fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3107 ]

mine below

I was never supposed to come back :(

Ouch. Uh... from college or something?

I don't think anyone from my father's side of the family ever learned how to recognize and accept tragedy. Every time something bad is about to happen, they come up with a reason why it's not really happening, or won't happen yet, or they don't need to worry about it . . . Then it finally happens, and they're blindsided. They just can't believe it happened, because they did everything they possibly could not to believe in it.

Up until a few days ago, he was insisting the cat was slowly getting better. Now he's insisting it's still happy and enjoys looking around, and he won't put it to sleep until it's no longer happy. I'm the one in charge of giving it medicine every twelve hours, so I feel complicit in keeping it alive when it seems so sick and miserable to me.

I'm so sorry you have to go through that

*hugs*

(Also, I'm sorry if I sound like an ass and I hope I'm not offending you, but what you described sounds a lot like your father might be a narcissist. Again, sorry for making assumptions, but I was raised by one and... yeah.)

na

I didn't really get that impression tbh (I mean, he really could be a narcissist for all I know, but this post in particular didn't really indicate that to me, at least not with the details that have been given). It sounds more like he's just severely in denial and unwilling to accept the fact that his pet is dying. Things like are pretty common. Hell, we don't just do it to pets, we do it to people as well all the time because even when someone is desperately and direly ill enough to believe that ending their life is genuinely the best option, a lot of people will refuse to accept that and encourage their loved one to keep hanging onto life for their own peace of mind. I would say that it's the opposite of being narcissistic, although it's certainly still selfish.

My mother just talked to him, and they told me to stop giving the medicine to the cat. Dad spent the whole conversation sitting on the couch, stroking the cat over and over. I think he probably needs that hug more than I do.

da

That's so sad. It sounds like both you and your father are in a really awful position :( I hope that your cat finds peace soon

How about the realization that my family was REALLY fucked up even though it felt normal to me at the time?

I was never physically abused, though my parents believed in spanking, but I don't remember any serious spankings and I was always really obedient so I hardly ever got any at all, anyway. My dad's a big intimidating guy but I always knew he loved me, even if he could be kinda severe sometimes.

So one day he is looking through this box he got at a yard sale, and takes out this little toy like, plastic retractable knife? I would have used it for like, a prop for a play or something. It's the kind that you push it and the plastic blade goes inside the handle so it looks like the blade is actually going into whatever/whoever you're "stabbing".

My dad wasn't expecting to find it and kinda laughed and turned to me and got this fake angry voice, "I told you to do your chores!" and fake-stabbed me in the side.

And I freaked the fuck out.

Like, panicky, sobbing, really believed for a second there my dad had fucking STABBED me.

He was horrified, I was upset, and it was really disturbing to me afterwards, like - what's WRONG with me and/or my family that I actually thought for a second he'd DO that?

I told this story to a friend at college who thought my dad was just terrible for doing it at all, even if he was joking. Thoughts? :/

*braces self*

idk, if my dad did that to me then I probably would have found it funny because that's the kind of dynamic that we have. That doesn't mean your feelings are invalid though (you do mention after all that you find your father to be an intimidating person and it makes sense that you would freak out if he'd never really played those kinds of jokes on you previously to the incident) and I hope that you and your father are able to eventually work through the underlying trust issues that you have with him.

Oops, sorry, anon, misfire :(

How old were you at the time?

Maybe 15?

House was right.

which time?

Everybody lies.

I am actually finding it sort of sad/funny that none of the people I'm related to realised how one-sided our relationships were.

Now that I've stopped giving a shit because I have no energy, they're all so fucking shocked when they snap their fingers and I don't magically appear to unfuck their lives for them.

The moment I realized I didn't have to be attached to people who don't genuinely give a fuck about me. That I didn't have to torture myself into forcing a connection because family and then hate myself for not caring more, for not wanting to care more, and blame myself for any situation that went south. That I did, in fact, not owe an incompetent, angry narcissist a goddamn thing, not even my presence. That I don't deserve to be anyone's punching bag and be blamed for their shortcomings because I was supposed to not let everything go to pot.

