fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3179 ]

[ SECRET POST #3179 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3179 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Rupaul's Drag Race season 7]

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[Supernatural]

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[20th Century Boys]

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[The Mighty Boosh, Noel Fielding]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 014 secrets from Secret Submission Post #454.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So I found out today that one of my high school bullies died yesterday in a motorcycle accident. I found out because he was the son of family friends, so my parents told me.

This kid tormented me through elementary, middle school, and high school. The first time I met him was when we were staying with their family for several months while we looked for a house. At some point he sicked their rottweiler at me. It only got worse from there.

So I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling. I feel bad for his parents, certainly. But my parents seem to be expecting me to feel more sad that someone I knew died. And I'm just not feeling it.

I'm also feeling this sense of loss that I'll never now be able to confront him or get an apology. We haven't talked since high school. And I'm feeling guilty for feeling this way. Plus, this has brought back up all the stuff I thought I had worked through.

So how exactly am I supposed to be feeling? And how do I make myself stop feeling the things I shouldn't be feeling?

I don't think there's really any set "should" or "shouldn't". You just feel however you feel. I always thought I'd celebrate when my abuser died, but after it happened, I didn't feel like I needed to expend my energy on them anymore. I'm not mad, but I haven't forgotten.

I really wish I could get to that kind of place anon. Unfortunately for me, the surviving family decided that they would continue the harassment as my "deserved" (in their view) punishment, after the death. Which sucks, because I was in such a good place of being 100% done with it all, and had completely rebuilt my life free of their garbage. Or so I thought.

But you've got the perfect come back now! Do you need some aussies to teach you how to be banterous because I promise you can make them cry.

I have the best comeback? I did, but not anymore. Not while they attempt to drain me dry of all financial, physiological, and psychological resources, like the undying evil, soul-sucking, narcissistic vampires that they are.

So. Yeah.

Do you live with them?

That's utterly shitty. I'm sorry.

Everything you described sounds perfectly normal to me. If your parents are hassling you, you can try putting them off by saying how sorry you feel for his poor family, how it's a bit weird for you that a contemporary is dead, etc. I'd be tempted to be honest about your conflicted feelings and why they're conflicted, though. (Unless your parents are jerks and would react badly.) Basically that:

1) The deceased was really horrible and bullied you throughout school.
2) That maybe he changed/improved but you have no idea and never got to resolve those past issues.
3) That you feel sorry for the pain his family must be feeling.

Acknowledging other peoples' grief at a time like this is an appropriate, kind response. You're not obligated to feel bad for someone you only knew as a bully.

apathy

If it's been a long time since high school, he may have changed since then. Or maybe not. Either way, it's a loss of potential, and if there's something to be sad about, it'd be what he could have been, or what he could have been or chose not to be, depending.

If you need to fake sadness, or they want your opinion about it, you could think about it that way. What a loss of potential - including a chance at confrontation or apology or change.

You feel how you want to feel. I don't think feelings can really be controlled, especially not with things like this.

And the fact that you do feel bad for not really being sad over his death-well, if you didn't care at all, I don't think you'd feel any guilt or weirdness to begin with, so maybe you could take some comfort in that fact, knowing that you do have feelings about it, even if they are complicated ones?

And I don't blame you at all for wishing you'd had a chance to sort out the issues you had with the guy-that's a very typical regret after a death, whether you liked the person who died or not. Everyone eventually gets to thinking about the things they wish they'd said or done with/to the person who died. And in this case, it sounds like that could've helped you move on and maybe even helped the bully see the error of his ways. I'm sorry you never got the chance to do that.

If you want to help yourself sort out these feelings, though, I think talking about them with trusted people is the best way to go. Or maybe writing them out somewhere could help. Maybe write out all the things you wanted to say to this bully (if you haven't done so already) to help get it all off your chest.

And since you said you feel bad for his parents, a small gesture to them of some kind-a card or something-could help, too (if you want to do something like that, of course).

But yeah. You've every right to the feelings you have. Do whatever helps you work through them.

There's no set guidelines and if you're not cut up about it you're not. I would suggest if anyone asks about your feelings in the matter, stick to neutral phrases like "what a sad situation/ I feel for his family" etc. your family will hopefully move on As well.

But no need to cloister away in mourning clothes because someone you barely knew died.

Wow, this is going to be how people talk about me if I die in the next few years.

Well, more "creep" than "bully" maybe.

There is not correct response. The societal ideal is that you're supposed to "not speak ill of the dead" but realistically that's bullshit. It's not wrong to maintain the ill will you had toward someone in life if that person was legitimately cruel to you and caused you pain.

And it sounds like that was definitely the case here.

In my case my dad died when I was 19. I still don't hesitate to talk about his bad points, because it lets me remember him for who he was.

tl;dr don't censor your own experience because someone else expects you to. You have a right to your own indignation. The only helpful thing I can say here is that you probably would never have gotten an apology. Bullies tend to remain bullies for life, and I don't think this would have been an exception.

Edited 2015-09-18 02:14 (UTC)

Your parents can expect whatever they want, they can't force you to feel what you don't feel.

You feel bad for his parents. That's what you feel, and that's good enough. You haven't seen him since high school. You don't owe the little shit--rest his soul--anything else.

Your sense of loss at not having an apology/confrontation is on you though. Not trying to be mean, but if you haven't talked to him in years, how does that change things? Judging from what you've said about him, he wasn't about to apologize to you before. So...why is it different now?

Of course, you're allowed to feel that loss. It sucks when someone never acknowledges the hell they put you through, no matter who they are. I don't think there is a "should or shouldn't feel" about it here. What do you WANT to feel? Do you want to be sad like your parents think you should? Do you want to stick to feeling sad for his parents? Do you want to wallow in the misery of the old memories? Do you want to mentally curse the dead guy in the afterlife for the bad things he did to you? Do you want to put away these bad episodes and let go of the wish that he'll realize what a jerk he was and give you a genuine apology?

I think it's just something you have to figure out, and not something people can tell you. Maybe this "loss" IS your grief, something you have to work through. But only you can say for sure.

There's no exact way you should be feeling, though feeling bad for the people who loved the person that died is always appropriate.

seem to be expecting me to feel more sad that someone I knew died. And I'm just not feeling it. Even the death of someone you liked but didn't know well wouldn't necessarily engender great sadness.

It's normal to want acknowledgement of someone's bad treatment of you, weirdly, it can sometimes help you put it behind you more easily.

Guilt, shock, sadness, fear, facing your own mortality, anger, and numbness are all normal. And even happiness (as in the case of someone no longer being in great pain) or relief can be too. Just one of them, or all of them, or some of them, or different ones as you process it, or even all of them at the same time can happen. Everybody deals with death differently. You don't have to go through the five stages of grief (those stages are actually about how people who are terminal react to being terminal).

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[ SECRET POST #3179 ]

TW: Bullying and death

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