fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2148 ]

[ SECRET POST #2148 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2148 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

__________________________________________________

12.

__________________________________________________

13.

__________________________________________________

14.

__________________________________________________

15.

__________________________________________________

16.

__________________________________________________

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 080 secrets from Secret Submission Post #307.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 3 4 - doing a bit of troll-weeding ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Upset, lonely... I feel like I'll never make friends in my fandom either.

I'm at this weird stage where I don't care if people leave me or isolate me, since I don't believe friendships will go anywhere for me -they never last for me, people just stop talking and I don't want to be creepy or a stalker. I don't blame people for walking away I just... don't see a point in myself any more. I could have all the success but if I can't connect with people that's not worth it.

But I'm human and i get sad. Like Aristotle said, no real point in living if you've figured our that you're meant to be friendless. Which I have.

Still I try working at my hobbies, but those haven't been going well for me lately. I feel like I'm not good at anything, not writing, RPing, drawing, speaking, whatnot. I'm not even good at complaining because I see people who complain get whinier than I'm allowed to be often and easily and people take what they say seriously, and love them and me... whenever I speak out I get in trouble. I try to accept that,and so I don't talk much -but them the same peers and family complain about me not reaching out to them. ...Idek.

Mostly I'm mad, sad and frustrated that I'm feeling like shit over my art, I literally feel like I can't draw anything but stick figures and the things I manage are strokes of luck. I want to improve but I feel so dumb and stupid and like I'm slow and am just not meant to get it. Trying my hardest still though.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere and I'm a curse who can't accomplish anything, and that my biggest flaw is me trying to achieve anything. Even though I've come to the point that I want for almost nothing any more. I don't think someone like me has the right to have anything.

Still, I wonder why I'm supposed to be alive them any ways if I'm useless, if I'm ignored. I don't even mind people who tell me to kill myself because I'm "useless" (And I know I may get some of those comments here --just know I agree and you don't need to be redundant) --I've tried. I just can't try as readily because of my religion, but I've long ago stopped trying to survive.

I don't feel entitled to something that comes easily to others any more... not saying out of bitterness, but because I kind of came to see all of those things as a miracle others take for granted.

I just wonder why, and don't see any way to stop this constant pain without dying.

I wouldn't mind a painless death not inflicted by me.

That sounds like my happy ending.

...that's finally out. Back to isolating myself.

Edited 2012-11-19 23:23 (UTC)

I'm gonna skip the whole "hang in there" spiel because other people will do it waaaayyy better than whatever lame attempt I'd come up with (but seriously, LISTEN TO THEM) But I want you to just remember: don't refuse to see things in perspective. Think of it this way: if you're weighing "I'm going to die" vs "I don't want to accidentally annoy someone by pursuing a friendship"...you're really going to choose to die? You'd rather die than annoy someone? Of course you wouldn't! In a struggle for your life -- whether it's the continuation of your life OR the quality of your life -- you can't be afraid to take risks. Think of it as a literal life-or-death situation if it helps :)

You're not "meant" to be friendless. You just haven't met anyone good enough for you yet. Think of it this way: something great could be just around the corner, and if you kill yourself, you'll never get to experience it. You never know what's gonna happen, trying to extrapolate what your future holds based on your past is irrational and nonsensical and almost certainly completely wrong. Your future has a lot less to do with your past than you think, especially if you keep doing new things and trying new possibilities instead of doing the same shit you've been doing all your life so far.

And you know what? Seeing things that other people take for granted as a miracle is a great way to look at things -- but why does that somehow mean everyone else deserves miracles and you don't? That's rubbish! You deserve everything other people have, and just because you appreciate it all so much more deeply doesn't mean you're worthless in comparison.

Don't be irrational. You thinking you should die is irrational, because NO ONE deserves to die if they haven't purposely killed someone themselves. Just keep that in mind and solder on. It sounds corny, but unless you get somehow railroaded by the worst long-term sequence of shitty coincidences in history -- which is extremely, extremely unlikely and you should definitely not bet on that happening because the odds are terrible -- something about your life WILL get better in the future. Just hang on and either wait or try and grab for new possibilities.

