fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2316 ]

[ SECRET POST #2316 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2316 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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02.

[Band of Brothers]

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03.

[Princess Princess]

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04.

[Once Upon a Time]

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05.

[Doctor Who]

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06.

[toby turner/tobuscus/tobygames]

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07.

[Common Law]

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08.

[James May's Man Lab]

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09.

[The Enigma of Amigara Fault]

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10.

[Mad Men]

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11.

[Lost Girl]

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[Twilight]

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13.

[Monsters Inc]

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14.

[Archer]

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15.

[Super Junior / Infinite]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #331.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 2 - broken links ], [ 1 (???) - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 2 - empty comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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10. http://i.imgur.com/Yq1B98x.jpg
[Mad Men]

I feel ya, OP. This is the only thing Don has ever done/said that I can actually relate to.

I'm not a parent, so I can't really relate.

But I still thought this was a good scene because idk. It was a new facet of Don's character to be explored. We've dealt with his Issues With Women SO MUCH over the past 6 seasons that I'm pretty much over it. But this was something new.

No judgment, OP. That's not something that can be controlled. Besides, you can love someone and still be a total shit to them, so, meh.

So instead of getting counseling to work on your issues you decided to make a secret to reassure yourself that not loving your kids is normal? Okay then!

Because it is absolutely mandatory for someone to love another being, just because that other being happened to come out of their body.

Because that's how love works.

Of course.

Please don't ever become a parent. This isn't talking about unwanted pregnancies and putting kids up for adoption. These are parents who wanted kids and when they got them decided loving them was too much effort.

Well if you chose to raise a kid, you should love that child, otherwise you don't have any business raising them. Christ

this. seriously, wtf is wrong with people

So... how do you ensure that you will love the child(ren) you have?

(no subject)

silverau - 2013-05-07 09:17 (UTC) - Expand

IAWTC, but I think the problem is that too many people have children because "they're supposed to", or because "it's time", and they don't really think about whether or not they actually WANT children in the first place.

I think there's more people who have mixed feelings about their children than will admit it.

Are you kidding me?? Are you seriously implying that parents who don't love their kids shouldn't get counseling??? I guess if the kid ends up with severe emotional disorders or attachment problems or a just plain crappy life due to being raised by someone who doesn't love them it's okay with you, then. I just. I can't. Congratulations, you've just said the single most disgusting thing I've ever seen on the Internet.

Luckily complete strangers on the internet can put you right about your entire existence with their handy mindreading skills. Okay then!

Oh look it's the OP who still doesn't understand that not everyone has their selfish, warped point of view about parenting.

Chill. This says nothing about OP's capacity to take care of her children. We are often given this huge social expectation that our hearts will be bursting with magical sparkly love for our babies, and sometimes that shit doesn't happen right away. It certainly didn't for me. I had to *learn* to love my kid the same way I would have to learn to love any other human being; it didn't happen overnight. And sometimes that love gets buried under any manner of things. For me, it was post-partum depression and an unhealthy relationship with his father. Now it's the strain on my time, emotions and finances. Yeah, I love my kid, but I had to learn to, and I had to learn that love *isn't* always magical and sparkly, but just about enduring (with) someone because you can't imagine the alternative.

I had to learn what love actually was, and I had to learn how to do it and feel it. But in that interim, I still took care of his material/physical needs and his emotional ones, as well. Posting a secret about maybe not loving her child doesn't make the OP a shit parent.

I felt so horrified when he said that - knee-jerk parent reaction. But then...he's almost never home. His kids are trotted out to say hello or they are a 'chore' - and Betty is a terrible mother, making them out to be ten times worse then they are, and using them to make Don feel bad/guilty (he should, anyway, but i can see where he would have resentment)....

I'm not all that surprised if a lot of dads of that era didn't feel the same. It seems pretty obvious Betty can barely tolerate her kids unless they're being perfect.

