[ SECRET POST #2196 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2196 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 060 secrets from Secret Submission Post #314.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - empty image with a text comment ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

03. http://i.imgur.com/e0D0p.png

[(Anonymous)]

That's a common problem in fandom. People take things too seriously.

[(Anonymous)]

Well, what do you do when something annoys you IRL?

Now do the same on the webs.

It might also be helpful to remember this is just an online community that you can leave at any time and never see again.

[lunabee34]

This secret got me to wondering how many people behave substantially different in fandom than they do offline. Most of the people I've met online and then gone on to meet IRL have RL personalities that are very close to their online personas; I've only met one person who was drastically different IRL than online, and that person was way more palatable online than in person.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm a bigger asshole in real life than I am online. Not that I'm malicious irl, but people annoy me really easily and I rage and I'm way too sarcastic for my own good a lot of the time.

I'm a lot more polite online, mainly because I can stop and delete something as I have the time to reread it and change my mind when I realize it's overly mean, not to mention getting mad at random trolls online rarely ever results in anything good, so I usually just ignore them instead of engaging them.

I think it's because irl, you have to react to things "in real time" or else be thought rude for ignoring people, whereas online I can always stop and go away for an hour to cool off before coming back to respond to something and it's all good.

[(Anonymous)]

I think I'm like anon above and I'm nicer online, along with what they said I'm overly cautious about how people online often don't read tone or sarcasm correctly, so I try very hard to be nice. But if you know me long enough online I'll stop worrying about it and basically be myself.

I think in a way though people online know aspects of my personality that I'm too shy to show right away in reality. When I was younger there was a definite divide between my real self and my online self, both were me, but they were different parts of me.

Social media is fusing the net with the real life now though and between that and getting older (and therefor caring less what people think of me) I am pretty much me wherever I am, but the being nicer still qualifies.

[(Anonymous)]

Um the best advice I can give is "Don't be an asshole."

No really, you have control over your actions, you don't have to be rude to other people in fandom.

If something is bothering you, turn of the computer, try doing something relaxing, and don't come back until you feel better.

Online interaction gives you that benefit, it's not like real life where you need to interact in the moment, you can always leave your computer, even if you're chatting in real time you can still leave.

And it's okay if you slip up sometimes and end up being an ass (I'm rude online sometimes when I've had a bad day) but just try to be even nicer the next day.

Once you start training yourself to be more relaxed about it all, you'll find it will naturally not bother you as much. Fandom is supposed to be fun and it is not worth the rage.

[(Anonymous)]

If you really want to change, start with thinking before you react. Before you post anything, go do something else for ten minutes, then come back and reconsider whether that's really what you want to say, really the message you want to send, really the person you want to be.

I might be oversimplifying, but to me it just seems like -- get the id out of the driver's seat.

[gobbledigook]

Maybe you're taking out frustrations on the internet that you feel you can't let out IRL??

[netbug009]

Just… don't insult others and treat them and way you'd want to be treated?

I don't see why this is so hard. Online, you even have more time to think about what you communicate.

[illiadandoddity]

Whenever someone in fandom says something that makes you angry, type up a response. Then put it in a word document, and go do something else for an hour. Take a walk, read a book,watch a movie, have a snack, whatever. Then when the hour is up reread your response. If you still want to say it, then post it. If you want to change what you said, change it, and wait another hour before you look at it again to post.

Just interrupt your mental and emotional process with some time and distance, and you'll usually find that by the time you come back to your comment, you aren't as angry anymore. You may still have fights, but hopefully it'll help you not froth at the mouth over every little slight.

[visp]

Umm, maybe when you're typing an angry response, read it out loud to yourself before posting it, and if you wouldn't say that to someone, don't post it? That could help.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel your pain OP. There's just so much stupidity that goes on in fandom, that it's hard to bite your tongue and just ignore it.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like I've been getting a lot better about this kind of thing recently, and I think this community is a large part of it.

