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[ SECRET POST #3149 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3149 ⌋

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A previous post asked if you'd stay with someone who wanted to wait until marriage to be sexually active, and a lot of people were like "No! What if we're not sexually compatible!!!"

Which got me wondering about sexual compatibility. Because the only way I can really make sense of that reaction is if, by sexually compatible, people are referring to size issues. It'd suck to get married and find out my new husband was hung like a horse and just doesn't fit, for instance.

But when it comes to other stuff...I'm just not sure what can't be overcome by talking about it beforehand ("You'll want to shit on my face? That's a dealbreaker") or...okay, "training" isn't a very good word but if the wedding has happened and you don't feel like your spouse is particularly adept in bed, have a damn conversation about what you like and don't like and keep at it.

Is there something else that I'm missing?

I presumed they were talking more about frequency. As in, I don't want much sex, but my partner wants it three times a day.

That's my guess as to what they might mean, anyway.

And what part of this couldn't be solved through talking about it?

Sometimes that can be solved by talking about it, but sometimes it can't. Low libido is sometimes caused by external factors or health issues, and some people are okay with having sex when they don't want it. But some people have a low libido simply because that's the way they're wired, and some people feel awful when they have sex that they don't want.

Generally speaking, a relationship in which there is a libido mismatch (and we're talking extremes, here, not, like, person A wants it 5 times a week and person B only wants it 3 times a week. We're talking person A wants it 5 times a week and person B only wants it 2 or 3 times a month) is going to have more problems than one in which libidos are well-matched. And this is, of course, assuming monogamy.

Some people don't know what their libido will be until they've had sex, too.

Maybe sex turns out to not be as amazing as everyone says it is, and it plummets.

Maybe it turns out to be amazeballsholyshit so much better than they expected and their libido goes soaring.

Maybe the person masturbates all the time but when it comes to sex with a partner they can't be assed.

Maybe the person never masturbates and assumes they have little interest but holy shit sex with a partner is different!

Re: Sexual compatibilty

a_potato - 2015-08-19 00:10 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sexual compatibilty

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-19 01:02 (UTC) - Expand

LOLOLOLOLOL

Do you know how many guys claim they are fucking sex machines because that's what society expects and then it turns out they've got the libido of a wet breadstick?

Re: Sexual compatibilty

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-19 00:09 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sexual compatibilty

fingalsanteater - 2015-08-19 00:18 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sexual compatibilty

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-19 00:22 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sexual compatibilty

fingalsanteater - 2015-08-19 00:49 (UTC) - Expand

I'd hope size alone wouldn't be a deal breaker for a girl/gay guy, but hey, people can be shallow.

When I think of sexual compatibility, I think of sort of a natural sexual chemistry. Like, when you have sex, it's fun. Granted, I think sex is mostly a taught/learned skill, not an inherent one, but chemistry can be one of those unexplainable things, too. Still, I agree, to a large extent if you're otherwise attracted to your partner, surely you could have a conversation about your bedroom likes/dislikes, especially while you're having sex, that's the only way people can really learn what others like.

I think with size there can be such a thing as too small or too big to the point where it doesn't fit. And at that point, if the other person really needs penetration to be sexually satisfied that can be a deal breaker.

What if they're huge into kink and you're not? Or vice versa, and you want a basement dungeon and they want missionary with the lights off through a blanket? It's still sex, but your preferences can vary much more generally than shit or no shit

Oh for fuck's sake. Shitting on the face was an example of kinks that could be dealbreakers, not the sole kink.

Correct, and I understood that, thanks. I'm saying level of kinkiness is a much broader thing that can be a dealbreaker without even getting into Kink A or Kink B, where someone may be too vanilla or too kinky in general for someone else.

More so if person A is a virgin before marriage. Many people try sex then find out they're a lot more kinky than they thought, which their partner may not like or match.

As the person above said, frequency. Also things like "this person is actually kind of selfish in bed" or "this person isn't actually willing to learn what I like" or things like that.

that dealbreaker example is amazing

Eh, no - size issues wouldn't even be in my top five.

I'd be more worried about incompatible kinks, or huge discrepancies in sex drives, different stamina's etc.

So...again...talk about things?

