fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2958 ]

[ SECRET POST #2958 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2958 ⌋

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I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We're both 21. This is my first serious relationship, and I'm the second girl he's every been sexually active with. Still young in a lot of things.

There's this girl who he's been talking to since he was 12. They met online, and he met her for the first time just over 2 years ago, so him and I were a couple months into our relationship at the time.

She's trouble. She attracts the worst kinds of men into her life, the kind who are drug dealers, rapists, woman-beaters/general fighters, the kind who would have a wide variety of weapons, and not just to collect. She used to call my boyfriend all of the time, whether it be because she's crying and she needs comfort, or because she needs him to pick her up from somewhere. He constantly worried about her, and would talk about her lots, yet none of it was ever positive. As his girlfriend, this is pretty hard.

There's a pattern with her though. Whenever things are going really great in our relationship, I will never hear from her. There was actually this one time she was brought up (relevant to the conversation we were having, I think), and he realized "I forget that person even exists, I don't talk to her anymore." I'm paraphrasing, but I remember that he most definitely referred to her as "that person". Which was... a good thing, I suppose? He never had to worry about her, and I never had to worry.

But lately he has been going on about dreams he's had of me cheating on him, and every time I pick up my phone for texts (which is about a couple of times a day, if that - I'm not attached to my phone), he'll "jokingly" ask "oh, is that your boyfriend?" "is it a boy?" and it's USUALLY my brother, sister, or dad. So last night, I finally asked "well, do you text girls?" because I needed to know where this was coming from. He said "only (insert her name)" and had to hold back from rolling my eyes. Again? I thought. And I realized, wait, him and I had a fight at the beginning of this week, and also the week before. Both of them the result of a personality clash. So, out loud, I said "very interesting." and he got all upset when he realized I wasn't being sarcastic.

We aren't talking. I'm at his house, but I'm in another room. I feel really anxious - I'm shaking and my head feels hot. I'm not mad, I'm just sad. He is the kind of guy who has so many friends, but whenever him and I fight (which we both resolve the next day if it happens at night - we're pretty good about that), she comes back into his life. He even said "I've known her longer than I've known your brother" (who he is best friends with), and that upset me because he met her online. I know full well what it's like to connect with people online (F!S, anyone?), but I feel like you can't actually "know" any of them until you meet them, spend time with them. So the fact that he's using it against me makes me question so many things.

The scary thing is, I don't think I trust him. He's always so different around girls, and so concerned with whether or not they like him. He's still very young, as am I, so I guess it's normal for a guy his age. Especially since he has only ever been with 2 women. I don't know what to do, I don't even know how to feel. All I know is this isn't jealousy. I don't approve of her as a person in his life, but I don't hate her or even dislike her. I don't trust her, naturally, but if anything were to happen, I would not remember her - my focus would be all on him and how he screwed everything up. It's him who's making me upset.

Am I in the wrong? Is this 'pattern' that I see something I should be concerned about? I just don't know.

She attracts the worst kinds of men into her life, the kind who are drug dealers, rapists, woman-beaters/general fighters, the kind who would have a wide variety of weapons, and not just to collect. She used to call my boyfriend all of the time, whether it be because she's crying and she needs comfort, or because she needs him to pick her up from somewhere. He constantly worried about her, and would talk about her lots, yet none of it was ever positive. As his girlfriend, this is pretty hard.

You were upset because he was worried about his friend when she felt threatened by drug dealers, rapists, and domestic abusers? Classy.

Sounds like OP is insecure too but not in a harmful way imo. Unless she's said things to him about it in a nagging way.

Eh, but the way this was written? I take this as she was quietly worrying.

Just as an aside I completely disagree with "you can't know someone unless you meet them IRL" -- several of my friends I've known for 10+ years but only online, and even though we're scattered pretty far and wide I don't really feel much of a difference between them and someone I know in person. Might have something to do with how long I've known them, though.

Anyway:

This is definitely a trust issue, and it's clear that even if he doesn't physically cheat on you (which I'm not betting on, btw) he's definitely fickle with his heart. That he (ostensibly) completely forgets this girl when you guys are in good shape, but as soon as you guys have a fight he un-forgets, is very telling to me.

He's kind of a shitty friend AND a shitty boyfriend. My advice is drop him like a jizzy potato.

Seconded. I have a LOT of online and offline friends, and since I move all the damn time, the categories often switch or merge.

And yeah, dude isn't someone I'd want around. Forgets close friends when it's convenient, jealous? Yeah, not my type for sure.

--Rogan

This is coming from what I've observed from other people, so take with a grain of salt...