Also, *hugs*

Hey there me. Down to the spiral over not being good at art, writing, and even down to not being able to complain IRL.

I don't think you're as hopless and convinced you're meant to be friendless as you think you are. Some part of you reached out here. So here I am reaching back?

I am probably not the best person to give advice on any of this as I am mostly still in the same boat and I self-motivate in what most people would call emotionally abusive fashion.

Most days all I got is to remind myself that I can't officially be a complete failure until I give up. So I can suck as hard as I want at everything else but nothing can make me be a quitter except me and until then I'm technically still "in progress" and allowed to be a fuckup. I'm a regular ray of sunshine right?

I think I'm making some progress lately. I've made a real friend who I've actually made an effort to talk about my ~feelings~ with as they strike me instead of constantly self-policing and it's been surprisingly okay so far. I even met them on this comm. It came out of nowhere and when I had already resigned myself to never making a real friend or ever connecting with another person.

I'm not too comfortable discussing my issues and how I dealt/deal with them on the comm and I might not be too much help but feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Most days all I got is to remind myself that I can't officially be a complete failure until I give up.

thank you for this actually.

: )

Most days all I got is to remind myself that I can't officially be a complete failure until I give up.

Thank you for this. There have been times lately that... have kind of sucked. And this... I think this might help a lot. More than you know. :)

Huh. This line of thinking sounds awfully familiar to what I've had running through my head for the past few months.

One thing to keep in mind, regardless of your belief system, is that every life has a purpose. It might not be a very big one, but just by being alive, you have made an impact on someone somewhere in this world. Never believe that you are useless or worthless because it simply is not true, and without you there, someone's life would be impacted. Every life has a purpose, and even if yours isn't clear to you (especially right now when it feels like you have nothing to contribute and the apathy of everyone else toward you only serves to reinforce that), it is most definitely clear to someone else. You just have to remind yourself of that.

One thing you might want to try is taking your creative endeavors and put them toward something different for a little while. I used to be an avid illustrator, but for the last two years I've barely been able to doodle a few lines before becoming disgusted with what's on the page and giving up. Instead I turned to writing, something I'd never really bothered with before. It helped for a while until I fell into a rut there, too. However, the urge to draw has come back (a spark now where it was once a flame, but it's there nonetheless), and I've been slowly rekindling my work on that. So try something a little new, like learning how to cook something you can then decorate like breads and cakes or perhaps using a new medium than what you are used to to try and stimulate creative energy. It might not be much; it might not even help in the end, but it can't hurt to try. Even creating something you think is crappy is still creating something.

You might also want to try finding someone you can talk to, professional or not, or writing down what you feel on paper. I don't know if writing and posting this comment helped you in any way, but sometimes having your thoughts laid out concretely in front of you (and possibly someone else) can help. I don't actively comment here a hell of a lot due to depression and real life responsibilities, but if you want, you can always message me. I might not be of much help, but I'm certainly willing to listen if you need somebody.

I wouldn't mind a painless death not inflicted by me.

I kind of understand this feel. The times I've considered suicide I've realized what an awful thing I'd be doing to everyone around me. If it weren't my fault, otoh...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling lonely and frustrated. I hate the feeling of being isolated and it's happened to me because I've been randomly abandoned by several people who I cared about deeply. One was very recent (a few months ago), and on top of that, I've had conflicts with two of my closest friends over the past week.

I've found it helps to be grateful for the people I do have. I do have friends who stick with me even when I lash out at them (and oh boy, do I wish I could stop doing that...) and I have an amazing family. (Living apart from my parents has actually strengthened my relationship with them quite a lot. I'm genuinely looking forward to seeing them over Thanksgiving break this week!)

But that isn't always easy. Sometimes you feel like you will always be alone in some ways, or like you'll never have a person you can trust 100% (I have some pretty major trust issues), or like you'll never have a relationship (of whatever nature) that is really fulfilling in the way you long for.

