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[ SECRET POST #2084 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2084 ⌋

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Sorry in advance for the heavy stuff in here, but I could use some reassurance/guidance...

Ok, without getting too much into the story, my father was abusive to my, my Mom, and my sister. My Mom asked to leave. A bunch of shit went down, but two years later, my sister and I are finally in a good place. My Mom has always been supportive of my sister and me, but there are just some things she just doesn't understand. I don't know if it's because she's still suffering from the abuse or not (she probably is), but my Mom keeps harping on me about trying to "get along" or "keep the peace" and how, "One day, you'll be able to see your father, and you can forgive him, and you won't feel as bad anymore." I tried to explain to that (a) I feel fine, I just have desire to ever see him again, (b) wouldn't care if he died tomorrow, (c) that that is not going to happen because simply seeing him is triggering. She countered with, "That's what I'm saying. More time and coping will make the trigger feeling go away." She has this idea that one day we'll have a relationship in some sort of capacity and no matter how many times I say that that is not going to happen, she just says, "You say that now, but years down the road, you might change your mind."

For fuck's sake, since when do I (a victim) have to become buddy-buddy with my father (abuser of my family)? Am I missing something here? Do triggers just "go away"? How can I get my Mom to stop trying to make it seem like all of this will just go away one day? And how do I get her off my back when she says, "Well, you say that now..." or "I'm the one in the middle here, between you and your father. I'm not in a good position"?

I love my Mom, and she has helped me through some very dark days, but it seems like she sometimes doesn't understand just how much she and I (and my sister) were fucked up by my father. Almost as if she had lived with it for so long, she doesn't even realize what she's saying or how she's making me feel when she says these things. And her talking about it is pretty triggering as well. There are so many conversations that somehow just end up being about my father and making me feel like shit all of a sudden. I just want to go back to the peace and quite of not thinking about all the awful things my father did to me and my family. I've been to therapy and have learned to cope and move on, but it's difficult sometimes when things like this with her happen.

Tl;dr: My father was abusive to my sister, my Mom, and me, but my Mom thinks one day we will all get along and the triggers will just "go away." And I don't know how to get her out of that mindset

Edited (Misspelling ) 2012-09-16 21:56 (UTC)

To your mom, I think, this is part of the healing. I expect she intends the best, and assumes if you and your father are okay, that means everything is okay!

Of course, it's not how this works. You know that about yourself. She either doesn't believe that it works like that or doesn't understand it. For her, maybe that's what it has to be. Maybe it's a projection onto you, she thinks SHE has to forgive him and thus all do. Maybe it's even something she does need to do to let it go. The fact that it keeps coming up means it's probably something your mom thinks about alot. Only some much you can take from a paragraph. But weather any of those things or none of them are right, that's irrelevant compared to what you need to do.

I'm not sure what conversations you have or haven't had with your mother. Have you recommended she get therapy? But, refocusing back on you, I don't know what conversations you have and haven't had with your mom, but I don't think it's unreasonably to tell her in direct terms that there is a topic you are not going to talk about with her. And back that up. It sounds like you've had the argument enough times to know that you aren't going to win it. Only winning move is not to play. Which might result in a situation that's unideal, because your mother will inevitably feel hurt about it, but I think in situations like this you need to do what's best for you first and foremost. Otherwise it could turn into a real fight that could end worse then the hurt of a few conversations shut down.

I'm sorry that it's come to this. Just try to remember that in all likelihood your mother is hurting too, and even if she wont' let it be over, she likely wants the hurt to be over just as much as you do, no matter how she expresses it.

That's true. I know she suffered just as much as I did, so I understand that this is just as hard for her as it is for me. I think we can agree to just not talk about it while it is all still relatively fresh.

Yeah, if she'll accept that too, it's probably for the best. Maybe someday you'll feel like talking about it again. Hell, maybe some day you'll want to, this stuff goes funny like that sometimes. And maybe you'll never mention it again and that will be fine too. I hope all of you are okay in the end.

Thanks for the support. <3

Oh man, I really don't have any advice for you but I am so sorry to hear you're going through that. You are not in the wrong at all.

Thanks for the support. It really is appreciated.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like your mother hasn't fully confronted the facts of what happened and is still denying things were that bad as a coping method.

