fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1998 ]

[ SECRET POST #1998 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1998 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Peter Gabriel]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

10. [SPOILERS for the Hunger Games]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [WARNING for abuse]

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12. [WARNING for rape]

[Hetalia]

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13. [WARNING for abuse]

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14. [WARNING for gore, animal abuse]
http://i.imgur.com/SjfD3.jpg
[images of actual dead animals and stuff.]

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15. [WARNING for rape]

[Video Games Awesome Live]

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16. [WARNING for abuse]

[Avatar: the Last Airbender]

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17. [WARNING for rape]

[American Horror Story]

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18. [WARNING for dub-con, grooming, brainwashing]

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19. [WARNING FOR general discussion of triggery topics (there's bound to be triggering material in the comments)]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #285.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 1 (warning for rape) - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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AYRT: Ugh, maybe it might get me street cred on the street, but here in academia with books and professors and laboratories, I have to try and pretend that I don't have a mood disorder so that I don't become disrespected (or worse, fired from my laboratory).

It's really quite disgusting the way bipolar is treated.

Also, event the people who think it is cool probably wouldn't know what to do if they were around for one of your mood episodes. They might not even know you were having one. It's a funny thing about mental disorders, half the time the textbook definition gets them completely wrong and they only barely resemble what is contained in the DSM IV.

Agree. Actually, it really bugs me how mental illnesses (but mood disorders in particular) are regarded. It seems like almost nobody has an accurate understanding of how people with mental illnesses function, and that we have basically no control over our moods. A lot of people seem to think that it's something we can get rid of it we just try a little harder.

TOP 5 DUMBEST "SOLUTIONS" FOR MOOD DISORDERS I'VE EVER HEARD

5. Lose weight/eat better.
4. Do yoga.
3. Go outside more/get more sunshine/get more fresh air.
2. Stop reading depressing books/listening to depressing music.
1. "Have you ever tried just NOT being sad/anxious before?"

Edited 2012-06-23 05:54 (UTC)

It seems like almost nobody has an accurate understanding of how people with mental illnesses function

To be fair, most people don't have an accurate understanding of how people with any kind of illness or disorder function, nor how the disorders themselves work and what they're really characterized by. They're generally most accepting/respectful of the more conventionally physical types, though (...unless it's weird/rare/obscure/has prominent unpleasant effects, then it's right back to wide-eyed horror).

Anon from this same thread: The difference between the understanding of a physical and mental disorder though is different. If someone doesn't know something about a physical disorder, they're going to still see it and be sympathetic. Whereas almost everyone has misconceptions about mental disorders from the time they start consuming media.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I love you, but I'm seriously eyeballing you right now for that episode with the mental patient.

Lots of people either assume you're completely batshit or they assume that since they can't see anything then you're fine. You have to be really careful about who you tell that you have a mental illness. I have been extremely fortunate and no one has hurt me yet, but I have to be very careful. I would never be able to tell, say , my boss about my mental illness like I would about a physical illness. The former could make me disrespected or even fired.

If someone doesn't know something about a physical disorder, they're going to still see it and be sympathetic.

Physical disorders aren't always superficially apparent, though.

I know/agree/did say that people react differently to mental vs physical things. It's just that people are ignorant as hell about things they don't personally have to handle, generally, so in terms of raw knowledge alone, they aren't really that much more backwards re: mental disorders, which is what I was trying to get at. But yes, what little they (think they) know does tend to be more problematic than with physical ailments.

Yeah, that's true. Though I agree with you: everybody understands and can empathize with someone who had cancer; I don't think most people can empathize with somebody who has a mental illness. I have a mental illness and even I can't understand other mental illnesses sometimes (though I guess that isn't the same thing as thinking that it doesn't exist).

You could read up on it. One of the most fascinating/alarming things I've found is I normally relate best to characters and celebrities I later realize could very well have mental disorders. I always assume they have bipolar disorder, since otherwise why would I connect with them, but, reading medical journals and the DSM-IV, I've so far diagnosed one character with borderline personality disorder and paranoid schizophrenia, one celebrity with narcissitic personality disorder, and a second with borderline personality disorder with histrionic personality disorder characteristics. Obviously, I don't know these characters/people, but it's a way of coping and it makes me feel a little less fucked up.

nayrt and i do this too, but i hope you don't speculate about that too much in public about illnesses you don't have because i have a disorder and i'm really sick of people "diagnosing" characters with it.

but yeah, i definitely have characters that i think have a particular mental illness because i relate and it makes me feel better since there's almost no good representation.

