fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2510 ]

[ SECRET POST #2510 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2510 ⌋

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I've sort of run into a moral quandary regarding my family, and it's bothering me a lot more than I care to consider.

My birth mother died when I was nearly a year old. She had a substance abuse problem, and it killed her. I was given to family to be raised, and I stayed with them ever since.

My birth mother wasn't a saint. She neglected me, and her treatment of me gave me a whole lot of problems growing up. I feel guilty for having inflicted my problems on my adoptive family, and resentful of my birth mother for having done that to me.

But the sad part is, I still love her. I smell cigarette smoke, and feel instantly comforted because that smell was what I associated my birth mother with. And I feel bad, because she's dead, but everyone left her when she was alive. Just as they abandoned her in life-- her mother, father, her husband-- they abandoned her in death.

I've never once been to her grave, and I think she lays somewhere completely forgotten. I know my grandmother doesn't visit her, nor my birth father. And it makes me feel so guilty, that she's all alone somewhere.

If I hadn't been born, she would probably still be alive. I was a stressful baby because I had fetal alcohol effect, and it would be a lot for anyone to handle, let alone someone with drug problems. I feel guilty for being alive, because it cost my mother her life.

I like to think that I've made the best of the chance I got-- I clawed my way through higher education to get a better standard of living. But I still feel bad that in order to get that chance, she had to die.

I don't even know where she's buried. I just... I really don't know how to put this in perspective, or how to feel better about this, because I just feel rotten and it all sucks.

*Hugs* It's not your fault she died. I'm very sorry she did, but her problems were hers.

I'm sure there are ways to find her grave. You can look it up online, or talk to a family member you think might be willing. Did she have siblings you sense she was close with? Friends?

OP

*hugs* thank you

See, I want to believe that her problems were hers, but I know from experience growing up with the developmental disorders from the alcohol that sometimes you just can't get through shit by yourself, and you need people to help you even when you are a total shithead. And she didn't have that in her life. She didn't have a family or extended network to support her, and I feel so bad that she never had that chance. And I have to acknowledge my part in contributing to her problems.

I could probably ask my adoptive parents where she is, but... it's just too weird and awkward. They knew her much better than I did, and they really weren't fond of the way she lived or how she treated me as an infant.

She was Catholic, and she made sure to get me baptized. Maybe even if I can't find where she is, I can go light a candle for her. She probably would have liked that. I just want someone to remember her with love, instead of disgust or guilt, because no matter what she did, I still love her because she was my mother.

Just a suggestion, if you can't find your mother's grave, maybe you should find something that you can do, and that might make you feel better? I mean, pick something to concretely do, to give yourself closure. Whatever that thing is, it would have to be something meaningful to you. Make up a ceremony (does not even have to be an actual religious ceremony, even do something silly, if it makes you feel good), then just say to yourself, once this thing that you're going to do is done, you can go on.

Does that make sense? I don't mean like dress up in a costume and wail in the streets or anything (altho you could do that too I guess) but frex, plant a tree with a plaque with your birth mother's name on it, that you can visit. Or even just plant a tree, whether or not you'll visit it again. Or plant a flower, or light a candle, or draw a picture.

...and if you just wanted to vent, and didn't want unsolicited advice, I apologize.

OP

No no not at all, this actually helped me a lot, thank you so much for saying something.

I had been thinking of lighting a candle for her or something, but I also like the idea of planting something for her. I would just like to have something in the world from someone else that is a token of love for her, rather than the residual feelings of guilt or disgust.

Because no matter how messed up she was as a person, there was still someone who loved her more than anything in the world, and that person was me, because she was my mom. And if nothing else, I would like to leave a little something of my love in the universe for her.

Thank you for the ideas, this made me feel a lot better.

ayrt

Aaaawww, you sound like such a sweet/good kid, OP. What you said gives me hope for the world. :-)

Whatever you decide to do, to make your feelings tangible/real in the world, I hope it does bring you a sense of completeness/fulfillment/peace.

"If I hadn't been born, she would probably still be alive. I was a stressful baby because I had fetal alcohol effect, and it would be a lot for anyone to handle, let alone someone with drug problems. I feel guilty for being alive, because it cost my mother her life."

First off, no. You didn't cause your mother's pregnancy, you didn't force her to give birth to you. She and your birth father are the ones who are responsible for her getting pregnant, not the helpless baby she gave birth to.

Yes, it was undoubtedly hard for her but, you know what? You didn't cause any of those problems. And you can't take responsibility for her not being alive because she'd 'probaby' still be alive if you hadn't been born. Even if that's true, it's not your fault. Honestly, Nonny, believe me on that. It's not your fault.

Do yourself a favour and remind yourself of that morning and night until you believe it.

It's good that you still love your mother and want something to mark that love, but blaming yourself isn't a good thing. If your mother loved you, do you really think she'd want you to go through that? Hell, no. She'd want you to live your life and be the best person you can possibly be.

Like others have suggested plant a tree or something for her. I hope you find it helps you feel better about how things have turned out.

Take care of yourself, Nonny. ::sends hugs and good vibes::

Your birth mother's death is NOT your fault. You didn't ask to be conceived; she made the choice to keep the pregnancy and have you.

Try to remember that there's one huge thing that you do for her -- you remember her fondly. You love her. It sounds like she didn't have a great relationship with the rest of her family, so that's worth something in itself.

Other people have suggested planting trees for her and such; another idea, if you have the means, is to make a donation in her name -- maybe to a substance abuse recovery program, or to a cause associated with something she liked. Either way, I hope you can let go of the guilt you're feeling, because nothing that happened to her is actually your fault. *hugs if wanted*

I'd just like to say, it's not your fault you were born, and it's most definitely not your fault you were born with fetal alcohol syndrome. That is on her, and if she couldn't refrain from excessive alcohol (and probably other shit too) during her pregnancy then she probably would have died of substance abuse even if you hadn't come along. So don't feel guilty, you didn't do anything wrong!

That said, it is completely fine to love her and miss her and be sad about how she died. That's totally normal! I bet there is some way to search for people who have died and find out where they are buried. No idea how or where you could start looking, but the internet is vast and holds lots of information, you could well find it out. Good luck!

She didn't die "because of you". She died because of her choices.

This isn't to try to be a jerk, and I completely understand you loving her and wanting to remember her because she's your mom.

I'm just saying you have absolutely zero to feel guilty about.

OP, you can't blame yourself. Even adults can't always help someone who is overwhelmed with life's trials and can't seem to stop doing terrible, self-destructive things, and you were just a tiny baby. I'm sure that however sad and difficult her life was, your mother hoped for better things for you--and quite possibly, that was one of the few bright spots in her life. Imagine how proud and happy your accomplishments would have made her.

It seems very sad to forget about someone, to write them off in death to the point of never visiting their grave if it's in your power to do so--to me, only people who are the very worst to you would warrant that. But part of that is because I've always lived in the same town where my relatives are buried, and my family has always visited their graves and told stories about them, till I almost felt I knew my dead grandparents even though I had never met them. And our church has its rituals to commemorate the anniversaries of their deaths. It has always made me feel that the dead relatives are as much a part of the family's life as the living ones.

Do you think your grandparents would tell you where to find your mom's grave (assuming you still have contact with them)--or at least give you some information to get you started? Also, I've never tried findagrave.com, but that might be a place to look.

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