Like you said, he's still learning how to do relationships, and some insecurity shows there.

It could be that having her around in his life is like an emergency back-up. If things go south with you, he comforts himself knowing that she's still around. Not necessarily romantically, but as a close relationship that guarantees he won't be alone if you two break up. Whether this is happening consciously on his part or not, who knows?

I don't know about patterns, but you're both very young and insecure. Three years dating this guy and you don't trust him? Yeah, that's not good.

On the other hand, his "jokes" about texting boys are probably not really jokes if he's making them this often, they're his insecurity talking. If you're tired of these remarks, you need to tell him so, gently but very firmly. "I know you think this is funny, but I don't. If you don't trust me, then we need to talk about that. If you do trust me, then the comments need to stop."

Your BF has a co-dependent relationship with this girl. Being needed and her treating him like a knight in shining armor can be addictive, even if he doesn't have any feelings for her. I'd focus not on what you think is happening or how you feel about her, but on his actual behavior. Is he ignoring you for her? Shutting you out emotionally? Focus on that, not her role in it even if she has one.

I think you both need to have a talk about this.

For one thing, I think you should BOTH be able to text opposite sex friends without having to worry about it. Healthy relationships include having friends of your own.

But that being said, you really do need to talk to him about this girl and how you feel about it. Also ask him how he feels about you having guy friends that you text.

If he thinks it's okay to have this girl in his life but he doesn't want you texting guys, that can be a major red flag. He shouldn't be allowed to do anything in the relationship that you can't.

Basically, try to have a calm discussion about it. You can't continue to feel the way you've been feeling, it's natural to have insecurities in a relationship but you have to try to work through them. Best of luck.

Yeah, you put it better than I was going to.

If he's all suspicious of her having guy friends and she's all suspicious of him having this girl friend, neither has the moral high ground here. They're doing the same thing.

If he's not getting ready to cheat on you, he's going to. That's assuming this girl lives a good distance away. If she's chose it's likely he's already cheating on you.

Besides, he sounds like a jerk and you don't need that. Someone who is "going on about dreams he's had of me cheating on him" and acting like that when you talk to guys is toxic.

EDIT: Oh man. You mean she's calling him to pick her up? Yeah. He's either cheating or wants to. I'm not saying this because she's a female friend. I'm saying this because of his other behavior.

Question: does he freak out when you almost see a text from her? Are you never allowed to see their conversations?

Edited 2015-02-09 01:16 (UTC)

Whoa, that's a hell of a conclusion to jump to. I don't get "cheater" out of that-- I certainly get "insecure with white-knight tendencies", but I wouldn't jump straight to "he's cheating."

Granted, we could talk about what constitutes emotional cheating, and if that's what's going on, but it's entirely possible that they are in fact just friends.

Oh wow. So wait. A guy worried about his friend is a "white-knight" now?

No. I'm suspicious because she comes up when they fight and he's acting all suspicious of OP cheating.

OP, dump him. Whether he's a cheater or not this is an unhealthy relationship.

I wouldn't necessarily agree that he's definitely cheating or going to cheat. A lot of what the OP describes would raise alarm bells for me, but I'm also a very jealous and insecure person. If the OP is, too, her view of events might be skewed. (To the OP: You can be jealous without disliking her. Jealousy is often about the person you care about, not the person they care about.)

But on the other hand, I wouldn't rule cheating out. It mostly depends on how he acts in other areas. Does he talk openly on the phone with her, or is their friendship very hush-hush? Would he be upset if you accidentally looked at his email inbox/text record? Does he 'work late' a lot, or is he hard to get ahold of when he's out with friends?

I think the OP would need to look hard at her relationship and their history unless there are more red flags than 'he's got a friend and she's a girl and they're pretty close sometimes'.

But I also think this is the sort of thing her and her bf need to seriously talk about.

I think this is not the worst advice. It's pessimistic but a realistic perspective and it's good to remember that. And also, that you can just dump the dude.

I kind of tend to agree. The dreaming about cheating thing combined with the constant weird jealousy about texting sounds like the beginning of something bad, and probably some kind of projection by him.
Either way, it's not healthy.

Horrible as ever. Chard.

OP, I'm sure you know, but Chard is a particularly malignant troll. I'd be hesitant to take her advice on anything, particularly matters of romance.

She coulda phrased it better, but she's kind of right. There are two huge flags here: he talks to this girl whenever things are going bad in the relationship (and pretends he doesn't even know her otherwise, which, c'mon, you don't just "forget" about someone you've been talking to for 11 years), and he suddenly, out of nowhere, has gotten really paranoid about OP cheating.

