fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2249 ]

[ SECRET POST #2249 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2249 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Otoyomegatari]

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03.

[Girls und Panzer]

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04.

[My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic]

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05.

[Monster High]

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06.

[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]

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07.

[Jackass 3D]

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08.

[Paranatural]

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09.

[Angelina Jolie]

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10.

[Der Ring des Nibelungen]

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11.

[Mary Shelley's Frankenhole]

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12.

[Medium]

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13.

[The Americans]

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14.

[The Mindy Project]

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15.

[5Dolls, T-ARA]

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16.

[A Good Day To Die Hard]

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17.

[Harry Potter]

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18. http://i45.tinypic.com/2v0bjpd.jpg
[linked for porn, Spartacus: Vengeance]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 019 secrets from Secret Submission Post #321.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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I need your help guys. :(

I have three (3-hour long) classes with this one guy. He's in his forties, and really opinionated and outspoken. Which would normally be okay, except he's also one of those people who derides other people for not agreeing with him, and he becomes progressively more loud and hostile when you disagree.

And then he holds a grudge against you for this, and asks you inappropriate questions at inappropriate times, like, "You don't like me very much, do you," stuff like that.

This isn't just my perception of him. Everyone who comes in contact with him agrees that he's a very volatile, angry, abrasive guy.

Unfortunately, his attitude toward me and others has caused me a good deal of anxiety. If I try to ignore him, he forcibly engages me and baits me into speaking to him with insults. If I try to argue with him, he gets hostile. If I tell him to go away, he gets hostile.

What the fuck do I do? He's in one of my groups for a huge assignment, so I have to talk to him about group stuff.

His treatment of me and others makes literally my physical state decline. After one of his tantrums today, my blood pressure and pulse skyrocketed, I got flushed and woozy. I don't think this is a good reaction to have, especially when I can't get away from him.

Have you told your professor about this?

No, but I feel like that makes me into some kid who can't deal with her own problems and has to run to an adult to get them to fix it.

Plus the classmates would get extremely offended and react to me and my group even worse, because he's already got this weird paranoid delusion thing going on about us.

And again, this isn't just my own paranoid delusions- everyone who works with him reports the same problems.

I think that is exactly why you SHOULD bring it up to someone in charge. This is affecting everyone's grades, and stress, and that is not fair to any of you. If he is such an issue that even mentioning it to a teacher is going to make it worse, that right there should be reason enough to have him removed. That's just going to get worse no matter what you do, so at least you can have it on record and hopefully those in charge can do something about it.

I'm still kind of wary about approaching professors, but I'll ask my groupmates and see if they're in with the idea too. If they think it will help, I'll try to say something to the prof.

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

lunabee34 - 2013-03-01 17:05 (UTC) - Expand

Go to the professor when nobody else is around, let them know that you want to remain anonymous. Telling an authority figure is dealing with your own problems.

Try to get the rest of your group to all go to the professor together. That way it's not just about the conflict between you and him, it's about the fact that this guy is a problem and he needs to be dealt with.

Then you've got to talk to your professor. There isn't anything kidish about knowing when a person/situation is bad for you and your health, and the people around you, and doing something about it. You could ask the professor to have him moved to another group or have him work solo. Obviously you're in a lose-lose situation no matter how you deal with him; better to talk to the professor and have him seething across the room or something than baiting you to your face.

Though, if you really feel you can't talk to your professor, is there any way you could have your interaction online? Or split into groups among your group so you don't have to deal with him every class, or at least all of each class? Hot potato him amongst yourselves. Split the tasks you need to do and rotate who has to work with him, maybe even give him something to do separately from the rest of you.

If he's affecting your and others' ability to preform well in class then it becomes an academic issue and it's well within your right to tell your concern to the professor. Tell them this guy is making the working environment hostile and ineffective. Though I suggest getting at least part of the rest of the group to back you up about with the professor.

I could get half of my program to back me up about this guys' behavior.

But you're right, his behavior is definitely affecting us on an academic level; we spent an hour trying to agree on the phrasing of a single hypothesis. We would have been done in 10 minutes if he hadn't been there.

I'll definitely approach my group about talking to the prof. Last semester, this guy worked alone from my group, because he also couldn't agree on our research focus. If it wasn't his way, then it was totally incorrect, and he wouldn't (and isn't) amenable to compromises.

And he outright tells people that their desire to study something is worthless or stupid.

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

(Anonymous) - 2013-03-01 03:39 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

(Anonymous) - 2013-03-01 04:02 (UTC) - Expand

Go to the prof as a group. This idiot is the one acting like the child, IMO.

Never feel like you shouldn't report someone's abusive behavior, especially if he's making you feel this way.

This guy needs to be reported, if not to the professor then to the department head, or the dean of students.

Absurdly enough, my professor is also the head of graduate studies. I say absurd because he certainly has the power and pull to do something, but he's such a mild guy that I'm not sure he will.

I'll definitely bring it up to my group members, see if they're behind the idea, too.

