fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3998 ]

I feel like this is the kind of thing you're supposed to figure out by now, and I still just don't know. The only thing I'm 100% sure of is that I'm not a lesbian but beyond that I don't know. I've been with guys in the past and whenever I imagine a future relationship it's with a guy, and I can't imagine being with a woman but who knows if that'll change in the future, maybe I'll totally fall for a woman someday, who knows?, and then there's the fact that I haven't even been in a relationship in several years and I actually really enjoy not being in one and can't imagine that changing, and maybe I'm actually not into relationships at all (I think it's called aromantic?) and just...I don't know.

Anyone else feel this way?

There's no correct timeline and there's no one answer set in stone.

Take your time and do what feels right.

Why is labeling it so important to you?

Meeeeee.

I've kinda made my peace with it by thinking whatever comes will come.

The only thing I know is I'm not straight. I'm turning 30 in a month, and I've only ever been in one relationship (and never had sex) and it lasted 3ish months, and I kind of started ghosting when he started inviting me to sleep over. And when he tried to get back with me a year after we split, I told him no in pretty clear terms.

Hell, ex and I only met because I created an online dating profile for a week to see if men were still jerks and only sent me dickish messages, and on the last day before I was gonna delete the profile he messaged me and we struck up a good dialogue.

I always cringed at the idea of marriage and was like well outspoken against marriage in sociology and psychology classes in high school. I kinda acknowledged in my early 20s I might like women, but I've really started seeing my future with a woman in the last 6 months or so.

I do wonder how much internalized homophobia and my own parents outspoken homophobia has affected me to the point that I'm kinda afraid to date.

Yeah, I’m somewhere between lesbian, bi, and no sex drive (with three possible causes) so I go with lesbian (because if I were in a relationship it’d be with a woman) but nothing feels perfect.

It's totally normal. I'm 29 and have never had a relationship (or anything close to it). I occasionally get lonely, but I have no interest in being in a relationship. I've always thought that I was bisexual, but am starting to think I am asexual.

I don't know how much of my disinterest in sex is me and how much is PTSD, and I don't really want to explore that with another person. I would like a romantic relationship, but I do fine on my own, and I usually prefer men but have been attracted to a few women. That's all I'm really sure of at 26.
I don't know what to call me in tumblr terms. Biromantic asexual?

It seems like you've got two conflicting impulses here, neither of which I really understand. It seems important to you that you label your sexuality, and you also seem resistant to ruling out anything...?

I'm 30 and I don't think there's any kind of deadline! Have you considered how many people your age have only had one serious relationship and haven't spent any time on these kinds of questions? Just approach it on a case by case basis until you find something that feels right. I call myself bisexual because I'm attracted to both men and women but I've put very little thought into it. It's just convenience...

I mean, I'm 34 and I have no idea what I am, so, sure? There's no finish line that says, "By 19 you must know what bits you like!"

My problem is, is that I'm pretty sure I'm like... some subset of ace but since some of the gatekeeping I've seen about ace people not being allowed to masturbate/having NO sex drive at all makes me wonder if I'm not, that I just don't like the idea of sex with people... other than me?

My problem is, is that I'm pretty sure I'm like... some subset of ace but since some of the gatekeeping I've seen about ace people not being allowed to masturbate/having NO sex drive at all makes me wonder if I'm not, that I just don't like the idea of sex with people... other than me?

For what it's worth, I'm the same way, and I consider myself ace. I'm kind of hesitant to completely 100% embrace the asexual community because there's all sorts of weird gate keeping but at the same time, an unwillingness to completely define terminology. I've seen this "you're asexual if you want to consider yourself that way, there's no criteria you have to meet" attitude which is completely unlike any of the other sexuality labels. I mean, I've seen people say they'd specifically NOT WANT to be in a non-sexual romantic relationship, but still consider themselves asexual and counter with "but it only means you're not sexually attracted to anyone!" and I personally feel like sexual attraction is completely meaningless if it doesn't affect whether or not you want sexual relationships. I feel like "not interested in sexual relationships" would be a far more logical and less muddled/confusing definition for asexuality (I mean, if someone says "I'm gay", everyone knows what that means, there's not really any confusion, which isn't the case for asexuality as the label is currently used).

Anyway, yeah. To me masturbation is a biological impulse/drive, and there's no reason to involve anyone else in it. The asexual label isn't perfect, but it fits me better than any of the others.

My problem is, is that I'm pretty sure I'm like... some subset of ace but since some of the gatekeeping I've seen about ace people not being allowed to masturbate/having NO sex drive at all makes me wonder if I'm not, that I just don't like the idea of sex with people... other than me?
This is me. I masturbate, and I like reading erotica, but it's as a voyeur. I never imagine myself as part of a sexual scenario, and the idea of actually having sex with anyone is not at all for me. But IDK that I can call myself asexual because of the first part. Even though I am an over 40-year-old virgin, so I would think I would qualify maybe? Idk.

I’m 34, sure I’m not a lesbian, not straight, not sure if I’m bi, pan, ace, or some other even less common combo. Never been with anyone or dated or even kissed and would like to give it a go, and I’d like to have bio kids, but I’d definitely hate hooking up just for sex and I hate bars (I live two blocks from a street that has multiple bars per block and that tends to be how and where people meet here) and have few friends, so I dunno. About the only thing I’m sure of is that I’m cis, but that’s gender identity and not sexuality, so idk. I don’t really think it matters since no one ever seems to like me back.