Not everyone should be a parent. Not every kid is loveable and them just being 'your kid' doesn't mean you automatically have super-duper love for them. It sucks, it hurts, it can fuck you, and most importantly them, up big time. But it's a fact of life.

Why did you even have children in the first place, OP

Because you can automatically tell how you are going to feel in advance.

Yeah....no.

I'm not going to go into how flawed your argument is that being a shitty parent is a feminist issue and that we should give leniency to neglectful mothers who don't love the kids they raise because it's ~STOPPING THE DOUBLE STANDARD~. Straw feminism is an entire beast on its own, and most feminists would counter your point with that they go after neglectful fathers just as much.

Kids don't have a return policy. Once you decide to raise a child, that child is dependent on you until he or she is a legal adult. That child trusts you and is vulnerable to your every action, word, and feelings about them. Children can pick up on emotions and an unhealthy environment whether you want to acknowledge that fact or not. So unless you want to screw up your child later on in life with psychological issues and trust issues, you should be invested in thinking about whether you really are suitable to be a parent. You wanted the perfect child and can't handle one with problems and needs who might not be into things you are? Don't be a parent. Parenting isn't about what you want. It's about nurturing and giving unconditional love to a person and watching them grow into an individual all on their own because of how you raised them.

Okay... I don't think the OP said any of that stuff you're attributing to her in the first paragraph, and your second paragraph seems to boil down to "somehow go back in time and know whether or not you'll love your kid(s)." Not much you're saying is making sense.

"People would think I'm a monster - doubly so because I'm a woman."

Sounds pretty much like screeching about oppression that doesn't actually exist in this situation to me.

If you don't think you can love your kids no matter what, then you shouldn't be a parent. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out.

you seriously think that's screeching????

there's definitely a societal expectation that women are magically innately 100 percent in love w/ their kids the moment they pop out of the womb. that's just fact.

there's also enormous amounts of societal pressure on women (and married couples) to want children.

Meh, I think I can understand. I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't like me, and I don't really like him either, but then we just turned out to be two very different people and we don't really need to like each other to enjoy our lives. He paid for my university education, and a lot more child support than he was obligated to and certainly wasn't abusive or anything, so I can't really fault him. Hell, I even respect his achievements. Sometimes two people just clash too much to feel all that much for each other.

It's not the end of the world. We both have other people in our lives.

Okay okay, I'm speaking out as someone whose mother had trouble loving and raising me and my sister.

She was only 15 when she got me, and had post-partum depression after my sister. I know it was really, really hard. A 15 year unfuctioning marriage with my stepfather didn't help it. It is taboo, and especially for mothers, to not love their children right away and all the time, and still it happens. And I imagine it feels pretty shitty. It feels pretty shitty to the children, too. So OP, I'm not judging you. However, I recommend you get help. My mom has finally, after breaking up with my stepdad and moving away where she works, learned to love, appreciate and properly raise me and my sister. We only see her weekends, but we keep in touch and when we do meet, it's wonderful. I have never been as happy.

There is hope for you. Whatever is preventing you from loving your children, can be worked around. So get counseling and try. For your and your children's sake.

So if you have kids because you genuinely want them and then realize it's not all sunshine and rainbows and cute well behaved kids who grow to be the apple of your eye. Then what? Had kids, got major clinical depression as diagnosed by a reproductive psychiatrist no less. Took the drugs, had counselling, both clinical and new age touchy feely stuff. Navel gazed for years struggling with the fact that, yes I love my kids as best I can, but it's doesn't always come naturally, it's been a struggle and if I had my time again I wouldn't have them. Never mind the shit I had to go through to get them, multiple miscarriages etc. And I keep that crap to myself ( and my husband, thank God) because of the judgmental bullshit other people feel free to dump on women to whom motherhood is a confusing and challenging experience. And the whole kids pick up on negative feelings stuff, yeah well, welcome to the human race. Good luck OP, I feel for ya!

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