[ SECRET POST #2606 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2606 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 021 secrets from Secret Submission Post #372.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry F!S, just need to vent.

I'm the anon from a while back who had the argument about board games with her bf.

So, completely separately of that, my mother caught wind of the fact we were fighting and went all: Well that's because your relationship isn't GOING ANYWHERE.

Meaning, that because we don't intend to get married, or have kids, and are not currently planning to shack up, we're not going anywhere and we're inevitably going to end in failure.

And the thing is, my mom's usually cool about this, but I wonder now if deep down this is how she really feels.

And this, F!S, is why I fundamentally hate the whole concept of relationships. I mean, I have loved individual people over the years, but I hate the societal bullshit and expectations that come with it.

Completely unrelated to the fact of whether or not this relationship will last or not, I'll likely will be hearing this shit all my life, from people who are supposed to have my back.

Grr. Sorry for the rant.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

Ugh, I get that. My parents are generally laid back about relationships but the whole idea of staying together and not planning to ever get married completely baffles them. They do the whole "what's the point?" It can be incredibly frustrating. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[shortysc22]

I'm sorry to hear that your parents are like that. Mine are pretty chill, but I think that's more because they're neutral on my sister's boyfriend and my brother's girlfriend so they're not really planning the long term with either of them.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

Ugh, I feel you, anon. Let me vent with you: my relationship is not going anywhere, it *never* will go anywhere (except if it ends, obviously) and that's just fine, thank you.

Try to do your own thing, anon, and don't take this shit with your head down.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[inkdust]

Dumb. I hope your relationship continues just as you want it to be.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

I can somewhat relate to this. My mother has a terrible relationship with her boyfriend, but she hounds at mine for the slightest grievance. Her boyfriend has been verbally (and once physically) abusive to her, calling her "ugly", "fat", and all sorts of horrible things. I have tried over the years to talk to her about getting help and getting time away from him, but it's like pulling teeth.

In contrast, I have dated people who have been the complete opposite of her relationship. They might not have a lot of money or may be a bit ditsy, but I have always been treated well and with respect by my partners. Yet my mother will get on my partners for things like not treating me to a fancy restaurant on a weekend or something equally as trivial. And it can be exhausting trying to justify to her the stability of my current long term relationship with this great guy I'm with.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Oh lord, that sound similar. Not the shitty bf, because my parents have been married for like 40 years, but the whole not treating you to a fancy restaurant and stuff like that is exactly something my mum would
pick on.

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know if your mom does this or not, but my boyfriend is also heavily into gaming, and when my mom picked up on that she told me he's just a boy and that I should go find someone more mature. Even though I am also just as much into gaming as my boyfriend is, which is why he and I can get along so well. My boyfriend is mature where it counts, such as following through with his promises, being respectful, being supportive, and always stepping up to the plate when there's an issue. But trying to talk about this with my mother leads to nowhere because he's into games and games are for children.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but...I think your mother might be trying to justify the treatment she receives in her own relationship by finding things to criticize about your own. I think that it's less the "where is this going" thing and more the "what I'm experiencing isn't so bad, just look at [x,y,z]" thing.

Keep offering her your support. I hope that some day she's ready to take it.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

Nah, you're fine. I honestly suspected that too. She also tends to project onto me quite often, so she doesn't understand why I might decide to do something she wouldn't and vice versa.

She's in counseling right now, after years of trying to talk her into going. But I still think she needs at the very least couples therapy. She relies on me a lot, to the point where she has called me 60 times in an hour and can't be in the house alone and needs me to stay with her when she is. She even told me she I was abandoning her by leaving for another state with my boyfriend. I love my mother and I don't mind supporting her right now, but I'm leaving the state soon and I can't always rush to her when she needs something.

I kind of just needed to vent about it. :/

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[starphotographs]

I kind of hate how people think couples are just kid factories or something. Sometimes two people are *gasp* happy together, and a baby would actually be a third wheel.

My SO's sisters are always making jokes about us having kids, and we just get like, this look of silent horror. D:

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Going to visit his dad this weekend. Guy m

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

I accidentally a button!

Guy has produced 6 kids. I seriously hope there will be no third degree about babies, because I just have a low tolerance for it right now.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[elaminator]

It's dumb. If you're happy with your relationship then your parents should be happy too, but this is a common problem and I'm not sure it'll change anytime soon. :(

Sorry. Maybe eventually she'll realize that as long as you like your life nothing has to change, and it isn't weird for you to not want 'something more'.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[chardmonster]

Look, I'm going to be honest.