This post really hit home for me. I'm in a similiar situation with my mother. I wish I had advice for you but I don't.

Right now we have a shaky truce that neither of us talk about the past. It hurts that someone who actually lived it is minimizing and dismissing what happened to me but saving my relationship with my mother is more important to me than having my issues validated by her I guess? She still thinks I'm overreacting but I just made it (repeatedly) clear that I wouldn't engage on the subject and if she pushed it I would physically leave the area. So far she's backed down over it.

I hope you get a better resolution but if it doesn't seem likely maybe just having her agree not to bring it up will save you some hurt. If she insists on continuing to bring it up maybe just tell her that if she truly believes you'll get over it in time she should give you that time and stop throwing it in your face.

That's not a bad idea. Not talking about it is the least I should be able to ask for.

Hope everything works out for you!

Thanks. <3

I have the same issue with my grandmother and the rest of my family. She's a bitch, and has endlessly ragged on me since I was a kid, but my family thinks I should forgive her for that. I have no desire to get along, or interact in any way, and somehow I always end up blamed for when she gets mad at me for not being affectionate enough toward her.

It's just, like, fuck it people, sharing blood doesn't make us friends. I'll love you on paper, but I'm not going to hug you or hang out with you or interact with you in any meaningful way.

This isn't helpful, but hey. Same-ish situation, if not as extreme. I don't have any solutions. It seems like every time I try to explain why I'm not comfortable around a woman who emotionally abused me for most of my childhood, I get smacked down with "it wasn't that bad," or "Think of all the things she's done for you!" or "But she loves you!" or "Well, you know you kind of had it coming, right?" because I was something of a defiant asshole child.

Edit: Okay, rereading, this is actually super-unhelpful, and mostly just me bitching about my issues with family. Things that actually helped: redirecting conversations, ignoring people until they shut up, and moving away from home. Basically avoidance. For some reason, all that mature adult talking about a problem stuff has never worked out for me.

Edited 2012-09-16 22:38 (UTC)

It's ok. This thread was made for venting. It's always good to know one is not alone in their worries. Thanks for replying.

So what my roommate did in her similar situation. I got to listen to this from my room a few years back.

Posted with permission.

She sat her mother down and told her mother point blank that she will NEVER forgive her father. When her mother tried to do the maybe, eventually game. My roommate would just say no. No explanations, just no. Her mother persisted with a variation of 'you should forgive him he's your father', my roommate reminded her mother of some of the things her father did to the both of them. Then restated she wouldn't forgive her father. Also that she did not want to talk about her father ever, and for her mother to please stop pressuring her to forgive him. That this need of her mother to 'make things right' was making her resent her and not want to see her.

Her mother does not bring up her father, or how my roommate should forgive him any more. Sometimes being honest and blunt is the only way to hammer it home.

Thank you for responding. I will keep this in mind and mull over what I want to say.

A lot of people seem to think that you have to have a relationship of some kind with both your parents and any other close relatives, and that if you don't, it's a sign that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Even in the case of an abusive parent, there's this bizarre expectation that if the abuser changes their behavior and stops being abusive, that you will want (or should want) to renew your relationship with your former abuser since they're "better now."

It's bullshit.

Seriously, even if the abuser completely changes their personality and regrets having harmed you, if you have no positive feelings toward that person, or if your negative feelings significantly outweigh any positive feelings you do have, you have no obligation to continue a relationship with that person, and no reason to want to. You should certainly not be expected to "work past" the traumatic feelings that interacting with the person inspires in you.

You're not obligated to love someone, or get along with them, or interact with them, if they've treated you consistently horribly for the majority of your relationship with them -- even if they're close blood relations. The expectation that familial relationships entitle people to interpersonal relationships regardless of their past behavior is absurd.

I agree with everyone else who has suggested you ask your mother to drop the issue, and ignore her any time she tries to bring it up again. If she needs to cope with her abuse by trying to normalize her relationship with her past abuser, that's her business. You need to do what's best for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. *hugs if wanted*

This is a great comment and even though it wasn't directed at me I would like to thank you for it.

I've had a really hard time expressing to my mother that I do not need to repair relationships in order to let go of what happened in them.

Hugs graciously accepted.

