fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3336 ]

[ SECRET POST #3336 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3336 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 059 secrets from Secret Submission Post #477.
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with that definition of asexual, how does that even work? uhm, what are you supposed to feel in order /not/ to be asexual?

I think if you never ever look at people and think they're sexually attractive you're asexual? If you think they're beautiful or if you think it would be nice to have sex with them in the same way you'd think it's nice to do any other non-sexual activity, you can still be asexual?

The way it was explained to me, (Because my first experience with an Ace person was one who had sex and I was also confused) Asexual is a spectrum. The only thing they all have in common is not being sexually attracted to people. However, some people still find the physical part of sex to be pleasant, because being asexual doesn't mean your nerve endings don't work. This person just didn't experience any sort of sexual attraction. Other people I've spoken to don't like sex at all, but they aren't bothered by it and their partner is not asexual, so it's something they compromise on.

what is a sexual attraction, then? i'll go a bit more personal, if thats ok, so i can properly convey my problem with all of this. i never considered myself asexual, i'm in a romantic/sexual relationship and happy in it. but with the definition of asexuality, as well as aromanticism, getting so broad, i'm starting to feel confused as to uhm, what isn't asexual/aromantic? i mean, what should i be feeling to know i am not asexual or aromantic? if people who are can be happy having sex and being in relationships. does this make sense?

Do you ever look at someone and go 'that person is sexually attractive! If I was alone with that person, I would have sex with them!'? Then you are not asexual. That's literally it.

but... what makes a person sexually attractive? i mean, when i look at my partner i'm like 'oh man, he's so cute and i like him so much! it would be fun to make him feel good, it's so lovely to see him enjoying himself so much. it makes me happy.' - is that sexual attraction? or not? :(

Sexual attraction isn't really something other people can define for you. for me, that sounds like sexual attraction, but I am not you!

Words are just words. They're nice to have if we're uncertain, but they don't define us. Do you enjoy having sex with this guy? Are you fully consenting? Are you content and happy in your current sex life? These are the things that really matter. No one can define your sexuality for you, that's all on you. But if nothing is wrong in your sex life, does the word really matter? And if something IS wrong, THEN you should sit down with your partner and figure things out.

Re: AYRT, sorry for so many stupid questions!

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-21 22:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: AYRT, sorry for so many stupid questions!

nonnymouscawitz - 2016-02-21 22:05 (UTC) - Expand

There's a difference between looking at a stranger and immediately thinking 'they're so attractive, I'd sleep with them', and looking at someone you already know and appreciate that you want them to be happy etc. There's sexual feelings, and romantic feelings, and friendship feelings, and to me the latter two are very similar except for the level of intimacy (how you feel towards an old friend compared to a new work collegue etc), but the sexual feelings are more physical and not sparked by looking at anyone. That doesn't mean I can't have friends and feelings about them, or want a closer relationship that is nearer a romantic one but lacking sex and physical stuff.

If you've ever looked at a person and thought, "Oh man, I would like to do sexual things with them," that's basically sexual attraction in a nutshell.

If you've never really wanted to have sex with a person, but you care about your partner and you enjoy making them feel good, that could mean you're a romantic asexual. But it kind of depends:

If you don't actively want to have sex with anyone, and giving your partner sexual pleasure is NOT sexually arousing for you, but you enjoy it on an emotional level, then I would say you're most likely a romantic asexual.

If you don't actively want to have sex with anyone, but giving your partner sexual pleasure IS sexually arousing for you, then...I don't really know.

You could be a sexual person with a low sex-drive, who gets more sexual pleasure indirectly, through giving pleasure, than directly, through receiving the sexual attentions of your partner.

Or you might be demisexual (look it up if you need to). I read a study somewhere that suggested that many demisexuals report their enjoyment of sex stems more from how they feel about their partner than from their own personal hunger for sex. This could be an inaccurate generalization though, and I'm not demisexual myself, so I can't speak with any authority whatsoever.

Bottom line though: If you're happy with your partner and you're comfortable with what you guys do and/or don't do together, then remember that you don't necessarily need to label yourself one way or another. If you want to explore the various possibilities on the Ace spectrum, that's cool, but if you're happy just being you and not seeking an established label, that's equally as valid.

Re: AYRT, sorry for so many stupid questions!

dancinbutterfly - 2016-02-22 14:04 (UTC) - Expand

Basically it's not getting 'that tingling feeling' that most people get when they see someone pretty that makes them realise they want to have sex with them.

I wouldn't say "most people" are physically aroused by random attractive strangers...

(And there are plenty of reasons you can not "want to have sex with" a person even if you find them hot to look at. Being a sexual person doesn't mean you don't have any other personal boundaries. I mean, maybe you already know that and were just glossing it over to keep the comment short, but I thought it was wroth mentioning.)

DA

I wouldn't say "most people" are physically aroused by random attractive strangers...