And I'm sorry you are having trouble with your hobbies. I lost my number one hobby a few years ago and it took a part of me with it. My hobbies right now basically include "fandom and playing games and browsing the Internet" with an occasional random craft or bit of writing thrown in. I don't feel like I really have a passion or a goal right now, though I truly believe I will find something. I want to leave a positive impact on the world and right now I really can't do much but I'm working towards a time when I will be able to do so...it's just going to take a lot of work.

After years of trying out different people I finally found a counselor who I really connect to and trust and who actually is able to help me. I think over winter break I'll go see her again.

So sorry for the long response. Your post just really resonated with me idk. Feel free to PM me or email me (I can give you my email address) if you want to talk about any of this, or just have someone to chat with. It might actually help both of us <3

*hugs if desired*

Hey, I can pretty much sympathise, but basically: what the poster above me said about - if you commit suicide you are missing out on something amazing that might happen.

... You know what, I'm just going to quote something Michael Grant (co-author of Animorphs) posted on FB because he said it a hell of a lot better than I can:

Having one of those odd moments when past and present loop around. I'm in Washington, DC. I used to live here. I was a law library grunt at Wilmer, Cutler and Pickering. (Now Wilmer and Hale) 19 years old. No notion of becoming a writer. No notion of meeting Katherine 5 years later in Austin, TX.

I was barely getting by but kind of enjoying life anyway. But right after Washington my life
went off the rails. Three or four years later I was a lost soul. A bum living under a freeway overpass. Not even the tiniest clue of where my life was going. And tomorrow I'm speaking at the National Book Festival on the Mall, with the words "New York Times Bestelling Author," tattooed on my forehead.

Figuratively.

Dear people being depressed about their lives: I had no fucking idea how great my life was going to be. People despairing or thinking of suicide, remember this: I had No Fucking Clue. By about 1977 I thought my life was screwed beyond redemption. In 1979 I met the love of my life. In 1989 we sold our first book. By 1996 I was getting million dollar checks. In 1997 I was a father.

If I keel over dead five minutes from now, it will have been a great life. You have no fucking idea how your life will turn out. Stay for the whole ride.

Link (sorry, the person didn't link to the original FB post and I really can't be bothered to go find it): http://anikotevet.livejournal.com/1106524.html

Here's a small thing to help. A friend gave me this link when I was feeling frustrated with my lack of progress in drawing, and it really inspired me to work harder -- now I draw all the time! I hope it can help you, too.

http://www.placidchaos.com/Loomis/Andrew%20Loomis%20-%20Drawing%20The%20Head%20&%20Hands.pdf

I'll be more than happy to share the rest of my tutorial links with you.

would you happen to be an INFJ? I am too and realized that trying to produce art was one of the things it simply doesn't work for us and only frustrates us because perfectionism and stuff

http://personalityjunkie.com/infj-careers-jobs-majors-occupation/2/

could be worth looking into

your own personality working against you instead of for you

Sup.

Looks like lots of other people have already done the encouragement thing, that's great. You say you're isolating yourself, and I suppose you could do that, but if your problem is friends or lack of friends or people to be with, then chances are that won't help very much.

I'm going to just talk about your post. I don't know you or anything more about you, so I'll just be going on what you've given. Correct me if I'm wrong about anything, okay? Talking things out can help, sometimes.

First of, you talk about friendships never going anywhere and not lasting and so on, and feeling that success doesn't matter if you can't connect with people. It's good that you don't blame people for walking away- it wouldn't be very fair to blame other people for feeling however they choose to, but at the same time, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to understand why, or just think that because they do that, it means that there's no point to you being around. You might not necesarily love the plot of every single book you read, but that wouldn't necessarily mean there's no point to those books, someone else might find them meaningful, it's hard to say.

You mentioned not being good at things and feeling that you get in trouble if you speak out. How? Why? What reasons do people give for finding that troublesome? Answer those questions! Maybe it's they were actually addressed- the problem with going silent is that it's like treating a symptom. If the underlying issue is still there, then nothing is really solved at all (and clearly nothing HAS been solved, if you're still feeling miserable).

