fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3222 ]

[ SECRET POST #3222 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3222 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

__________________________________________________

12.

__________________________________________________

13.

[Death Parade]

__________________________________________________

14.

[From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series]

__________________________________________________

15.

[Sean Bean/Accused]

__________________________________________________

16.

[Bones/Sleepy Hollow]

__________________________________________________

17. [WARNING for abuse/torture]

__________________________________________________

18. [WARNING for suicide]

__________________________________________________

19. [WARNING for non-con]

__________________________________________________

20. [WARNING for pedophilia and incest]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #460.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

06. http://i.imgur.com/jmgOKRq.png

TBH, unless that person is actively undergoing therapy for their BPD, it would likely end the same exact way. You can't possibly fill all the emotional needs of a person with untreated BPD, because a person with BPD will switch up on you way too fast for you to keep up and their needs are a bottomless pit.

Seconded. I tried to be that person for somebody with BPD. It ended with ME in therapy.

Same, including the therapy.

Thirding. I've had mentally ill fandom friends, and... while yes, I am absolutely for doing what you can for people, you do have to take care of your own sanity. They're struggling with something you cannot, and I repeat, cannot, control. Nothing they feel or think or do is your fault.

Yes. No matter how much they try and convince you that you're responsible for their welfare, which is what the one I dealt with did to me. And trust me, someone with untreated/unmanaged BPD will do this constantly.

OP, don't blame yourself. I know it's easier said than done but what happened was NOT your fault.

I'm the anon under you (that sounds vaguely dirty, but English is not my first language), but yes. I know she can't help herself but my friend keeps repeating how she's a horrible person who manipulates everyone, but in a tone that clearly wants people to tell her that she isn't - which she also KNOWS and mentions in the tags. It's a big circle.

She also constantly repeats how all these neurotypical doctors are not trying to understand BPD people and keep vilifying/making them seem like bad people in their official papers (she's almost obsessed with looking up illnesses/disorders she might have).
Idk, is this true?

...This sounds disturbingly familiar. I kid you not, this is exactly what my former friend did. Not so much with the neurotypical doctors ranting, but she's definitely adverse to therapy and is constantly self-diagnosing.

What fandoms is the one you know in? Because now I'm curious if we're talking about the same person (and if we are, then trust me it's not your fault and she really is just a terrible human being).

Well, manipulating other people for sympathy is what BPDs do. First they'll love you and gush about how you're their BFF, the next minute they'll be screaming about how terrible you are to them. It's textbook. That's why even if you choose to indulge your friend by reassuring her that she's a good person, it will never, ever be enough. She needs more help than you or any other person who isn't a trained professional can provide, so don't beat yourself up over it. If your friend had a serious heart defect, you wouldn't beat yourself up over not being to operate on them personally... it's the same thing.

"She also constantly repeats how all these neurotypical doctors are not trying to understand BPD people and keep vilifying/making them seem like bad people in their official papers..."

Unlikely. First, has she actually been to see any doctors for her BPD? My guess is no, and this complaint is her justification for why she's not seeking help. People with BPD have a tough time grasping that they need help in the first place because in their mind it's everyone else's fault, not theirs.

It's sad, but you're better off, OP. BPDs tend to emotionally drain their friends and family, it's part of their mental health issues. Then when friends and family leave or distance themselves, it feeds right back into a BPDs fears about abandonment, which only makes them act out more, which alienates even more people, etc. etc.

I really wish I'd known more about BPD before getting involved with the person I knew. Because it was a 2-year national disaster area of a friendship that I'm still not entirely over.

Fifthing. I recently got out of a friendship with someone who has BPD.

It hurt because I really wanted to be there for her and listen to her, especially since we've known each other for a while. But... it was too much. She was really possessive over me and it was getting to a point where she was hostile towards my boyfriend (even though I told her I'm straight and she never actually met him).

My breaking point, though, was when she tried to get into a particular fandom I was in and she was trying really hard to get me out of it and it's just... No. I couldn't deal with her problems anymore, especially if I wanted to do better for myself and my boyfriend.

I still feel a little guilty about leaving her but I know I made the right choice.

Fourthing.

