fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2558 ]

[ SECRET POST #2558 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2558 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

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03.

[Frozen]

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04.

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05.

[Cabin in the Woods]

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06.

[Trailer Park Boys]

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07. [posted twice]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

08. [SPOILERS for Elementary]

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09. [SPOILERS for Zelda comic]

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10. [SPOILERS for Breaking Bad]

[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [SPOILERS for Dan and Mab's Furry Adventures]
[WARNING for suicide]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #364.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ], [ 1 - take it to comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Have you ever noticed how dehumanizing it can be to get old? My grandmother, who turns (with the help of God) 86 tomorrow had a fall a couple of days ago. It was a soft fall but she hurt her knee and needed constant assistance for a day or two.

And suddenly anyone who hears about it has an opinion. Oh she should go to the hospital of course of course just in case even if it doesn't look too bad, forgetting that in the US, since my grandmother worked for a living for 15 years, she gets nowhere near the amount of benefits as her fellow immigrants who never worked a day here in their lives. The ambulance costs $200; the inevitable hospital stay is not cheap at all either. She's not eligible for non-emergency medical transport (again, perk of not working) and she can barely stand, much less get in a car.

And yes I know it would still be a better idea to take her to the hospital despite all these problems, but what bothers me even more is how the second she fell she stopped being a person and started being "an old person who fell". No one will listen that she doesn't feel that the injury is bad enough to warrant the hospital, or that staying in the hospital wears her down so badly it takes her days and days to recover. She's got all her mental faculties still, but no one outside the immediate family wants to listen, because once you hit "a certain age", your opinion no longer counts.

God I'm scared of growing old and having choices taken away from me just because I'm old. I see it every day, as I work with seniors. I thought that was supposed to be left behind with childhood, for shit's sake.

/rant

(Also, I want to add that my grandmother is doing a lot better now. First few days were rough and now she still has trouble putting weight on her leg so she still needs some assistance, but otherwise she feels fine.)

Impending immigration wank notwithstanding, an 86 year old woman who fell and hurt her knee should definitely be seen by a doctor, even if she feels fine.

Case in point. ^

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 00:53 (UTC) - Expand

I'm sorry to hear that about your grandmother. Glad to hear she's doing better at least. Mine fell and cracked a vertebrae and she's still recovering from her hospital day and relearning how to walk on her own. She uses a cane and walker mostly now.

Another friend's grandmother fell and hit her head and they aren't sure if she fell because of a brain injury or she injured herself when she fell, but she hasn't been the same since. She's been argumentative and not remembering simple things.

It's hard getting old and harder still for us to watch relatives go through it. I think a big difference is generational. My grandparents didn't watch their parents get this old and go through so much the way we are today. People are living longer, but what about their quality of life?

Sorry, I'm pretty passionate on this subject too because I've been watching old relatives all my life.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother and hope she'll be healing really quickly!

The last bad fall my grandmother had, we of course took her to the hospital, she had a broken arm. But this was not the case this time and we had to weigh the pros and cons of calling an ambulance (I didn't make it clear originally; there's literally no way to bring her back home afterwards when they've given her an x-ray and some advil), and my grandmother called the shots there. It seems so very wrong to take away her choices when she's fully capable of making them.

(Also we called an NP and knew that if her knee got any worse over the first night we needed to bring her in to be seen. We are not completely incompetent.)

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

shortysc22 - 2014-01-04 01:01 (UTC) - Expand

I agree with you (and I'm sorry your grandmother got hurt) but I really don't know why it was necessary to get that illegal immigration welfare queens dig in there.

Cause everybody giving the advice is on this welfare or has parents on this welfare. And they're not illegal, actually, they just came here too late to start working so went straight to SSI. My grandmother was just a little peppier than most and was trained in English, so she worked for a while. And now she's paying for it.

No, if her leg is still hurting that bad, she needs to go to the doctor. If it was a 40 year old who had that happen (and it still hurt days later), I would tell them to get it checked out.

Sorry if you don't understand that older people are generally more fragile.

Hell, I'm 30 and still feeling the effects of a "minor" knee injury that happened seven months ago and for which I did get medical help and physical therapy. Knees are fragile things.