Uh, no. Sometimes I'll mention in fandom discussions speculations on a character's mental health, but that's about it. I really don't talk about my or anyone else's mental health irl. It's more of a "wait, why do I identify with this character so much" that turns into "these traits make me worry and were central to my diagnoses or remind me strongly of other mentally ill people I know" to "this and this are right, but this is wrong for bipolar" to me looking up various mood disorders.

..omg. I do that, too. I MEAN, I REALIZE I'M NOT A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL AND THAT I'M PROBABLY WRONG, but it's somehow comforting to know that there are other people who suffer, too. Sometimes I Wiki lists of celebrities who are bipolar, or BPD, or depressed, or anxious, or who committed suicide, or who are bisexual, and just read and read and click names and read biographies for hours.

same, except i stay away from the suicide bios and read ftm/mtf bios instead

(no subject)

fuchsiascreams - 2012-06-26 14:11 (UTC) - Expand

AYRT: I'll top you one.
When I was really depressed and sleeping at weirdly specific times of the day two years ago and I didn't know what was going on (I'm an ultradian/rapid cycler unmedicated so it was hell to diagnose me: completely symptom free 95 percent of the time now though :D), my mom told me that if I wanted to feel better I should try getting up and dancing every once in a while.

DANCING. WTF MOM YOU YOURSELF ARE ON MEDS FOR DEPRESSION. DANCING?!

Strangely, medicine is regarded the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder and clinical depression and severe anxiety. Perhaps doctors DO know more than laymen about treating it after all.

LOL WOW DANCING, REALLY? I know that a lot of people think that depression is a matter of just willing yourself out of it, BUT SERIOUSLY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY EXHAUSTING IT IS JUST TO BE ABLE TO DRAG YOURSELF OUT OF BED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM? I know this sounds really disgusting/TMI, but last summer I had a really bad three-week episode and I literally did not shower, change my clothes, or brush my teeth for the entire three weeks because I LITERALLY just did not have enough energy to get up off the couch. I was so exhausted that I slept on the couch for three weeks because I didn't even have enough energy to drag myself up the stairs to go lay in my bed.

Also, if you don't mind me asking - what does 'ultradian/rapid cycling' mean as it applies to bipolar disorder? I'm really glad you're mostly symptom-free now, though: I read Emilie Autumn's book (a musician who describes her experiences with bipolar disorder), and it sounds really, really fucking awful.

nayrt, but the other bipolar anon in this thread

It just means anon cycles more rapidly than average. It's really not that much to qualify, only four or more times a year. Cycles can happen as frequently as 3-4 times a day.

Before I was on meds, I used to cycle once every two months, about six times a year, so I was really surprised to learn that it normally happens much less frequently. Now that I'm on meds, I experience about one cycle a year, though one of those was likely triggered by severe stress.

Ooooh, okay. Thank you.

So, I'm assuming a regular cycle is about four times a year? What does that mean, exactly, like - does that mean you experience one dominant episode "type" (either manic, depressive, or mixed) for three months at a time, or just that you have an episode lasting for a few days/weeks about four times a year? In between episodes, are your moods "normal"?

One cycle in a lifetime makes you bipolar. Anything less than four times a year makes you fit the basic diagnosis, and the average duration is about three months for 2-3 months and up to six months for depression. Most bipolar people experience a switch between mania or hypomania and depression (or depression to mania, like I do), and that counts as a cycle. A period of mania or depression is called an "episode". The cycles are sometimes interspersed with periods of euthymia, or normal mood levels.

Not everyone suffers mania but rather something called hypomania. Hypomania is wanting to buy ten pairs of shoes in one day. Mania is wanting to buy every shoe in the STORE. Hypomania is having a sudden burst of creative inspiration. Mania is not sleeping for three days as you furiously write out every brilliant, racing thought in your head. Hypomania has to last at least four days for you to be diagnosed Bipolar Type II. A lot of the people being diagnosed nowadays are Type II.

If you were asking about me in particular, my rhythm without medication is a month or two of normal mood, then about a week of depression, which switches suddenly to mania.

