fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2251 ]

[ SECRET POST #2251 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2251 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 112 secrets from Secret Submission Post #322.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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12. http://oi48.tinypic.com/2lxfsx2.jpg

I have never cared if my fantasy crushes are married, it's a fantasy, I can do whatever I want in my fantasies. People who have fandom crushes need to remember to have their dividing line between fandom and reality, and that basically means staying the hell away from a married individual.

Though that wife sounds a bit insecure and I feel bad for her if she can't handle her husband's fame.

I try not to, but somehow I can't help it - even though there are thousand different aspects of his personality that I don't know so of course my image is never going to be "realistic", and yet this seems to be some kind of dealbreaker.

Hearing you so much on knowing the difference between fandom and reality! That's one thing that continually weirds me out about Twitter, especially, it seems to be completely breaking down the fourth wall.

I don't think it's inherently horrible that it's a deal breaker for you, I just hope you're not too upset about it. Like when some fans get mad because their favorite actor got married, it's really nothing to be upset about and this all goes back to remembering that these things are fantasies.

I think some people always tried to break the 4th wall down, there have always been "groupies" and people have always written crazy letters to people they are a fan of, but those are the types of letters that get thrown out and in regards to twitter, I wouldn't blame a celeb for blocking certain people.

Like it's okay to be a fan and express to that person you are a fan, but it's not okay to make public sexual advances to that person.

I remember once Nathan Fillion wrote (years back, it was on his myspace) that he really didn't appreciate receiving messages of a sexual nature, and I was just taken back because I don't understand how people can think that is appropriate in the first place.

It might not be an insecurity issue at all. If he ignores her for long periods of time, or constantly prioritizes fandom-related stuff over her, then she has legitimate concerns.

"Feeling more and more invisible in his shadow" is where I would read insecurity. I can't possibly say either way what their personal life is like, but while I wouldn't say the insecurity is unjustified I also wouldn't say it's non existent either.

People often have trouble being with someone who is in a similar trade that they are, ego and self esteem issues can arise very easily if your SO seems more "successful" then you are. This is not a judgment, just an observation.

I don't have fandom crushes, but I kind of get your sentiment. In my case it's ridiculously exaggerated, though. There's this character with an actual historical prototype, and I feel like they would be eternally weirded out by the idea of being a part of somebody's literary creations, let alone a part of wish fulfillment fanfic.

Although technically during their life they already had this another character who was based on their personality... but the difference is that the canon source I'm talking about features them under their real name using the events of their real life. And it's generally creepy. Besides, they weren't exactly happy about being embedded in a literary work.

Biographies and memoirs exist, yeah, I know. I've actually read a couple of admirable biographies of this very person. I just have this feeling that the border lies somewhere between non-fiction and fiction and that in this case fiction is slightly not okay.

IDK even. They died over a century ago, I shouldn't feel this way. It's not even that I judge the author of the canon (I admire and respect them) or that I think that there's something ethically wrong with the whole situation, I simply feel bad about it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your feeling that way. I think it's good to maintain a sense of reality and proportion and respect, and that's how I read what you're saying. It's good to bear in mind that real people are, you know, real human beings. I don't see any reason you shouldn't feel that way.

Re: Slightly OT

dreemyweird - 2013-03-02 22:21 (UTC) - Expand

Curious as to who this is, now.

Re: Slightly OT

dreemyweird - 2013-03-03 09:18 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

tweedisgood - 2013-03-03 16:44 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

dreemyweird - 2013-03-03 17:14 (UTC) - Expand

You aren't propositioning her husband though. As long as your crush only stays a fantasy I think you should be fine. There are lines you shouldn't cross with this sort of thing, and as long as you realize that and maintain those lines nothing harmful should come of it.

I'm not, but I can't help feeling weird because on the other hand, I find their relationship to be completely adorable; and to be crushing on him at the same time requires a massive amount of compartmentalising that I'm not always capable of.

(no subject)

elaminator - 2013-03-02 22:42 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

elephantinegrace - 2013-03-02 22:50 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

elaminator - 2013-03-02 23:01 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2013-03-02 23:04 (UTC) - Expand

I very, very seldom crush on real people because of how weird it feels to fantasise knowing they're actually all about their SO.

