fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2930 ]

[ SECRET POST #2930 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2930 ⌋

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When I was 17 I had an affair with my married 30-something martial arts trainer.

I was depressed and cut myself and one day I let him see the cuts because I wanted someone to notice and give a fuck. So that evening he IM'ed me saying he was there if I needed to talk and we started chatting regularly.

I remember that day pretty well and also most of our affair, but I can't for the life of me recall how we went from talking about my depression to meeting for sex.

If this happened recently, you should contact his workplace and get him fired. Someone like that shouldn't be allowed anywhere near teenagers.

It sounds to me like you were raped. It sounds like he used the power imbalances in your relationships to do this to you, and that is not ok. This is even worse given your status as his student, and your obvious emotional impairment.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Please do something about this. It's not your responsibility to stop this man from hurting someone else, but it is an option you have, so if you can find the strength to stop him, please do.

AYRT

I didn't do anything I didn't want to do. I had a major crush on him and I could have said no. I was over the age of consent though it's a little bit fuzzy because he was my trainer.

I wouldn't do it again and in hindsight (this was back in 2008, I'm a tiny bit wiser now, I hope) I think that he shouldn't have hit on me but I also think it's not appropriate to reclassify this as rape when I did consent to everything.

I also went back and reread the chatlogs from that time and there was more than half a year between that first talk and the first time he hit on me (didn't recall that much time passing at all, huh), so it wasn't "you're depressed? sweet, fuck me!" like it sounds like in my first post.

I'm sorry, that still sounds like rape to me.

However you look at it, this person is a fucking slime.

What's more, this would mean that he started talking to you online when you were 16, and didn't make his move until you were 17 (which BTW, where do you live where it is Legal for a 30yo to fuck a 17yo? Where do you live where it is legal for a teacher to fuck a student?) That would be called GROOMING. I'm sorry, but you need to come to terms with what was done to you, and you should really thing about doing something to stop this man from hurting anyone else.

AYRT

We started talking when I was 17 and had sex for the time when I was still 17 (only a few months before I turned 18). I'm living in Germany were the age of consent is 14 if all involved people are under 18 and 16 no matter the age of the other participants. Exceptions to that rule are situations where one person has a significant power over the other person, so a teacher would be forbidden from having sex with a student.

BUT I think you're overestimating the power imbalance in my case because it was never implied nor did it ever cross my mind that saying no would have any negative consequences. He wasn't my teacher who could give me a bad grade and fuck up my future; he was my trainer and the worst he could have done would have been to fail me in a test. That's a) not that big of a deal b) as I said not something I ever feared.

I think that he does sound like a slime and that what happened may well be considered rape, but it doesn't mean it has hurt the OP. Rape doesn't have to have any sort of serious emotional impact on the victim. What matters is the behaviour of the rapist.

This is an incredibly pretentious comment.

I agree.

how fucked up of a person do you have to be to feel like you need to force someone to believe that they're a rape victim when they clearly don't feel like they have anything to come to terms with? you're also seriously overestimating the amount of leverage that a martial arts teacher has over someone. he sounds skeevy but there's a difference between skeevy and rapist. not to mention that 17 is a perfectly reasonable age of consent. seriously, what's wrong with you?

You sound like you're okay, but I think your trainer should have been hit in the face with a shovel.

You know what's not cool? Telling people they were raped when the weren't.

I had a thing with a teacher, too. And though I was older them (23 or 24 I think, and in college)not every teacher/student thing is rape by default.

Also just because you self-harm doesn't mean you do not have agency. You might be more vulnerable, yes, but you're not a child.

Edited 2015-01-11 23:47 (UTC)

nayrt

I don't think it was moral at all of the teacher in question to hit on OP, but yeah this anon is a wonderful example of the typical US-centric victim-enforcing SJW mentality :\

"What kind of backwater immoral nation full of rape do you live in where people under 18 can have sex with adults?"
"...Germany?"

I'm not talking morality here - hey, if it was me and a 17-year-old kid came to me with problems, I don't think sleeping with them would cross my mind.

But - there's a difference between what's moral and what's legal, and just because something is morally grey doesn't mean there wasn't consent.

