[ SECRET POST #2988 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2988 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 050 secrets from Secret Submission Post #427.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 2 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

So I work with some people who are typical insensitive assholes. You know the type. Gay jokes, Girly girls, tough macho men types. The type who think things gay people are out of the ordinary.

I also have a partner who is non-gender binary. I'm comfortable using zer pronouns when we're alone or when zhe is present or online and stuff, but I don't quite know how to deal with this at work when they ask me about my partner. They assume "him" and so far I've been taking the cowards way out by avoiding using zer preferred pronouns "Oh, yeah, my partner thinks....", but this makes me very uncomfortable and feels like I'm being dishonest and disloyal.

This is a betrayal, right? I know they wont understand, and I don't want to get mocked, but I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing. What can I really do though?

How would you deal with it?

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

I'd probably use they.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

I would talk to my partner about it and see what my partner thought. Then I'd probably use the non-binary pronouns. But I don't think that you're ethically required to do so, or necessarily ought to do so. There are good arguments for not doing so.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

I'd ask the partner what they think.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[siofrabunnies]

I don't think it's a betrayal. Are these the type of people who would take that and never let it go? If so, you're just preventing that from happening. I would keep doing as you do. They're not going to respect your partner, so (if I were you) I wouldn't give them the opportunity to disrespect zer.

My [family_member] has [serious_problem] that is often relevant to conversations, but I remove as much personal detail when I talk to [that_one_guy], because he'd never understand, and I'd just be getting shit for it from him.

Also, have you asked zer about what zhe thinks? Or, is there one person at work who might understand, so you can talk with someone who also knows these people?

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[sarillia]

Have you asked your partner what zhe would prefer you do at work? Maybe there is one gendered pronoun that zhe would prefer over the other that you could use with the understanding that it's not worth being honest with these people.

I have a friend who is married to someone who is non-binary and her spouse understands when she isn't open about it for the sake of avoiding fights and hurtful comments.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

+1, talk to your partner

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Well, using nonstandard pronouns basically outs zer, doesn't it? That's pretty serious. You should ask zer how zhe wants to be referred to when you're talking to assholes like that.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Look, as long as you're at work it's fine. The gender pronoun game isn't mainstream and 'non-gender binary' is just going to be, I'm sorry to say, tumblr-speak to anyone who isn't internet/fandom savvy. Just call them by their born sex and don't sweat it.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

that's terrible advice! jfc, what is wrong with you?

op, for fucks sake do not listen to this asshole. it's good your trying to be better than most people and respecting your partner, but the best advice in this thread is to talk to your partner, not to disregard your partners choices.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, this is sound advice.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

I'm gonna have to disagree with the litany of "ask your partner what to do". Sure, go ahead and explain the situation, but I don't see how your partner should get to dictate how you deal with your work environment.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

We're saying "get their input because maybe that will help you decide, OP" not "let them dictate what you do." There is a world of difference.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Because it's a dick move to purposely misgender someone, unless they're not publicly out.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Only you can decide whether you can handle the inevitable jokes in your work, not your partner, since you'll be the one hearing those jokes every day.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[kallanda_lee]

Honestly I hate this policy where now apparently in every workplace it's acceptable to ask about our personal life. I've gone months without people even knowing I HAVE a partner.

That being said, I'd use "they" as someone else suggested. And yeah, thy'll probably ask, but at least it's more honest.

Though keep in mind, I do not feel like you owe them that info at all.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

I hate it too. I'm constantly getting asked if I have a boyfriend or husband at work (because I'm female, and this is the southern US and everyone being straight is the default) and it pisses me off so much. I want so badly to tell people that it's none of their fucking business, but it's a really small family business that doesn't even have an HR department and this is an at will employment state anyway, and I really don't want to lose my job. :(

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

You sound use non-binary gender pronoun for aer. There are lots of them! I'm sure there will be some of them your coworkers are familiar with:
*e/h*/h*s/h*self

ae/aer/aers/aerself

ce/cir/cirs/cirself

co/cos/cos/coself

e/em/eir/emself

ey/eim/eir/eirself

ey/em/eir/emself

fey/fer/fers/ferself

fey/feys/feyself

fey/feyr/feyself

fir/firs/firself

hir/hir/hirs/hirself

hu/hu/hume/humeself

hen/henom/hens [swedish neutral]

jee/jem/jeir/jemself

jam/jam/jams/jamself

jhey/jhem/jheir/jheirself

kye/kyr/kyne/kyrself

kir/kir/kirs/kirself

lee/lim/lis/limself

mae/mair/maes/maeself

ne/nem/neir/neirself

ne/nem/nir/nemself

ne/nis/nimself

ne/nym/nis/nymself

per/per/pers/perself

she/sheer/sheers/sheerself

sie/sier/siers/sierself

sie/hir/hirself

ou/ou/ous/ouself

tey/tem/ter/temself

they/them/their/themself

thae/thaer/thaers/thaerself

this one/ that one

thon/thon/thons/thonself

ve/vir/virs/virself

ve/vis/vir/verself

xe/hir/hirs/hirself

xe/xim/xis/ximself

xe/xir/xirs/xirself

xie/xem/xyr/xemself

xe/xem/xyr/xyrself

yre/yres/yreself

zay/zir/zirs/zirself

ze(or zie)/zir/zirs/zirself

ze/hir/hirs/hirself

zij/ze/zijn/zichzelf [danish neutral]

ze/zir/zirs/zirself

ze/zan/zan/zanself

zed/zed/zeds/zedself

zed/zed/zeir/zedself

zhe/zhim/zhir/zhirself

zhe/zhir/zhirs/zhirself

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Jamself?

I hope this post is a joke. Please be a joke.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

I'm 99.9 % sure that the coworkers won't be familiar with any of these.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[fingalsanteater]

I would use what ever pronoun you are comfortable using with your coworkers and maybe let your partner know why you chose not to use zer preferred pronoun in front of bigoted coworkers. Though, I don't believe you are obligated to tell your partner, if you feel as if your are betraying zer, it might ease your sense of betrayal to do so. You should keep your job safe above all and if it makes you uncomfortable to use zer pronouns, DON'T DO IT.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

OP needs to be concerned about her own feelings at work.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Tell your parter to stop being a special snowflake and choose a regular pronoun. Look, no one cares if he identifies as whatever he identifies. But using a ~special pronoun~ is bullshit.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

There's such a thing as picking your battles (a concept tumblr consistently fails to understand). Trying to educate a bunch of dumbasses, if they're as bad as you say, has about a 1% chance of helping your partner or any other NB person and a 99% chance of making your life exponentially more difficult. Just refer to your partner by their name if you have to refer to them at all and leave it at that until you can get a job with better people.

Re: Pronouns amoung assholes

[(Anonymous)]

Unless you're prepared to explain, over and over, your partner's self identification and your choice of pronoun, and then put up with the mocking that would commence, I would pick a pronoun they'll understand and use that. You're not being insensitive to your partner, you're attempting to navigate the bigger world around you that will not care a wit how your partner identifies or your sensitivity to that.