[ SECRET POST #3056 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3056 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #437.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

NAYRT, obviously

I don't think there's anything out of line about expecting to have sex with the person you're married to. If someone has no sex drive or doesn't experience sexual attraction, but still wants to be married, it's on them to express in advance that they want a sexless marriage, not for the partner whose expectations are normal.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

This. The vast majority of people are going to want and expect sex in a marriage because the vast majority of people are sexual beings. If you're the exception to the rule, you need to make that very clear so that the other person knows what they're getting into.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

And this woman clearly creates the kind of atmosphere where someone would be comfortable discussing this with her, right?

It's not as though she's alienating her own child and making them feel uncomfortable in their own skin, and like they couldn't discuss who they are on a basic level with her without feeling attacked and judged, right?

It's not as though her attitudes don't lend themselves to reasonable, enlightened discussion of these things, right?

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

And of course, since she's this way after a couple of decades of sexless marriage, in which her husband is happy but she's clearly not, it's obvious that she's always been this way, amirite?

It's not like her husband's attitude leaves her feeling less worthy and valued on a basic level--of course not.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Where does OP ever say the husband's happy? How do you know he's happy?

If he is an asexual - or even someone with a very low sex drive - in a relationship with someone who thinks that's "sick and fucked up", would you be especially happy? Would you be feelin' the openness to sit down and talk things through?

If she's valuing her worth solely on whether or not she's getting sex, then the problem still lies with her. That's a deeper self-worth issue than whether or not she's getting laid regularly.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Happy in the sense that his sexual needs are satisfied (or the absence of them, anyway), and he evidently feels that his wife just needs to live with that.

And only the people agreeing with the OP said she's valuing herself solely on whether or not she's getting sex. But if sex is important to you, and the person you (probably) agreed to be sexually faithful to withholds it, then astonishingly, you might feel devalued. Certainly you couldn't be blamed for feeling that your considers your needs unimportant.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

should read "you couldn't be blamed for feeling that your partner considers your needs unimportant."

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Wow. When I read this comment I thought "Damn, it's like they know her!"

She's the type of person who is always the victim and has the most awful life in the world, no one else has it as hard as her. She attacks people for disagreeing with her and then spins it as if SHE'S the wronged party. Her attitude absolutely does not create the kind of atmosphere where you can discuss things with her because she'll flip out the second you say something she doesn't agree with.

Every time she starts her "there's something wrong with someone who doesn't want sex, they have no business being in a relationship, how can they expect someone to love them if they won't have sex?" stuff, even though it's not directed at me, it does make me feel attacked and judged. And it's not like telling her would do any good because then she could just make it even more personal and hurt even more. When you do something that pisses her off, she lashes out in the exact way she knows will hurt you most, so there's no way I can say anything.

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

Sadly, you've also just described my father there with pretty unnerving accuracy, so while I don't 'know' your mother I most certainly know the behaviors you described here and in your original post.

All I can tell you is to keep reminding yourself that all her lashing out, all her victimization and judgment is not a reflection on you. It's coming from a deep insecurity and emotional immaturity within her. It all speaks of issues she refuses to acknowledge and accept (because people with an ingrained victim complex refuse to take personal responsibility for anything; to do so means they can no longer occupy the passive "but everyone's always awful to innocent, hard-done-by me!" role). Those are the things she's really attacking, she just doesn't have the emotional maturity to do it the right way so you and your feelings are getting caught in the crossfire.

I know it's impossible to be totally unaffected by the hurtful things she says and the upsetting views she holds, but even if it's just sometimes, it'll help you massively if you can put some emotional distance between her actions and you and remind yourself that, despite how it sounds, she's really not talking about you (or your father, for that matter) at all. Whether she ever addresses what she's really frightened of, that depends on her. But in the meantime, don't ever feel bad about doing whatever you need to to protect your own emotional wellbeing.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Like I said in the other comment, she knew when they first started dating and thought he would change but he didn't.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[diet_poison]

...from OP's comments here I DEFINITELY think their mom was aware of their dad's low sex drive going in.

And, uh, actually, everyone needs to express their expectations and desires before marriage, not just those you deem to be "normal". And yes it's statistically normal to want sex in a marriage but even within that? there's a looooot of room for difference. How much sex? How often? How vanilla or kinky? Who initates/leads/dominates? etc. etc. etc. Those can all be dealbreakers even for two people who are sexual.