[ SECRET POST #4396 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4396 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.



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02.
[Orwell: Ignorance is Strength]


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03.
[Russell Howard, "Recalibrate"]


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04.
[D. L. Hughley, Jimmy Carr and Katherine Ryan on The Fix on Netflix]


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05.
[A Star is Born]


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06.
[John Malkovich as Hercule Poirot in The ABC Murders]


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07.
[Andrew Knowlton, restaurant editor for Bon Appétit magazine and host on The Final Table]


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08.
[Exo/Cross Fire - Fonda Lee]








Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 08 secrets from Secret Submission Post #629.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

03. https://i.imgur.com/HMFgH8Q.png
[Russell Howard, "Recalibrate"]

[(Anonymous)]

It was disappointing. Howard's usually funnier than this.

[ayebydan]

Howard has always been this way and as time passes he seems more and more backwards. IT sucks cause I've seen him live twice and adore him.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know... I haven't seen all his stand up, but I've watched his show and it actually seems to me like he makes an effort NOT to be a dick and make jokes about women, minorities, etc. That seems to be a key part of his act, actually. That's why such a tired and lame sexist joke took me by surprise.

[(Anonymous)]

OT but does anyone know what font this is?

OP here

[(Anonymous)]

It's called "Veggieburger".

https://www.fontsquirrel.com/fonts/veggieburger

Re: OP here

[(Anonymous)]

ayrt

Thank you!

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, but let's not pretend that isn't a thing that a lot of women actually do. I don't know whether it's because women are raised to avoid conflict or what but I'm a woman myself and I can't tell you how many times I've gotten annoyed at other women I know because they won't use their words. And it's not just in things like arguments, it's stuff like not saying "no, I don't really feel like going out for dinner today, let's do it next week" and agreeing to go anyway and then being grumpy and unpleasant the whole time because they didn't actually want to go.

To be honest, I would probably laugh at a joke like that just because I've experienced it myself so many times.

[(Anonymous)]

I haven't seen the stand up, but the way the joke is explained in the secret doesn't sound like your example at all. It says "refusing to tell their boyfriends what the problem was because they ought to know it without being told" which has nothing to do with keeping quiet to avoid conflict. In fact, it's usually a tactic used to generate more drama and attention.

[(Anonymous)]

Then you'll probably find a lot of stand up from the 90s and earlier to be hilarious, because many, many male comedians make very similar jokes about women and their hilarious feminine disinclination to spell it out for men exactly what they did wrong.

[(Anonymous)]

And it's not just in things like arguments, it's stuff like not saying "no, I don't really feel like going out for dinner today, let's do it next week" and agreeing to go anyway and then being grumpy and unpleasant the whole time because they didn't actually want to go.

I end up doing this because I was raised to be "polite" and keep my mouth shut to avoid being seen as "rude". Even now, I'm kind of afraid to stand up to my mom because unless I word something exactly right (with tons of effusive praise and compliments inserted in between whatever I'm actually trying to say, and I'm just not always up for that bullshit) she has a meltdown about how I'm ungrateful and don't appreciate her and why does she even bother trying to do anything nice etc. It's easier to just go along with stuff sometimes and there are times when you don't succeed at pretending you're happy to be there no matter how hard you try.

[(Anonymous)]

Are you me? My mum does this too. I'm starting to think she might have narcissistic personality disorder.

[(Anonymous)]

Same, non. My mother is the exact same way. Growing up she would ask me my opinion on something or if I wanted this or that but my answer was always "wrong" -- no matter what I said, it would set her off to varying degrees (sometimes lots of passive aggressive comments, sometimes outright screaming) and I just learned to never express my actual preferences for anything and instead just go with whatever I thought the other person wanted no matter how I felt about it.

It's an INCREDIBLY hard habit to break even into adulthood. I've been in relationships where the other person just didn't get why I looked at basic questions like "where do you want to eat" like they're a minefield and they'd get annoyed if I kept saying "oh, lets do whatever you want."

Stating what you want plainly is not easy when you've got years of being shot down and dragged into stressful arguments for doing exactly that.

[(Anonymous)]

This really sounds like Narcisstic Personality Disorder and how it manifests in women. Google for the site "You're not Crazy, it's your mother." It is a really helpful resource. (There is a book of the same name.)

