[ SECRET POST #2037 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2037 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 067 secrets from Secret Submission Post #291.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - personal attack ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

18. http://i.imgur.com/kZLaP.jpg

Naaaah

[iceyred]

Going only by this secret, it's less about your appearance and more about your whiny personality and tendency to cry wolf about people judging you because you're female. You also seem pretty desperate and that's always a turn off.

Protip, make yourself look as nice as you can. Keep your weight down, get a nice hair style, wear clothes that fit, etc. Any perceived flaws that remain, think of them indicators of personality, little quirks that make you unique. Trust me, this is much more productive than whining on FS.

[visp]

Actually, I think he's considered reasonably attractive. Kinda fey-looking, but not bad. Also, would you prefer it if everyone who isn't a Hollywood 10 was shown as never finding love? Ever? How would that cheer you up? But don't worry, OP, lots of people find significant others, including lots of not-perfect looking people, and even the downright ugly ones.

Transcript

[agentcthulhu]

[yellow text]
I get irrationally upset every time a character who is not classically attractive finds love and gets a relationship in fics. I'm not attractive either, but somehow irl nobody bothered to see past.my [sic] looks. I am lovable too, dammit!

[red text]
this guy, for example.

oh well, I know what the problem is - it's because I'm female, right? Girls are not supposed to be unattractive...

/Yellow on peach is not as bad as yesterday's orange on orange...

[(Anonymous)]

Or it could be the huge chip on your shoulder.

[hornpile]

"girls are not supposed to be unattractive"? uhh you can't help what your genetics are... I get your meaning but that seems like a weird way of putting it. Like if girls are unattractive they're rebelling against the system and get kicked out of society to live on the outskirts of life in an unattractive girl colony. /lol tangent

Idk this secret is strange. People can find other people attractive based on more than just whether they are classically attractive. If everyone in the world was only attracted to people that look like celebrities (assuming that is what you mean by classically attractive) then... idk the population would be drastically smaller I imagine.

ah whatever I give up trying to form a coherent reply to this secret /flies away

[kallanda_lee]

I think you might have a bit of a skewed opinion of what traditionally attractive is.

Trust me,he is, especially by the standards used by anything that isn't Hollywood movie industry.

Even if he's got a few quirks he's got a good figure, regular features, and great cheekbones.

As for yourself: I think your inability to find someone who finds you attractive doesn't have to do with you being female - but with you not loving yourself, and already seeing yourself as inferior.

Confidence is sexy, OP - whereas desperation nd an "oh, poor me" attitude are not.

[(Anonymous)]

well, I definitely agree that on a whole, people are more willing to look past unattractive appearances in a guy than they are in a girl. Girls are expected to put far more time and effort into their appearance in general.

Having said that, though, a LOT of people find Benedict to be completely hot. I know I do.

[(Anonymous)]

Attractiveness, has almost no bearing on ability to find romance. You have to do 2 things, and 2 things only:

Bathe. You should smell clean, but preferably not buried in perfume.

Interact with human beings. Seriously, the fugliest people I've ever met in my life had fiances, because they did social things that allowed them to have conversations with other people.

[littlestbirds]

I don't understand, why you are reading fic about unattractive characters if it makes you upset? fanfic is like a buffet for picky eaters, everything's pretty clearly marked.

also, I don't really get people who think they deserve a safe space for their self-pity and low self-esteem. You sound like the female version of the "nice guys" on reddit.

I am not usually this harsh, but this secret was kind of a bummer :(

[(Anonymous)]

I completely understand, anon. A lot of people here are misunderstanding your point, but I get it.

It's a basic fact of society that men who are not conventionally attractive are given much, much, MUCH more leeway than women who are not conventionally attractive. Men who aren't conventionally attractive are usually given the benefit of the doubt, people will get to know them anyway, and so on, while women who aren't conventionally attractive are so often reduced to their appearance alone ("the fat girl," "the girl with the scar on her face," etc.) and ostracized and isolated for it.

I wish I could help you, OP, but the only advice I have is to keep trying. There ARE people out there who will find you attractive just as you are, and love you for the person you are inside. I promise you that. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time to weed out the jerks who judge people by looks alone. Good luck.

