fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3812 ]

[ SECRET POST #3812 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3812 ⌋

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There was a girl in college who I started a friendship with and it was going really well, and then she messaged me and called me by a pet name and I got defensive and she got counter-defensive and just said "well I don't want to be friends with you"

no real loss tbh, people using nicknames for me without permission, especially people I don't know well, creep me out

Heh, sounds kind of like a RL version of what I mentioned below. Extreme anger for no apparent reason, then abrupt ending of friendship.

Maybe some of it's the "people are crazier online" thing. Since in person she probably would've just shrugged.

I probably overreacted to her, but I guess I don't feel really bad about it - it's a boundary thing that's important to me. I'd rather things blow up sooner than later.

She was probably embarrassed, took it personally and wasn't a big enough person to back off. That's sad, but honestly, you're probably better off without her.

No offense but I'd think it was pretty weird if someone got defensive just because someone used a nickname for them. I'm not a big nicknamer, but a lot of my friends have started calling me nicknames without asking and I took it as their way of showing they feel comfortable enough with me to do it. It's not really normal to consider that creepy, so you can't just expect people to know you feel that way about it.

at the same time I feel very strongly about it, and I think people willing to do it without permission are willing to cross boundaries in other ways too. I also grew up being taught (if indirectly) that it's nice to ask other people what they want to be called. I never really saw that "giving nicknames without permission" thing go down.

It was also a shortening of my name that I really, really, REALLY hate (and it's not a common one - my name is kind of uncommon and isn't really ever shortened) and it sounds cutesy. :|

Edited 2017-06-11 21:06 (UTC)

I've never come across that before. My experience has been that when people give me a nickname it's generally because they like me, not an offensive thing. Likewise, if I object to the nickname and tell them calmly then I've never met anyone who was dick enough to call me something I expressly asked them not to.

On the other hand, if someone blew up at me just because I called them something meant as a way of showing affection then I would definitely think they were a dick and probably unstable. If that was what happened with your friend then I'm not surprised she took it badly. I appreciate you were both coming from different positions on this but it does seem like an overreaction to something that doesn't sound as if it was intended to be offensive.

I'm raising my eyebrows a bit at "blew up" and "unstable", since those weren't part of the story, but okay.

Anyway - I mean, I guess that's part of my boundary - if I've only known you for a couple of months, and I don't know you well (we weren't close and had only hung out a couple times outside class), I don't want you to be "affectionate" with me. That, to me, is really weird.

I've known a number of people who have trouble with boundaries in various ways - the nickname thing is one, but there are people who just act overly familiar with you almost right off the bat, give loads of unsolicited advice, call you "dear" (and I don't mean in a southern dialect kind of way), etc. I do not like those people and the times I've tried to be friends with them haven't ended well. I don't think that means they're bad people, but they aren't really platonically compatible with me.

Edited 2017-06-12 00:56 (UTC)

I think people willing to do it without permission are willing to cross boundaries in other ways too.

I have literally never had anyone ask permission before giving me a nickname. I've had some people ask what I want to be called, but asking permission for a nickname is definitely not the norm.

You can have your beliefs of course, but I think you should be aware that you could be the odd one out so to speak, and expecting people to understand your reasoning and stance without explanation might be unreasonable, as well as immediately judging them for not having the same belief as you.

idk maybe it's regional? cultural? I'm not used to nicknames just being randomly assigned, especially not by people you don't know well.

I don't know where you think judging came into it, though.

1) Just because you're cool with it doesn't mean everyone else has to be, too.

2) diet_poison's friend might not have known beforehand, but when she found out, that was her chance to ease off and apologize for inadvertently creeping out her new friend. Instead, she doubled down and decided THAT was the dealbreaker. It's really, really obvious that diet_poison isn't the unreasonable person here.

Yeah, sorry, deciding that someone who's going to flip the fuck out over a friend giving them a nickname is too much drama to bother with isn't unreasonable.

"Got defensive" =/= "flip the fuck out" so okay

"I don't want to be friends with you over this disagreement" is way more dramatic to me so again, no real loss to me

If someone who was a new-ish friend of mine got defensive with me because I'd given them a nickname, I doubt I'd stop being friends with them, but I'd probably settle my aim on being not overly close friends. (And I'm not even someone who gives nicknames!)

Yeah, to be honest I would probably apologize (I've been taught to de-escalate as a first line of defense in most situations) but then quietly file this person under "takes some things waaaay too seriously" in my head, and that would likely color all my interactions with them from there on out.

It's totally fine to tell people not to call you things you don't like, but there are probably cooler ways to go about that, especially in a new relationship with ambiguous boundaries.

DA, and I totally agree. People have given me tons of nicknames in my life, and even when I didn't particularly like the nickname I always recognized that it was a way of showing they were comfortable with me and liked me. It's definitely not a standard reaction to think it's creepy, and it feels like an overreaction to read anything negative into it.

I've had to tell one friend a couple times to stop calling me cutesy nicknames. Luckily he actually listened.

Going to buck the trend, I totally agree with you. Especially early in a friendship but even at any point you're going to accidentally press buttons and if you can't handle some kickback about that like an adult, you're not ready for a real friendship.

If you think Apple products are kind of overpriced and stupid, and they don't like people teasing/criticising Apple products, is it worth breaking up a friendship over? Or do you just go "I don't mock Apple's iShit in front of my friend"? Because option 3 "I mock it and my friend shuts up and takes it and is miserable while I'm happy." Is not a healthy relationship.

haha, I'd like to steal "iShit"

And while that reason seems a lot weirder to me, I'll agree - that's really not a big deal, nor a significant price to pay for an otherwise good friendship.

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[ SECRET POST #3812 ]

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