fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2706 ]

[ SECRET POST #2706 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2706 ⌋

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Just a warning, this is probably going to be crazy long and rambling, I've been upset for the past several hours and I don't know where my brain is at right now.

Anyway, so. Almost 7 years ago I moved out of my parents' house and got an apartment. It was in a really nice part of town and although it was a little higher rent than I'd been counting on, I made it work, and up until now I've loved living here. But over the past almost 7 years the rent has gotten more and more expensive each year, and this year I found out it's going to be around $100 more a month. Given that it's already gone up considerably each year, it's going to be waaay out of my price range. It is in a nice area, and although the apartment itself is nice, it's not THAT nice to be worth what I would be paying, so I've already notified them that I will be leaving when my lease is up (you have to give them 60 days notice).

Now...I have no fucking clue where I'm going to be living in two months. My mom is all about owning a house and is trying to pressure me into buying one, my dad is trying to discourage me from buying a house because he's always preferred to rent, and I just have no idea what the hell to do. My dad didn't buy a house until he was in his 40s and my mom's constantly talking about what a loser he is because of it. He lived in a huge city before he married my mom and lived in apartments because it's more practical in a big city (now we all live in a more medium sized city, I'd say) but apparently that makes him a loser according to my mom. And my (younger) brother bought a house a couple years ago and has always looked down on me for renting. So I feel like there's just all this pressure on me to buy a house (except from my dad) but I don't know that that's what I want to do.

Before the insane price increase I've always loved living in my apartment. Some of my mom's side of the family is all like "oh, you're just throwing money away and getting nothing for it" but...I was paying for somewhere to live. I don't count that as nothing. And anytime there was any sort of issue, I called maintenance and they took care of it. I didn't have to deal with finding a good plumber/handyman/whatever, and I didn't have to pay for it. I also didn't have to take care of a yard. I've been perfectly happy.

But now...I don't know. All of the apartments I've checked out thus far either have awful reviews or are the same as what I would be paying if I stayed here ($100 more than I'm paying right now) or even more than that. According to my mom I could MAYBE find a house where my mortgage payment would be (slightly) less, but...then there'd be no more picking up the phone and having someone else take care of it when I had a problem. I would have to do it all myself, and I'm just not sure the tradeoff is worth it. Plus, to find a house cheap enough to where I'd have cheaper monthly payments, I'd have to either go way out into the suburbs or a sketchy borderline dangerous area, neither of which I want to do. I LOVE the area I live in now and it's close to everything but it definitely is a very expensive area and there's no way I'd be able to afford a house in this part of town. If I moved into the suburbs where I could find a more affordable house (and it was also a nice area and safe) I'd be driving much farther, and combined with all the maintenance I just really don't know that it's worth it.

Another suggestion I've gotten is to buy a condo, which would be good in that I wouldn't have to deal with taking care of a yard and I know there are people to fix stuff. But the way I see it, it kind of would have the worst parts of a house and apartment combined--I'd still have to pay for maintenance like I would if I bought a house and I also would have less privacy like an apartment (which is pretty much the only positive I can see of buying a house, I wouldn't have to worry about sharing walls with neighbors).

Over the past two days (I found out about all this stuff on Thursday and have been stressing out nonstop since then) I've "made up my mind" several times, only to go back to square one. At first I decided I didn't want a house and would just get another apartment but then I saw how expensive a lot of them were, like I mentioned above, and I was back to not knowing. Then I decided I needed to just buy a house and be done with it but started second guessing that because I think deep down it's not what I want and I'd only be doing it to make my mom happy but at the same time I feel like that's the only way I'm going to get what I really want.

My mom was talking all this stuff about starter homes and investments and buying a house and then selling it in a few years to buy a new one and just...that's not what I want. If I buy a house I want to live there the rest of my life. (Which is part of why if I do buy a house I want to make sure it's something I really, really like and will be ok with staying there forever, while my mom is acting like it isn't a big deal at all.) And my mom keeps telling me about how "most people" just buy a small house when they first get married and then buy a bigger one when they have kids so they have more space, or buy a bigger one when they get a higher paying job, and I feel like she's just trying to shame me almost because realistically I don't think either of those things will ever apply to me. I'm only in my late 20s so I guess some people think I'm young but I feel like I already know that I'm going to be a catless cat lady. I can't imagine getting married and having kids is ever going to be an option for me. And although I love my job, it's not something that's ever going to make me rich...I'm ok with that but I feel like I'm disappointing my mom.

