fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3315 ]

[ SECRET POST #3315 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3315 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01. [tb]

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 060 secrets from Secret Submission Post #474.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't mean to use you guys as free therapy. I just cannot bring myself to take that next step. Can't really do much of anything anymore.

I'm in law school right now, and I hate it. I know that I have to continue law school because otherwise my family will consider me a complete failure. The thought that I have to go read one of my law books for about 8 hours right now and go to my four-hour class tomorrow is making me feel legitimately sick.

I have no friends. I have no one I talk to on a daily basis besides my Mom. I have been depressed for about ten years and see no end in sight. I figure that nobody gives a fuck and treatment never works, which is probably true.

I wish that a truck would hit me or I'd die of a freak disease every day. I don't have the guts to kill myself. I've always gotten to the tipping point and just backed off. Every year, I decide I will kill myself on February 6th if it hasn't gotten better. 3 years in a row and I haven't done it. Don't know why I bother.

I'm sorry to dump on you guys. I just don't know who to talk to. I have to do my work but all I want to do is just curl up and die. I tried to do my work and it's not working. I don't know what to do.

Is quitting law school and trying to do something else that interests you, literally worse than death?

I'm very ingrained in my patterns and take the path of least resistance. That's why I'm here. Death feels like a great option to me and has been for years - very little seems better than it to me.

If you think staying in it is going to lead to suicide and it can't get worse, you have nothing to lose. Why not switch majors? What if you find that it makes you happier? Isn't it worth a shot?

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:29 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:39 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:43 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:51 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 23:07 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 23:43 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

mrs_don_draper - 2016-01-31 23:56 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

herpymcderp - 2016-02-01 01:37 (UTC) - Expand

What was your undergrad degree in? What are you most interested in? (I know that can be an impossible question to answer when you're in the throes of depression.)

People do give a fuck, and treatment does work. At the very least, treatment helps, a lot. I'm a big proponent of talk therapy, if available. Does your law school have a counseling center? If so, it couldn't hurt to make an appointment.

And, just out of curiosity, why February 6th every year?

It was in English. I wanted to be a doctor every since I was in diapers. However, a complicated set of circumstances led to what happened with that that I can't get in to now.

It's my half birthday (August 6th is my real one). It's not surrounded by major holidays or birthdays of anyone else. Everyone I've ever known died in February. Those are my arbitrary reasons.

You share your birthday with Lucille Ball. :)

I'm sorry that circumstances have prevented you from achieving your lifelong dream of being a doctor. You can always pursue new dreams, though, and well...it sounds like law school isn't it. Death by truck or freak disease are really morbid dreams that I don't advise following.

What were your favorite courses studying English? Was there a particular type of literature you loved best? Shakespearan? British? Classic? Russian? Did your university differentiate its English department between Literature & Writing concentrations?

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:41 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

sadiesockmonkey - 2016-01-31 22:53 (UTC) - Expand

I've been in that place where the prospect of academic failure and coming clean to my family seemed worse than death. But then it happened, and it wasn't worse than death. It was better, so, so much better. The first step I took on a long journey to, ultimately, a much healthier place in life.

I don't know what your family is like, but... your parents probably want you to be anything but dead.

I'm not sure what they want. They knew I was depressed/suicidal in the past. My Mom when she learned that brought me to a "speech therapist" so I could learn how to interact socially and make more friends. She doesn't really believe in doctors or anything so it was...not helpful very much.

I'm pretty sure their reaction would be the same thing.

Okay, your parents sound a bit like mine, which sucks.

Some people just do not get mental illness, anon. And yeah, that is unfortunate, but generally it'snot malice, it's just...they don't understand that is a place ou can go in your head, because their brains are not prone to depression.

But trust me, no parents (barring perhaps sociopaths) wants to see their child dead.

I know several people who quit law school after first year. They are all happier even though they already paid a chunk of money. You shouldn't stick with something you hate, especially not if it makes you suicidal. Your survival is more important.

There are medical careers besides doctor. You could maybe try one of those and then do medical school when you have more money?