It actually *isn't* hurting that bad, but because she's fragile and old, we understand that it'll take longer to heal.

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:11 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:20 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:30 (UTC) - Expand

Uhm, your grandmother should qualify for medicare and medicade.

Just the bare bones.

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:36 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:55 (UTC) - Expand

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother, and I hope that she's okay.

Though, honestly? There are a lot of groups that get that treatment (dehumanization, I mean) and everyone does it sometimes. It always sucks.

I hear you. My uncle is severely disabled, his wife has heart problems, and they both have learning difficulties. My aunt (his sister) was going on and on about how they should go into a nursing home. They don't want to. They have carers and social workers and home adaptations; they're doing well in their own home. It wasn't until I pointed out that it's none of her business that she shut up about it. She doesn't look after them or help out in any way - she doesn't even see them more than once a year or so. If there's a problem and a family member needs to step in, their eldest brother deals with it. It honestly has nothing to do with her in practical terms. But, because she's convinced she always knows better, she'd decided they should go into a home and that should be it.

She's said the same about her father. He's elderly, but his wife, step-daughter and nephew are looking after him. She just thinks their opinions don't matter and he'd be better off in a nursing home, despite what all of them want.

She's said the same to me because I'm physically disabled, despite the fact I'm far too young for a nursing home. Once you become chronically ill or elderly, your opinions don't matter and everyone else wants to have their say-so over your life.

Ugh. And isn't it always the one family member who doesn't actually spend any time with the person in question that always has the "best ideas"? My Dad got left with his mom with no help from his older brother and got a call every now and then about how he wasn't taking care of her well enough. Same thing happened with my grandmother who was taking care of her own mother and her older sister would show up once a year saying that the mother was being mistreated. My older sister moved out and my parents are aging (and I do intend to be their caregiver as long as I can feasibly do it) and I'm already getting some of this bullshit. They're not even retired!

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

misty_anon - 2014-01-04 01:26 (UTC) - Expand

Honestly her age does kind of matter here. My 92 year old grandma took a fall last year and she was kept in the hospital for 24 hours to keep an eye on her in case she'd rattled her brain or anything. A 30 year old falling is not a big deal, an elder person falling is a big deal because they're more fragile, so people will be paying more attention.

I understand it costs too much in the US for you and it's good you're all keeping an eye on her after the fall, but it is understandable people will be concerned and suggest the hospital or doctor. I wouldn't qualify that (people disagreeing and wanting her to see a doctor) as dehumanising her and I'd hope that when I get older people would have the same concerns for me (especially in my case, I've a horrible habit of not seeing a doc when I really should).

I'm glad to hear she's doing better though, I hope her leg recovers. (5 days though is very slow recovery time, so you're getting my concerned opinion that if she doesn't pick up in another few days to try to see a doctor of some kind D: idk how US works but are there free walk in doctors or something, just to check her leg is fine?)

Edited 2014-01-04 01:03 (UTC)

What bugs me most is the idea that old people are "so cute!" for doing basic adult shit.

They're married! That's so cute!

She has an opinion! That's so cute!

He's wearing clothing that isn't a hospital gown! That's so cute!

Edited 2014-01-04 01:13 (UTC)

Honestly, I have a grandmother who lives with me and is emotionally abusive to me on an everyday basis, yet when I try talking about this with people outside my family, even my old therapist, everyone is like "That sweet little old lady? You're not serious, are you?"

The lady is racist (makes very rude comments about African and Asian races when she herself is Hispanic), incredibly stubborn (you can never argue with her about anything; she HAS to win the argument), and insensitive of other's feelings (calls her own grandson fat when he has an eating disorder), but everyone unrelated to her is just like "Oh, she's just so cute." Yeah, see if you think that when you're related to her.

I ENVY anyone who has one of those stereotypical "bakes cookies and knits you sweaters" grandmothers.

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:29 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

chardmonster - 2014-01-04 01:33 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:37 (UTC) - Expand

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chardmonster - 2014-01-04 01:40 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:51 (UTC) - Expand

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chardmonster - 2014-01-04 02:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 02:14 (UTC) - Expand

AT LAST MY ASCENCION

insanenoodlyguy - 2014-01-04 03:48 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 05:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:37 (UTC) - Expand

is it okay to find some individual old people cute the same way I find other individuals cute?