I just feel so damn lost and confused right now. I just want a HOME. Even though the apartment I'm in now is nice I've never really felt like it was my home, it never could be. Home is synonymous with house and apartments are just for poor losers who can't afford to buy a house. Or at least that's what's been drilled into my head my whole life. I don't own it, so therefore it's not MINE and it can't be my home. And a condo is pretty much the same thing to a lesser extent. It's even worse almost because it still doesn't count as a real home but you have to pay for everything. The only way to actually have a REAL home is to buy a house.

I could probably find another apartment that's about the same as what I'm paying now, but I have no control, and there's nothing to stop them from just raising the rent more and more, until it gets to the point where I can't afford it anymore and I have to start all over again.

And that's where my head was at when I decided I needed to just buy a house and be done with it but my mom started telling me all this shit about how the process is soooooo stressful and they go through your bank account and want an explanation for every little thing you've bought and they might not approve you for a loan if you can't justify it and I just don't know that I feel like dealing with all that shit. But at the same time I don't want to have to move every year or every couple years because some apartment management company decides to raise my rent to some insane amount I can't afford.

On top of all that I'm supposed to get my period any day now and starting next week my work schedule is changing and I'm going to have super long hours and very little free time and I'd planned on spending this last weekend (I wasn't expecting to be in this situation because they told me last year that my rent would go up very little this year, I figured I'd renew my lease and everything would be fine) just hanging out and relaxing but here it is Saturday night and I've done nothing so far but stress and worry over finding somewhere to live and try to decide whether I need to buy a house or not (I have 2 months but my mom insists that that's not long enough and I need to decide right.this.second which is just making me feel even more stressed out and pressured).

I just want a real HOME and I'm not sure that that's ever going to happen and I'm pretty much hating my life right now. :(

Awww anon. *HUGS*

Finding somewhere to live is one of the most stressful tasks in life. I hope you find somewhere soon.

Thank you. :)

Well for me reading over this the big missing variable is your money situation. It sounds like you have enough to buy a starter home if buying a home is a viable option, but if that's the case one would think that you'd be able to afford rent on anything short of some sort of high-rise apartment and/or something that was smack dab in the middle of the city.

As for "solutions": Can you easily get a better paying job doing something similar/within the same field of work? Can you "do without" certain luxuries to make the new rent prices; can you ask why the prices are going up to see if this is the last for-seeable price hike? Is there really no decent price renting apartment place where you live that is still fairly comfortably within driving distance of your current job? That's all I got at the moment and from the information you've provided.

Honestly the whole "starter home" concept is something I don't even understand. I guess if a young married couple buys a house and then wants to sell it and buy a bigger one when they have kids, that makes sense. But given my situation I can't imagine a reason I'd ever want to sell my house if I bought one. At this point I feel settled in my career and I want to feel settled in a home. I'm just not the type of person who wants to have a bunch of different careers and live all over the world. I love my city and if I like a house enough to buy it I want to stay there. I mean, barring some crazy unforeseen circumstances, if I bought a house I'd want to live there forever.

The financial aspect is kind of hard to explain. I most likely have enough to buy a house if I want to get something in the suburbs, but not if I want something in the city (I'm *technically* outside the city limits now but I'm so close I might as well be in it, and the prices reflect that). In theory the apartments *should* be a lot cheaper outside the area I'm in now, but for example three of the different ones I looked at the other day were all around $200 more than I'm paying now, not in a great area and not nearly as nice as where I'm at now. Which makes ZERO sense, but apparently that's the way it is. (The place I'm at now is considered "luxury apartments" but pretty much everyone on the apartment rating sites agreed that even though they're really nice they're still way overpriced.)

I'm actually at the extreme high end for my field salary-wise so finding another job in the same field making more is basically impossible. I suppose I could try to get into another field but I'm not sure I want to go back to school and honestly I can't think of anything else that interests me.

I guess being completely objective I probably need to just give up certain things. At this point I'm kind of kicking myself and wishing I hadn't told the management of the place I'm living currently that I'm leaving (it was made very clear on the paperwork that I had to fill out that this decision is final and I can't change my mind). But they've got new management and everyone I've met has been horribly rude and seemed to have no clue what they were doing so it probably is for the best that I'm leaving, I just don't know what to do at this point.