This is a much, much smaller problem than the fact that you are dating someone who accused you of leading him on about board games you promise breaker

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

This is a very good point.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

Look, I read your arguments in the other thread, and I get your perspective, but I'm not going to throw in the towel on a six year relationship over a stupid fight, no matter how petty it was. I like you, Chard, but I've noticed a trend that on the internet people are just very quick to advise you to dump someone in general. Also I'm not exactly known for being attracted to emotional maturity.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[chardmonster]

I understand. I'm saying it's a problem, not that it's an unfixable problem.

But seriously, you keep doing this:

Also I'm not exactly known for being attracted to emotional maturity.

STOP SAYING YOU DON'T DESERVE BETTER! You keep saying "hey this guy is being awful to me but I'm a flawed human being, like everyone else so it's okay that he treats me like shit." This is WORRISOME, PROMISE BREAKER ANON. Please stop thinking like this.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

Yep, this. Your mother might be wrong to say the relationship isn't going anywhere because it isn't conspicuously leading to marriage, but she's mainly wrong about the "because". The relationship isn't going places because one of the people in it is incredibly immature and throws tantrums when his girlfriend "leads him on" about BOARD GAMES.

Chard's right. Yes, this was a stupid fight, but treating it like an isolated incident that doesn't have a troubling issue (the BF's immaturity and hang-ups about board games = infidelity) at the root of it is... well, "wishful thinking" is the kindest way I can describe it.

Saying, "But I'm immature too!" isn't a good excuse. Your faults are your faults, and you know if it's something you need to work on. It doesn't mean your boyfriend gets a free pass for all his faults. You're not perfect, but you deserve better than some dude who goes haywire at you because you dared to have fun with somebody else. I hope you realize that, OP.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

Also I'm not exactly known for being attracted to emotional maturity.

Wait, you're saying you look for whining, passive-aggression, self-centeredness, untrustworthiness, and a complete lack of perspective in a boyfriend?

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[nyxelestia]

*hugs*

I hate when this happens with relationships. Sometimes, I just like how the relationship is now and enjoy it as is and I do not want it to change. No, marriage is not a step up, it's a step down for us!

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel you, anon. Relationships are always supposed to have some sort of "endgame," and everyone and their mother is more than happy to remind you of that.

Why? Why can't a relationship just be about two people enjoying one another and having a good time for as long as it lasts? Why does it have to be attached to some goal? People get so weird about this. I mean, there are people freaking out about the fact that fewer Americans are marrying, acting like it's some sort of huge crisis, and I'm like...why do you even care? If you dig marriage, then get married, and stop worrying about everyone else.

I'm married because it's what my SO and I wanted. But a) not everyone wants that, and that's okay; and b) relationships don't have to "go anywhere." I don't have any regrets about the relationships I had that were just for shits and giggles. In fact, I remember them fondly.

I guess what I'm saying is that I get your frustration, anon, and I think people are stupid and should get off your back.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't understand other people doing that either. When I told my friend about an acquaintance I liked she told me, "he's Jewish, right? Would you become Jewish if you married him?" and I was baffled why that was important because I'm not thinking how every relationship would turn into marriage.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[chardmonster]

Your friend's silly. Everyone knows you can't evolve into Jew without going to Celadon Department Store and buying a Jew Stone. It has nothing to do with the marriage ceremony.

Re: Presumptions about relationships and their "purpose" really piss me off.

[(Anonymous)]

I can understand a couple wanting to have discussions about the nature of their relationship and whether they see a future together and what they want out of that future. What I don't understand is how marriage and kids constitutes "going somewhere." You get married... and then you still have the whole rest of your life ahead of you. Do you no longer have to think about your relationship and where it is "going?" The marriage wasn't any kind of "ending." You have kids... and you then have to spend years raising them while presumably still having a relationship and eventually they grow up and move out and then what? Is your relationship still going anywhere or has it already been everywhere it can and you just need to coast along until you die?

Marriage and children are more like processes than end goals. They are also things that people usually do less than halfway through their lives, which makes it especially odd to treat them like the ultimate goals of any relationship, as if the whole rest of your life and how your relationship fares over the course of it is unimportant.