fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2414 ]

[ SECRET POST #2414 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2414 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

[Akumu-chan / My Little Nightmare]

__________________________________________________

03.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation/Deanna Troi]

__________________________________________________

04.

[The Borgias]

__________________________________________________

05.

[Kaiba Seto and Jounouchi Katsuya from Yu-gi-oh!]

__________________________________________________

06.

[Spring Breakers]

__________________________________________________

07.

[Murder Rooms]

__________________________________________________

08.

[Twin Peaks]

__________________________________________________

09.

[Mass Effect]

__________________________________________________

10.

[Despicable Me 2]

__________________________________________________

11.

[Ice Age]

__________________________________________________

12.

[Arrested Development]

__________________________________________________

13.

[Super Junior]

__________________________________________________

14.

[Halloween]

__________________________________________________

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 064 secrets from Secret Submission Post #345.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have a lower sex drive than my partner. He's always said that he is okay with this, but I know that his needs are not being met, and not only does this make me feel bad, but it also causes some tension in our relationship.

I'm not going to suddenly want to have sex as much as he does, and he's not going to suddenly want sex as little as I do. The best solution that I can think of is for him to find another partner with whom he can have lots of sex.

I know that this can potentially pose problems. I'm not a jealous person, but logically I know that regular sex can lead to the development of romantic emotions, and I know that that can lead to a sticky situation. This is, in fact, my partner's biggest caveat with such an arrangement. His point is well taken.

Basically, I'm looking to see if any of you have had experience with this sort of thing and what your recommendations are. How have you navigated polyamorous or open relationships? What were some of the problems you faced, and were you able to successfully deal with them?

iirc this is called the 'relationship broken: add more people' fallacy.

I figure most things work out better if you do them for a positive reason, ie. because you want to have a polyamorous life, rather than as a band-aid over some other issue.

AYRT

Hmm. I see your point, and it's certainly something to think about.

The thing I will say in response, however, is that everything else about our relationship is gravy, and the reason I'm considering this is because I sincerely do not care if he sleeps with other people. So, to me, my impetus is positive: I want him to be fulfilled in the same way that I am.

But, I don't know. What does it meant to want a polyamorous life? Do I have to want to be with other people myself? If I never become involved with anyone else myself, but my partner becomes involved with others and I'm okay with it, then is that somehow less valid?

It sounds like he isn't that keen on it, though?

(ETA: sorry, I hit 'post' too soon by accident)

What does it meant to want a polyamorous life? Idk, honestly. You could try going to poly events and finding out.

A lot of relationships have the same libido mismatch as yours, though. Just speaking personally, we solve it with lots of masturbation, partially mutual. And hey, your SO could end up picking out a second partner and then finding he's just as mismatched with her as he is with you.

Edited 2013-08-13 03:26 (UTC)

Part of the problem is that masturbation hasn't solved it; he still feels frustrated and unfulfilled. The mismatch may be normal, but it seems that he isn't dealing with it as well as he thought he would. I want to help him.

You're right though; it would help to go to poly events or just talk more to poly people and try to go from there.

Not less valid at all, no. Poly doesn't mean that everyone has to be in the all the same relationships. But you have to remember that "polyamory" is typically multiple relationships, not just sleeping with another/multiple people. If you (both) don't want him to be in another romantic relationship, I would suggest looking at other options. There are those in the community -- and it is a community -- who are just looking for multiple sexual partners, but they are more difficult to find.

Is there someone he could be friends with benefits with? When you say it's his biggest caveat, does that mean he doesn't want to be romantically involved with anyone else (/afraid he would be), or he does? Which might mean multiple someones, infrequently and briefly visited.

Have you thought about other things, like rules around them?

A friends with benefits situation would be ideal. His caveat is romantic involvement: he doesn't want anything with anyone else to go beyond sex.

It's kind of a weird situation, and it will take a lot of discussion and hammering out if it's ever to go anywhere.

Gotcha, thanks for clarifying.

It's not terribly unusual, but a lot of people just dive in. I'm glad to hear you're already prepared to talk and work it out if you do pursue it!

from observations "sleep with whoever you want, so long as you come home to me" is usually a workable policy.

I've been in a committed triad but...well. What I have to say isn't what you're going to want to hear.