(I find the gay thing helps though? Like, there are some women I find sexy as hell and occasionally my brain can be like 'You and your husband are adorable, but if you were to suddenly find yourself magically gay, I could totally help you out with that.')

Mostly I stick to crushing on characters instead though. Same face and body, but total access to interpretation of their emotions and desires. Way more cathartic.

There's a fine line between this:

"Famous Person is hot and I'd love to be his wife."

And this:

"Wife of Famous Person is a (myriad of offensive terms used against women here) for being married to MY MAN. I bet she cheats on him. I bet she faked being pregnant to marry him."

I've seen both of these. The latter is unhealthy, and yes, it's horribly unfair to the wives. The former, however, is completely normal even outside of fandom. So I wouldn't worry about it. :)

I follow Seamus and Juliana Dever (Ryan and his wife on Castle), and I get so much second-hand embarrassment from the people who tell Juliana how hot her husband is. It's like, 1. she knows. 2. you're creepy.

They're married in real life? Aw. [/ot]

For some reason, I'm thinking of Clark Gregg and Jennifer Grey.

I hope not, though, because they are adorable, and I wouldn't want his sudden rise in nerd-fame to make his wife sad.

It's not, you can be relieved (see the comment below yours).

Gia Milinovich, right? I remember reading that article (or a very similar one, apparently, if it's not her) and feeling awkward and I've never even taken an interest in Brian Cox.

...yes. (Gee, am I that obvious?) And the thing is, sure, at a superficial glance she might seem insecure, but really, celebrity culture IS weird and I guess it's got to be stranger for them because he never really set out to become a celebrity - anyway, I GET IT; I'd really feel the same way in her situation and I don't think it's unjustified at all. And it makes me sad because from the very little I've seen they seem to be such an adorable couple.

...or maybe I'm overthinking things.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2013-03-03 08:48 (UTC) - Expand

As long as you don't start acting like the WareAckles, I imagine you're okay, OP. :) Like other people have said upthread, crushes on married people are totally fine as long as you respect boundaries and don't make yourself sick crushing over someone you can't have (which it doesn't sound like you were in any danger of doing at all).

As long as you don't proposition the guy, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. You privately having a crush on him doesn't affect him, his wife, or his marriage.

Though, personally, I've never had a problem with having crushes on people who are in a relationship, or have an incompatible sexual orientation. Why would it matter? It's a fantasy.

Also, I can definitely sympathize with the wife. But while it's understandable to blame fans for stuff like actually making advances on her husband, other stuff, like feeling overshadowed, is probably a common issue when marrying a famous person. If it bothers her, it's something she needs to work out with her husband. It's not the fault of the fans.

Well, I've seen some pretty horrible behavior from fans towards a famous person's wife. Like she gets in the way of their crushes/ships/whatever. I've even seem death threats or calling her slurs or whatever.

(no subject)

citrinesunset - 2013-03-05 07:39 (UTC) - Expand

I find it safer to crush on the character, not the actor or actress. It feels less creepy, and plus it cuts down on the possibility of being disappointed in them when they do something stupid or crappy. If the character screws up, you can always blame the writer if nothing else. If an actor or actress screws up and does something (or more likely tweets something) that proves them unworthy of your affection, it's all on them.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/aug/28/invisible-wife-syndrome-celebrity-relationships

Not the OP

Hipster Gia Milinovich Fan

If you stopped for a second to think that Fandom Crush was, in fact, a celebrity, and you have much less chance of getting with them because of that than because of current relationship or incompatible orientation, would that 'ruin the fantasy'? Personally, I find that the cool thing about fantasy is that it's really *hard* to ruin; just handwave that 'Yeah, in that alternate universe where we met and he's into me, he's also not married/gay.'

Unless you're one of the people actually making advances to her husband, though, I don't see a need to feel guilty. There are enough people who go out of their way to make their celebrity crushes feel uncomfortable that I doubt private fantasies would be a blip on the radar.

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