Here's the thing, though: you might not know. Especially, you know, if you never had sex.

What you enjoy in practice might be very different from what you imagine you'd like.

Re: Sexual compatibilty

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-20 06:55 (UTC) - Expand

Talk won't magically reveal if someone's actually selfish in bed.

Yup. I think kinks is something you can talk about. But if, like, they only want sex once a week or less and you want sex once a day, that can be a dealbreaker (depending on whether that is something you can compromise on). And if they just want to do it quick and be done with it and you like to take time and go at it for several hours, you are also going to have problems.

Some things can be talked about. Some things you aren't going to even think about until they come up. And some things can be compromised on, but there are actual incompatibilities that are going to make your sex life miserable if you only find out on your wedding night and you plan on staying married for the rest of your life.

Yeah and the tricky thing is that some things take time to find out (like you may have a lot of sex in the first year because you're both still infatuated, but after that discrepancy in drive might really start showing).

Also talking has limits, especially for people who never actually had sex.

Re: Sexual compatibilty

philstar22 - 2015-08-19 00:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sexual compatibilty

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-19 15:36 (UTC) - Expand

what your missing is the thing that can't be solved by having a chat about your wants and needs: what happens when you don't know what you want or need. In other words, if your preconceived ideas of sex are way off from what your body wants, coupled with your partner's preconceived ideas of sex being way off from what they and you want.

let's be real most people waiting until marriage aren't googling techniques and preparing a repertoire while exploring themselves fully inside and out so they can come to the wedding bed with a game plan. They're going to remain ignorant and imagine what it should be like, and when it's not at all like that, they get disappointed and rifts get started and that's why so many unhappy married people email Dan Savage every day.

you can't talk about kinks, frequency, libido, or even "hey there's more than penetration" if you don't even know what you want. or if your partner has no clue. there's education, and then there's overcoming years and years of bad habits, complete ignorance, and that's even before we touch selfishness.

NAYRT

Yep. It's the same reason people can talk about every detail of living together for years, try it out, and realize they can't stand each other.

nyart

That's a good comparison. I'd trust my best friend and her boyfriend with my life, but there's a reason my knee-jerk reaction was "fuck no" when they offered to let me live with them.

Libido has already been mentioned, so I'm going to go with another tact.

So, I'm a masochist. I like Wartenburg wheels, I like being smacked, I like being whipped and flogged. You can talk about that with some people. You can get them used to it. But there are some people who just cannot reconcile the idea of causing someone they care about pain, even if that person wants it.

It's somewhat of an extreme example, but that's the sort of thing people are talking about when it comes to sexual compatibility. Everyone has certain things that they need in bed in order to feel completely sexually satisfied, and not everyone is going to be able to provide those things. No amount of talking is going to make someone who completely hates a particular type of sex start liking it. And part of the problem is that, if you wait until you're married to have sex, you might not even know what you need and what you hate.

This is not to say that communication can't solve some issues, because it can: showing someone where you like or don't like to be kissed or touched; giving gentle instructions during oral; talking about what positions work and don't work for you; etc. But when you start hitting up against people's limits, communication stops working.

It's also worth noting that there are some people who just...clash when they get into the bedroom. No matter how good they are at communicating, they just can't seem to get "in sync" with each other. It's like any other facet of a relationship. Sometimes, you don't click.

(On another note, I'm getting an intense feeling of deja vu... Have we had this discussion here before? Can anyone remember?)

Ok, I had a couple of weekenders with this guy, and he was great in bed, and very nice.

But something about his smell just didn't work. Yeah, pheromone compatibility is a thing for me. And afterward, it was like cuddling with a Klondike Bar. The body temperature just didn't match.

TONS HOLY FUCK.

Sexually compatible not only means size compatible (if you want penetrative sex), but mainly means that you both like to have sex the same way.

I encompasses a) wanting to have sex at all b) wanting to have the same kind of sex (oral, anal, vaginal, mutual masturbation) c) wanting the same frequency of sex d) enjoying/being open to the same kinks....

And finally the most important thing; actually enjoying each other when you have your clothes off. I can't count the number of times I've thought someone was attractive until it got down to it and I realized no, actually they were a terrible kisser and a bad communicator and this was not a person I wanted to have sex with.

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