fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3346 ]

[ SECRET POST #3346 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3346 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

(Donald Trump / Milo Yiannopoulos)

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02.

[Pathologic]

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03.

[Legends of Tomorrow]

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04.

[Tom Hiddleston in Crimson Peak]

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05.

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06.

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07.

(How to be a Serial Killer)

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08.

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09.

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10.

[Pretty Little Liars]

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11.

[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]

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12.

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 032 secrets from Secret Submission Post #478.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So, for the past several years, I've used being fat as an excuse for why I don't have a boyfriend when people would ask me about it. I'd always say, "oh, when I lose weight I'll get one" but I never really put any effort into losing weight because I didn't really care at the time.

I finally got serious, and lost a good amount of the weight I needed to lose, but now it's like I can't go any further. I know what I need to do and I'm not doing it, but mentally, I just can't get into that mindset again. And I think the reason is that once I'm at my goal weight, I won't have an excuse anymore for why I don't have a boyfriend and people will expect me to get one.

I started gaining weight right after my first relationship ended and I realized I was most likely asexual, and I don't think that's a coincidence. When I was thin, I had a boyfriend, and even when I didn't have a boyfriend, guys always hit on me, which made me uncomfortable. After I got fat, guys didn't hit on me anymore. And I don't think it was at all a conscious thing, where I thought "hey, I'll gain a bunch of weight so I won't get hit on anymore" but I think subconsciously that was why.

And now, I can't lose anymore weight because I think of how I told everyone that I'd get a boyfriend when I got thin again but I don't WANT one and what happens once I lose weight and I still don't get one? What's my excuse then?

I know this probably sounds completely ridiculous but I don't know how to get past it. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

You don't need an excuse. It's not anybody's business, but if they have to ask and you have to answer, just say you're not interested in a relationship right now.

This so much. And people will be judgy either way.

OP

I know I need to just not care, but that's much easier said than done, unfortunately. :(

OP

I feel like that's not an excuse that will work with my family, at least not for long, anyway. Eventually they'll say "you've been saying 'not right now' for a month/6 months/a year/whatever, so when ARE you going to be interested?" and I don't know what to say then. I guess I need to get better at telling them to mind their own business.

Who cares what you told people? If they ask, tell them the only guys interested in you are jerks or something. It's not like you're beholden to anyone else to be in a relationship.

It IS completely a ridiculous notion. Not that it isn't understandable, but man, you just have to learn to stop caring about what other people think of your sexuality and your love life. You'll be much happier that way, trust me.

OP

you just have to learn to stop caring about what other people think of your sexuality and your love life. You'll be much happier that way, trust me.

I feel like every damn issue in my entire life comes down to "you need to stop caring what other people think" but I feel like that's much easier said than done and I don't know how to actually DO it.

...Well, you know how those old manuals on surviving a torture situation advised that the best way to keep your sanity was to try to develop either disdain or pity for your captors?

I'm not saying specifically do that, but do try finding some reason to not value their opinion so much. Like, "They can't possibly understand what it is to not be attracted to people." or "They've just been brainwashed by society telling them that everyone needs to be in a relationship to be happy."

Theoretically both or neither of those things may be true, but it's the key to not feeling like you owe it to someone to behave a certain way.

OP

I've tried similar things in the past, but I can't help but feel like it's really arrogant to think that way, and I always end up going back to this:

Theoretically both or neither of those things may be true

And think about how I'm just deluding myself and they're right, and I'm wrong, and then I feel awful all over again.

I'm hopeless. I probably need therapy or something, but I feel like that'd just cause even more issues, because then I'd get "asexuality isn't real" and they'd try to "cure" me, which I feel like would just make the whole thing worse.

I really just don't know what to do.

Maybe try a sexologist. Most of them are up to speed on asexuality and won't try to convince you to try something just because they thing it's a normal thing for a person to do.

The actual truth of the matter is that nobody cares as much about your sex life as you think they do unless they are actively interested in a)having sex with you or b)seeing that you procreate. You're worrying about this much, much more than the situation actually warrants.

Maybe. Thanks for the recommendation.

seeing that you procreate

That's the main thing. I'm not worried too much about people being interested in having sex with me because I can always turn them down, but getting shit from my parents about grandkids is definitely an issue. I don't want kids and am pretty sure I wouldn't even if I weren't asexual (I know there are asexual people who DO want kids so I don't think the two things are necessarily related) and feel like I'm disappointing my parents because of it. I've told them I don't want kids (but not about the asexual thing obviously) and they say they're okay with it, but then when I'm at some family event or party or something and one of my mom's friends is around and mentions their grandkids, she always says "I'll never have grandkids" in a sad voice and looks at me, and then her friends give me crap about it, too.

You're worrying about this much, much more than the situation actually warrants.

The story of my fucking life. I feel like I do nothing BUT worry, and probably 99% of it is stuff that will never happen.

I guess I probably just need therapy in general even outside of the sexuality stuff.

Your mom's allowed to grieve not having grandkids, but it's kind of shitty of her to pull the guilt trip on you publicly and then let her friends get on you too.

Re: Weight/dating/sexuality

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Re: Weight/dating/sexuality

(Anonymous) - 2016-03-03 19:19 (UTC) - Expand

I can't help but feel like it's really arrogant to think that way,

Isn't it equally arrogant to assume that everyone in the world absolutely must be paired up, because people not paired up are completely miserable and anyone who thinks otherwise is "just deluding" themselves?