I'm normally extremely anxious when I'm in a depressed period, as well as disgusted by myself. I feel inadequate, think no one could ever love me, and I'm paranoid like woah (I'm these things on average, but it's to a ridiculous degree when I'm depressed. It's like being a teenager your whole life). I cry a lot. I was actually first diagnosed with depression because I broke down and cried for an hour in a counselor's office. I've never been suicidal, though.

When I'm manic, I'm happy, bubbly, and affectionate. I talk quickly and have a lot of energy. It freaks my family out, but most other people don't have much of a problem with the euphoria. Sometimes I'm just irritable. I make horrible decisions, I'm a reckless driver (I've been in six car accidents and only two couldn't be directly linked to a manic episode), and I shoplift. I feel invincible. It's not a noticeable problem to me, since the euphoria feels good, and I'm not aware of how inadvertently self-destructive it can make me.

These things are in the past, though, since I've gotten on steady medication. Now I'll have about one cycle a year, though my parents have the erroneous belief that any time I'm the least bit irritable or happy, I'm manic. Which fucking sucks.

(no subject)

fuchsiascreams - 2012-06-25 18:43 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2012-06-26 04:11 (UTC) - Expand

In remission rapid cycler anon:
Yeah, I really can't believe my mom said that, but she did. She just really didn't know what to do with me, I guess. No one really did.

Basically, rapid/ultradian cycling went like this (also this started last January, so I lied by accident when I said it was two years ago; it really was more like a year and a half):

When I was cycling really really bad, which started mid/late last January (when I was still in high school) and went on for about three months, I would usually start the day and the mood I would have in the morning from about 7 AM to 10 PM would be very intense. Some mornings (good ones) would start off hypomanic and others would start off as depressed, but around nine o clock it wouldn't really matter anymore because I would blend into a 'fantastic' state of mixed mood where I sort of felt like I was literally on fire in the middle of class while simultaneously not being able to stay awake.

Also bad anxiety. A lot of bad anxiety and panic attacks in the bathroom between classes.

I would taper off around ten and be sort of almost baseline (think of it as my main mood for the day/week whether hypomanic/depressed) and usually I would ride that out until I got home where numbness would peak around 5 o clock. I would be ok again for about three hours, and then at eight the world would start to spin away from me and I would depersonalize and early on I would just fall asleep and wake at one am to do homework, but I stopped being allowed to do that so later on I would just sit and suffer through it.

I used to bite my hands quite a bit (mild self injury) and spells of that would usually happen at nine, five, and eight.

Nine o clock stopped being as bad when I went on Buspirone in late February and my cycles started slowing down when I went on Lamotrigine in March of last year. It took about six months to stabilize to the point at which I now recognize that I haven't been a serious threat to the safety of myself or others in about a year (last time was last June: I drove my car with my eyes closed for about thirty seconds). I should buy myself cake to celebrate :D

In all honesty. . .I don't know how on EARTH I stayed out of the hospital and I wouldn't wish it on anyone at ALL. It literally felt like I was in hell, burning in all at some points, and cycling so quickly, even when it slowed down a bit, was fucking exhausting and unpredictable. I'm very lucky that I got help when I did, and I'm even luckier that my meds work because a lot of the time a med regimen doesn't even work for people like me. I am immensely grateful to be alive :D

tl;dr anon couldn't figure out how to explain ultradian cycling without telling her whole life story.

SA: Also I am lucky that it did slow down quite a lot in march, mood episodes every few days or weeks instead, and most of them agitated or irritable hypomania. Still exhausting, but not as bad as some people's experiences.
Well, I mean, the whole experience wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of people's experiences, just a bit different in general. I'm glad I never lost complete touch with reality at least.

tl;dr anon couldn't figure out how to explain ultradian cycling without telling her whole life story.

That's okay! No offense, but I actually find your story/explanation to be incredibly fascinating. I'm really curious about manic depression in general because it seems like such an extreme disorder, I really could not imagine having it. I love hearing first-hand accounts from people who have it because I want to understand it as much as possible. (Incidentally, pardon my many, many questions in advance.) Out of curiosity, did that sort of thing happen EVERY DAY, or was it only certain days, or was it only during an episode (like, that every day, but only for a limited number of days/weeks)? Was it always the exact same timeline every day? When you say "on fire", are you talking about like.. actual, physical sensations, or mentally? How the hell did you deal with that AND going to school? When you had the depression, was it "just" physical things (like being tired), or was it psychological, too (like being suicidal)? When you were manic, was it just feeling like you were on fire, or was it like, euphoria and other things like that?