The reason for the increase is apparently this whole new renting system that they've recently switched over to. It's kind of complicated, but the way it was explained to me is it's basically like airline tickets, it can go up or down depending on the day. I'd tried to find out earlier what the new prices were going to be but the new manager refused to give them to me until the last possible day so at that point I didn't really have any choice (if I'd been given any numbers earlier I could've kept checking back different days to see if they'd go down). Even though my neighbor renewed her lease on a different day and got a significantly cheaper price than I did, which I think is completely unfair. So considering all that, and the way the new management has been in general so far, I think it's probably a good thing to be leaving but at the same time I hate not knowing where I'm going to end up.

Of the four other places I've checked out, three were a lot higher and in a not so great area, and one would probably be fine (although it's in the suburbs which I'm not thrilled about) but a good amount higher than I'm paying now. It's on the same type of renting system though so the manager said there's a chance it'll go back down by the time I need it and she'd call me if it fell into my price range. But even if it ended up working out now, there's a good chance it'll go way up next year and I'll be in the same position I am now. I don't want to have to move every year or two. So considering that, it probably makes the most sense to buy a house, but like I said before, I'm not sure I can get a decently priced house in the city (or as close to it as I am now) and I don't know that I want to live in the suburbs with all the driving, plus I'm not sure that all the maintenance issues are something I want to deal with.

I just feel I don't have any good options at this point and it's seriously frustrating. :(

Is renting a house a viable option?

Also, houses cost lots and lots of money even after you buy them (even a brand new house). No matter how well built they are, there are always things that need doing and things going wrong. Yes, experience talking--my sister and I bought a house together.

It sounds like the idea of buying a house is really stressful...so maybe find another apartment for the time being (or a house)--and THEN investigate buying a house--do your research on mortgages, how much money should have to cover an unexpected issues, etc. (And tbh, unless you're mom's in banking, I wouldn't consider her a reliable source). Take time to really look at all your options instead of letting your mom pressure you into making a decision you might regret later.

Contact your financial institution and talk to someone about mortgages--maybe even check with a couple of other banks to make sure you're getting a good deal. (TBH, I'm in Canada and when sis and I went for our mortgage, all they did was a run a credit check and verify our income, they certainly didn't do a line by line review of our spending. I do realise rules vary from place to place.)

The thing to remember is that you do not have to buy a house or a condo RIGHT NOW. You can still rent. Take your time and make sure it's the right decision for YOU.

I'll wish you good luck with everything.

I'm not sure about renting a house but it's something I've thought about. My mom's friend manages a whole bunch of rental houses and I've left a message for her so hopefully she'll get back to me soon and might have some options for me.

I've thought of finding an apartment for another year and then that gives me a year to research buying a house and seeing what all it involves and decide if that's something I really want.

My mom is putting so much pressure on me that it's a decision I have to make RIGHT NOW but I really feel like I need to just step back and breathe for awhile before making any major decisions.

Anyway, thank you!

If you're living in the USA, they're not going to go over your bank account line by line when you apply for credit.

I dunno if that'll help ease some of the stress, but they usually just do a credit check and maybe they'll look over the balances of your accounts.

Thanks, that helps. Everyone else replying is saying the same thing, so I'm not sure where my mom got the idea that they do that.

Can you move in with a friend for a few months until you find something that better fits your needs? Put your things in storage or sell off what you don't need?

Also: stop talking to your mom about this or at least greatly limit discussion with her on this, she's not helping the situation for multiple reasons.

Unfortunately most of my friends are married when babies, and the ones that are still single are back living with their parents due to the economy so that isn't really an option.

I plan on it. My dad was unfortunately out of town this weekend but I plan on talking to him about it when he gets back. According to her I should ignore everything he says because he doesn't know what he's talking about but he makes a lot more sense than she does.

okay for real I don't have too much advice but I get the impression that your mother is not a useful part of this process atm

I second this. Your mother is delusional and your father is the one who acted wisely imo.

I think so too but she thinks it makes him a loser. I'm just going to try to stay away from her for awhile.

She's definitely not. I guess she means well and she THINKS she's helping but she's so focused on the way she was raised where if you don't own a house you're basically useless. I'm going to stay away from her for awhile and hopefully try to figure out what it is I want without her clouding my opinion.