It's not the person's fault at all and we can't imagine what they're going through at all, but it can be really exhausting.
I'm trying to be there for my BPD friend, while also struggling with my depression and anxiety and on some days I just want to give up. She doesn't want to get therapy because it won't work either way or all the doctors are neurotypicals and she's starting to post about contemplating suicide again and I'm just at my wits end. Nothing what I say helps at all. Every day we're back to zero and sometimes I just cry cause I don't know how to help her anymore. I can't repeat the same things over and over can I (while also trying to not tell her that all the fictionkin stuff she's really into now is bullshit).
I KNOW it's not her fault, but it's just really exhausting.
Anyone have any tips? :(

......Do we know the same person? Seriously? PM me if you want.

I don't have a DW account, but thank you for the offer. :)
Might be the same person, might not be. If I look at the other people she keeps talking you, there are some pretty similar people around.

There's a really useful saying about putting your own oxygen mask on first, and it means that when it comes to mental/physical health, you make sure to care for yourself first. Not in a selfish way! It's basically to avoid what's happening to you now, getting exhausted by another friend's mental health issues because you're sacrificing too much to help them. You'll be in a much better position to help your friend if you don't get burned out.

That said, there is only so much help you can (and should) provide for someone who refuses to help themselves. Putting this politely: your friend is making excuses. Maybe it's because they're scared, but to be honest, this is still on them. They know they have a problem, and they're not trying to get help for it. Instead, she leans heavily on you despite the fact that it makes you feel frustrated and depressed. That's not what a good friend does.

It may seem heartless, but you need to stop being a nonstop source of sympathy for both her good and yours. If she needs to vent, set a brief and strict time limit on it, say 15 minutes. Then you talk about something cheerful. If she can't do that, say you're sorry and you hope she's feeling better soon and you'll talk to her later AND THEN LEAVE THE CONVERSATION. If she keeps having the same kinds of problems (especially if they're self created), stop repeating advice. Say, "I'm sorry and I wish I could help you, but this is something a therapist would be better at handling." If she keeps at you: "Sorry. It sounds like you need to talk to a professional." If she won't quit, tell her a cheerful goodbye, talk to you later, etc. AND THEN LEAVE THE CONVERSATION.

Each time you see her, pretend like it's a blank slate. Everything is cool and you're friends, until she starts this up again. Then apologize, change the subject abruptly and if that doesn't work, bow out of the conversation. If she confronts you, be kind, but honest about why. "I hate to see you feel so bad about yourself, but I can't keep rehashing the same problems over and over when nothing changes. It's making my own issues with depression and anxiety worse, and I don't think it's helping you, either. I'm happy to talk about something else, though."

If she threatens suicide, forward her this:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

They have a toll free number AND online chat. If she absolutely will not quit, feel free to call the police and/or her parents if you know her location. You might feel like a total bastard for doing this, but if she's serious than she needs the help. If she's not serious, then she needs to quit using suicide threats as emotional blackmail on you. Frankly, my money is on the latter, but it's good to cover your bases just in case.

With the fictionkin nonsense? It might help to remember that some people use silly or extreme coping methods when they have mental health issues. You don't have to indulge her unless you want to, but it sounds like you don't want to. Feel free to reply to any fictionkin stuff with, "Uh huh. [subject change]"

In the end, we train people how to behave around us. If people behave badly and you reward them with more of your attention, then you've taught them that this is what they need to do to get your attention. Don't reward them, and remember to take care of your own depression and anxiety first.

General rule: anyone talking about mental illness and especially suicide ideation or attempts like they're on the leaderboards for Halo Reach is proooooobably not serious about it and is just using the threat as manipulation.

SA

Thank you for your long and thoughtful answer. I will try some of that stuff. :)

There is no such thing as "had BPD". There is only "is managing BPD", and that's only if the person is actively participating in its management by their own volition.

For a moment, I thought this secret was about me. But I have depression, not BPD.

I know for me, sometimes trying to juggle online and offline life is exhausting, so I sometimes have to sacrifice the things I enjoy for the things that are necessary. I feel awful when it looks like I'm leaving fandom, but I really don't have a choice.

That all said, please don't blame yourself, OP. Mental illnesses, even when being managed, oftentimes wreak havoc. *hugs if wanted*

I also had a fandom friend with BPD. She started off adoring me and acting kind of possessive of me as a friend, soon transitioned into becoming inexplicably angry whenever there was a single tiny thing we didn't agree about, and eventually our friendship ended with her saying "Fuck you for doing this to me." To this day I'm not entirely sure what, in her mind, I had done to her - made her feel bad, I guess?

