fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2420 ]

[ SECRET POST #2420 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2420 ⌋

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My dad just confided in me the last time my sister went to the doctor's, she was at 213 pounds. This is the heaviest she has ever been in her life. She's always been a big, tall, curvy girl, but lately it seems like she's given up on trying to get down to a healthy weight. She just ate and ate while she was at college this year from stress, and spent the whole summer vegging around the house instead of trying to do anything productive.

I understand she's got low self-esteem and I try to be supportive without being judgmental. Being her older sister, and being much thinner (we have two completely different bodytypes), I feel like trying to tell her to do anything is almost hypocritical and will just make her feel even worse. I'm starting to get really scared for her. High blood pressure, heart problems, and diabetes run in our family. She's only 19 and I don't want her to end up with a health problem that is going to last for the rest of her life. It is just so hard, when I walk in the kitchen and see her eating fucking pepperonis right out of the package for a snack, when we've got about ten other healthy things she could get for a snack. I had to fight tooth and nail just to get her to pick up a peach instead.

Sorry for this vent, it's just I am so tired of her mindset. It's like she wants a magic wand to be waved so she can lost twenty pounds instantly. She's going back to school in two weeks and I'm afraid she's going to get even heavier while she's there.

Are you really sure that your concern is solely with your sister's health?

Because it really doesn't sound as if your concern is solely with your sisters health. It sounds like your concern is that she's too fat, and it's just unacceptable to you.

There's a difference between "ew fat" and "health problems."

Yes, it's good to accept people for who they are. But it's also good to try and be healthy. While you can be overweight and healthy (as well as very thin and healthy), From what anon said, this isn't such a case.

Mm...A couple things: 1. What she eats is her choice. No matter how worried you are about her, trying to police what she eats isn't cool [and frankly, is more likely to backfire than anything]. You need to respect that she has the right to make those choices even if you disagree with them. That's generally part of loving people *and* part of being there for them, as much as it can suck.

From what you've said it sounds like you're trying to force your prefernces for what she eats down her throat ["I had to fight tooth and nail to get her..."] instead of backing off and letting her make her own choices. She may be your younger sister, but she's also old enough to make her own choices without someone trying to force different ones on her.

2. You seem to focusing more on her *weight* than her health. It is actually possible to be pretty healthy and be overweight - the majority of my mother's family. Yes, you have nasty things running in your family, and I'm not saying your worry isn't warranted...but that your focus on your sisters weight comes across as...a little much.

Also, your dad really shouldn't have told you that [nor should the doctor have told *him* that.]

Is it possible she has depression?

Just want to add, maybe you could help in terms of providing structured mealtimes? Rather than trying to tell her what to eat (which can backfire), you could try to make sure that there's one or two shared, sit-down meals a day that involve vegetables and which your sister will enjoy eating. It's a fuck of a lot of work if no one else wants to chip in too, though. :/

Da

I'm going to be honest, that sounds about as controlling as trying to decide what her sister eats.

Tbh, most of the OP's post smacks of being controlling and concern troll-y between the focus on her sisters weight, and the fact she feels the need to decide how her sister eats/force her to eat what she thinks she should.

...? How is making a meal of food your younger relative would like and inviting them to it 'controlling'?

(Also, I thought OP was concerned not so much about weight as sudden weight gain, which can be a huge red flag medically for any number of reasons, including depression/binge eating disorder. She specifically said her sister hadn't been as fat previously.)

DA. She also said her sister has been away at school and has been stressed and that is when the gain happened... so it might not be a red flag as much as it's just a common thing that happens when people go to college. And even if it is a red flag, fighting with someone to eat a peach is just not the right reaction to it.

I don't think your meal plan is bad but it'd really depend on their relationship and how it could be approached, but I agree with other anon that OP came off as a bit of a concern troll and doesn't seem to really understand what their sister is going through.

AYRT

It can be, but by the same token it was noted that her sister had been stressed plus the focus on *what* her sister was eating, and 'fighting to get her to eat a peach' comes off very well...'Do I want you to do!' Particularly when she 'just walked into the kitchen' before doing it. There's also very much an air of 'I must make her eat healthier!' to the whole post that rubs me wrong.

