fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3056 ]

[ SECRET POST #3056 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3056 ⌋

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #437.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
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She's probably projecting.

She feels unattractive and unloved because she's not getting the sex she wants from the man she wants it from, so she's lashing out. Everyone else must have the problem, not her.

She could do the mature thing and talk to your father about it, or realise it's partially her fault for not talking about it prior to marriage and children, but that would be to put blame or responsibility on herself.

Came here to say pretty much this.

OP, you're taking her comments as a blanket judgement about asexuality when in reality her complaints are deeply, deeply personal in relation to how insecure she feels. Despite how it sounds, she's lashing out at what she feels she isn't getting from your father, not at asexuality, and not at you. I know how hard it is to not take the things she says personally, but she's projecting so hard right now that it really, truly isn't about you and your feelings. She's too wrapped up in her own on this subject to even notice yours.

NAYRT, obviously

I don't think there's anything out of line about expecting to have sex with the person you're married to. If someone has no sex drive or doesn't experience sexual attraction, but still wants to be married, it's on them to express in advance that they want a sexless marriage, not for the partner whose expectations are normal.

This. The vast majority of people are going to want and expect sex in a marriage because the vast majority of people are sexual beings. If you're the exception to the rule, you need to make that very clear so that the other person knows what they're getting into.

And this woman clearly creates the kind of atmosphere where someone would be comfortable discussing this with her, right?

It's not as though she's alienating her own child and making them feel uncomfortable in their own skin, and like they couldn't discuss who they are on a basic level with her without feeling attacked and judged, right?

It's not as though her attitudes don't lend themselves to reasonable, enlightened discussion of these things, right?

And of course, since she's this way after a couple of decades of sexless marriage, in which her husband is happy but she's clearly not, it's obvious that she's always been this way, amirite?

It's not like her husband's attitude leaves her feeling less worthy and valued on a basic level--of course not.

Where does OP ever say the husband's happy? How do you know he's happy?

If he is an asexual - or even someone with a very low sex drive - in a relationship with someone who thinks that's "sick and fucked up", would you be especially happy? Would you be feelin' the openness to sit down and talk things through?

If she's valuing her worth solely on whether or not she's getting sex, then the problem still lies with her. That's a deeper self-worth issue than whether or not she's getting laid regularly.

Happy in the sense that his sexual needs are satisfied (or the absence of them, anyway), and he evidently feels that his wife just needs to live with that.

And only the people agreeing with the OP said she's valuing herself solely on whether or not she's getting sex. But if sex is important to you, and the person you (probably) agreed to be sexually faithful to withholds it, then astonishingly, you might feel devalued. Certainly you couldn't be blamed for feeling that your considers your needs unimportant.

should read "you couldn't be blamed for feeling that your partner considers your needs unimportant."

Wow. When I read this comment I thought "Damn, it's like they know her!"

She's the type of person who is always the victim and has the most awful life in the world, no one else has it as hard as her. She attacks people for disagreeing with her and then spins it as if SHE'S the wronged party. Her attitude absolutely does not create the kind of atmosphere where you can discuss things with her because she'll flip out the second you say something she doesn't agree with.

Every time she starts her "there's something wrong with someone who doesn't want sex, they have no business being in a relationship, how can they expect someone to love them if they won't have sex?" stuff, even though it's not directed at me, it does make me feel attacked and judged. And it's not like telling her would do any good because then she could just make it even more personal and hurt even more. When you do something that pisses her off, she lashes out in the exact way she knows will hurt you most, so there's no way I can say anything.

AYRT

Sadly, you've also just described my father there with pretty unnerving accuracy, so while I don't 'know' your mother I most certainly know the behaviors you described here and in your original post.

All I can tell you is to keep reminding yourself that all her lashing out, all her victimization and judgment is not a reflection on you. It's coming from a deep insecurity and emotional immaturity within her. It all speaks of issues she refuses to acknowledge and accept (because people with an ingrained victim complex refuse to take personal responsibility for anything; to do so means they can no longer occupy the passive "but everyone's always awful to innocent, hard-done-by me!" role). Those are the things she's really attacking, she just doesn't have the emotional maturity to do it the right way so you and your feelings are getting caught in the crossfire.

I know it's impossible to be totally unaffected by the hurtful things she says and the upsetting views she holds, but even if it's just sometimes, it'll help you massively if you can put some emotional distance between her actions and you and remind yourself that, despite how it sounds, she's really not talking about you (or your father, for that matter) at all. Whether she ever addresses what she's really frightened of, that depends on her. But in the meantime, don't ever feel bad about doing whatever you need to to protect your own emotional wellbeing.

Like I said in the other comment, she knew when they first started dating and thought he would change but he didn't.

...from OP's comments here I DEFINITELY think their mom was aware of their dad's low sex drive going in.

And, uh, actually, everyone needs to express their expectations and desires before marriage, not just those you deem to be "normal". And yes it's statistically normal to want sex in a marriage but even within that? there's a looooot of room for difference. How much sex? How often? How vanilla or kinky? Who initates/leads/dominates? etc. etc. etc. Those can all be dealbreakers even for two people who are sexual.

Edited 2015-05-18 07:38 (UTC)

I know it has to be an awful situation for her to be in (I try to think about myself in the same situation, but reversed, and I would be miserable) but I just wish she didn't have to talk about how fucked up asexuals are. She doesn't know that what she says applies to me, but it does, and it hurts me to hear it.

She could do the mature thing and talk to your father about it, or realise it's partially her fault for not talking about it prior to marriage and children, but that would be to put blame or responsibility on herself.

Maybe it's not fair to say this, but I do feel like some of the blame should be put on her. He's always been like this according to her, even when they very first started dating, and when I asked her why she married him, she said she thought he would change after they were married. Then when it didn't change, she stayed with him because of my brother and I, and after we were grown, it was for financial reasons (they own a business together).

She's said she "really does love" him and doesn't want to leave him but she thinks the answer is that he needs to have sex with her even if he doesn't want to. I've even suggested having an open marriage (discussing open marriages with your mom is weird, but she started the whole TMI thing, so I went with it) but she doesn't want to do that, either. No open marriage, no splitting up so she can find someone she's more compatible with, just "he needs to shut up and do it because he's the one with the problem, not me" which I don't think is really fair.

I think what Anon meant by "but that would be to put blame or responsibility on herself" was that your *mother* would have a hard time accepting any scenario that involved her being in any way at fault, and from your description of her, that appears to be true.

It sounds like she's clinging stubbornly to an ideal life script she assumed she'd be living out and won't let go of that even if it might make her happier. It may be irrational, but a lot of people do get very invested in that kind of thing and may count themselves as failures if it doesn't work out.

I have to have some sympathy for her not wanting a divorce or open marriage, as those things are often easier said than done, particularly if money is an issue and she loves him. (I'm not saying that couples in open marriages don't love each other, but not everyone is interested in sex outside of a romantic/affectionate relationship and not everyone is poly, either, so expecting a woman who loves her husband to just go and get a boyfriend like it's no big deal - and would take no effort - would be a bit unfair.) It's also possible she feels she is too old to attract a new partner and putting herself in a position where she'd be allowed to find one would be opening herself up to the possibility of failure.

Still, she's obviously not blameless here and while blaming others might make her feel self-righteous, it's clearly not improving her situation or her actual happiness levels.

Yeah, I'm the person who expressed a certain amount of sympathy for your mom, but that was assuming she didn't know when she married your dad that she was getting the Last of the Shakers. If she went into the marriage and then continued in it expecting him to change for her, that's entirely different. She really has no call to be regarding herself as a victim in that case.

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[ SECRET POST #3056 ]

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