fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5336 ]

[ SECRET POST #5336 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5336 ⌋

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How do you cope with feeling envious/jealous of others when you see someone get recognition you wished you received?

How do you cope with someone telling you they're envious of you? Has this happened? Please tell me the story.

1. I don't. I just try to avoid the person as much as I can, and I am forever envious in silence. Online, it means that I block a lot of people, because I'm bitter and petty and it hurts too much to see others have the recognition, attention, etc I wish I received.

2. This has never happened and probably never will. See above, I'm a petty, bitter and sad person-who in their right mind would ever envy me?

1) Depends on the person. If it's someone who I know deserves the recognition, I try to remind myself why they deserve it and that usually helps. But if it's someone who I feel doesn't deserve it, I just try to squash all the negative feelings down and vent my frustrations by blasting really loud, angry music (in private obviously).

2) I had a friend tell me she was envious of me because she thought I was so creative and she wished she could be like that. It made me sad to hear that because she's great at embroidery and everything she makes is beautiful while all I do is write self-indulgent fanfiction. I think I just tried telling her in a million different ways that she's the creative one and not me.

1. If you can consider telling myself that I'm trash and the other person is much more talented etc. than I am and I should really just never try, coping...

2. Only time I can think of it happening is people envying the fact that I'm skinny - and considering that I've literally been underweight my whole life because of chronic illness that makes eating miserable, and the person telling me this is usually someone at a perfectly normal healthy weight... I don't cope so much as despair for young women in society if they want to be like me.

1) I'm numb to everything at this point in my life - probably not a good way to cope but that's how I've handled it for the past 10 years.

2) The only thing anyone has ever 'envied' about me was my drawing skills, and I just said its not that hard/practice a lot can help/other drawing-better advice. Otherwise someone would have to be in a severely sorry state to envy me.

1.) I don't really feel envious of people who've earned what they get, like if a good writer becomes a bnf in one of my fandoms, well, they're good. I save my resentment for people who are rich or have opportunities in my field/other fields because of their parents.

2.) I don't think anybody's envious of me, but I think I would feel uncomfortable about that.

When I Envy Others: It can really set off my insecurities. I've been working really hard on recognizing and forcing myself to admit that what I feel is envy/jealousy. I literally have to mentally have a conversation with myself to get over the bitterness. What I feel is about my insecurities. I can allow myself to feel good for the other person (if I feel they deserve it, and most times they do since they're my friends and relatives and people I like; if they're someone I don't know or don't like most times I can't work up to that but I do have to force myself to think "IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM IT'S ABOUT YOU FEELING INSECURE"), and then I tell myself, "Stop comparing yourself to others! Others' successes aren't your failures! If other people think this fuck them! You live your life for you, stop worrying what others think." And then I usually follow up with doing something that will distract my mind and/or lift my mood. Just doing something else will force me to keep go forward. I can't sit around in my bitterness, I can only do that for so long (and sometimes it takes me a long time to slog through that).

Receiving: Um...I try not to remember them. People can become petty and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have to start setting up boundaries. Like, I had a friend who I thought I could talk to about anything but then I got this weird vibe from her and it turns out a guy she liked harbored a crush on me. I couldn't talk to her about my dating life anymore and when she'd want to talk and it'd go towards her dating life I'd have to tell her, "Hey, uh, I gotta go." And then we stopped being friends. Like...I don't know why my dating life is different from hers? Just because a guy liked me I can't get insecure about my dating life and my looks? I have to hide my insecurities to coddle you? OK...

TL;DR we need to stop projecting our insecurities onto others; you have a problem, deal with it your ways, don't take it out on the wrong parties

I stew in it for a bit and then try to get on with my life. In the last decade or so I think I've gotten better at being happy for people who earn or are given things I wish I had even if I don't stop envying them, instead of just circling around the envy like water going down a drain.

... I dunno that anyone's ever said they're envious of me, or acted like it?

I mean, if they were envious of something I'd done rather than something that came my way from luck, I know it didn't help when I was stewing to have someone say "if you put the effort in you can do the same," because even now, just getting up in the morning and keeping myself clothed and fed and going to work often feels like it takes more effort than it takes elite mountaineers to climb Everest.

I, uh, still envy people who have effort to spare after doing all the everyday things that are required for staying alive. But it's not like they're doing it to spite me.

I tell myself that it doesn't matter because everyone has their moment of recognition. Or that I don't need that validation, I just want it.

1. I have gotten to the place where I can just be happy for them. If they haven't earned it I'm a little pissy about it but mostly ambivalent. Their success doesn't mean anything negative about me.

2. I'm always taken off guard by it. It's been for random things like, I wish I could read a map as well as you can, so I always answer 'Thanks? You can learn to do this too?' It's nice to be appreciated for my skills, I just wish people wouldn't phrase it as a put-down to themselves.

1. Thanks goodness I've learned how to not harbor feelings of envy/jealousy except for extreme cases when someone triggers one of my deep insecurities, or just manages to be/have something I wish for but can't have. The people who actually make me jealous are fun, interesting, capable, have traveled a lot and done a lot of things, they are always onto something... in short, people who make me feel small and boring. As of today I just try to keep working on myself with what I got and do my best to ignore the rest.

2. No one has ever openly expressed envy to me. Can't really answer this one.

I am envious of my sister. She didn't inherit the family health crap and she's prettier than me. The fact that she's prettier means that she's hooked up with a guy who is successful and who has enàbled my otherwise work shy sister to be successful herself - by doing her assignments for her.

All of my family fawn over her - the pretty successful family member! Because they're all failures with delusions of grandeur who want some of her glory. (Most of them don't have a job and consider themselves artists who were too great for their time. They also think themselves too important and interesting to stoop to working menial or office jobs.)

Meanwhile, I've fought tooth and nail to make a life for myself. I have worked any job I can get. I've had my health destroy friendships, job opportunities, my life for long periods and still I've supported myself. But because I'm scarred and sick and work a boring job they think I'm a waste of space.

Ah sorry, that turned more into a rant hah.

The point I originally set out to make was that I hate being envious of her. I am trying to unpick that emotion. It's just hard.

I try to keep a balance between admitting when I'm jealous, and being happy for the person I'm jealous of anyways. That's if I feel they deserve it. If I don't feel that way, I'll try to be self-aware of my jealousy still. Even if I can't bring myself to feel happy for them.

It's not always easy. But being aware of my feelings as well as my shortcomings is one of the only things I can take some pride in being good at. Of course, that ability came from being an introvert for most of my life, and spending a lot of time in my head.

Also, being aware isn't the same as being happy with my feelings. But acknowledging is still a somewhat cathartic feeling to me.

As for your second question, I don't really have an answer. I don't really recall anyone being jealous of me that I know of as an adult. And as a kid, the closest I got to people being envious of me is shallow things like me having something they didn't. So I don't know how I would feel on any deep level if someone was jealous of me for some weird reason.

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[ SECRET POST #5336 ]

Envy/Jealousy

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