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly? That makes it worse in my view, because there's a logical reason behind why so many women do that - avoiding conflict, swallowing down their resentment and emotions lest someone (usually a man) finds it distasteful or unfeminine. It suggests that women aren't doing that because they're childish or bitchy, and therefore joking about it as if those are the reasons (as opposed to culture and society shaping expectations of women) is extra crappy and unfair.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

Also, like

95% of people probably could improve their lives and relationships by communicating more

but I think there is a certain point of like. sheer inconsiderate thoughtlessness where it's legit to be mad at someone for not realizing that you're pissed because you already asked them to do something 5 times and they blew it off, or whatever. and while not explaining it isn't productive....being the person having to do the emotional labor of explaining to your partner that they have to take equal initiative in building your lives and that girlfriend is not a mommy who takes care of everything...also doesn't solve the problem.

and a lot of dudes are thoughtless as fuck because they were raised entitled and expect women to pick up after them and do all the logistical legwork. and it kind of sucks. and I don't blame women who have less-than-ideal responses to it when they're at the end of their rope.

[(Anonymous)]

I've seen this as well, and it irritates me.

And for those that are saying this behavior is to 'avoid conflict,' no, not necessarily. A group of girl friends I have was talking about this very subject, and most of them said they insisted that their husband be more sensitive to their moods and trying to figure out why they're in a mood.

My hubby is an Aspie. We agreed to a system of 'If you didn't ask for it, you can't complain you didn't get it.' And yes, I've gotten to use that on him, too. ;)

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I feel like you have no right to complain that someone should know why you're mad but doesn't if you never actually told them why. It's obnoxious. People aren't mind readers, if you're upset you need to tell them. It's amazing just how much smoother and easier that makes things.

An example from the other day:

Me: Hey, I'm free tonight, do you wanna do [Thing]?
Friend: Sorry, I'm kind of in a lousy mood and I don't really feel like doing anything right now.
Me: That's fine, we can do it later when you're feeling up to it!

So now I know not to bother her about it and she knows that she can come to me when she feels like she wants to do it. Simple, painless, and everyone is happy.

[(Anonymous)]

All comedians - male and female- should just stop with the caveman "women/men do this thing, ain't they dumb" routines. Its been done to death, clumsily resurrected and done to death again.

[thewakokid]

I thought it was funny.

Also 100% a thing women still do, so...

The "Why" of it is interesting, tho. Explanation my GF has is that since women aren't physically capable of beating men most of the time, and when a woman IS physically capable of it men play the victim, (Both somewhat true IMO, but I reject the concept that complaining about violence in a relationship is "Playing the victim", but that's a different argument altogether) then the only way a woman can make her displeasure really felt is with emotional discomfort. Basically it's a deliberate attempt to invoke Kafka: "You've done something to displease me, you will be punished for it, but you can't know what it is because that would make it easier to deal with it"

So yeah, it still happens pretty frequently, men still find it to be a common and unpleasant experience, so there's still comedy in it.

And to head off any accusations of sexism: Yes, men have been known to do this too, It is not exclusively a female thing. But it DOES seem to be more commonly a female thing for the reasons explained above.

[thewakokid]

Oh, for the record, I do not believe as my GF does that the reason men resort to this tactic less than women is because "If she displeases me I'll just beat her" is the male version. I believe men resort to violence slightly more than woman, so maybe it is part of it, but in general no, I don't think it's the typical male reaction.

If there's any merit in the idea as a whole I would say that men with increased strength think "I'm so much stronger than her physically. I have a responsibility to let this go and not escalate it." and that is the only significant connection between increased male physical strength and NOT employing this tactic to make their SO suffer.

[(Anonymous)]

I mean, that might be the case for some people, but I don't think everyone who refuses to express their feelings or opinions is doing it to punish the person asking.

At least for me, I don't always want to express my thoughts because I'm afraid that I'll say the wrong thing and the person asking will either get mad/guilt me, or belittle and mock me. It's happened to me often enough that telling people what I think just isn't worth it unless it's really important.

[(Anonymous)]

I thought it was funny *shrugs
Idk, I am so over these kind of non-issues. Sometimes a comedian makes a joke you don't find funny. So what? I rarely find an entire show funny. Some jokes land, some don't. Bit silly to drag in feminism to make your dislike more valid.

Women do act like that. Shit, I told my husband almost those exact words yesterday. And no, he had no idea what he did wrong.

[(Anonymous)]

You act like it. You are not all women. Some of us have more sense. And we don't need to "drag feminism" into anything, it's right there all the time. But we get it, you're not one of "those" women. Congrats, but the patriarchy still hates you.

[cloudtrader]

I enjoy him in panel shows and on Good News, but his regular stand-up is not for me for just this reason.