[ SECRET POST #3056 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3056 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #437.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like the response to this is going to be mostly "OMG you're being dumb, get over it!" but I kind of just need to rant.

So my mom is a major oversharer, and the word "boundaries" is not a part of her vocabulary. This leads to her telling me many things I don't need or want to know, but the main thing is her constantly bitching about her sex life. My dad apparently almost never wants to have sex and just "isn't sexual" at all. He doesn't seem to get sexual references or jokes, and when he himself makes "that's what she said" type innuendos, he doesn't seem to even realize it unless someone else points it out. According to her, he's apparently never been interested in sex, and I feel like there's a good chance he's asexual.

What bothers me about all this is I'm asexual. I would LOVE to be in a relationship with a guy that didn't want sex, but I'll most likely never be able to find one. The fact that she's constantly COMPLAINING about something that I wish I could have just makes me sad.

In the past I've made kind of offhand comments that there are some people that aren't interested in sex (although I never used the word "asexual") and that's just how they are, and her response was that there was something wrong with them and they were sick and fucked up and needed help, but I haven't brought it up in a long time because it would just upset me when she would say shit like that.

Then recently, she was complaining again, and mentioned that she'd discovered that "there are people who are this thing called asexual" and I thought oh, maybe she's learned some stuff, this could be good...nope. "They have no right being in relationships, they should just be single if they don't want sex, if they are they need to just do it whether they want to or not because THEY'RE the ones with a problem."

I've never told her that I'm asexual because of all this crap she says, so it's not like it's being directed at me, but it's beyond obvious what she thinks about asexual people in general, and every time she makes one of those comments, it just makes me feel awful about myself. She has a lot of other ideas/beliefs that bother me (a guy who doesn't fit the super aggressive macho alpha male asshole mold is a "pussy" and "not a real man" to her; anytime I say anything that she disagrees with, I must be on my period; I wouldn't say she's exactly racist/homophobic/transphobic in that she hates or dislikes people from those groups, but she definitely believes in the stereotypes; etc.) so we clash a lot.

Then last night I was reading some random article online not even related to asexuality, but somehow it came up in the comments, and people were saying all the same shit my mom says ("those people have problems, there's something wrong with them, they're fucked up, etc."). I know, you can't really take that kind of shit seriously, but it was on top of the fact that my own mother says those same things, and I'm just feeling kind of down in general at the moment (work is really stressful right now).

I just hate feeling like this. :(

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

She's probably projecting.

She feels unattractive and unloved because she's not getting the sex she wants from the man she wants it from, so she's lashing out. Everyone else must have the problem, not her.

She could do the mature thing and talk to your father about it, or realise it's partially her fault for not talking about it prior to marriage and children, but that would be to put blame or responsibility on herself.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Came here to say pretty much this.

OP, you're taking her comments as a blanket judgement about asexuality when in reality her complaints are deeply, deeply personal in relation to how insecure she feels. Despite how it sounds, she's lashing out at what she feels she isn't getting from your father, not at asexuality, and not at you. I know how hard it is to not take the things she says personally, but she's projecting so hard right now that it really, truly isn't about you and your feelings. She's too wrapped up in her own on this subject to even notice yours.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

NAYRT, obviously

I don't think there's anything out of line about expecting to have sex with the person you're married to. If someone has no sex drive or doesn't experience sexual attraction, but still wants to be married, it's on them to express in advance that they want a sexless marriage, not for the partner whose expectations are normal.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I know it has to be an awful situation for her to be in (I try to think about myself in the same situation, but reversed, and I would be miserable) but I just wish she didn't have to talk about how fucked up asexuals are. She doesn't know that what she says applies to me, but it does, and it hurts me to hear it.

She could do the mature thing and talk to your father about it, or realise it's partially her fault for not talking about it prior to marriage and children, but that would be to put blame or responsibility on herself.

Maybe it's not fair to say this, but I do feel like some of the blame should be put on her. He's always been like this according to her, even when they very first started dating, and when I asked her why she married him, she said she thought he would change after they were married. Then when it didn't change, she stayed with him because of my brother and I, and after we were grown, it was for financial reasons (they own a business together).

She's said she "really does love" him and doesn't want to leave him but she thinks the answer is that he needs to have sex with her even if he doesn't want to. I've even suggested having an open marriage (discussing open marriages with your mom is weird, but she started the whole TMI thing, so I went with it) but she doesn't want to do that, either. No open marriage, no splitting up so she can find someone she's more compatible with, just "he needs to shut up and do it because he's the one with the problem, not me" which I don't think is really fair.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[intrigueing]

She sounds like she's being ridiculous and narrow-minded. I would say either a) ignore her or b) try and ask her why she thinks it's sick and fucked up to not want sex, to see if she can uncover why she believes this.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Because she's not getting any and she places so much important on that that it's damaging her sense of self worth. It's pretty obvious.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Ignoring her probably sounds like the best option but that's easier to say than do.

Her answer to the "why" is that "it just is" and because "it's not normal", she doesn't really have a real reason.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[herpymcderp]

That's a shitty situation, OP. At some point you're probably going to need to stand up for yourself, though. If not now then at a point in your life when you do enter into a relationship and your mom starts wanting to discuss your sex life or pressure you into having children or whatever else might happen.

Your mom sounds like someone who has never considered that what she's saying might actually hurt or offend anyone close to her. Unfortunately, the only way to get it to stop is to tell her to stop it.