That I am a pretty lousy daughter. But then, the ones that bred me weren't exactly ever going to win the parent of the year award.

That every failed relationship I've had (friend, familial, lover, acquaintance, etc) can be attributed to the ambivalence of my upbringing, the violation of almost every boundary I have by people I trusted, or should have been able to trust. That I still don't know how to be a halfway decent friend to anyone, that I'm always worrying about how someone I might barely know will perceive me, if they'll see me as this horrible person because all my reciprocal actions are either awkward or nonexistent. That I may never be able to make friends or keep friends at this age, because I don't know how to reach out without being annoyingly needy or just a burden. And even if I do, I may be always holding back for that reason and feel like they'll never truly know me.

That I have a long road ahead of me, a lifetime of deprogramming all of these awful thought processes and equally terrible behaviors, and teaching myself not just how to adult, but how to be a functional one in society, regardless of what society thinks.

How about the realization that my family was REALLY fucked up even though it felt normal to me at the time?

I was never physically abused, though my parents believed in spanking, but I don't remember any serious spankings and I was always really obedient so I hardly ever got any at all, anyway. My dad's a big intimidating guy but I always knew he loved me, even if he could be kinda severe sometimes.

So one day he is looking through this box he got at a yard sale, and takes out this little toy like, plastic retractable knife? I would have used it for like, a prop for a play or something. It's the kind that you push it and the plastic blade goes inside the handle so it looks like the blade is actually going into whatever/whoever you're "stabbing".

My dad wasn't expecting to find it and kinda laughed and turned to me and got this fake angry voice, "I told you to do your chores!" and fake-stabbed me in the side.

And I freaked the fuck out.

Like, panicky, sobbing, really believed for a second there my dad had fucking STABBED me.

He was horrified, I was upset, and it was really disturbing to me afterwards, like - what's WRONG with me and/or my family that I actually thought for a second he'd DO that?

I told this story to a friend at college who thought my dad was just terrible for doing it at all, even if he was joking. Thoughts? :/

*braces self*

No, I completely get where you're coming from, and I definitely know what you mean about having that kind of weird atmosphere around the home.

I'm sorry, anon *hugs if wanted*

Nothing was wrong with you. Your parents created an atmosphere where your dad was to be feared. I don't find it surprising, given his "severe" track record, that you might have found him capable of the violent act, even for a moment. Especially if you witnessed any progression with the punishments from a "big intimidating guy."

Fake-stabbing someone with a plastic retractable knife is the kind of thing that would happen between siblings. It's not an appropriate thing for a parent to do to their own child... unless, of course, it's some weird in-joke you have between the two of you, and it's been made clear beforehand that nothing malicious/hurtful/hateful is involved.

I think the reason you freaked out even though your dad was joking is because 1) he was "severe" in the past and 2) in fake-yelling at you, he tied the joke to his treatment/discipline of you as a child. From what I gather, the discipline/intimidation is a bit of a sensitive spot for you, and it sounds like your dad was either clueless about it, or was being a deliberate jerk, or in some way was trying to soften his image of having been an asshole during discipline (or whichever time he was being "severe"). It's already an awkward situation when an intimidating person tries joking with someone who is clearly afraid of him. A joke only works when the person on the receiving end finds it funny. Unfortunately, your dad picked a really, really shitty one to use on you.

I admit I'm looking at your situation through a dirty lens, so I may be off the mark. I had a parental unit who had a habit of joking about things from the past, especially if they were responsible for ruining said things for me. And when all these television reports came out about how yelling was considered verbal abuse, they would pull some Pavlov dog bullshit where they would fake-scream my name across the house until I got pissed off and screamed back, and then they'd say something "nice," as though I'd be conditioned to believe that being screamed at was healthy. In my childhood, screaming accompanied physical abuse during punishments, by parental unit. So yeah. Guess who I don't talk to anymore?

[ SECRET POST #3107 ]

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