Late late late reply but hopefully you are still checking the thread.

First of all DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES. Sounds like your mother is trying to pressure you, and thinks she has time on her side. This is a very bad thing. Your mother is from an older generation with a different mentality, that does not apply to the world the way it is today.

Secondly. YOUR MOTHER IS WRONG. She is a brainwashed sheep from the generation of people who think self-worth is tied up solely in how much stuff you "own" (even though YOU won't own a house, the bank will).

Real estate is a VERY BAD investment, unless you are able to afford an apartment building, and rent it out. There will ALWAYS be extra/hidden costs that the "Mortgage payment is soooo much cheaper than rent!" PR hacks/real estate agents WILL NOT tell you about. (Oh, yes, there is also the 3-5% real estate agent's commission, can't forget about that). DO ALL THE RESEARCH. Ask to see copies of six months' utilities bills (so you have a general idea of what summer vs. winter heating/power/water/gas costs will be.

Thirdly. Mortgages suck, and if you get trapped in one, the only way out is to sell your house. The problem with this? You will then be homeless. Mortgages were good, forty years ago, when people had a hope in hell of paying them off in their lifetimes, but these days, most houses LOSE equity, and end up being sold to cover the funeral costs of the former occupant (if they will even do that much).

IF you can find a house in your area that is in foreclosure/being sold by the bank, you may be able to purchase it with a Home Equity Line of Credit. Much better than a mortgage, because you can pay off huge chunks whenever you can/want, or just pay the interest only, which is usually very low (though this last step is highly unadvisable, because then you're basically in the same catch-22 you would be with a mortgage).

You've already acknowledged that you wouldn't be able to pick up the phone and have stuff fixed for free. In a home-owning situation (especially if you are a single homeowner), you definitely won't be able to have anything fixed for a small amount; factor in at least $500-$1500 a year for emergencies. If you can save up that much, great! If you crunch the numbers, and cannot at all afford anything like that after you work out a budget with all of your mortgage, property tax, utility bills, transportation costs, and grocery costs, then look for something cheaper, or don't buy at all.

The worst feeling in the world is being house-poor, anon. Take it from someone who was there, and bailed after eighteen months in the nightmarish Money Pit. (Worse than the movie it was.) If you can come to terms with the fact that the bulk of your monthly income (at least 50%, this is before groceries, gas for the car, or any kind of disposable income) will be going solely to keep a roof over your head (when it's not leaking), then hey, more power to you.

The other thing is, you are absolutely tied to a house, and if you try and "flip it" (i.e., sell it within a year) without doing major work to it, or try to get out of a bad sitch after you've gotten into one by selling it (this was what I did), you will lose money. (I lost $30K, between the $20K I sunk into the place in the first year I was trapped there, and the $10K down payment, neither of which I got back, after the sale of the house 18 months after it was purchased. I couldn't handle living IN the house, either, so it was the lesser of two evils to take a loss on it.) So be prepared, if you're unhappy, to be stuck and unhappy, unless you don't mind taking a loss and having a lesson learned. But if you want to pick up stakes and move six months after you buy? Not going to happen, at least not without losing money.

Either buy cheap and sell large (that's what I've done, I own my place outright, and don't owe anyone for it, and will stand to make a literal 1000% profit on it when I sell), or keep renting and be happy. I still have debts, although not as much as I did from the first place I owned, and if anything happened tomorrow, I could sell off and be very comfortable for several years. But my situation is pretty much unique, and when I sell my current house, I likely will rent again, for the convenience, the frugality, and just the general freedom of not being tied down to something I don't even own.

Think it over carefully and don't make any sudden moves, no matter how much pressure family members put on you. Family pressure was how I ended up in my first mistake of a mortgage, and I swore it would never happen again. Do what's right for YOU, and don't listen to anyone else. It's YOUR future financial security and psychological well-being you have to think about, and owning a home is conducive to neither, in my experience.

SA

Other things "they" don't want you to know about mortgages:

Sub-prime mortgages are what tanked the global economy. Why? Because when interest rates rose, people couldn't afford the McMansions they were living in. So all the ads about LOW LOW LOW INTEREST RATES have a hidden catch; these are often only locked in for one, three, or five, years, and then you're on the hook with re-budgeting for amounts 200% or more higher than you started out paying.