Lucky for me, I'm not someone who needs to be needed, and needs to be of service to others (I'm on the selfish-but-self-sufficient end of the spectrum), because I think people who need to be needed and to do things for others are the people who will likely get pulled the deepest into cyclical, mindfuck relationships with BPD sufferers. Because with a BPD sufferer, you will feel special and needed. And then everything will destabilize and go to hell.

Honestly, as sad as it is, I would advise anyone contemplating becoming friends with a BPD sufferer to just not do it. Yes, everybody deserves friends, and everybody deserves a chance, but BPD is just...some kind of scary relationship house of mirrors, and it can be really, really hard to keep from losing your way and getting lost in it.

(It is worth pointing out that BPD is sometimes misdiagnosed. Unfortunately, women who suffer from depression and have a history of self-injury and attempted suicide are at significant risk of being falsely diagnosed with BPD, particularly if they've been deeply invested in a relationship which ended badly in their past. Some (shitty) psychiatrists will hear: female, depressed, attempted suicide, had a relationship go bad - and will jump to a BPD diagnosis.

IF someone has a BPD diagnosis and has sustained, longterm friendships that present as stable, their diagnosis is worthy of question. IF they do not seem overly reactive towards things/people/events in their life, that's also a question mark against their diagnosis. Ultimately, if there is NOT a feeling that the individual is volatile - that their feelings and behavior towards you are liable to change without cause or with only very slight provocation - then their diagnosis is worthy of question.

And above all, I am NOT a psychologist, so if you think you may be in a relationship with someone who has BPD, definitely don't just take my word for any of this.)

I had a borderline friend who used to constantly manipulate me, and then go off on me for the smallest things.

This friend stalked me after throwing me off for some perceived slight. She used to tear me down and scream at me for not speaking eloquently enough to her, for not RPing fast enough or for not being there enough (There was a six hour time difference between us)

Another friend who I recently broke with I suspect was BPD because this earlier message completely describes her. Well, manipulating other people for sympathy is what BPDs do. First they'll love you and gush about how you're their BFF, the next minute they'll be screaming about how terrible you are to them. It's textbook. That's why even if you choose to indulge your friend by reassuring her that she's a good person, it will never, ever be enough. She needs more help than you or any other person who isn't a trained professional can provide, so don't beat yourself up over it. If your friend had a serious heart defect, you wouldn't beat yourself up over not being to operate on them personally... it's the same thing.

I don't like to diagnose other people, but she literally went from wanting to spend every waking moment with me and saying she loved me like a sister and considered me part of her family to screaming at me for hours. Then she'd beg me not to drop her after saying she would drop me.

She broke off with me recently, but I still wonder what the fuck happened there. Did she even mean all this "I love you, you're my sister!" or was she just manipulating me?

I didn't mean to make this all about me, but this post has become "I had an abusive BPD friend" anonymous.

She may have meant it at the time, but that's the problem with people who have BPD. Their emotions turn on a dime and they swing between idealizing and demonizing people. They don't see the irrationality or conflict in their actions the way you or I do.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#Manipulative_behavior

The entire entry is interesting, but you might find the above applicable.

Regardless, I'm not sure a diagnosis is relevant when it comes to deciding whether or not you want to be friends with a person. If someone is treating you badly, any mental illness they may or may not have doesn't justify or excuse their bad behavior. ESPECIALLY if they know there's a problem and they're refusing to seek treatment. You cannot fix a mentally ill person by agreeing to be their emotional punching bag, so don't do that to yourself.

You're not required to be there for anyone 100% of the time, even if they have a mental illness. It shouldn't be expected for you to be their therapist and the person that keeps them happy/sane/alive 100% of the time or whatever. I've tried being that person for people and it drove me to a mental breakdown. It's not a safe way to live for either of you. They need to take responsibility for themselves and their own life, mental disorder or not.

I feel a measure of sympathy for you. A couple of years ago, when I first got into Twitter RP, I got into an RP group led by a very creatively-minded player, but playing with her became a really up-and-down experience because of her emotions, she was ill (or claimed to be). I don't think she had BPD, but the manner of acting you and others in this thread speak of reminds me of her.

After I got over the sadness of the group falling apart, I was glad to be out of it, because I could look back and see how tumultuous it all was.

Meanwhile, I know I have mild depression, and my experience with that RPer makes me wary of making other people feel responsible for my emotional state. I think the difference is I know I have depression and have grown more aware of my down-turns and actively work not to put demands on others.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3222 ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject