean, maybe I'm wrong. That's just how it's sounding to me.

On the off chance that it is a boundaries thing - the only thing I've ever really seen work is to keep enforcing the boundary until they get it. So something like "I really appreciate the offer and I'll keep it in mind, but I'm not up for talking about it right now." If they keep pressing: "I appreciate the concern, however - as I've already said - I'm not up for discussing that at the moment." If it's possible, throw in "You keep pressing me to talk about something I've stated I'm not comfortable talking about right now, and I really need you to stop. Otherwise I'm going to need to leave" - and follow through.

[The last one only really works for family/friends, but idk whose doing it so...hope that helps?]

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

I want to be rude and sarcastic every time someone crosses a boundary, but I can't.

Yeah, it's their problem I guess. I was hoping for a magic solution, like an escape jet pack.



In reality I can't make people feel shame if it's not in their nature.
I have been trying to avoid the conversation, but they've recruited other people to ask for them and report back. I can't actually avoid having the conversation at some point even if it's just to tell them that I will not now or ever be having the conversation.

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

Re: "you can talk to me"

Ugh, those people are just trying to wheedle something out of you that they already know you're reluctant to give. I'd just shrug and say, "Okay, thanks" or "If I feel like discussing it, I'll let you know" and then change the subject or walk away.

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

"Why do you ask?"

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

Ooh. I like it.

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, it kind of puts them on the spot when the true answer is "Because I'm a nosy boundary-stomping pest and totally think your very personal matters are my business!"

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

"Wow, that's kind of personal."

*puzzled expression* "Why do you ask?"

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

I am excellent at playing dumb. I have retail experience. It's necessary to survive till shifts.

Re: Social etiquette

[were_lemur]

I'm a fan of the Really Obvious Subject Change. Something like "So, how about them [SPORTS TEAM]." or "Wow, the weather sure has been [WEATHER]-y lately."

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

I don't think anybody would believe that I wanted to talk football, but I can do weather!

Re: Social etiquette

[lb_lee]

I give them an impressively bullshit answer, and keep elaborating on it until they get the point or give up. It's how I deal with people asking how I have sex.

"It involves handcuffs, an Angora rabbit, and a gallon of melted goat cheese with battery acid."

--Rogan

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

People ask you how you have sex!? D:

That's rude and awkward. Why do people want things to be that awkward?

Lol. That's a great tactic for dealing with it.
Next time someone asks me questions about medical stuff I don't want to share, I'm going to tell them about something gross and nasty.

Re: Social etiquette

[(Anonymous)]

So pus, parasites, and putrification galore? Make sure to give them gory details either right before lunch or right after. Then, since they're so fond of intrusive medical questions, ask them why they look sick, and suggest several improbable but horrifying reasons they might be.

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

Haha. Yes!

Re: Social etiquette

[lb_lee]

I like the way you think, anon. GUINEA WORMS!

--Rogan

Re: Social etiquette

[lb_lee]

I can only imagine their sex lives are lacking, since they're so fixated on mine. As it is, I suspect they think that since I do education work on multi, they assume they can ask me about absolutely anything and it's kosher, which is why whenever I do a 101, I flat-out say, "I will not answer questions about my sex life." Just because someone ASKS me something doesn't mean I have to ANSWER.

--Rogan

Re: Social etiquette

[diet_poison]

lol my first advice was going to be "don't answer, and tell them to buzz off if they persist" but obviously like you said that doesn't always work.

I think a polite but firm "I'm not comfortable discussing that" is a good way to go in many situations, especially professional ones. If people are asking you questions they should not be, document them (quietly), and if they cause trouble for you you can say "hey, I'm not obligated to talk about personal stuff at work, and I should not be penalized for choosing not to" to whatever relevant higher-ups/HR people there are. (You don't necessarily have to use your documentations, but I find it's useful to have that stuff just for the hell of it. It can make you feel better if nothing else.)

Also, if you don't feel confident, fake it. People will be more inclined to respect your boundaries and respect you and not resent you for setting those boundaries if you're firm and don't give any outward indication that you don't think what you're doing (setting reasonable boundaries) is okay. People put a lot of stock into what they think we think about what we're doing, if that makes sense - they may not even realize it, but if you seem 100% sure you're not doing anything wrong, I think they're less likely to vilify you.

Re: Social etiquette

[belladonna_took]

I feel like I'm handling random strangers being nosy better because I can fake being confident with them, but people who know me are more aware of the fact that I smile when I'm very uncomfortable or angry.



I THINK THEY'RE ON TO ME. OH GOD. OH GOD.

Re: Social etiquette

[diet_poison]

If those people know that about you and continue to push you when you are clearly uncomfortable and/or angry I...well...I really hope all the people you know aren't like that. That behavior sounds like it could be really toxic if it persists and I hope you are able to distance yourself from it if so.