I don't think you're going to get what you want from this. Yes, maybe your boyfriend will get more sex - but chances are this won't 'fix' your relationship - if anything, it could very well make things worse since you're using it as a 'band aid' instead of because you want to do it because well...you want to do it. This is going to complicate things. Even if there were no issues, or tensions, in your relationship, adding more people is going to make things more complicated simply because it means having to juggle more people as a whole, which is something you both need to consider before doing it.

Also...it could be me but it kind of comes across as if you're ignoring what you're boyfriend is saying? He says he's fine with your lower sex drive, but you're insisting he needs more - and that he's not 100% with this idea, but you're pushing ahead and asking for help how to do it? That just...seems off to me - particularly since, from experience, I can say *everyone* involved needs to be on board with opening a relationship up for it to work.

You know, that's something that's interesting to me. What would it take to indicate that I want to do it? Would it mean that I also want to have other partners? There are a lot of good points being made, and much has been brought to light that I hadn't considered, but I don't understand this implication that it's not something I actually want to do. The fact that I don't currently have any desire to sleep with anyone else doesn't mean that I don't truly want my partner to be able to sleep with others.

As for your second point: he's okay with my lower sex drive on an intellectual level, but in practice, he's not. When we haven't had sex for a while, he withdraws emotionally and physically.

...ha. It's a funny thing. As I typed that, I realized the futility of all of this. You're right: it is a band-aid. It's something to cover up a problem that he has.

Well. That's a start, then.

Thank you and to everyone else.

AYRT

Well...you say 'Hey, I'm interested in us being in a poly [or open, which isn't the same thing as other's have pointed out] relationship. What do you think?' The catch here is that poly relationships rely on open and honest communication even more than monogamous ones. If nothing else, you need it because jealousies and insecurities do happen, and you need to be able to talk about that and work it out.

If you didn't want another relationship, you wouldn't 'need' to be in one, or even interested in one. Most triads are actually set up with one person being the 'pivot', and the other two have some form of platonic relationship between them, while being romantically involved with the pivot [at least in my experience].

But...yeah. It seems as if you've got some stuff to sort out before it'd be a good thing to talk over, if you were even that interested in it. Best of luck sorting it out!

Yeah this.

I often have the same problem. I'm all "No I am smart and you are so nice and I know your needs and I am not fulfilling them WARGH I AM HORRIBLE HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME IN A WORLD WITH SO MANY BETTER OPTIONS ;____;"

Not projecting is hard but you might be projecting. Don't go projecting some other girl onto your guy's dick just because, okay?

I'm leaving you to become a Beiber Groupie. You see those nude pics? mmmm

In my limited experience, opening up a relationship that was initially negotiated as monogamous (or assumed monogamous on both sides by default) is extremely difficult. I would also argue that if any of the partners involved are actively trying to prevent the development of romantic connections, it may be an open relationship, and nothing's wrong with that, but it's probably not polyamory and you might want to avoid labeling it that way, as it will confuse and potentially disappoint potential other partners.

Having said that, the Spouse and I have a similar libido mismatch, albeit in the opposite direction, and my having other partners has worked well to take the pressure off of him. We started off the relationship knowing that I fell in love with more than one person at once, though, and we were at least poly-in-theory from the get-go. Transitioning to poly-in-practice brought up some anxiety issues about abandonment on his part, but once we worked through them and he could see I had no intention of giving up a good thing when I could have it and my new shiny too, he got over them. Occasionally they resurface, we have a talk and a good cuddle, and we go on. One of my other relationships recently went on hiatus because my other partner realized he really couldn't handle long distance, but we're still friends and I hope he'll get back to a place in his life where he has the spare energy for me again.

OH THE POLYAMORY

...oh thank you, the laugh is much appreciated.

If you're not looking for romantic involvement, you're not looking for poly, but for an open relationship. As someone else suggested, friends with benefits arrangement(s) might work. If he goes the casual sex route, though, it's just a matter of being upfront about not wanting anything serious.

I successfully went from a monogamous relationship to an open one, but I'm not sure how much I can offer you in terms of advice because mine is open both ways and the one who didn't feel fulfilled by monogamy was me. Anyway, be prepared for bewilderment from people who learn about it - most people will assume he's taking advantage of you.

I can't really give you advice on this, but I can point you to http://reddit.com/r/deadbedrooms where there are actually a lot of other people in similar situations to you and your husband posting and talking about things. Maybe something in there might help? There are reading list things in the sidebar, too.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2414 ]

Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Allright you convinced me

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Helpful visual aid

Re: Helpful visual aid

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship

Re: Introducing Polyamory into a Previously Monogamous Relationship