Also I remember being 17, and being not-so-innocent DESPITE also self-harming and having mental issues the size of Mexico.
People are not always neatly one thing or another, they are not always perfectly cast in the role of victim or villain. Most people are actually morally grey.

If someone tells me the consented to something, that the did something willingly - I tend to believe them (unless of course the look like they're saying it at gunpoint).

But yeah, I hate how some people insist on pushing people in the victim box. Even young people, even young people in shitty situations are completely capable of making their own decisions. The fact you don't like those decisions is not the point.

I agree and I think there is some space between "totally moral" and "rape". I mean, if OP had been the same age as the trainer it still would have been amoral IMO because he was married - but that wouldn't make it rape.

It may/may not have been statutory rape (which is still rape, in a legal sense) but if it wasn't, then it's possible the whole thing wasn't. Maybe it was - maybe OP was groomed and hasn't come to terms with it - but we don't know that from the other side of the screen. This isn't a good situation for jumping to conclusions.

Oh for fuck's sake, would you knock that shit off? What it sounds like to YOU is irrelevant. If the OP has experienced no sense of danger, trauma or injury and is okay with the situation, you have no business trying to convince them that they shouldn't be.

God save us all from dipshits running around trying to brainwash everyone into a victim mentality as though it wasn't way too common already.

Hmm. I would hesitate to call this rape, but there's a strong possibility that if you truly can't remember anything about this... there might have been some degree of manipulation on his part.

Now, bearing in mind that during periods of trauma and stress it's not unusual to have impaired memory, I wouldn't say that it's absolutely certain that there was no consent involved or even that you might not have initiated some of it. But even if that was the case, it would be very dubious consent indeed, and it definitely wasn't something anyone should have taken you up on. At least not anyone with a sense of responsibility.

tl;dr this was a bad decision at best, sexual coercion at worst.

This was a bad decision at best, sexual coercion at worst.

EXACTLY!

And whichever of these it was, this fucker needs to face some consequences.

I don't want to rain on your Fuck Yeah Justice parade, but what consequences are you referring to? If this is in the U.S., 17 is over the age of consent for most states. So actually, there are quite a few places where it's legal for a 30-something man to have sex with a 17 year old girl. It's arguably not moral and in this case I'd say it's definitely not moral because of the teacher/student relationship, but it's not necessarily illegal.

Unless the anon is prepared to go the whole nine yards and talk to the police, it's unlikely he'd be fired, either. Not unless his employer is unusually conscientious.

Personal anecdata ahead, but hopefully it helps!

I have photographic memory, so for most of my life I could give a pretty accurate retelling of shit. BUT I have severe chronic depression, and the periods in my life where the depression has been the worst have left huge gaping holes in my memory. Like, I could tell you exactly what worksheets I did in kindergarten, down to how many green and red apples were on the page, but I can't tell you what classes I took in my junior year of high school. If I try to recall those time-frames from the worst of my depression it's literally gray and hazy and disjointed in a way that my other memories aren't.

I'm not really sure why this is, but one of my ex-bfs talked about experiencing something similar so I doubt it's unique to me. Maybe depression fucks with memory retention?

It does. Also anxiety does. It fucks with our brains.

I don't have photographic memory, but there's a distinctive period where I KNOW I'm missing parts (because other have told me the stuff I forgot) and where timelines sort of get muddled, and I'm not sure on cause and effect, and time seems to either stretch or compress that's linked with me being anxious and depressed. There's a distinct difference between how I remember that period and say, my childhood or my college years.

AYRT

I'd say my memory is pretty good when it comes to remembering stuff in context especially stories (I rarely re-read a book because I already now what will happen) but I'm horrible at memorizing random numbers. So my first impulse would be to say I probably don't remember days in my life in which nothing worthy of remembering happened unless something sparks that memory.

As I said upthread I'm reading through the chatlogs I saved and now I can remember writing and reading those words. It's actually really weird to remember the feelings I had at the time and simultaneously looking back with the hindsight I have now.

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[ SECRET POST #2930 ]

TW: adultery, self harm

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