fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3940 ]

[ SECRET POST #3940 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3940 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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A Y R T

You are putting words in my mouth. Don't do that. It makes you look foolish. I never said you aren't valid or that your thoughts don't matter. It's possible to state something with tact instead of insulting it because it didn't grant you any comfort.

You were hurt. That is awful. Suffering is awful. Placing your suffering onto others by calling their kindness "shit" doesn't make it any easier for anyone. Do you care about anything beyond how miserable you are? Your response indicates you don't, so prove me wrong.

Talk about what caused your suffering. Break it out of the dark. The shame of what happened to you should go towards the one who caused you that shame, and the author of the message is not that person. Perhaps the cause of that shame is a chemical imbalance in your brain related to depression. This is not a request for you to spill your life story here unless you choose to. Talk about it where you feel safe to.

You are not alone, but you do not have to make others feel alone because you feel alone. That isn't going to solve your problems. Someone else's kind words didn't help either. Unfortunate, but not an excuse for unnecessary cruelty.

Now I will "fuck off" as the anon above you so rudely stated. I am just an eighty old man who is watching the world go by. Good luck to you all. I hope I haven't wasted my time offering food for thought.

Oh, but I have done those things and wasn’t the anon who called it shit. I’m just saying for something us who deal with suicidal thoughts, blanket statements like that and general niceties can be detrimental to our situations since it overlooks the actual problem in favor of that make the speaker feel like they’re doing good. I realize it’s difficult to deal with the chronically depressed, but also realize where this backlash is coming from. And giving advice that I’ve already done and continue to do comes off as patronizing.

I am the anon who called it a crock of shit and yep, pretty much this. These posts are, to me, all about the poster's own feelings. They also tend to come from the type of people who miraculously disappear when someone actually needs them in RL.

After my initial hostile reaction though I saw the OP comment above and so replied to that. I am genuinely glad it helps them. And I regret posting my initial reaction on their thread and making it about my anger instead of the fact that OP found something to help them with their depression.

'Do you care about anything beyond how miserable you are? Your response indicates you don't, so prove me wrong.'

WOW RUDE

I mean like if people are being sort of 'uh yeah so I'm depressed and miserable and stuff' like you know what doesn't help? going WOW, HOW DARE YOU NOT TAKE MY CONDESCENDING PITY, I guess you're a SELFISH SELF ABSORBED KID ON TOP OF THAT'

r u d e, man.

I don't 100% agree with AYRT, but your response was unnecessarily aggressive and hostile. You genuinely are coming across as someone who is determined to see the worst in everything, and who is lashing out.

That was the first time I commented in this thread lol

And I mean honestly, 'here's someone who's depressed and upset and lashing out' if people who were being like all U R LOVED AND VALUED AND STUFF actually meant that, those are exactly the sorts of people they should be reaching out to. How exactly does telling people that they're hostile help? How does talking down to people who don't think they deserve help or actually want it make them somehow see things differently? This entire thread and its responses is the best example of why these generalized feel-good-nonsense doesn't work.

Stop telling people to be grateful for platitudes they didn't ask for in the first place, and actually maybe try showing some empathy for a change.

NAYRT

I don't think there is a level of aggression and hostility that is "unnecessary" after someone asks someone else, "Do you care about anything beyond how miserable you are?"

The escalation happened right about there.

anon that was being replied to - yeah, that's about it. Like wow lol the change in tone from 'you are loved and valued' to 'you're SELFISH AND HOSTILE AND DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE U TERRIBLE PERSON' is vaguely funny.

I'm not sure if OP or other repliers get it but, generally for people who are depressed, many tend to view themselves as depressing useless wastes of spaces that don't really deserve anything and would make everyone's lives better if they just sort of didn't exist. As a result of that, it's not uncommon to lash out or be hostile.

When that kind of behavior is met with people going all 'gosh well I guess NOT YOU, you're an asshole who deserves to be depressed due to your own selfish nature' then it kind of... just reinforces that self image, pretty much.

