fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3127 ]

[ SECRET POST #3127 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3127 ⌋

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I'm pissed off at a friend who constantly ditches and forgets about me. We're good friends who have known each other for a very long time and she even has a special nickname for me that she introduces her friends to me as (can't say it here, it'll totally out me).

But in the last month she has forgotten the day I wanted to come visit her (so I had to reschedule), asked to sleep over after a party then bailed on me even though I stayed up super late after a morning shift to see if she was coming back, then after I introduced her to a new series to watch and be an us thing, she downloaded it all and proclaimed how she couldn't wait to watch it with her boyfriend... even though the point of me introducing her to the series was so I could come over and watch it with her and comfort her while her boyfriend was away all summer!

Worst of it was when I asked my Mom for help all I got was the advice of "sometimes your friends can be assholes, but they're still your friends! :D", and to top it all off that became an argument because Mom said she's not going to change and I'm better off just not letting it bother me. But it's not that I want her to change, I just want her to acknowledge that she's treating me bad!

I'm in a similar situation with my own friend, and it sucks. I really want her to acknowledge how much she takes me for granted but when I bring it up she replies with "Oh, I never realized I did that" or other similar statements. So I feel like she's essentially saying it's all in my head or w/e because she always says she's never aware of it...like dude, we both know you're never going to change, so at least own up to it and validate my feelings plz. And apologize once in a while, maybe.

I hate to say this, but the reason why she doesn't feel the need to own up and apologize is because you stick around with her regardless. This is a situation where people can only mistreat you as long as you allow it. Yes, if she were a better person, she'd stop on her own. But she isn't. So you have to decide what YOU are going to do about that and whether or not it's a dealbreaker.

Yeahhh, you're right. The thing is, she's my only friend and is a great person (outside of being a massive flake) and I've known her for 10+ years, so I'm not willing to cut ties completely, though I have distanced myself from her. Logically I've decided not to give a shit since that's the only thing I can about the situation, but unfortunately it's pretty hard to do so in practice and I can't help but think how easily this could be remedied if she just acknowledged her behavior rather than constantly being oblivious and making it sound like I'm being overly sensitive. Obviously what I really need are new friends.

I understand. The longer a friendship has lasted, the harder it is to see it end. But the problem is that you're right, this problem could be easily fixed if your friend was a little more considerate. Unless you're really, really good about letting things go, the resentment will build up over time and start eating away at the friendship even if you don't want to end it. You could try to train (for lack of a better word) her out of it, but honestly, that's really hard to do. You'd have to call her on her behavior each and every time (without getting angry) and hope that forcing her to stop and reconsider her actions will bring about a change in her habits. That will only work if she understands it's a problem AND is willing to work on it.

But regardless of what you decide, making new friends is always a good idea. You can't have too many friends.

The resentment has definitely been building up, unfortunately. I've done everything over the years from passive-aggressively ignoring her back (which lead to neither of us talking for more than a year) to outright accusations, but I find arguments to be too tiresome these days so more recently I either bite my tongue or I mention it to her using a lot of "I FEEL YOU DO THIS" statements which similarly gets me nowhere. A problem is that she seemingly never gets angry at me for anything so if I bring up her behavior too frequently I feel..........like somehow I'm the bully here? There's a lot of small factors involved that make me feel like I can't express genuine anger at her actions, but the flipside is stating thing thing so gently she brushes it off. Or rather, she says she'll do better, but she's too much of a flake to remember/commit.

ANYWAY, thanks for the support, anon! I feel loads better and you had good things to say. Thanks for listening!

thread op and you sound exactly like me.

I just don't really know how to make friends anymore. I have two, the person I'm talking about and my cousin. I also have a very close friend online who's been helping me through this.

This friend I'm talking about and I kind of work better with distance, I think. Seeing each other every month or so works best for us. I'm just not used to her flaking out on me so often, with the three examples I mentioned taking place in the same month (two of them in the same day!).

A lot of things to untangle here.

1) This person is a crappy friend.
2) Your mom is wrong. You do not have to put up with assholes as friends. There is no prize for being a long suffering martyr to a friend who is inconsiderate and dismissive of your friendship.
3) If you haven't firmly but politely called your friend out on this, "Hey, I thought we had planned to do _________ and this is the third time you've bailed. What's up?" then perhaps you should consider doing it. But only if you can do it calmly and not in an accusatory fashion because that will only start a fight.
4) In the end, you have to realize that you cannot control your friend's actions, you can only control your own. As much as it'd be nice if she acknowledged her poor behavior and maybe even apologized, you can't force her to do this. You can, however, decide to do a slow fade on this person or at least dial back your commitments until you find the real level your friendship is at. By that I mean maybe you're not the type of friends who see each other more than once a month, etc.

Sometimes you can salvage a friendship, but you cannot do it by yourself. If your friend isn't interested in being a better friend, it's time to shop around for new ones.

ayrt

Thank you so much for your advice. We usually are the kind of friends who get along better if we see each other once every other month. She has a huge social roster and I'm socially awkward, so she has a lot of places to go, people to see.

Though I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for her, I really hate it when I try to wrangle in some time for us and I get brushed off. What I'm not used to is all of this happening at once. We've never had this many issues before so many times in a row, and over things I've been trying to do to help.

I think I'll just go back to my usual standby- just lay low until she gets the urge to contact me again for a meetup, and if she flakes on me again, I'll make note of it every time it happens from now on. Hopefully that'll bring it to her attention.

I hope you can find some more friends anon :(

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