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

dethtoll - 2013-03-01 04:06 (UTC) - Expand

he sounds like he's really insecure and craves attention.

maybe the next time he gets hostile with you, say something neutral like, "yeah, that's interesting" and then address the group as a whole instead of speaking to him directly. this might initially infuriate him more, but if you silently remind yourself that he is a sad, cowardly man-child and wait it out he should become too tired to bother with you and move on to the next person.

The only problem with that is I've seen others take this approach with him before, and he just gets even more hostile, and bears even worse of a grudge. One classmate who brushes off his attitude is at the moment being targeted as his "nemesis" (his words).

He's been behaving like this for the 4 months that I've known him. He's 43. This is an ingrained personality trait, and he is very persistent with his browbeating.

"nemesis"? lol jesus shit what the fuck, this dude

here is what i would do:
bring an opaque thermos to class and fill it with gin. whenever he speaks, take a small drink. the more he talks, the less you will care.

if that's not your thing, the only other thing i could think of in terms of interaction is being overly nice to him. if he wants hostile attention, he might not even know how to respond to a person being extremely polite and sweet.

out of curiosity, how long has the current "nemesis" been a nemesis??

Ahaha omg laughing so hard. I love this plan, except I would be an alcoholic by the end of the semester, cause he talks a fucking lot.

He's still hostile and combative toward people who are naturally sweet and nice. One of my friends in this program is the sweetest, most harmless girl you'd ever meet. This dude still is nasty and mean to her, when he was in her group last semester.

This nemesis has been a nemesis for I think one or two months. Like I said, he's persistent.

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

republicanism - 2013-03-01 05:56 (UTC) - Expand

Christ Almighty. It's like Youtube comments come to life. I've got a guy who frequently lays threats and slurs on my videos and channel, and blocking him only leads him to coming back on a new username. He's been doing this for years. My crime? Telling him off when he was doing it to a friend -- who he also has continued to harass.

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

khronos_keeper - 2013-03-01 04:11 (UTC) - Expand

The next time he tirades? I don't care if you're in class and the prof is talking, stand up, look at him and say, "I need to step outside. Please remember we're professional adults when I return." And walk the fuck out of the room.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is keeping you there. This is college. You don't need a hall pass. And if your professor gets upset with you, tell him/her that stepping away is for your health and so you don't lose it on him since you respect his/her class too much for that kind of drama.

And when he throws out random tangent questions? "That's not relevant, let's stick to the subject at hand."

And when he starts screaming at you because he's a child? In a calm voice, raise your hands and say, "We're all adults here, let's keep this on an adult level, please."

And you should talk to your professor. Tell him/her that you're paying for this class and he is making it difficult to learn anything and it's making you want to stop coming. I can't imagine you're excited about that class coming around every week.

In short, walk away when he's damaging you, but the rest of the time, stay professional and remind him that he's a fucking adult. Ugh. I do not understand why professors let poison like this infect their classrooms. This isn't high school anymore, dammit.

It's 10x more ridiculous because this is a graduate program. We all ought to be professionals by now.

This is kind of the approach I've been taking so far, but honestly maybe I need to amp it up to the next level and make it obvious. As in, when he's being deliberately abusive or pointlessly argumentative, whenever that is, get up and walk away, rather than sitting through it.

You mentioned the tangent questions, and you're absolutely right. He's kind of infamous for those, to the point where I watched a professor's eyes pop and he rocked back in his seat when my classmate was getting riled up and nasty about something OT.

Yeah, no, not excited at all. I'll talk to my groupmates about it, and if they think that having the professor take this guy aside and talk to him or relocate him would help, then I'll approach the prof.

Also? Document everything! Write down the times and dates of every incident and as objectively as you can the details of what happened, specifically how it impacted the ability to do your work. Don't put in long rants, just a timestamp, what was said or done, what he said or did, and the negative impact it had.

The prof might shrug it off, even if you go as a group. If you go to him as a group, with documentation (leave copies with the prof, NOT the originals), it will be harder for him to brush it off.

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

khronos_keeper - 2013-03-01 03:49 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

dethtoll - 2013-03-01 04:07 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Hostile classmate- help?

khronos_keeper - 2013-03-01 04:16 (UTC) - Expand

You seriously need to bring this up with the professor. An email might actually be better than doing it in person.

Why? If you send an email, the communication is documented. The professor isn't necessarily going to handle this well; being in a position of power doesn't mean you use that power wisely. So if this jerk ends up messing up your project you have communication, in writing, that you'd tried to discuss this.

You should still talk to the prof in person, but make sure there's an email about your concerns.

Definitely will consider the email approach, and you're absolutely right about the professor maybe not being able to handle it well. I don't know this particular prof all that well, so I'm not sure what his tactics will be.

I'll bring this up to my other two group members and see if they think this could help us all in the long run.

Late comment is late, sorry.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure that your prof hates this guy, too. It's beyond frustrating to try to lead a discussion when somebody monopolizes it with angry off-topic bullshit.

tbh I'm surprised your professor doesn't just kick him out of class when he starts acting like a douche. Most of my profs will only put up with so much shit before they just toss you out for being an asshole

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