[(Anonymous)]

The thing is, different people find different things attractive. Even people looks you might consider unattractive are attractive to some and that's not even counting things like, sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, and the like, which can be a huge part of attraction.

[velvet_mace]

First of all, what made you think green on green was a good idea? I mean really?

Secondly, the big difference isn't because you are a woman and he's a man, it's that you are a real person of average looks and zero exposure and he's actually conventionally very attractive by anything but movie star standards who has played a number of extremely popular roles.

A more apples to apples comparison: I've known a lot of guys who bemoan the lack of women who are interested in them. They weren't great lookers, but they weren't terrible either, but they were geeky and shy and only hang out with other guys and the occasional married woman (like me). And funny enough women aren't just psychically discovering them. The few they do meet don't have chemistry with them and don't want to date.

If you want men (or women) to start paying attention to you, you really have three things you should work on.

1) Make yourself seen and available. Don't hide out on the internet, take up a hobby or get involved with something where people of your preferred gender tend to hang out and mingle.

2) Pay attention to your appearance. Very few people are naturally supermodels. It doesn't matter. A woman who cares about her appearance enough to well groomed and dressed to make what features they have look their best do get attention. If you are schlepping around in unflattering clothes, unkempt hair, poorly applied make-up, you are going to actively turn men away.

3) Be brave. There's this notion that being shy is somehow sexy, but reality is that shy is mostly invisible and unapproachable. Be willing to approach people. Ask a guy you like out rather than waiting for him to do it. Men are just as as afraid to ask women out as women are to ask men. If you break the ice first, you may find some of the people who seemed to be rejecting you were only doing so because they were too afraid to approach you.

[(Anonymous)]

The thing is that for many women it's not a case of 'seeing past looks', they actually do find Cumberbatch and other non Hollywood handsome actors genuinely physically attractive. He's not my personal cup of tea, but I can comprehend the appeal.

[(Anonymous)]

You are me.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, so if you're not happy, none of the fictional characters should be either?

[dragonimp]

Except that out in the real world, a lot of "not classically attractive" people get married and do just fine.

[(Anonymous)]

lol @ ppl in this thread claiming this guy is attractive after all. newp, he's fug as fuck and you all have low standards.

anyhow, to the op: if anything, you should be happy when fug ppl get some diq/pus in fic because lol doesn't always happen irl. the cute guy/girl is never going to choose someone fug no matter how big their heart is, just sayin.

[world_eater]

Is this a troll? I don't ask that a lot, but this is such a stupid opinion to have. Everyone who's seen at least one talkshow in their life knows that even extremly "unattractive" women find love (and then screw it up by sleeping with a bunch of random people, presumably so they have something to yell about on television? I don't know).

[biohazardgirl]

Oh, come ON.

Seriously, first off, I agree with everyone on the thread: Ben may not be 'conventionally' movie star attractive, but if you saw him on the street I guarantee you would find him striking/interesting looking in some way. Likewise, if we're talking "Sherlock", I'm sure in universe people also find him very striking, both for his looks and for his unique personality & extreme intelligence. Usually in fic his looks are praised, so you've already got one thing wrong about your statement.

NEXT, who died and gave you the right to piss all over other peoples' happiness? Saying other people don't deserve happiness just because you're unhappy is a really shitty thing to do.

Finally, look, I'm not conventionally attractive. I don't wear makeup and I don't put product in my hair or do anything other than brush it and I don't pay attention to what I'm wearing half of the time and I'm not obese, but I'm not a stick either. Usually, people even mistake me for being about twelve years old. I have still managed to find several boyfriends over the past couple of years. Go out and meet people and stop having a shite attitude and there will be boys that will like you despite of 'how unattractive you are.'

Edit: I realize that I sound a bit insensitive towards your low self esteem, and I'm sorry that you feel that way because I did at one point in time also. I just think you should maybe try to not be unhappy about other peoples' happinesses and go out there and try to not let your feelings or inadequacy bother you.

