fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4396 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4396 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Orwell: Ignorance is Strength]

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03.

[Russell Howard, "Recalibrate"]

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04.

[D. L. Hughley, Jimmy Carr and Katherine Ryan on The Fix on Netflix]

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05.

[A Star is Born]

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06.

[John Malkovich as Hercule Poirot in The ABC Murders]

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07.

[Andrew Knowlton, restaurant editor for Bon Appétit magazine and host on The Final Table]

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08.

[Exo/Cross Fire - Fonda Lee]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 08 secrets from Secret Submission Post #629.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Okay, but let's not pretend that isn't a thing that a lot of women actually do. I don't know whether it's because women are raised to avoid conflict or what but I'm a woman myself and I can't tell you how many times I've gotten annoyed at other women I know because they won't use their words. And it's not just in things like arguments, it's stuff like not saying "no, I don't really feel like going out for dinner today, let's do it next week" and agreeing to go anyway and then being grumpy and unpleasant the whole time because they didn't actually want to go.

To be honest, I would probably laugh at a joke like that just because I've experienced it myself so many times.

I haven't seen the stand up, but the way the joke is explained in the secret doesn't sound like your example at all. It says "refusing to tell their boyfriends what the problem was because they ought to know it without being told" which has nothing to do with keeping quiet to avoid conflict. In fact, it's usually a tactic used to generate more drama and attention.

Then you'll probably find a lot of stand up from the 90s and earlier to be hilarious, because many, many male comedians make very similar jokes about women and their hilarious feminine disinclination to spell it out for men exactly what they did wrong.

And it's not just in things like arguments, it's stuff like not saying "no, I don't really feel like going out for dinner today, let's do it next week" and agreeing to go anyway and then being grumpy and unpleasant the whole time because they didn't actually want to go.

I end up doing this because I was raised to be "polite" and keep my mouth shut to avoid being seen as "rude". Even now, I'm kind of afraid to stand up to my mom because unless I word something exactly right (with tons of effusive praise and compliments inserted in between whatever I'm actually trying to say, and I'm just not always up for that bullshit) she has a meltdown about how I'm ungrateful and don't appreciate her and why does she even bother trying to do anything nice etc. It's easier to just go along with stuff sometimes and there are times when you don't succeed at pretending you're happy to be there no matter how hard you try.

Are you me? My mum does this too. I'm starting to think she might have narcissistic personality disorder.

Same, non. My mother is the exact same way. Growing up she would ask me my opinion on something or if I wanted this or that but my answer was always "wrong" -- no matter what I said, it would set her off to varying degrees (sometimes lots of passive aggressive comments, sometimes outright screaming) and I just learned to never express my actual preferences for anything and instead just go with whatever I thought the other person wanted no matter how I felt about it.

It's an INCREDIBLY hard habit to break even into adulthood. I've been in relationships where the other person just didn't get why I looked at basic questions like "where do you want to eat" like they're a minefield and they'd get annoyed if I kept saying "oh, lets do whatever you want."

Stating what you want plainly is not easy when you've got years of being shot down and dragged into stressful arguments for doing exactly that.

NAYRT, but oh boy do I relate to this. As an adult, I now understand that a lot of how my mom is comes from her being raised in an very abusive home, but as a child it was very hard to deal with how anything whatsoever could set off the guilt trips and “why do you hate me” and so forth and so forth. And yeah, now, I have a hard time expressing a preference for anything, because I’m always afraid of upsetting or disappointing someone, even when I know my tendency to say “whatever you want” really aggravates people.

This really sounds like Narcisstic Personality Disorder and how it manifests in women. Google for the site "You're not Crazy, it's your mother." It is a really helpful resource. (There is a book of the same name.)

Honestly? That makes it worse in my view, because there's a logical reason behind why so many women do that - avoiding conflict, swallowing down their resentment and emotions lest someone (usually a man) finds it distasteful or unfeminine. It suggests that women aren't doing that because they're childish or bitchy, and therefore joking about it as if those are the reasons (as opposed to culture and society shaping expectations of women) is extra crappy and unfair.

Also, like

95% of people probably could improve their lives and relationships by communicating more

but I think there is a certain point of like. sheer inconsiderate thoughtlessness where it's legit to be mad at someone for not realizing that you're pissed because you already asked them to do something 5 times and they blew it off, or whatever. and while not explaining it isn't productive....being the person having to do the emotional labor of explaining to your partner that they have to take equal initiative in building your lives and that girlfriend is not a mommy who takes care of everything...also doesn't solve the problem.

and a lot of dudes are thoughtless as fuck because they were raised entitled and expect women to pick up after them and do all the logistical legwork. and it kind of sucks. and I don't blame women who have less-than-ideal responses to it when they're at the end of their rope.

+100

The inconsiderate thoughtlessness comment is spot on. When someone tramples your known boundaries or is just flagrantly rude to you, sometimes you need a little time to just be angry. You're not ready to communicate toward a solution, you're not interested in patiently spelling out the problem so someone who is less socially/emotionally developed can understand where they went off track. But life goes on! You still have to obligations, still live with that person, still have to interact!

People need to give folks the time to just BE ANGRY and then calm down before they expect a rational, non-emotional response.

There’s also the risk of seeming like a nag for getting upset more than once about your partner doing/not doing something.

I honestly think the “not telling” thing is more women trying to avoid conflict, either because they feel like their concerns are not as valuable as things that concern her partner or that she is afraid of how her partner will react (shouting, violence).

It’s pretty sad that men still can’t see female socialisation.

I've seen this as well, and it irritates me.

And for those that are saying this behavior is to 'avoid conflict,' no, not necessarily. A group of girl friends I have was talking about this very subject, and most of them said they insisted that their husband be more sensitive to their moods and trying to figure out why they're in a mood.

My hubby is an Aspie. We agreed to a system of 'If you didn't ask for it, you can't complain you didn't get it.' And yes, I've gotten to use that on him, too. ;)

Yeah, I feel like you have no right to complain that someone should know why you're mad but doesn't if you never actually told them why. It's obnoxious. People aren't mind readers, if you're upset you need to tell them. It's amazing just how much smoother and easier that makes things.

An example from the other day:

Me: Hey, I'm free tonight, do you wanna do [Thing]?
Friend: Sorry, I'm kind of in a lousy mood and I don't really feel like doing anything right now.
Me: That's fine, we can do it later when you're feeling up to it!

So now I know not to bother her about it and she knows that she can come to me when she feels like she wants to do it. Simple, painless, and everyone is happy.

[ SECRET POST #4396 ]

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