[ SECRET POST #6120 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6120 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 41 secrets from Secret Submission Post #875.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah how fucking date they try to connect with you through your shared interest instead of an empty platitude!

Seriously the gif was wildly inappropriate and insensitive but you left that part out of the secret. You said dancing, not celebrating. Not all dancing is celebrating, most dancing isn’t celebrating. Your feelings are valid regardless but you wrote a secret making someone else out to be an asshole without the key information necessary for everyone to know why they’re an asshole. So not everyone agreed with you.

[(Anonymous)]

Not OP

You did this to someone, didn't you? It's the only reason I can think of that you would be *this* vitriolic about it.

[(Anonymous)]

+1 Sounds like someone who did something insensitive and dumb in response to another person's grief and now they're upset that other people noticed.

[(Anonymous)]

The secret (as written) is “Someone made a heartfelt gesture with good intentions that I didn’t appreciate and I harbor so much resentment about it that I’ve let it spoil that fandom to the point I don’t like the canon anymore.” That honestly sounds like an asshole to me.
But knowing that the REAL story is “Someone posted something wildly inappropriate during a dark time for me and even when confronted they didn’t acknowledge the additional hurt they caused me” makes the fandom rando the asshole, not OP.

So yeah, context matters here. Which was the entire point of the comment that kicked off this thread. It sucks that that happened to OP but not everyone in the secret thread really got that because OP left out all the most important information.

[(Anonymous)]

You did do this to someone. Here, I'll try to help you know why that was a bad move and you shouldn't do it again.

Everyone grieves in different ways. You don't get to try to make them do what works for you, such as telling them that they should smile and find happy things, which is what this absolutely was. They are allowed not only to grieve but to grieve in the way that is necessary for them. I have a friend who messaged me literally just this morning that her grandfather died. I did not send anything to try to cheer her up because this is not like a small inconvenience. This is a death. I validated her emotions and asked if there was anything I could do. I didn't fucking send someone dancing as if celebrating her relative's death.

Maybe the person did send it with good intentions, but your intentions mean jack shit when it harms someone. You can have all the good intentions you like, but the person who is harmed by your good intentions has no obligation to take your feelings into account. Their reaction is their reaction, and if you cared about the person then you would do what you could to ACTUALLY help THEM, not what you assume should be helpful for them. Getting butthurt that they didn't take your statement or gif or whatever the way you intended means that you care more about being seen as an empathetic person or a good friend rather than being one.

[(Anonymous)]

OP: Oh anon, send to your friends some condolences. It must be quite hard.

[(Anonymous)]

I really don’t understand why you think I’ve done anything like this. It’s entirely possible for someone to recognize a clumsy good faith move without having done the thing themselves. But not for you, apparently. Try turning that projector off, pull your head out of your ass, and maybe little things wouldn’t be so harmful for you.

[(Anonymous)]

Serious question: what do you imagine that I’m defending? Because I’m not defending what happened and I’ve made that very clear. So whatever it is must be in your imagination.

The secret was missing vital information. OP augmented the secret in the comments and at least three distinct anons have said that information changed their view.

I’m trying to understand your leap to “You did this!”

[(Anonymous)]

My parents are dead. One of them died in front of me, while I literally felt her pulse fade. I hated, absolutely hated, the empty, pitying rounds of "sorry for your loss" that I was treated to. It did not make me feel any fucking better! It made me feel like I was being patted on the head and then sent on my way, because it's not like anyone actually wanted to hear about what I was feeling. You clearly would have joined in on that, but I wouldn't have decided that you were some sort of awful person for it, any more than I thought it of anyone else. I know they were uncomfortable, and they meant well, and were doing their best.

This thread is so maddening. It's everyone assuming that because they either experience or think they'll experience grief in the way that's socially acceptable in our culture, it's how everyone else is going to experience it. And then deciding that anyone who has learned to approach grief in a different way, possibly through direct experience, is somehow awful. But how many people have all of you inadvertently hurt, by assuming that following the script will give them what they need?

[(Anonymous)]

Where is it socially acceptable to react to the death in someone's family by sending a gif of celebratory dancing?

[(Anonymous)]

nayrt

Are you okay, anon?

You seem... awfully invested for someone not involved in the exchange.

[(Anonymous)]

OP: I can see the point and I do agree with you, but then again, I said that person didn't saw their mistake in realizing the post wasn't one to post a dancing gif in general, nor giving apologies or excuses. It would have been different in a post about a celebration or a happy news, not about someone's death.

[(Anonymous)]

da but they probably didn't "see their mistake" because they genuinely thought they were trying to be supportive...?

[(Anonymous)]

OP: I would have believed that if they at least told me "oh sorry, I wanted to be supportive". But as soon as I told them it was an inappropriate gif for the kind of post (and while the grief was still quite fresh), they didn't say nothing and tried to brush it off.

Humans can do mistakes, like I did for not posting the gif was the character celebrating. But at least an apology wouldn't have made me left a bitter taste and a horrible view on them.

[(Anonymous)]

Upthread Anon who said there’s a difference between dancing and celebrating.

That was really shitty of them :( From the secret it sounded like a genuine act on their part but a celebration gif is way off and then to brush it off when confronted?! Absolute shitstain of a person.

Maybe you can use this thread to help regain your comfort with the show. All the support for you plus you can connect happy times with your loved one with bits in the show. Either way, I am so sorry you went through that and hope you can find new enjoyment and comfort in it.

[(Anonymous)]

It's amazing the mental gymnastics you're performing to try and make this OP's fault. If you're sincere and not just trolling... your ability to read the room needs big time tweaking.

[(Anonymous)]

it's not op's fault but they're being unnecessarily vicious towards someone who was clearly trying to do something nice. if the person didn't care about wanting to try to make op feel better, they would just have scrolled past the post and not responded at all. it may not have been a helpful response but the fact that they took the time to make an effort should count for something.

[(Anonymous)]

point out the unnecessarily vicious part

go ahead

I'll wait

[(Anonymous)]

"They never saw their mistake, nor apologies for such comment without empathy"

[(Anonymous)]

MTE. This person clearly meant well or they wouldn't have said anything at all. It's strange to me that OP seems to think they ought to have gotten an apology, when it seems pretty clear that this person has no idea that their comment was not in fact received as the small grain of comfort they intended it to be.

[(Anonymous)]

Why is everyone here so fucking smug?

[(Anonymous)]

I'd say more defensive than smug, myself. Also, grief is not publicly discussed a lot (at least in Western cultures), so the ground rules for it are shaky at best.

[(Anonymous)]

Give me one example where a gif of someone dancing would be at all appropriate as a response.

Or, further, even if it WAS an emotionally-appropriate gif, not everyone wants their comfort show to be directly associated with a real life event. I would have had the same response as OP--don't make me have to think about the real grief when I'm trying to escape

[(Anonymous)]

I am the example. It would have been appropriate for me.

But I know, I know, you all think I'm some sort of leper for having hated the pitying script when I was grieving the most distressing loss of my life.

[(Anonymous)]

DA

I hate the pity script too, which is why I ask how I can help. I don't just assume and send a gif of someone dancing....