To me, the key is you just have to realize that the Internet is always going to be imperfect and you're never going to convince everyone that they're wrong. And at the same time, you have to understand that your own contributions help create the environment in which you post - you're helping to create the tone of the community, and if you're shitty and angry, you're going to have a more shitty and angry community. Make the kinds of posts that you want to see. This is a community where I actively try not to shitpost and try not to be negative and try to contribute, and it's definitely helped me get better - it's the kind of thing where doing it makes you better at doing it. So just try to check your impulses and ask yourself what the ultimate point of an argument is and how you can make your own posts better, you know?

[(Anonymous)]

If you think you act differently under your fannish name than in real life, the answer is simple. Use your real name in fandom.

You'll either clean your act up, or realize that you're a dick in real life too.

[thene]

I don't think it's always wrong to stand your ground and be an asshole. Maybe you're too nice for your own good irl and just need to Hulk out moar? XD Getting ragey about other people liking things is suspect, but at least you KNOW when to ragequit rather than prolonging the ill-feelings. I bet you're judging yourself too harshly here, anon.

[superuser]

as someone who has had this habit in the past (and i still nerd rage every now and then), it generally comes from taking yourself and your interests too seriously and clinging way too hard to the idea of something being good, or cool, or right. people tend to self-identify heavily with the things they're interested in and view people that feel differently as somehow attacks on their own interests. we tend to get very heavily invested that what we like (ie what we self-identify with, not in the sense that you identify with a character or whatever but in the sense that you identify as a fan of XYZ)

fandom and nerd culture in general tends to be very defensive since we're used to trying to justify our interests to everyone around us irl. i think when we get online nerds tend to want to turn around and bully the fuck out of anyone they can in order to reclaim a sense of superiority and confidence.

it takes time and maturity but when you learn to accept and tell yourself 'haha, this thing i'm so into is ultimately just a kid's book / vidya game / japanese cartoon / toy selling vehicle / dumb tv show, i'm being even dumber by getting into internet fights about its inherent value and worth'

realize that you are not, in fact, better than the fans that write mary sues or mpreg or the rpers that want to have a self insert or the fanartists that want to draw sparkly yaoi or porn or w/e and they're allowed to like whatever da fuq they want, the same as you are. being obsessed with canonical truth or a grammar nazi or sneering at the way 13yos write fanfiction does not actually make you cool. the way you or anyone else participate in fandom doesn't have to be cool or justifiable or 'tasteful' or whatever ridic standard you're holding other people to and judging them for. (the 'you' in this paragraph being a general you of course i have no idea how exactly OP is dick)

[(Anonymous)]

This is a bit cheesy, but when someone/something pisses me off, I write a private lj entry with all of my feelings and just post it there where it won't cause any wank or whatever.

But I probably wouldn't be the type of person that would be patient with you or like you very much if you don't have a filter. Or at least didn't know how to be polite to someone.

[(Anonymous)]

I have someone in mind who I think this might be and hope this is. And if I'm right, they're almost definitely reading this. Please be nicer, OP, I have a feeling you'd be pretty interesting to talk to if you weren't such an ass. This probably applies even if you're not who I want you to be.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm a fairly laid-back person myself, but I have some anger issues and there are things that make me fly off the handle. I've found a solution that lets me fire off about whatever's pissing me off without involving other people:
1) Accept that people generally hold on to their own opinions and getting angry at them, however wrong you think they are, is not going to change anything. Civil discussion is one thing, but if the conversation isn't going in that direction, just drop it. It's not worth your time.
2) Realize that being negative at shit only really harms yourself. If it's something stupid, let it go. It's not worth the energy.
3) If you really can't let it go, make a private ranty journal and let off steam. I have an f-locked journal on LJ that I use to bitch about all sorts of shit, from stupid fandom complaints to bigger meatspace problems. I figure that if I can articulate my complaint and have it make sense, then it's a legitimate complaint and I have a right to be pissed about it; if I can't articulate it, then I'm just being petty and stupid and while it may still feel good to bitch a bit about it, I can accept that it's stupid and insignificant, and I stop letting it bother me so much. Or I try, anyway.

