[ SECRET POST #2037 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2037 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 067 secrets from Secret Submission Post #291.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - personal attack ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[velvet_mace]

First of all, what made you think green on green was a good idea? I mean really?

Secondly, the big difference isn't because you are a woman and he's a man, it's that you are a real person of average looks and zero exposure and he's actually conventionally very attractive by anything but movie star standards who has played a number of extremely popular roles.

A more apples to apples comparison: I've known a lot of guys who bemoan the lack of women who are interested in them. They weren't great lookers, but they weren't terrible either, but they were geeky and shy and only hang out with other guys and the occasional married woman (like me). And funny enough women aren't just psychically discovering them. The few they do meet don't have chemistry with them and don't want to date.

If you want men (or women) to start paying attention to you, you really have three things you should work on.

1) Make yourself seen and available. Don't hide out on the internet, take up a hobby or get involved with something where people of your preferred gender tend to hang out and mingle.

2) Pay attention to your appearance. Very few people are naturally supermodels. It doesn't matter. A woman who cares about her appearance enough to well groomed and dressed to make what features they have look their best do get attention. If you are schlepping around in unflattering clothes, unkempt hair, poorly applied make-up, you are going to actively turn men away.

3) Be brave. There's this notion that being shy is somehow sexy, but reality is that shy is mostly invisible and unapproachable. Be willing to approach people. Ask a guy you like out rather than waiting for him to do it. Men are just as as afraid to ask women out as women are to ask men. If you break the ice first, you may find some of the people who seemed to be rejecting you were only doing so because they were too afraid to approach you.

[(Anonymous)]

lol sometimes I start whinging about not dating anyone, but then I read lists like the one you've written here and can't help but think "oh my GOD that is too much work". So at least I know why I'm alone :p

[(Anonymous)]

Heh, me too. I've got stuff to do, man.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, this is why I've dropped the "Nobody wants to date me" mentality and adopted a "Better off single!" one. Honestly, it makes me feel way more confident.

[insanenoodlyguy]

Then your mentality is one that leaves you happy, which puts you in the "doing fine" category.

Rock that shit!

[velvet_mace]

And there is nothing wrong with not dating! :D

But seriously -- do you think that you can get a relationship without putting any work into it? That's princess talk. Relationships are work. Don't be phony, but you can't slack at it either.

[(Anonymous)]

FYI, your #2 just proves the OP's point. Men aren't expected to mind their physical P's and Q's the way women are.

[(Anonymous)]

the same goes for men too or would you date a man who wears ratty clothes and hasn't washed his hair in weeks the first time you meet. I don't think so.

[velvet_mace]

The hell they aren't. Would you go out with a guy who doesn't care about his appearance? They may not wear make up, but a badly shaved face and ugly clothes doesn't impress the ladies. In fact it makes a dude kinda look like a creep. Once he's in a relationship, he can let it slack a bit, but while he's trying to get a girl to say yes to him, he better look at himself in a mirror.

[(Anonymous)]

da

lol this is such bullshit. Men are in no way expected to go out of their way in the least to impress women or get a date. Seriously, they're just not.

[velvet_mace]

So, you'd seriously say yes to any guy who asks you, no matter how unattractive and gross he looks? Or do you think other women have that low standards.

[(Anonymous)]

YAA (yet another anon)

No, but I'd probably be put under a lot of pressure to "give him a chance" because I'd "like him if I got to know him."

[(Anonymous)]

You've never watched a group of straight men get ready to go out clubbing, have you? Trust me, they ain't choosing their clothes and styling their hair to impress their friends.

[insanenoodlyguy]

The fuck we aren't! I'm not pretening that in all things the genders are equal, but some smelly ass neckbeard with BO is not getting the ladies in droves either.

99% of what velvet is saying applies to guys as well (only the makeup is different, really). If we dont' brush our teeth or wear clean clothes, we are going to get very little company we don't pay for.

[littlestbirds]

What the hell? This is in no way universal. People of both genders grow up with different ideas about how to present themselves in public, everyone is different. I'm a woman who's only dated guys who are way more into dressing up for me than I am for them.

It might make you feel better to think your sad little experience is some universal rule, but it's not.

[quinnzel]

You must be extremely easygoing. I really stress extremely there. You have no idea. I view it this way. If I make an effort to impress, look good, and take care of myself, then he damn well better too. A guy with nice fitting clothes who is clean and turns on the charm has my vote over the guy that just doesn't give a fuck. Seriously, how low are your standards, anon?

[(Anonymous)]

I really hate your list. It's kind of incredibly sexist, particularly the second point. A person shouldn't have to change everything about the way they look just to have someone speak to them. Beauty norms for women are so incredibly hyper-strict that there's no winning if you didn't win the genetic lottery already. Making it about the woman's appearance just increases stress and decreases self-esteem - while excusing the super-strict beauty standards enforced by men and patriarchal society as a whole and essentially giving men an "out" to be picky, sexist jerks while making it the sole fault of women for not being "good enough."