The problem is, I'm not talented at biology like I am in English or anything else. I was in the top 5% of my class last semester, but at the same time, completely miserable. I don't know how to deal with that. I figure I'll fail either way.

What if you pursued something like editing a medical journal? You could use your talents in English to connect with the medical world.

I don't know then honestly. I don't think most people enjoy la school. I enjoyed the internships and some of the subjects (anything immigration or human rights related mostly). But other things I loathed. I barely made it through secured transactions.

Once you have a law degree there are a lot of things you can do with it. You don't have to be a lawyer, and there are different kinds of lawyers.

But if just forcing yourself through the last few years is making you suicidal, your survival and well being matters. You need to take care of yourself. Does your school have therapists you could talk to? There were a few points for me where I got suicidal and needed to talk to someone.

And honestly, right now, taking the bar for the second time and terrified of failing again I've had a few small thoughts that it would be easier if I just killed myself before I could be a failure again. But I've managed to brush those thoughts away. And once I'm through the bar I'm going to look into affordable therapists in my area.

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:50 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

philstar22 - 2016-01-31 22:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 22:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

philstar22 - 2016-01-31 23:03 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-31 23:10 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

philstar22 - 2016-01-31 23:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

philstar22 - 2016-01-31 22:57 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sad anon looking for guidance. Trigger warning for suicide/depression I think.

diet_poison - 2016-02-01 01:12 (UTC) - Expand

I don't mean to use you guys as free therapy.

Is there any way you could get actual therapy? There are free clinic type places, even for mental health. Treatment isn't a magic pill, it may not solve your problems but it can make them easier to deal with. It can help some.

Especially if you're the type of person who gets stuck in a rut, finds it too hard to make changes, stand up to people, face their disapproval, etc. Having that outside perspective can really help.

I know that I have to continue law school because otherwise my family will consider me a complete failure.

Are you sure they couldn't learn to live with their child being a teacher or a web developer or a mechanic? Most parents can learn to take pride in any accomplishment of their child's. And if they can't...well, those are usually the toxic narcissist parents anyway...

I know the thought is unthinkable, but: if you're in your first year: stop, stop right now. Your family will live.

If you're in your last year, maybe try to trooper through (but change careers after graduation).

If you're somewhere in between, think long and hard over what will cause you the least damage. Emotional damage counts.

Look, I heard a lot of bullshit from shrinks over the years, but one thing that stuck and made sense is that depression can be triggered (or even caused) by external factors. And it made sense me.

My school (highschool, but same principle) was making me sick. I stayed too long, and I wish I could undo it.

No study is worth your mental health. No study is worth feeling like you want to kill yourself. NO REALLY.

Sometimes the feeling you want to kill yourself (especially if you can't bring yourself to do it) doesn't men you want to die, but it means you do not want the life you're living, and you feel trapped.

If the feeling is drastic enough to warrant ending your life, you can end your studies - trust me, in the end, it's the lesser loss.

Edited 2016-01-31 23:01 (UTC)

^ this so much

There's a very good chance your school already has student health services or someone you could talk to about the stress you're under. I know it feels like an impossible option, but it's not. Law school is stressful and brutal and I bet there are dozens if not hundreds of people at your school who feel the exact same way. You'd be doing yourself a favor if you checked to see if there are resources for people like you.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. Here are some things to consider:

1. Your degree is for you and will affect you and your life only. Why does it matter more to please your family than yourself? Who are you really helping/hurting here? (I don't mean that unkindly. I think you really need to seriously ask yourself these questions to help you decide.

2. Most schools of higher education offer (free) mental health/counselling services. I would seriously consider looking into it. I also think you should speak to an academic counselor as well. They will at least be able to answer class schedule questions and planning for future semesters.

3. If you can, talk to your Mom. Tell her what's going on if you think she'll be receptive. Hopefully she will think your life and safety is more important than what degree you graduate with.

4. If you need to take time off from school, you should. You're wearing yourself down, and it's not worth it. I'm speaking from experience here.

Best of luck, Anon. <3

Anon, I'm going to join in with everyone else and urge you to seek help. I know there's a lot to this situation that seems insurmountable, but *you* are more important than anything else, and your mental and physical well being should be #1. Take a some sort of a break from school, and don't worry about others' reactions. You shouldn't have to feel miserable and sad all the time.

Depression is an issue that is hard to cover sufficiently, so I'll address the problem you're posing most clearly.

I went to law school. It was possibly the most miserable experience of my life, but I forced my way through it. When I got out, the economy had crashed (hello, 2009), and I couldn't even get a job prosecuting tickets at night court. And I had thousands of dollars in loans which I am *still* paying off. It was awful. We were all miserable. Many of my classmates had to go on medication for anxiety and/or depression. I wouldn't wish law school on my worst enemy and am a crusader against the explosion of law schools going on in the US (despite the lack of a similar growth in the job market). People say you "can do anything with a law degree", which is BULLSHIT. People see a law degree and say, "Then why aren't you working/applying for a job as a lawyer?" They don't accept that you spent $90k on something that you don't want to do. If you quit now, they'll ask about it, but you just say "it wasn't for me" or "the financial aspect proved too difficult to maintain", and they'll move on.

Meanwhile, many of my early classmates quit after the first semester or year. They were and are SO much happier for it. They found jobs. They found careers. They had much easier times paying off $20k than the $60-90k the rest of us had. The typical person changes *careers* (not just jobs) something "crazy" like 5 times in their lifetime. Lawyers drag that average down, because they get stuck. In my mind, they are the ones to be pitied, while the rest of us can imagine something else for our lives.

Cut your losses now and quit. It's not going to get better after law school. Instead of professors, it'll be law firm partners breathing down your neck, yelling about billable hours, and wanting the brief they assigned at 4pm on a Monday afternoon to be done by the 8am deadline on Tuesday. I know people who had to put cots in their office for the first few years of law firm life. If you hate law school, you will loathe law firms.

I'm not meaning to give you the tough love type of speech, but the thing is that you know exactly what you have to do - quit and find something else. It's scary. Terrifying. But that's ok and it's totally normal to be scared. It will get better, because you will be happier. You are not a failure, nor should your family consider you to be one. Since when does hating something and not wanting to do it make you a failure? It makes you capable of knowing your own mind and your own wishes. That's strength. That's independence and self-awareness. Anyone who tells you different is either a jackass or is scared of change themselves. It takes incredible bravery to imagine something different for yourself, so do it. I know you can.

I do think you need more help than internet anons can provide. As I said, I was just addressing the law school thing, but you probably need counseling and/or medication. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1(800)273-8255 - or go to your campus counseling office. They can provide resources for you, which you need to check out. You're obviously very intelligent if you can hold down a job and make tops marks in law school. As trite as it sounds, the world is better with you in it.

that's a great reply. thanks for sharing.

Anon, if you're still reading, to hell with what your parents think. They're not the ones who have to do your coursework and live your life afterwards. If you absolutely can't see yourself ever being happy as a lawyer, cut your losses and try something else. Even if it's only working at Wal-Mart.

I was in a similar situation, I had two years at community college down and was about to transfer to a 4-year school for Computer Science, except I absolutely hated it. I took a private pilot course on a lark because I'd always wanted to be a pilot and it ended up leading to a career in aviation that, while I wouldn't miss if I could make the same amount of money without working, is a fuck of a lot better than working 60 hour weeks and always having to take shit home on nights and weekends in IT.

If your situation is unpleasant enough that you're literally considering suicide over it, bail now, and worry about any other repercussions later.

P.S. If your parents aren't abusive crapsacks, I'm sure they would much rather their child were alive than a lawyer.

I just wanted to add that $20k in educational debt is totally something you can pay off, so don't worry about that if you leave school now. I paid off about $24k in student loans (including interest) in about 8.5 years (by opting for the highest monthly payment I could make and then paying off the last $4000 in one swoop just to get rid of it, which I know isn't going to work for everyone). That seems like a long time, but it doesn't feel so long looking back on it. Don't worry about the money already spent.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only