Thing is, it's really, really common for someone who's cheating or seriously thinking about cheating to start projecting onto their partner. They wanna divert attention from themselves and they also think, "well, if I'm cheating, why wouldn't they cheat, too?" Dollars to donuts if he isn't already fooling around, he's planning to.

It really, really sucks, but that's most likely what's going on at this point.

Did I insult your OC or something

To be totally honest, if you can afford it, and if you want to stay together/see a future for the two of you, I would highly suggest seeing a couples' counselor. You both seem to have some pretty aggressive insecurity and trust issues, and that absolutely needs to be acknowledged if you're going to make a long run of it.

If you honestly can't see this continuing on into the future, however: now might be the time to start thinking about amicably breaking up. I know that sounds extreme, but this sounds like something that's only going to make you more and more miserable if you drag it out without tending to the deeper issues at play.

OP, you're only fucking 21. You are not married to this dude. I'm going to assume you do not have children.

You're free. Act like it.

Dude, settle. I met the person I married when I was 20, and that's not unusual. All I'm saying is if she sees a future with him, they need to deal with their issues. If she doesn't, then yeah, break up.

Re: Counterpoint

chardmonster - 2015-02-09 01:25 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Counterpoint

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-09 01:32 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Counterpoint

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-09 01:38 (UTC) - Expand

I do actually want to mention, not because OP mentioned it but as a general PSA: do NOT go to a couples' (or family) counselor if you suspect the relationship might be abusive. (Yes, I know, trying to know from the inside can be really difficult, but still.)

A relationship counselor often focuses on MENDING the relationship, which when abuse comes into play can mean the abuser ropes the counselor into justifying the abusive behavior. And it seems a lot of them aren't trained in actually dealing with abuse, so they may not recognize it. (Especially since most abusers will claim their behavior is justified.)

Going to an individual counselor to talk about your own relationship patterns can be really useful. Just be careful going to couples' or family therapy if abuse might be a thing.

--Rogan

A couples counselor? They're 21. Chances are very good this won't be ending in marriage, it's just another milestone in both their romantic lives.

Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

chardmonster - 2015-02-09 05:08 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-09 07:08 (UTC) - Expand

Seriously? A couples counselor for two people in their early 20s? I'm sure you mean well, but that's not what couples counseling is for, anon. The reason is that couples counseling is for long haul relationships, not people who have barely started dating and probably will be moving on sooner or later. Both of them having some growing up to do, and need the kind of experience that can only be gained through practice, i.e. having more relationships, dating a wider range of people and learning as they go.

this resonates with me in two ways: one, i can empathise with your feelings, because this has happened to me a couple of times, and two, i've displayed some of your boyfriend's behaviour in the past.

re: the latter - if your boyfriend is anything like me, it's not something he's doing to mess with you or because he's getting cold feet about your relationship. either of those are possible ofc but it's not inherent. i was seeing a guy that i really really loved, deeply. he was the first person i ever fell in love with and i knew he was in love with me too. but he strung me along and fucked with me (unintentionally but he didn't bother to think mots of the time) and it tore us apart. he was also very jealous and both he and this Other Guy i had been talking to gave me an ultimatum which required that i pick one of them, so i did. but whenever i would argue or have a falling out with this person i would think of the one i had to let go, even though he was rly shitty tbh. i'd also think of other guys who i was no longer in touch with. it wasn't because i wanted to cheat on my guy or because i was having second thoughts - it was because, in times where i wasn't getting along with my guy, i felt very alone. i missed other people. it sounds like your guy has quite a few friends so that might not be it, but it's something to consider.

eta: i've also dealt with guys who were jealous of my other friends but didn't apply the same standards to their own interactions. sometime's the reasoning is sexist but other times it's a red flag, as others have said. i've also had a few times (most of which were with my current guy) where he'd be pissed off about a dream he had. one time i fucked vladimir putin in his dream and he woke up, gave me a kiss and then looked me dead in the eye and went "bitch!" so yeah.
i think some of the advice already given has been harsh but it's definitely right of you to feel suspicious. of course, some of his behaviour is relatable to me ie. the not thinking about old friends when he feels fulfilled BUT this is assuming he isn't lying when he says he doesn't think about her when things are going well between you two. he could be using that as a weapon when things are rough, which is abusive.

Edited 2015-02-09 04:16 (UTC)

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[ SECRET POST #2958 ]

Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

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Dump his ass

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Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

Counterpoint

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Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman

Re: Boyfriend things... holy tl;dr batman