[(Anonymous)]

I sympathize, OP. I'm about as unattractive as they come and it was frustrating and devastating for a long time getting rebuffed over and over, but I did eventually find my "prince" who, even after almost 20 years, still tells me every day how beautiful I am.

My only advice is just to make yourself happy; it's no one else's responsibility. The rest will fall into place at its own time.

[(Anonymous)]

Just look at how many instances there are of the Ugly Guy, Hot Wife trope.

Women are less shallow as a whole, it's sad but true.

[(Anonymous)]

I hope you're ignoring the haters, OP, because I feel like your secret was more about your feelings (you admitted you think this is an "irrational" thing, after all) than some hate-on you have for conventionally unattractive people who get laid.

Anyway, for you, while I totally agree that women are stuck between much narrower goalposts to define what is attractive than men are, I think another big part of this is just self confidence.

A lot of people are telling you to "make" yourself more attractive, and I couldn't disagree more. If that is what you want, then more power to you. There are a million and one beauty blogs, videos, etc., out there on the internet if you're interested in going that route. If not, you shouldn't feel pressured to, at all.

Attraction is about so much more than whether you fit into a conventional mold or not. A lot of it is just a numbers game: the more people you're exposed to and talk to, the more likely you are to find someone to date. This is sort of my pep talk to myself when I go out somewhere on a day where I'm feeling pretty crummy about myself: if there are twenty heterosexual men in that room (for my heterosexual woman self), it's probable that at least one will find me physically attractive, and maybe a couple more won't think I'm the hottest woman evar, but might like my personality and find me more attractive for that. And if nobody does, there's always another day. It's just as much about finding people with similar interests, hobbies, politics, whatever, as it is about looking one way or another.

I'm not denying that there are unreasonable beauty standards out there or pressure to look a certain way, and I'm not denying that these things shape the way other people will look at you. But it is my firm belief that extremely ugly people are just as rare as extremely beautiful people, and most of us are somewhere in the more ordinary spectrum, whether we recognize that or not.

And finally, honestly, there is so much more to life than who wants to bone you. It's a great confidence booster to find out someone you find attractive also finds you attractive, sure, but it's short-lived compared to the joys of learning not to give a fuck and doing the work to truly love yourself. As an anecdote, I've also found that potential daters tend to come to me when I'm not looking, because I'm too busy being FUCKING AWESOME to go looking for them, and there's something magnetic about that.

Let me tell you something about relationships, OP

[(Anonymous)]

Getting into one involves an awful lot of luck.

It's all about the luck of who you meet. Sure, you can do things to improve your chances: find ways to meet more people, do things to attract attention... but ultimately it's still a matter of luck because attraction is involuntary and no one is required to give anyone points for effort.

We tend to remain willfully ignorant of this because we like to take credit for our successes ("He likes me because I'm special!" "She likes me because I said all the right things!") and find someone/something to blame when it goes south ("The relationship ended because they made the following mistakes..."). Also, no one would buy self-help books based on this principle.

I'm not saying what you do doesn't matter - it's certainly possible to drive people off - but that it is possible to do everything right and still have bad luck and to do nothing and have good luck. I've known people who never in their lives "put themselves out there" but still managed to land a partner because they got lucky and met someone compatible through work or a mutual friend or because they grew up on the same street or whatever. The world is unfair like that.

So, while self-improvement and "putting yourself out there" are great and all, don't buy into the fallacy that the fact that you haven't landed a partner yet is proof that you aren't good enough.

[(Anonymous)]

i can understand why you feel this way, but trust me when i say that you're really misunderstanding the situation. i'm what you would consider very traditionally beautiful, and i'm 27 and have had one boyfriend my entire life. literally, one. and he was awful. it's because i'm anti-social and extremely, insanely picky when it comes to relationships. so not only do i not really meet very many new guys, but i dismiss them almost instantly. (i obviously don't mind, though.) anyway, having romantic relationships really depends more on being around lots and lots of prospects and giving people a chance.
and about beauty standards, just don't think about them. it's only going to make you unhappy and walk around with a chip on your shoulder. just be as beautiful as you can inside and out and work on being a good person. love will likely find you. (and if not, well, you'll really be no worse off than a lot of other miserable lonely people out there).