You CANNOT pay large chunks off on a mortgage. The banks WANT to keep you debt, and if you try to pay a large sum down, you will have to pay a PENALTY to do so. Yes, that's right, you're penalized, for wanting to pay down the debt/lower your payments, but if you can't make the payments on said debt, you'll lose the house. Bank makes a profit either way, so they DGAF. Literally.

Banks/brokers will tell you that mortgages are not to exceed 33% of your income, so hey, you can afford that, right?? Cheaper than rent, right?? What they don't tell you is they factor this based on your GROSS income, not your net, so pre-taxes. So this figure is basically bogus (and any broker/banker who tells you otherwise is blowing smoke in your eyes and trying to close the deal). As I pointed out, this figure also does not take into account the remainder of your income going on property taxes, utility bills, and the little bit you will have left over to buy groceries and gas. (And even that won't be much.)

Secondly. You have a choice of Bad, Very Bad, or Ninth Circle of Hell Bad, when it comes to choosing mortgage options. You can get a "locked-in" mortgage for one, three, or five years, but as I noted, after that expires, you're totally at the mercy of the current (and fluctuating) interest rates, unless you want to re-mortgage. Which you will have to do, as you will not have paid anything off on the principal of your debt in so short of a time. (Do not ever, ever, ever, let a banker try to sell you on "a second mortgage" as a debt consolidation scheme. You WILL lose the house, and not only that, you will deserve to, if you're stupid enough to compound both your debts and your interest rates, in that situation.)

You could choose a variable-rate, but then you're at the mercy of interest rates ALL THE TIME. No problem, you say? Interest rates are low low low right now you say? They won't always be. And when they skyrocket, you're going to be stuck in a loan, the payments of which will have suddenly tripled, quadrupled. or quintupled.

The third option is a fixed rate for so many years, and a variable rate for the remainder of the time. Which combines the worst of both mortgage types I have outlined above.

Mortgages were fine, and provided an entry-level to accessible home ownership in the 1950s post-WWII era. Now, they're just a money-grab by the banks, and leave the lendees in more debt than they will ever know what to do with, and likely will remain that way for the rest of their lives.

TL;DR: Mortgages are bad things, OP.

SA again

The other thing I forgot to add is the amortization scam. Basically the reason your "low" mortgage payments (they aren't low, not by any stretch of the imagination) don't see you in the hole for ten grand a month, are because they figure out how you will pay the loan back over twenty-five, thirty-five, or forty-five years, factoring your income and how much you can pay on interest and principal (and, like I said, you're not allowed to pay big chunks off on the principal, because they want to keep you in debt).

But once you sign the papers, you are now on the hook, for the loan, for the length of time that you decided. And the longest length of time is usually the only one you will be able to afford (this is amortization in a nutshell). Also don't forget that this interest will be compounding over all these years, so staying in for the length of the loan may still sometimes see you in debt, and still owing the bank at the end of it, due to interest rate fluctuations over the decades, even if you do manage to luck out and lock in with low rates consistently (this is almost impossible) over two or three or four decades.

So, either way, regardless of the fixed-rate or variable-rate options, unless you sell the house and/or remortgage, you will be paying money to the bank for a house you won't even own outright, for DECADES. And even then, you might owe the bank money still.

I don't know if you'll see this this late, but thank you so so so much!

I'm trying to keep in mind that things were much different in her generation but it's hard, especially when my brother's bought into the same mindset. Although I did have the same thought you mentioned, back when he first bought his house and was giving me all sorts of shit about living in an apartment, that he doesn't own it, the bank does. Thanks for reminding me of that, because it does help me look at it in a different way.

I did some research yesterday and found a bunch of foreclosures, including one that's pretty much my dream home and is well within my price range, but my mom said foreclosures involve a lot of extra paperwork and it would take at least 6 months for everything to go through and at the end of that time they could still change their mind about letting me buy it and it isn't really worth it. It's starting to sound like she has no clue what she's talking about though so I guess I need to just find a banker to talk with maybe? Or a realtor? I'm not sure what my first step should be, honestly.

Either buy cheap and sell large (that's what I've done, I own my place outright, and don't owe anyone for it, and will stand to make a literal 1000% profit on it when I sell), or keep renting and be happy. I still have debts, although not as much as I did from the first place I owned, and if anything happened tomorrow, I could sell off and be very comfortable for several years. But my situation is pretty much unique, and when I sell my current house, I likely will rent again, for the convenience, the frugality, and just the general freedom of not being tied down to something I don't even own.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you come to be in your situation? Did you buy a foreclosure?