The whole "A woman who cares about their appearance enough..." is not only a flat-out lie (hi, I'm a woman who cares about her appearance, does her hair nice, wears cute clothes, goes the whole nine and has never in her life gotten positive male attention!), but it's sexist as fuck.

Also, seriously? If men get so hung up on "unkempt hair" that they turn right away from someone, they should be smacked. The fuck.

[velvet_mace]

You live in lala land if you think part of dating isn't trying to attract and impress the person. Call it sexist all you want. In a special world people will be attracted to your sparkly personality alone -- except chances are if you aren't caring for your appearance your personality isn't all that sparkly either. You also live in la la land if you think that guys don't have to watch their appearance when trying to get a woman to say yes for the first time, too. I know "grass is greener" and all that, but really, all you have to do is observe to know that guys primp and are image conscience, too.

[insanenoodlyguy]

You know what? No.

You focused a bit on hair, lets go with that.

I see a girl with unkempt hair. It's not just simply, "oh, she doesn't ascribe to my standard of beauty, reject!" that might be going through my head. Though even if we assume exactly that, I and anybody else can have whatever fucking standards we want. You better have some tough hands, you'd break em walking down the street otherwise lashing out all all the judgmental fucks out there.

But beyond that, the thought process goes to "she doesn't take care of this simple thing, what else might she not be doing?" It suggests a certain lack of caring about oneself which could indicate any number of things: Depression, poor hygene, some lack of basic competence. you might nave none of those things, certainly. But I'm sure you'd at least agree with me when I say we all tend to be pretty judgmental based on brief first impressions right? Even if it shouldn't be, it sure as hell is now.

Now, if you don't give a fuck about me, that's fine. If you are actually thinking I should find you attractive though, it's not up to a guy to start caring more when you clearly don't care enough yet. "You'll like me if you try hard enough to be less shallow" frankly sounds like the sort of horseshit a "nice guy" says.

[(Anonymous)]

ayrt

Seriously? You see a girl with ruffled or rumpled hair and automatically think she doesn't take care of herself?

I mean, goddamn. I guess everybody must think I don't take care of myself cos my hair looks better artistically messed up.

Also, um, unkempt =/= dirty. wtf.

[velvet_mace]

Well wait here. Are you talking about spending 5-10-15 minutes in the morning putting gel through your hair and teasing it so that it stands up in an artistically mussed way? Because dude, that's not unkempt. Unkempt is not putting anything in your hair and letting it get messed up, not artistically, but haphazardly by mother nature. And let me tell you, Mother nature is a poor hairdresser.

If you are just not bothering to brush your hair and think you look like those people with artistically mussed hair you see in posters -- well, news, you don't. Those people who you see on the streets with artistically mussed hair worked hard to get it that way with combs and hair product and special salon cuts. That's not just random matts made by not combing.

[insanenoodlyguy]

Seriously. Odds are pretty good though that's not the sole factor here for somebody who doesn't care about their appearance. I focused on one point but there's probably 5 or 6 other things going on at the same time.

Artistically messed up looks very different then uncared for. More then anything though, we all project our attitudes, usually more then we realize. The person who thinks "I look good like this!" carries themselves differently then "I don't give a shit about this" tends to. That'll change response and perception as well.

[veronica_rich]

Depends on what you mean by "taking care of this simple thing" with hair. I have easily flyaway hair. I also have prematurely graying hair. I used to color it myself, but past a certain age it looked worse. I use shampoos, conditioners (expensive ones), Biosilk (which actually works the best) - understand this isn't for any man or anyone but myself, to try to look presentable. But, alas, it's still not terribly attractive. Pretty much the only way it WOULD be is if I were willing to drop $100+ a month on professional cuts and coloring.

Now, maybe you and the women you know can afford that. I can't. I have other bills that demand my attention, and I don't quite yet earn Christian Grey's salary (though I'm working on it, by god!). So my feminine pride-and-joy is just going to have to deal with what I can do with it, and the public who doesn't like it, including any men with comments, are just going to have to fuck themselves. :-D

[velvet_mace]

Oh god, you too? I'm prematurely grey myself. Started going grey in highschool -- how does that suck. Now I'm more salt than pepper and I've decided not to dye my hair anymore. It's actually reached a point where it's crossed the line twice and gone back to looking somewhat cool. My hair looks light silvery in the front and steely dark in the back. No one will mistake me for a 30 year old, but I'm kind of rocking the older woman look.

thank you sir

[littlestbirds]

I don't have the energy to go through all the "fuck no" going around this thread, so let me just say this: Thank you for calling people on this bullshit.

You've got it right, this is the exact fucking inverse of the nice guy line, and it pisses me off just as much.

How you present yourself is a choice. Own your choices.