I've got it (mostly) figured out now, but I was past 25 when I finally was ready to admit to myself that I'm bisexual. I think it is perfectly normal not to know, especially in our world.

I was in my mid-thirties when I finally admitted to myself that I was bi, and thirty-nine when I discovered the term "genderfluid" and had the lightbulb moment that sometimes my brain randomly deciding I was a guy (and freaking out because my body didn't fit) didn't mean that I was broken, a freak, or a traitor to women everywhere.

I mean, I'm gay. I'm in my 30s. Every person I've ever been sexually attracted to has been a guy. Except for one fucking chick. Hundreds of people I've looked at and thought "yep I'd tap that" and exactly one has been a woman. She's not even manly looking, she's about as cute and feminine as it gets. I'm not attracted to androgynous guys either, so she in no way fits my 'type'.

So, this shit is complicated. There's no easy answer.

But, assuming you're a girl, and you mostly like guys but you don't know if you'd be interested in a woman, to me that sounds like you're straight but bi-curious. (Or if you're a dude, I guess gay but bi-curious?) Or maybe aromantic. Or really, who the fuck cares, why bother with a label at all?

Are you the guy who had the girlfriend "Hannahbelle" who was some kind of crazy psycho killer or something?

yeah that's me. She hasn't killed anyone afaik but honestly it wouldn't surprise me. I've been away from that shit for years and every day it still pops into my head and I spend a few minutes like what the fuuuuuuuck over the crazy shit she did.

Hannibelle Lector was AMAB and male-presenting, though (and constantly changed how she identified herself, from trans to nb to male to female... she went through like three sets of alternate pronouns and for a while was identifying as "itself". I just stick with "girl" because that's what she told people to call her probably 70% of the time and it's easier than getting into that fucking mess). And I was never actually sexually attracted to her, I just liked her personality at first. We had sex like a few times in 5+ years.

Nah the one girl I've found like infinitely hot is my current gf.

Pfft, I didn't totally figure my sexuality out until I was in my mid-30's. Looking back, I honestly ignored the signs of "hey you're not completely straight" due to a strict Roman Catholic upbringing. Now I can look back and identify my first same-sex crushes just as easily as my opposite sex ones. I usually put bisexual on paperwork, since pansexual is such a new term.

Basically, I've never seen a set of genitalia I didn't like. As long as it's attached to someone capable of informed consent, I'm in.

So take your time, OP. There's no deadline for figuring out a label if you want one (and sexuality is often fluid, so you might change labels in the future, and that's perfectly okay, too!).

Well, I honestly don't think it's about "figuring out your sexuality". I don't think there's a secret real concrete answer buried inside of you. Sexuality is just.. you. It can be fluid, and opportunities, experiences, and certain situations might reset the course, so to speak. You should just live in the moment. If it feels right, go for it. If you aren't having fun, don't pursue it.

I'm pretty much a lesbian with the rare occasional exception, and I'm honestly to the point of just hating labels. They aren't useful for me anymore. They were probably useful when I was first realizing I liked women, ten years ago. I've outgrown them since. I think we need to worry less about what we call ourselves, and focus more on the fact that it's okay if you date women, it's okay if you date men, and it's okay if you're not into relationships or sex.

I pretty much know that I'm into, you know, both men and women. But I feel like I'm way more into fictional women than I am real life men. The idea of settling down with some guy, instead of someone like one of my faves just seems so... boring?

I mean, a regular dude instead of a female space pirate or action hero or time traveller, ya know?

I think you shouldn't worry too much about it.

I get a little exasperated with the current trend of nailing down your identity and orientation with very, very exact labels. Yeah, general categories are useful for social navigation and it's nice when you find a category that fits and can describe yourself relatively simply. However, not everyone can be described that simply and you are not required to remain strictly loyal to your chosen label for the rest of your life. You can change your mind, or discover new things about yourself, or just experiment. Also, you don't have to put on a new label just because you experienced an attraction outside what is typical for you. It might mean something, or maybe it was a one-off, who knows.

I sometimes wonder about the motivations behind the focus on defining specific, rigid categories and insisting people figure out where they fit. I've sensed this undercurrent of "If everyone would just be very clear about how they identify and what they like, then no one ever has to feel awkward or rejected" but that's just not how relationships work. That's not even how hook-ups work.

I think "mostly X, but sometimes Y and I wonder if I might be a bit Z, I dunno" is a perfectly valid sexual orientation, if one must explain themselves at all.

I sometimes wonder about the motivations behind the focus on defining specific, rigid categories and insisting people figure out where they fit. I've sensed this undercurrent of "If everyone would just be very clear about how they identify and what they like, then no one ever has to feel awkward or rejected" but that's just not how relationships work. That's not even how hook-ups work.

thanks for this. articulates part of why romantic/grey orientations make no sense to me, even though I often see that people with similar experiences to mine find them useful.

[ SECRET POST #3998 ]

Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?

Re: Is there anyone else who's over 25 and still is unsure of their sexuality?