Thanks for all the mortgage info! I didn't realize it worked that way with the interest rates. My mom said hers changed a little each year (so I guess hers is a variable rate one from what you've said?) but that it was never very much and it was no big deal at all. She's had her house for almost 40 years I think and I'm not sure about a second mortgage but I know she's had it refinanced a bunch of times and still owes a bunch on it. And my brother had to get a second mortgage to buy his in the first place (at least I think that's what my mom called it) because he didn't have enough for a down payment. He apparently way overpaid for his (it's a lot smaller and nowhere near as nice as my mom's and is in kind of a dangerous part of town, and he paid a lot more than hers is worth) and a couple months after moving in he had to get a roommate because he couldn't afford the monthly payments. Plus he's had a bunch of problems he's had to pay to fix because apparently the inspector wasn't very good and missed a bunch of issues with the house. So when that was all going on I thought "thank god I live in an apartment" but since then they've managed to get me all depressed again about not owning a house.

And my mom keeps saying to just buy a house and if I end up not liking it and want to move I can just sell it and go somewhere else because "buying a house is never a bad investment" and she's "never heard of someone who didn't make all their money back when they sold their house" but it sounds like that's not the case from what you're saying. Oh, and also she's mentioned several times about paying more each month to try to pay her house off quicker but you said you can't do that?

I don't know, all this is really making me want to just find another apartment and be done with it. To me it's always made perfect sense, I pay each month for somewhere to live, and the convenience of not having to fix (or pay to fix) anything myself, and not being stressed about having to worry how to pay a mortgage if I lose my job or something (depending on where I was in a lease I might owe a few thousand dollars or something but that's nothing compared to like a couple hundred thousand).

Anyway, thank you SO much for posting all this, it's helped me a lot and given me a lot to think about. :)

I just want to say something about starter homes, because a lot of people in my experience have done that kind of thing. Everyone I know that bought a 'starter home' didn't do it with a set-timeline, I MUST MOVE OUT IN EXACTLY 3 YEARS AND MAKE LOADS OF CASH mindset. That's a terrible reason to buy a house, because they're a shitload of work and not as solid an investment as they were 20 years ago. People buy starter homes because, like you and like me, they're young and single and don't need much more than two bedrooms but for whatever reason they don't want to do the apartment thing anymore. Over time, they add in things like significant others, or pets, or children, that makes their original home no longer suitable for their needs (not big enough, location doesn't work anymore, etc.)

The 'starter' home is the one that's perfect for you right now, but might not be perfect 20 years from now--but maybe it will be! In any case, don't let your mom pressure you into buying a house you aren't ready for or don't want just because she seems to think she knows better than you how your life trajectory should be going (spoilers: she doesn't, and she honestly sounds like she's got some pretty serious problems going on if she's trying to micromanage you like this). I can tell you right now I'm a lot happier in my medium-crappy one bedroom apartment than my brother is in his reasonably nice small home, but that's largely because I didn't find black mold growing behind my bathtub less than a month after moving in.

One thing I will suggest is that you stop in at the bank sooner rather than later, and tell them you're considering buying a home and that you would necessarily be applying for a loan, so would they kindly walk you through that process? I guarantee they will be clear and up-front about whether or not you will be able to qualify after reviewing your income and your expenditures (not a line-item, just seeing how your income flow would handle having a loan payment added.) Nothing would be binding until you physically signed the paperwork, and whether or not you could get a loan would definitely impact your decision, so get that checked out now. Also, that rent thing sounds sketch as hell--is there any way you could get housing assistance? I'm not clear on how that works but if you're finding all of the rents in the area are out of your range, that seems to be the kind of thing it's designed for.

Good luck, Anon!

My mom will readily admit she's a control freak and she's got a lot of stress in her own life right now so I guess maybe it makes her feel better if she thinks she has some control over me or something. I don't know, but I'm tired of dealing with it.

I've been pretty happy up until recently...I don't know why suddenly I'm letting everyone's opinions get to me like this. I don't own it but my apartment is nice and in an awesome area, while my brother's house isn't that nice and is in a not so great area, but he owns it (or like the other person pointed out, the bank does) so it's automatically better, despite the many issues he's had with it (no black mold, but he had some major plumbing problems, just recently had to get a new roof, and some other stuff that I can't remember right now). Or at least that's what (most of) my family has tried to convince me of--owning is automatically better than renting, no matter what the individual circumstances are.