You're absolutely in the right. My mum's family are always telling me I should see my dad more and spend holidays with him. They know exactly what he was like, but I guess they make themselves put a positive spin on it because he's so happy and friendly in public. They think because my mum died still married to him, he can't have been that bad.

I love them, and they're my only family now, so I try to just ignore it. It's hard to hear though because it makes me upset that they would invalidate years of abuse by saying that I should be the one to go see him to make him feel less lonely. I just think it's too hard for them to think about what it was like for me. I try to put myself in their shoes, and even though they never talk about it, they probably have a lot of guilt over leaving me alone with him after my mum's death.

I don't think there's a way to change your mother's attitude. I mostly try to avoid talking about it with my family. If they bring it up, I ask them firmly to let me make my own decisions regarding my relationship with him, and to then respect those decisions. It works some of the time. The few times we've talked about him and I've gotten angry or upset with them, I've regretted it. If you do need to vent about the situation, try talking to someone who will only be listening to your side of things and thinking about your best interests.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I've been giving this some thought the past few hours, and I appreciate you sharing your story with me. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this and have support to draw from. I think just telling it to my Mom straight is what I need to do because you're right, it's my own decision. I'm almost 20 years old, and it's about time I was treated and acted like it in this instance.

No problem! Sorry for the TL;DR. I hope everything works out for you.

Do triggers just "go away"?

Not all on their own, no. But it's not unreasonable to expect that eventually you'll be able to come to terms with what happened and be able think of your father without feeling *triggered*. This usually requires quite a bit of mental work/coping/dealing/sometimes therapy on the part of the triggered, though.

And even then, that doesn't mean you have to forgive him or ever want to talk to/see him again.

I completely agree. Nobody wakes up one day and says out of the blue, "I want to see my abuser today! It won't give me even an iota of bad and I'm glad we'll be seeing each other!"

Unless they had a complete and total memory loss of being abused.

I've read through the thread (such as it is so far), and haven't seen this mentioned (my mother and I were in a similar sitch as you and yours BTW, only I daresay I'm a good deal older than you, and it's at about a decade and a half's remove for me now.)

Your Mom still feels guilty she didn't make it work. My mother would sooner cut her own tongue out than admit this, but I *know* that's why she still cringes at stuff I say, or she says I shouldn't write off completely what I (in all seriousness) refer to as The Dark Side of the Force.

I can't convince her that she's NOT in the wrong (especially when she stayed with the sociopath for over twenty years), and I can't convince her that I'm fine without contact from the-other-side-which-shall-not-be-mentioned. But I am. And I tell her so. And I will keep patiently telling her so. Because there's nothing else I can really do.

That said, it took legal action, before "the other side" was convinced of the fact that I wanted no contact (he always tried to track me down wherever I went). So, your sitch could be worse?

But, yeah, it makes a twisted sort of sense that your Mom still thinks you should go back to him; because she still feels like a failure (as sick and twisted and wrong and messed-up as that is) for not "making things work." She can't see or recognize that to do so would have been at the cost of her, and/or your, sanity, if she had.

Sorry, I've not much to offer in the way of advice. Just avoid the topic? And stick to your guns when she does bring it up. Either she'll come around in time, or eventually give up and stop pushing. I can't tell you what to do for her self-esteem issues (because that's what it is), I still don't know how to broach it with my mother, and it probably always will be a hot-button issue between us.

I appreciate your response to my problem. I understand that this will be something she and I deal with for quite some time, but that it's a matter of knowing that I am better without...well, I don't exactly have a label I'm comfortable with for him yet. He basically ruined my and my sister's childhood and teenage years and nearly twenty years of my mother's adult life. He has tried to contact us, prompting us to change our cell phone numbers, but every once in a while, he will try to see us when we least expect it. It's scary, but I guess learning to cope is the only thing I can do at this point in time. All I can do is hope that my Mom can find the peace and happiness she deserves without feeling like she was the one who failed. I suppose sticking to my beliefs is the only thing that may eventually convince her that I don't owe Him anything and neither does she or anyone else. Mostly, I just want to move on with my life, and I hope to do so without the fear and anxiety that I used to have. All I can do is work on myself and hope for the best for all of us, including you, Anon.

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[ SECRET POST #2084 ]

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