Anyway, sorry for asking so many questions.. as I said, I'm really, really morbidly curious about bipolar disorder, I hope I'm not offending you. I've experienced depressive episodes including depersonalization, self-injury, uncontrollable suicidal thoughts, anxiety and wanting to crawl out of my skin, but I've never had a manic episode (at least, I don't THINK they were manic episodes, though I have no other explanation for them), and I've never experienced the kind of extremity of mood that people with manic depression get.

Also, are you creative? Do you do art or anything?

It's ok about the questions. I'm cool with talking about it. I like that people are willing to be educated :D

Also, you honestly sound like you experience 'soft' signs of bipolar. Read this article. It has helped me IMMENSELY, probably more than my own psychiatrist ever did. (Not to diagnose you or anything or suggest a change in treatment, but it might add some clarity. Or not. Idk. It's interesting at least.)

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/02_diagnosis.html#soft

Um, your questions in order I suppose.

1. It happened most days in that severity for about two or three months. Some days were definitely worse than others. Once I went on medication the mood episodes spread out a bit though and it was a bit more bearable while they were still there.

2. Yeah, it was about the same timeline every day. Details did differ. . .I would sort of call it like I would have a main mood episode (hypomanic, mixed, or depressed) and then the ultradian cycling would be fluctuations in that. Sort of. Also, some symptoms were mixed with the severity of anxiety I had that day. One way my hypomania manifested was in anxiety, so that was part of the cycling too.

3. I guess I would call it 'crawling out of my skin' like you described below. When you're in the midst of a mood episode, physical and mental states sort of blend together, yeah? So it felt like I was literally on fire, but also, um, not I guess. Also, the numbness and exhaustion made it feel like it was completely inescapeable and I was in a class with a teacher with a grating noise so it was. . .not pleasant.

4. I don't know how the hell I did it. I really, really, really, really don't. Honestly, I'm a student true at heart and the only reason I went on medication was because I was becoming shitty at school. Misplaced priorities, I know.

5. Depression was both. I was suicidal a lot and tired and numb a lot.

6. Yeah I had euphoria. Before I started ultradian cycling in January I am fairly certain I had already had two euphoric episodes that year. I also had intermittent euphoria. I also had bad rage and irritability. The euphoria was great though, but also terrifying after. I'm not entirely certain there weren't periods when I was completely manic (I had many of the signs), but I cycled so quickly that it wouldn't have mattered. Euphoria is scary because everything sounds like a great idea.

7. One of the indicators actually that I'm becoming manic is that I get a strong urge to write. I wrote a lot when I was sick, but I recently destroyed all of it. I've always liked music and I've sung since I was young but I've never written any. I was in plays for seven years and I liked that. I roleplay online and that's fun. Mostly I'm a scientist by trade though and I wouldn't have it any other way :D

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2012-06-23 16:33 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

fuchsiascreams - 2012-06-25 19:00 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2012-06-26 09:07 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

fuchsiascreams - 2012-06-26 14:06 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2012-06-26 17:42 (UTC) - Expand

The first three are actually legitimate pieces of advice, especially for day-to-day coping, but they are not always enough. I find exercising, eating well, and spending time outside helps me greatly with my mood, whether I am feeling depressed or not. But it isn't a cure, because depression is a physiological illness, not just a "state of mind". So when people think it's really that simple...THAT'S when it starts to annoy me.

The fourth is a kinda rough area because...complicated. Listening to sad music doesn't make me depressed, but it can kind of trigger it (for lack of a better word - not trying to use "trigger" in the fic-related sense here), but it can also be really cathartic. Oh, and not everyone thinks the same things are sad.

The fifth is just...no. That's the kind of attitude that makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

While taking better care of yourself is good and may improve your mood, it doesn't cure mood disorders. And the last one?

No. Just no.

Yeah, exactly, like.. fuck. If I could just up and decide to NOT be mentally ill anymore, DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT A LONG TIME AGO BEFORE IT INTERFERED WITH MY LIFE SO MUCH THAT I'M 22 YEARS OLD AND I STILL HAVE NOT COMPLETED HIGH SCHOOL?

hang in there anon! *shoves lady luck in your general direction*

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