Like the funny thing is I'm not even generally against affirming messages. But they have to be meaningful, and also followed with genuine action and empathy. Not 'if you didn't appreciate it then you're a mean selfish prick', because that doesn't just undo the initial sentiments but makes the whole situation even more miserable for all involved parties.

Is it "kindness" to tell someone you don't know that you love them and they matter in some shape and form you can't describe? I don't know that it's so. It's a nice and meaningful sentiment to some, of course. It's an attempt at kindness, I'll grant. But when you cast your net of LOVE out to everybody at once, it becomes so generic that it becomes trite and meaningless to most and it's hard to blame them for it.

At best, it's a nice reminder to someone that can use the reminder that they supposedly matter.

At worst, it's a reminder that even to the people who purportedly care, they don't matter enough to be more than one of millions of To Whom It May Concern in a world-wide net, and strangers saying that you are theoretically loved have no idea who you are, and honestly, let's face it, don't know you at all to care about you for real. +1 to the pile of people who say they care but don't, really, not about you personally.

Do you think that's worth the trade-off? It appears most people think yes. But then they appear surprised that the negative side exists, and lots insist that good intentions should mean people are wrong to react negatively without understanding why they do.

I do think it's "rudeness" to be angry and offended at people who don't accept a total stranger's anonymous, random, no-knowledge-of-the-situation "I LOVE YOU" with enough gratitude for your tastes, and assume the only reason someone would roll their eyes at this is because they have a chemical imbalance in their brain, however.

Look, this thing we're all talking about wouldn't really do much for me either. But it's honestly like you're responding to a comment you've imagined in your head and not to what AYRT actually said.

I do think it's "rudeness" to be angry and offended at people who don't accept a total stranger's anonymous, random, no-knowledge-of-the-situation "I LOVE YOU" with enough gratitude for your tastes

Nowhere in AYRT's comment do they say, "If you're not grateful I'm angry and offended!" What they said was, and I quote, "Calling it condescending shit because it didn't help you is unnecessary and cruel." I've got to agree with that; I think most people would. They didn't have a problem with the fact that some people were saying it wouldn't work for them. Their issue was with the people were choosing to shit on this person's harmless (if ineffective for some) attempt to help those who were suffering the same horrible thing they suffered.

That's my point, though. I think they're perfectly in their rights to be cruel and react emotionally to something that hurt them by reminding them that lots of people who claim to care, don't really. As I mentioned, this is one of the unintentional effects of writing a screed like this and it's unrealistic to ignore that part.

Messages like these can help people. Messages like these can hurt people too, by adding to the ever growing library of rote, trite messages of support from people who aren't really offering support other than "good thoughts." It's not the intention but it happens. When it happens, I can't blame them for being cruel in return to something that hurt them. To say "such a negative reaction is unnecessary" is denying the negative impact these messages can cause or saying they don't matter.

Which puts across the exact opposite message of what they want to say.

>Calling it condescending shit because it didn't help you is unnecessary and cruel

Yeah uh like, this is basically going 'hey person who's hurting and suffering and not feeling good about themselves, do you know what you are for not being grateful for my platitudes? UNNECESSARY AND CRUEL, that's what'.

Like, I get it! This was not the intention. The original poster may have been hurt by the response. But what you do here if you actually mean it, is reach out and try to see why people feel that way and have a bit of consideration for them, not lash out in turn and basically undo any goodwill that might've originally been there in the first place.

Platitudes aren't actually harmless. This entire thread kinda proves that.

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[ SECRET POST #3940 ]

Re: SMH at rude people.

Re: SMH at rude people.

I hope OP reads this

Re: SMH at rude people.

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Re: SMH at rude people.

Re: SMH at rude people.

Re: SMH at rude people.

Re: SMH at rude people.

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Re: SMH at rude people.