[ SECRET POST #2823 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2823 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 018 secrets from Secret Submission Post #403.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

I know there's a difference, but I'd like to hear how people would describe it, because I sure as hell couldn't pinpoint or articulate it.

And by "asexual" I mean that the people have no interest in sex or sexual desire, not just that they don't have sex.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[saku]

an asexual romance would naturally have romance in it, and friendships generally don't. that's why they're friendships and not romantic relationships (though you can have both). aces can fall in love without feeling sexual desire.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

DA

How do they express that love, then, if there's no sexual desire?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

The same way sexual people express love when they're not having sex.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[saku]

through the expression of romantic feelings? you don't think sex is love, do you?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[hallokatzchen]

Asexual Romance: You're in love with someone (BF/GF/Spouse), but you don't make love.

Really Close Friendship: You love a person enough to consider them like family.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[darkmanifest]

Dunno about you, but I wouldn't, say, cuddle in bed with or kiss/make out with a friend no matter how close we were, and I was under the impression that asexual romances often involved things like that, romantic intimacy without sex. (I mean, I guess there's platonic buddies out there who do things like that, but I figured they were really uncommon.)

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

This

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[nightscale]

+1

I could probably cuddle/snuggle with some of my really close friends, but making out or kissing? Nope, that ain't happening.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, but how is making out not sexual?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[darkmanifest]

Same way cuddling isn't? Intimate =/= sexual. You can get pleasure from kissing without it being sexual pleasure (hence why even sexual people can kiss for hours without it leading to sex). I figure romantic asexuals just feel that way 24/7.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think cuddling is romantic at all. I cuddle with my mom, my cat, and yes, my friends. I cuddle with my close female friends while watching movies, and have spooned in bed with female friends. Not sexual, but also not romantic.

Actually, I think a lot of that is purely cultural. When I was in Korea, it was really normal for female friends to hold hands while walking down the streets. And in some countries, kissing friends is a lot more normal. Maybe not making out, granted, but I don't think any of that is inherently romantic.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[case]

One is romance and one is friendship.

What's the difference between a romance between a heterosexual guy+girl and really close friendship? Even if you hypothetically cut out all sex, the feelings and intimacy and non-sexual attraction in the scenarios would be different, wouldn't they? They'd be boyfriend/girlfriend in one, and friends in the other.

It's the same difference.

(Also: what specifically it means to be "in love" and to be "close friends" varies from person to person - and lots of people are also good friends with their romantic partners - which is why it's impossible to give a standard set of "this is what friendship vs love looks like" list of qualifiers.)

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's something that varies from person to person but for me I think the main difference is level of commitment plus, to a certain extent, physical affection. I think, in general terms, kissing/cuddling/holding hands/sharing a bed aren't things most people do with people they consider "just a friend" (although I know there are exceptions obviously) but they are things you'd do with someone you're romantically involved with. But I think commitment is the main thing. Living together (and sharing a bedroom), wanting to get married, sharing a bank account, having pets and possibly kids, going on vacations together, just wanting to spend your lives together. I supposed someone could consider someone they wanted to do all these things with a friend but I think it would be unusual, and I guess it just goes back to everyone having a different idea of where the line between friendship/romance is.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

one word: jealousy.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

Not exactly sure which that applies to, since both can easily feel jealous if someone else tries to move in on their perceived territory.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

Though I get jealous of my best friend... it's stupid, I know, but you still get the feeling of being replaced all the time.

The movie Bridesmaids was essentially my life, minus the wedding.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[making_excuses]

One is called a friendship the other is called a relationship, that is the only definite thing, all the other stuff is up to the individuals.

Just like the difference between friends with benefits and a relationship, which in my case is quite similar, but for others they could be on different planets.

It all comes down to what you define it as, I have had friendships that have been closer emotionally than relationships, I've had friendships that have been more physical than my relationships, it all came down to other factors that changed depending on the people involved...

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[nayance]

Pretty much this.

I'm asexual and aromantic, but I've got a (non-sexual, non-romantic) relationship with someone who I'm fine being physically affectionate with in a lot of the ways described above; anyone looking in on us would think that we're totally dating but we don't love each other like that and don't consider ourselves to be in a relationship. (We jokingly call each other 'domestic partners' because we're so domestic that it's disgusting, but it's too clinical to be romantic.)

My main point is that it's non-romantic because we both say it's non-romantic; this is not what romance feels like to him, and I don't love like that. Therefore it's not romantic.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

An agreement not to be in a relationship with other people without permission. Once people decide they're in a committed relationship, bam, it's happened.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

I'm skeptical, myself. I've had several really, really close female friends, who I'd snuggle with, share beds with, link arms with while walking, and be "cute" with. To the point where everyone else always thinks we're "together" (there have been three friends throughout my life who have fit into this category). I've made out with my current best friend while having drinks, and I'm happy to kiss her on the cheek while we're sober. But there isn't really sexual attraction. I guess you could say she's more like a "sister" but I don't think that describes it, either, because I wouldn't kiss my sisters. Just dear friends.

I don't want to judge anyone else's relationship, but I can't really see how the concept of romance can be split from sexuality. I get having a close friend in a "relationship" that essentially mirrors a typical couple, and maybe there's commitment and so on. I get that type of relationship. I understand. "Asexual relationship", perfect, indicates commitment and partnership. But I just have trouble with changing terminology to describe something that it isn't. Why does it differ from a friendship, when friendships themselves can be sweet and intimate, while not being sexual?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

Do you buy a home and open a joint checking account and adopt children or cats with a friend? Do you expect to be buried next to your friend when you're both dead? Candlelit dinners on Valentine's Day?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[saku]

it differs in that one relationship includes people who love each other and the other includes people who are in love with each other. two people can be in love and still omit sex from their activities. it's honestly that simple and i'm sorry you're having such a difficult time wrapping your head around the concept.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

People generally tend to prioritize lovers over friends, even best friends.

If you're doing all these things with your firend and you cannot imagine doing them with anyone else (including a person you'd have sex with) and you both consider each other you most important person, then what you have with your friend IS an asexual romance, you're just not using that name for it.

Most friendships do not actually look like this.

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

[(Anonymous)]

I guess the only thing I can come up with "asexual romance" vs "really close friendship" is exclusivity? I mean, if you're in a committed relationship with someone, but not having sex, it's still a committed relationship. Friendships aren't exclusive, committed relationships (at least, they probably shouldn't be).

Then again, if someone says they are a polyamorous asexual I really don't know what to think lol