Aren't they? I'm a type of Ace, so I can't really weigh in here on a personal level. But most of my sexual friends (both male and female) report feeling - at least occasionally - sexually interested in people they only meet briefly.

Re: AYRT

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-22 23:58 (UTC) - Expand

Imagine someone who's never hungry, but is willing to socially eat and drink with friends so they're not awkward about it. Sometimes the food tastes okay, too. Sometimes going to lunch is fun.

That doesn't change the fact that they're never hungry and probably wouldn't eat if left alone.

I love this comment so much, I've never seen it explained so straightforward before.

I've had to do this a lot.

Equating it with hunger is the easiest thing, since people already equate sexual desire with hunger in metaphor anyway.

The thing is, you never see any other sexual orientation broken down like this.

Imagine a guy who socially has sex with women he cares about, and sometimes likes it, and sometimes has fun. Are there any guys who do that and insist on identifying as gay?

On the flip side, you do see guys who sometimes have sex with other guys and enjoy it, and insist on identifying as straight -- but that's generally taken as a problem of homophobia, of them feeling uncomfortable or unsafe because of the stigma in being openly bi/gay. No one goes "oh, okay, Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual, that sounds legit." (Well, not seriously.)

...so I can see people having and enjoying sex while insisting on their asexuality because there's a lot of social stigma around sexual desire in general. Compounded if you're a woman, and/or a trauma survivor, and/or non-straight, and/or any number of other factors.

But it's weird that so many people are responding, not with "okay there is obviously a safety/stigma issue here", but "that sounds legit."

You're equating two very different situations.

A gay guy, left on his own, wouldn't have a girlfriend who likes sex and wants sex with him, who he would go through sex for. Why not? Because he's gay, he's not dating that girl in the first place.

A homoromantic asexual guy who identifies as gay might have a boyfriend who likes sex who he would go through sex for. Why? Because he's gay, he loves his boyfriend romantically. He's asexual, the boyfriend isn't.

So here's a third potential configuration: biromantic homosexual guy, has a girlfriend who likes sex, and will "go through sex for" those girlfriends -- but insists on identifying as gay.

How often does that one happen? Because I swear I've never seen it.

The only time I see people going "you are within my romantic orientation, so I will 'go through sex' for you, but I'm going to continue to identify you as being outside my sexual orientation" is with people who identify as asexual. [ETA: well, and the friends of the anon downthread.]

Edited 2016-02-22 01:27 (UTC)

Re: genuinely confused

cbrachyrhynchos - 2016-02-22 02:20 (UTC) - Expand

Re: genuinely confused

erinptah - 2016-02-22 03:35 (UTC) - Expand

Re: genuinely confused

cbrachyrhynchos - 2016-02-22 12:01 (UTC) - Expand

Asexuality isn't an orientation, though.

Unless of course it's _romantic Asexual amirite?

...I like how everyone says Asexuals aren't oppressed but then goes "your orientation doesn't exist/isn't valid". Now I remember why I hate this community so much.

Re: genuinely confused

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-22 02:18 (UTC) - Expand

Re: genuinely confused

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-22 03:34 (UTC) - Expand

Sexuality is complex and culturally constructed. To say that all MSM must be gay or bi is ethnocentric. And it's ignorant of the living history where the question of which MSM were considered "gay" very much depended on your class and how gender-normative you were.

And some of us really object to the reductionist definition of "Suck one cock, and you're a cocksucker."

I would argue that the ideas that a man can be less "gay" if he's in a certain class, or has masculine-enough behavior -- even when he's engaging in the exact same behavior as men who are of a different social class or are more femme in presentation -- are products of classism and sexism.

But I'm happy to substitute "MSM" if you think it's clearer.

And I don't think anyone here has said "Suck one cock, and you're a cocksucker." People are allowed to try different things! People are even allowed to identify as one thing at one point, and then change their minds later on!

That's very different from saying "I regularly, happily, without coercion, go around seeking and enjoying sex with men, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future, but, gosh, that doesn't have to mean I'm one of those MSM or anything."

Re: genuinely confused

cbrachyrhynchos - 2016-02-22 02:15 (UTC) - Expand

Imagine a guy who socially has sex with women he cares about, and sometimes likes it, and sometimes has fun. Are there any guys who do that and insist on identifying as gay?

Two of my lesbian friends have had longterm sexual/romantic relationships with guys and continued to identify as lesbian. (One of them in a F/M relationship, the other as part of a F/F/M threesome.)

And I have a straight female friend who had a longterm sexual/romantic relationship with another woman, and while I can't read her mind, I definitely believe that she wasn't identifying as straight because of social stigma. Among other things, she was very open about being in a queer relationship: her extended family knew, her friends knew, her coworkers knew, etc.

Then all I can say is that these friends of yours weird me out too.

I find this interesting because I suspect I'm somewhere on the spectrum and I've often compared it to "liking the food enough to fill up on it when I have a big appetite, but not enough to eat any when I'm not hungry." Which always seemed pretty normal until I realized I was that weird person who can't stomach dessert.

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