Live your life the way you want. Anybody who isn't already sleeping in your bed doesn't get to tell you what (or who) you ought to be doing.

OP

Isn't it equally arrogant to assume that everyone in the world absolutely must be paired up, because people not paired up are completely miserable and anyone who thinks otherwise is "just deluding" themselves?

I think it is, but my opinion doesn't matter as much as theirs because theirs is the "normal" one and mine isn't.

Live your life the way you want. Anybody who isn't already sleeping in your bed doesn't get to tell you what (or who) you ought to be doing.

Logically I know that, but I've always felt like that "rule" (guideline? whatever you want to call it) only applies to other people and not me.

Or at least these things are what I've always thought, but it sounds like I really need to start placing more importance on my own opinions and less on other people's. That's not easy for me but I guess I just need to try harder at it.

Thank you.

I find that disdain for my employers (in a job I dislike) works peachy, so there might be something to that.

This really is one of those "fake it til you make it" situations. All you really can do, especially if you're not comfortable confronting people, is just walk away and keep telling yourself that their opinion doesn't matter. You live the life you want and if anyone has a problem with it it's their problem not yours. Eventually, you'll start to believe it.

OP

I've tried that before, telling myself that their opinions don't matter and only mine does, and then I think "What the fuck am I thinking? My opinion isn't more important than theirs, that's a really arrogant way of thinking" and then go back to feeling bad about myself.

I guess I just need to try harder.

To you, about things that directly relate to you, you're opinion IS more important than theirs, though. And for them, on issues relating to them, their opinion is more important.

It's that way for everybody, and the idea that it isn't is a perversion on what it means to be equal.

OP

Hmmm. I've actually never thought about it that way, but that's a really good point. Thank you!

You don't need to make an excuse to anyone. If someone is nosy, you can just say "Oh I'm not interested right now" (they don't need to know that you may never want one, its your life)

If you want to lose weight, lose it for you, to make yourself happy. Don't think about "oh god people will expect me to date now" think about the things you DO want from losing weight to encourage yourself, whatever that may be.

OP

With my family I feel like eventually "not right now" isn't going to work, and I don't know what to do at that point. Maybe I need to worry about that once it happens, though.

That's what I keep trying to tell myself, but honestly, I'm not sure WHY I really want to, other than that being thin is more socially acceptable. I feel like so many people use being able to get a significant other or sex as their main motivation for losing weight and since that's not mine, I don't know why I want to, honestly, other than that being thin is just "better" and it would be kind of cool to wear a smaller clothing size. Of course, being healthier is a big part of it, but technically I'm only a little overweight now and according to my doctor it's not enough to cause health problems so I'm kind of like...what's the point?

The whole situation is just really bothering me and I don't know what to do about it. :(

Yep, been there, still there to some extent. I'm ace and feel very uncomfortable with sexual gazes directed at me. I'm actually more comfortable being not extremely attractive. (I don't think I was EVER extremely attractive, but when I was quite thin / conventional looking, I got a lot of attention that made me very uncomfortable and sometimes a little scared.) I want to lose weight now, but just enough so that I'm comfortable. I don't want to fit the conventional attraction mode again if I can help it. And I don't want to go for tattoos or something, either, I just want to be at a comfortable (for me) weight, not wear makeup, and not have people staring at my body. -_-

OP

Yeah, I'm definitely uncomfortable with it, too. I'm not really that overweight at this point, but I've been told I "give off vibes" that I'm not interested which I'm fine with, and hopefully if I get to where I want to be, I can keep those vibes. I'm just really not looking forward to the constant harrassment from family about why I don't have a boyfriend, and since I've been telling them that I would get one once I lost the weight I wanted to, I know that it'll be nonstop once I get there.

And like I said in another comment, I'm having a hard time finding a reason to lose weight other than it's just "better" to be thinner because that's what I've been told my whole life.

It's just a confusing, frustrating situation.

OK, me again, but if you're not really overweight, why not stop trying to lose more weight? If you're comfortable physically just maintain. That can be hard enough for many people. :) It's just a thought.

Is there anyone in your family you can talk to without having it twisted around or used against you as a weapon? You might find one ally even if you don't come out to them, just saying you're not interested, don't feel you need someone else to be happy right now...or maybe ever.

It might ease your mind a little to test the waters. It went better than I expected talking to my mom about it, and she understood completely even though the terms aren't really there for her.

OP

I am a little, but not that much. Physically it doesn't really bother me...my doctor's said I'm not overweight enough for it to matter healthwise, I have no problems doing physical things, etc. It's just a mental thing that I want to lose weight, because smaller is better, or at least that's what's been drilled into my head my whole life. I guess maybe I need to do some soul searching and figure out if losing weight is something I really want, or if it's yet another thing I want because I feel like it's what other people expect of me.

Not really. I kind of sort of talked to my mom about it a few years ago (though I never used the word asexual, just said that I don't like sex and am not interested in it or relationships) and she was pretty dismissive and said I obviously hadn't had sex with anyone who was any good at it and once I did I would agree with her that it was the greatest thing in the world. My dad I'm not really comfortable discussing sexual things with, though I think he'd probably be more understanding since he's more open minded in general than she is. Maybe someday.

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