It might be best to wait until you're in a position of relative independence to bring anything like this up, but I suggest that you start considering how you might want to go about it. Otherwise the cycle is only going to continue and you are going to keep feeling like shit about it.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I have been in relationships (with non-asexuals) in the past, and I did have sex with them. She asked for details about my sex life in those relationships, and when I told her it was none of her business, she pouted and tried to guilt me into sharing by telling me that my brother tells her about his sex life, so I should too. I actually told her I've had sex with more people than I actually have because she kept on about it and was making me feel bad for not having had more partners.

About being in a position of independence, I actually am. Being around my mom so much, I probably sounded younger, but I'm in my late 20s (the main reason why I think I'm unlikely to ever find a relationship with someone compatible, it seems like if it hasn't happened yet it's not going to) and live by myself. So I COULD tell her to go fuck herself and not speak to her if I wanted to, but...as awful as she can sometimes be, I don't want to completely cut her out of my life. But I also don't know how to have her in my life when she continues to make me feel so bad about myself. I don't really know what the answer is.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Ironically worded advice inbound in

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Fuck her.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

I was going to suggest telling her mom that her asexuality is literally NOT "fucked up" hahahhrmmm...

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Don't worry, eventually you'll find the right person and have fulfilling sexual relationship.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Not funny enough :(

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[silverr]

I once heard someone say that marriages (or really any relationship) are successful in different ways, and that couples that work generally sync on at least two of the three:

Hot - sexual passion
Warm - companionable friendship
Cold - an agreement to form the legal civil partnership for mutual benefit (material goods, children, etc.)

It sounds like your mom wants different things than your dad does?

Also - If your dad's lower libido was sudden it could be due to endocrine system issues.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[dethtoll]

She's projecting so hard you could point her at a wall and watch a movie.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[dahli]

Why is your mom talking to you about her sex problems with you? Why not talk with your dad or therapist? Her problems in bed aren't your problems. Or better put, her problems are not your problem. Period.

Also you're not fucked up, OP. Some people like having sex, some people don't, and that's okay. Not everyone fits perfectly into every little label.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[elaminator]

There is nothing wrong with you. I know it can be difficult to feel that way when you have people around you telling you otherwise, but seriously, sex isn't that important. (Well, to some people it is which is also fine, but you can live a perfectly normal and fulfilling life without it.)

It sounds like your mom wants different things than your dad and if that's making her unhappy she should talk it out with him (Or a therapist). It's an unfortunate position she's put you in, and I wouldn't blame you if you told her you didn't want to get in the middle of it. I hope she eventually catches a clue and stops bringing her problems to you. (And also being so hostile and rude about people being different than her, but like others have said, she's probably projecting.)

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

I know we all want to be accepted by our parents, but honestly your mom sounds like she has a lot of issues.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

Your mom's anger says more about her than it says about asexuals. This isn't an issue she can be objective about, and it might be easier from her point of view to believe that your dad (and asexuals in general) are "sick" rather than examine the possibility that it's her own relationship that's damaged, or that your dad's lack of interest in sex is related to her somehow.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[ghostofcairo]

I know it's easy for us here to say since we're not there, but I think everyone else is right. It sounds like she's projecting her own issues onto you, and what she's saying reflects more on her than it does on you (or your dad, or asexual people in general). While I love her, my own mom says and believes some narrow-minded and ignorant things (usually about sexuality and gender and sometimes race) and it pisses me off, but I have to remind myself that it's her problem, not mine.

I don't always succeed, but for me the best way to deal with it is to just try not to engage. If she starts off on some tangent I just don't say anything, let her rant, and then when she's done I calmly change the subject. Like I said, I don't always succeed, sometimes I end up calling her on whatever ignorant thing she said and that usually makes things worse, but I try to ignore it as much as I can. I don't know if that would work for you or not, but maybe it's worth a try?

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[raspberryrain]

Wow.

OK, sounds like your mother's sex drive is a lot higher than your father's, and she's angry at him for not being as sexually aggressive as she'd like.

That's where a lot of this is coming from. When she says, "They have no right being in relationships, they should just be single if they don't want sex, if they are they need to just do it whether they want to or not because THEY'RE the ones with a problem," she's talking about her frustration with your dad.

That's not a reasonable generalisation on her part. It's her own anger at her own marriage for not conforming to her fantasies.

I don't know how to help her. But you have to accept that whatever relationship you form has to be one which is good for you and for your spouse, or this kind of misery and anger and hatred can grow.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

The fact that she's constantly COMPLAINING about something I wish I could have just makes me sad.

Astonishingly, different people want different things. You might want what she has, but how is that a reason she should be happy with it, since it's quite obviously not what she wants?

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[(Anonymous)]

well the first thing is that you shouldn't be privy to your parent's marital problems, and especially when they involve sex. it's weird and gross that she's involving you in these conversations. if your dad is normal and open to suggestion, I'd tell him that he and your mom need to be in a couples' therapy to discuss this, because you are not their therapist and shouldn't have to be. her comments have nothing to do with you or other asexuals, they're a product of resentment toward your father, so separate her thoughts from asexuality immediately.

Re: Asexual with a mom who thinks it's "sick and fucked up"...feeling sad

[diet_poison]

tbqh your mom sounds like a jerk :(

I also wonder why she and your dad are together/married (whichever) in the first place if they're fundamentally sexually incompatible.

On the bright side - you mentioned you wanted to be in a relationship with a guy, and your dad is a guy who you think is ace, and that means ace guys exist! And you can probably find one, even if it takes some time. :)

Sorry you're going through that, though. That just does not sound like fun at all.