The rent thing is definitely weird and kind of ridiculous but I'm hoping there might be some places that don't do it that way. I need to just check out some more apartments I guess, and it sounds like it might be a good idea to stop at a bank soon too.

Thank you!

Well, first off I don't think I'd listen to your mother simply because she's not taking your needs and preferences into consideration, she's just fixated on the idea of BUY A HOUSE. That's good advice for some people, but it's not clear that this is what you want. As a single person who doesn't enjoy yard work or handling maintenance issues, apartment living makes perfect sense. Yes, it means you don't own your home, but as you already know, it also means you're not responsible for repairs and keeping it or the grounds up.

I used to live in an apartment. Now I own a house.

Pros:

* More space and privacy
* Not having to share walls/common space/mailbox space/front door with people
* Freedom to personalize it however I want
* I was able to pay off the mortgage, so I own it.

Cons:

* All houses will need repairs and maintenance and some of them will be big ticket items like roofing, plumbing, etc.
* Yard work. You either mow your own lawn or pay someone to do it, and it's not just lawns, either... trees, shrubbery... they all need regular care.
* You need more equipment: lawn care stuff like a mower, rakes, snow shovel, gardening stuff, basic toolbox in case there are any repairs you can handle by yourself
* All the neat stuff about owning a home like painting/redecorating also costs extra money

Don't get me wrong, I like having a house and I would not want to go back to apartment living-- but that's how I felt before I moved, and nobody was pressuring me the way your mom is pressuring you. (Incidentally, it sounds like your mom could be a lot more respectful about your boundaries, but that's a separate issue that I wish you luck with.)

The reality of it is, no matter what you decide, chances are it won't be a permanent thing. That's rarely how life works these days. People change jobs, they get transferred, their needs change... they don't stay in one house for decades and decades. So you can dismiss the whole "but what if I have to move?" issue right now. You will have to move, sooner or later. It's a hassle, but it's a thing people do every day and not a huge deal. Secondly, you can also knock the whole "apartments/condos aren't a REAL home, only a house is a REAL home" thing on the head. That's your mother's POV talking, and you don't want to let her tunnel vision make your decision more difficult than it already is.

Your home is the space you make. You can make an apartment your home. You can make a house your home. "Home" is a concept, not a concrete, rigidly defined object. Sit down, take a deep breath and make a list of things you want in a home. Then make a pros and cons list of what an apartment vs. a house has to offer and cross reference all the lists. To me, it sounds like an apartment is what would best suit you unless you have the money and time to take on more work than you already do now. Ask yourself what you could to an apartment that would make it home to you, and work from there.

And please, your mom is being an unreasonable cow. Take anything she says with a huge grain of salt.

Hmm, your pro/con list is basically pushing me towards an apartment (or I guess it's really making me regret my decision to leave this one). The cons suck, and most of your pros also apply to me at my current place. I should've just figured out how to make the rent increase work and stayed here, but I fucked up and it's too late now. Hopefully I can find another place that I like as well.

You will have to move, sooner or later.

See, I don't get why. Like I said before, barring unforeseen circumstances I wouldn't want to move. Losing my job would be an unforeseen circumstance but beyond that I can't think of a reason why I'd leave. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I'll never get married so if it was enough space for me now I can't imagine why that'd change. I mean, my mom has lived in her house for almost 40 years and plans on staying there until she dies. I don't know why it would be any different for me.

Having a permanent home is probably not going to happen for me since I'm going more and more in the direction of just finding another apartment and not buying a house right now, but if I WERE to buy something, I don't know why it couldn't be permanent.

I guess I do need to get beyond my idea that an apartment can't be a home, though. I think probably the main reason I feel that way now is because I never really decorated and I've been living that way for almost 7 years. I was allowed to paint and decorate however I wanted but I wasn't ever really interested in doing it. Beyond a few posters I've got plain white walls and that's pretty much it...it looks basically like a college dorm room or something. I think it's because of that that it doesn't feel like a home and that's depressing, but I admit it's my own fault. My next place I'll have to actually decorate and hopefully that'll make me feel better about it.

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