The point is, being online means you don't have to say everything that comes to mind. Relax, take a chill pill, and try to assume that other people are generally pretty cool, even if they like different shit.

[(Anonymous)]

Best advice I can think it give is 'When you start getting upset take a deep breath and actually *look* at what you're getting upset about. Does at the end of the day does it really matter if they like a pairing/series/whatever that you hate? Do they really deserve to have someone come out of no where to be a total dick just because their taste is different?' then, if you need too, go to a different window/site for a few minutes and calm down before you even think of saying something based on whatever pissed you off.

[citrinesunset]

One nice thing about the internet is that you can step away. It's not always easy to do so, especially if it's a fast-moving discussion. You want to get your say in. But try train yourself to step back and think before you post. Or even avoid commenting altogether if you know the discussion isn't productive. Typing something usually isn't as immediate as speaking, so you should have time to consider if you're really acting the way you want to.

Also, maybe think about where you're spending your time, and who you're spending your time with. Some people get drawn into the train-wreck nature of some corners of fandom, or get hooked on paying attention to people whom they know will rile them up. But there comes a point where doing this is just going to make you angry. To be fair, there are times when it can be hard to avoid drama completely. But a lot of times, you can minimize how much you're exposed to it. If some circles of fandom get on your nerves, then spend your time somewhere else. It's your decision.

[(Anonymous)]

Unless troll, my only advice is to remember you're not arguing with a username; you're arguing with a living breathing person. Intellectually we all know that, but it's easy to forget in the heat of the moment.

Type up what you want to say. Before you post, spend ten seconds reminding yourself of the above and then read it again.

[harp]

This might not be a super popular thing to say, but anyone who tries to tell you things akin to "don't let fandom get to you emotionally" (note- there's a big difference between feeling and acting on said feelings) doesn't really know fandom. Even people in nice, loving fandoms must have heard about the awful behavior from other fandoms.

Don't know how else to put it- fandom's a series of learned responses. Think about it- if someone said to you "I like strawberry ice cream, it's the best" would you particularly care? Would their enjoyment of that flavor necessarily affect you in any way? Would you assume they were planning on going to your local ice cream shop and convincing the shop to sell only strawberry and nothing else? When they ate strawberry ice cream, would you get the feeling that they were implying that you were a stupid person for liking your favorite flavor? Would you feel annoyed, harassed, indignant, or vaguely threatened or like you would have a hard time liking that person or being able to talk to them? Probably not.

Now think about how people seem to react when someone says "I ship X/Y". I'm thinking especially about my own (broken) fandom, where saying that phrase (or having an icon or making a post about) always seemed to imply "I hate X/Z and people who ship that are idiots." It's a learned response, and so we usually react not to the person but to the emotions left behind by the last few jerks we encountered. Fandom's full of defensiveness and a lot of people express that by putting up an offensive front first.

But don't worry, OP- I come from the Potter Fandom, and I can tell you that even though it takes a while, you can eventually un-learn it. It's just difficult to do when you're constantly close to whatever the catalyst is. My suggestion is trying to root it out with questions- "what am I about to say to this person? What do I hope they'll say back? What emotion(s) am I trying to cause within them? Why do I want them to feel that emotion? What am I feeling when I imagine them feeling that? Am I trying to annoy them? Make them feel sad? Hurt? Unhappy? Worthless? Angry? Defeated? Am I trying to get them to answer me or to stop talking to me? Am I trying to get them to change their behavior, point of view or way of thinking?"

I wish I'd had these questions during the worst of the Potter Wars. Good Luck, OP

[mimi-sardinia.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you get very passionate about the things you're a fan of.