You feel bad about your art and think you're slow- well, it's great you're still working, but stop for a while and think a bit, why are you still doing that? What are you drawing for? WHO are you drawing for? Why draw, what's the point of it, what are you getting out of it? Are you happy? Does it make you happy? If it doesn't, why not stop? What would happen if you did?

Ask yourself all of these questions, don't just continue with something because you feel like there isn't anything else- 'there's nothing else', this doesn't somehow make continuing on with a bad choice okay. If you're drawing because it makes you happy (and by that I mean you, not makes someone else happy who makes you happy in turn), if you're doing it because you want to, and not because you THINK you want to, then keep on with it. If not... think about it a while, I suppose. About what you really want.

And as for what the point is of being alive for any person at all, personally, I don't think there's some kind of 'super point to staying alive in general'- I do think, however, that there could be. Or that people could make their own points, or find their own points, and come up with them.

You don't feel entitled to things like friendship and attention. In that case, I'd want to ask you something- would you be willing to work for them, instead? Isolating yourself isn't a very good way to get friends, nor does it make people take notice of you. Right now, all I know about you is that you're unhappy. But what else is there? There's definitely more to you, I'm sure about that. Even if it's not all pleasant (no one's all pleasant, honestly), it's still something that makes you unique, isn't it?

And here's the thing about friends- personally, I don't think people SHOULD feel entitled to have friends or positive attention- I've seen people who think they ought to get that and then demand it of other people, and I don't think that's right. On the other hand, that's not what you're doing, you're not specifically going up to people and going 'pay attention to me'. It looks a lot more like as if you want someone to pay attention to you, but don't know how to go about that.

So here's a suggestion- why not pay attention to other people? Start making friends with them, instead of hoping that they might make friends with you. Find out what they're interested in, see if you're interested in any of that, and then build on it. Go beyond fandom! Ask them what they like, what they dream about, what they want, what they hope for. Ask yourself the same questions, so you have something to talk about as well, if people ask you about yourself. Be willing to share that, and also be willing to share in what other people might offer. Let them talk, and pick up on that. Friendship is, and has always been, a two way street.

It's not that hard to make friends... if you're willing to work at it and find out what other people want or enjoy or like. I know some people might say, hey, if I just cater to other people, that's not being myself at all, that's not right- and I'd agree with them. But it IS important to know what other people like. The reason for this is so that you can find out if you have anything in common with them, or anything that you could be friends with them over, not so that you can tailor your responses to appeal to whoever it is. If someone you like turns out not to have anything you could be friends with them about, that's a shame, but that's how things are, sometimes. Chances are there'll be lots of other people around, too, so pick yourself up, move on, and start all over again.

It's not easy, but lots of things aren't easy. And if you've already hit the bottom, there isn't much that you'd lose, is there? By trying something like that.

Lastly, about the people who walked away or stopped responding- did you ever ask them why? Did they ever respond, and answer, or give you information as to what the issues were? If you haven't tried asking, you should, and I'm sure at least one or two people would be willing to respond.

It sounds like you're depressed - you really should be talking to a therapist, not fandom secrets. I lost three years of my life and an important relationship to depression and some days are still a struggle, but I no longer wake up every morning wanting to die. Going on medication didn't kill my creativity like I thought it would - it helped me deal with the negative voices that were telling me not to even bother.

You should try study a martial arts of your choice.

I don't think you're meant to be friendless. Something stood out to me in this, that when you try to reach out to people, they get mad at you, and then they get mad at you for not trying.

You need to surround yourself with different people. I had this problem for a while. I didn't realize the reason why I was so upset. You start to judge yourself, and uphold all your perceived faults under the perspective that those people have given you.

But the truth is, that's their problem. If in your heart you want to be friendly, and it's just not working with other people, then you're not compatible. Yeah, there can be deeper things, but you won't figure it out if you keep knocking yourself down with depression around those people.

I have a ton of trouble keeping up anything creative too. I think I'm in a slump, and I've been trying to claw my way out of it. It's not easy. :( If you want to talk, friend me or message me and I'll listen.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2148 ]

and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

tw suicide, just to be safe

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

no subject

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again

Re: and I'm worriedall this will help me slip back into my suicidal urges again