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

chardmonster - 2014-01-04 01:32 (UTC) - Expand

I find old couples adorable, but more in a "you two have been in love for so long and going on strong" way.

(or a "yay you found love again"!)

Or maybe I just like seeing people in love and happy haha. Working couples are cute.

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 01:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

herpymcderp - 2014-01-04 02:20 (UTC) - Expand

Wow, gotta disagree here. My mom fell a couple years ago (she was 78), and insisted it was all fine, no big, her whole upper arm was black with bruising but no, no, she's fine.

A month later, still bruised and in pain, she finally sees a doctor and - shocker! She broke her arm when she fell. That's what *happens* sometimes to older people who fall - bones break, or joints get messed up and it can become a *huge* issue later, if it's not treated now.

My mom hates going to the doctor and resists going all the time, but last time she was in the hospital she was so dehydrated she was tenting and needed an IV. And this with my sister taking care of her and *forcing* her to drink the miniscule amounts of liquid she'd drink 'cause she was so dizzy/sick.

So, yeah - the 'i'm fine i'm fine' i can sympathize with, but i don't agree that it's 'fine' to just ignore ongoing health issues.

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

insanenoodlyguy - 2014-01-04 03:50 (UTC) - Expand

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tabaqui - 2014-01-04 04:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: A Little Bit Inspired by Secret 1

(Anonymous) - 2014-01-04 23:12 (UTC) - Expand

She is an old person who fell. Elderly people have more brittle bones and more brittle bodies in general. Even a "soft fall" can cause serious injury to a elderly person as compared to a younger person. People should have an opinion about taking her to doctor because that's the correct course of action. Whether or not its feasible is up to her to decide. Obviously, in your case, your grandmother is still able to make her own choices and thus decided not go to the hospital. So, no, I will not commiserate with you regarding people tell you the correct thing to do and your family choosing not to do it.

i get where you are coming from (on account of the money and, yeah, come on, your grandma is still a thinking being), but once i fell on my knee when i was younger and it didn't hurt that much and i only got a tiny cut, i could walk fine, etc.

my parents insisted i got x-rays and it turned out it was a fracture whoops

and old people's bones are more fragile, it has nothing to do with how well they know their body

As other people have said, people advising your grandmother to go to the hospital isn't dehumanising her, it's good and sound advice. My aunt in her 70s and my sister in her 20s both had falls that they couldn't walk on for a few days afterwards, and my (and everyone's) advice for both of them was to go to the doctor ASAP. And it was worth it - it turned out my sister had an underlying issue in her foot she had to get orthopedics for, and my aunt had a specific kind of break in her ankle which she was advised specifically not to put weight on. I.e., If they'd gone on without visiting the doctor both of their injuries would have got significantly worse.

You talk about how depressing it is that people are trying to make choices for your grandmother like a child, but the choice she has made not to go to hospital has meant that she is completely reliant on her family to look after her until she can walk properly again - like a child. I don't see how the latter is a better option if you are interested in your grandmother's continuing autonomy, especially if her injury turns out to be quite serious.

I understand that it is difficult for your grandmother to go to hospital. But that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be the best thing for her to do. If she definitely can't go because of financial restraints, that is unfortunate and I am sorry. But that does not change the fact that I do not see this particular situation as an example of the dehumanisation of the elderly,

Frankly, no.

It's not dehumanising to tell people they should get medical attention. The way people go about it is another thing altogether.

If my grandmother had any kind of accident and was either in pain or unable to look after herself, I would ask her if she wanted to go to hospital or her GP. If she didn't want to go to hospital, I would make an urgent appointment with her GP, and he usually gives her instructions to get an x-ray due to her history.

She never actually wants medical attention for anything. Ever. She sat around with a broken arm for a week once before she went to the doctor because she didn't want to bother anybody.

We're family. She would make me see a doctor if I didn't want to go. I'm not going to handle her with the kid gloves just because she's old and fragile. That would be dehumanising.

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