It just smacks of the exact type of behavior I've had to deal with when I lived with family who was controlling [and yeah. Hits the red flags I learned from them for that behavior].

[And I'm well aware it can be a symptom - I've actually had to deal with that symptom before. I don't take issue with that part, but with the OP's behavior/the way the OP seems to be reacting with.]

Yeah, I think telling people what not to eat is pretty unhelpful when really, just about ANYTHING can fit in a balanced diet, so I figured adding some supportive elements like regular mealtimes and fresh veg is always way more useful than attempting to take anything away.

...And you just completely ignored their point about controlling behavior - which is a pretty damn big red flag, if you're going to talk about those.

Not referencing every line of a comment is not an indication that it's been ignored, anon.

Maybe a possible solution is to get her to start seeing a therapist? She sounds like she might be dealing with some issues, possibly depression. Or even an eating disorder (overeating is a real thing). If it's an option, talking to an outside source could be a real help for her.

How tall is she? 213 pounds is actually not that huge depending on how tall a person is.

Is she educated about health? Is she depressed? Is she stressed? Are you truly supportive or are you contributing to her poor self esteem? Fighting tooth and nail to get her to eat a peach doesn't sound supportive to me, I honestly feel like you are watching everything she puts in her mouth, and if she's not an idiot, she's probably picking up on that.

A lot of 19 year olds eat poorly, school is stressful and it's often easier to eat quick over healthy. It's also the age where people really experiment with eating how they want (away from parents) and are still young enough that the bad food make them gain, but it won't actively hurt their body like it does when you're old.

I say leave her be for the most part, try helping her build her self esteem. When you're around try doing physical and fun activities with her (emphasis on the fun, don't just try to force her to go for a run.) If you suspect she's depressed or stressed, talk to her about it.

People with low self esteem do not do good things for themselves, so you really need to tread carefully with this. Add to the fact that you're thin and her sister there is a high probability that you could come off condescending if you're not careful.

And again, please, please do not monitor what she eats. She probably should eat healthier but SHE is the one who needs to monitor it, not you. And remember there is no harm in having a bad snack every once in a while.

Dude, she isn't gaining weight to spite you. I understand about stress-eating, and how stress and being ashamed can lead to depression and giving up on the things you need to do to be healthy because guess what? The stuff you need to do to be healthy is HARD. Much harder than simply eating fruit instead of junk food, BTW.

You know what causes more stress and shame? Having family members harangue you about how fat you are and how you're not trying hard enough to be skinny. The fact that you and your father are discussing her weight is just... jesus. Just stop. Please. If you want to help your sister, shaming her for being fat and lazy and nagging her about her diet is the very worst thing you can do. It isn't just judgmental, it's counterproductive as well. I 100% guarantee you that no fat person has ever gone, welp, my family thinks I'm disgusting and apathetic, I guess I'll put down this box of Ho-Hos and have some celery, then hit the gym.

And let me stress: It doesn't matter if you're technically correct or not. It just doesn't. Maybe you're right, your sister is a lazyass lardbutt who plans to eat herself into an early grave. If you want her to be miserable as well as unhealthy, keep fighting "tooth and nail" and be sure to let her know you're watching (and disapproving of) every single calorie that goes into her mouth.

Alternatively, consider trying to help her with the stress of school and whatever else is troubling her. Attack the cause, not the symptoms. Let her know that you love her and that you're on her side no matter what, and please, please PLEASE don't make her feel ashamed for being overweight or treat her like she's too dumb to realize that her lifestyle is unhealthy.

+1 To all of this. Family members can do real damage even if they are trying to "help". I was subjected to a Mother who constantly told me I could wear something if I'd just "loose a little weight" and was totally fine with me skipping meals. It did not make me skinny, it gave me an eating disorder and made me hate myself.

The most amount of weight loss I've ever achieved happened when people left me alone about my weight and I came to my own realizations about what health and diet would work for me. I still have struggles because I suffer from clinical depression and the damage of me hating myself has already been done, but this is why I am very supportive of being more concerned with building self esteem then being obsessed with what a person weighs. I think if I had better self esteem I'd treat myself a lot better then I do.

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[ SECRET POST #2420 ]

Just need to vent about my sister.....

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