[ SECRET POST #3179 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3179 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Rupaul's Drag Race season 7]


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[Supernatural]


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[20th Century Boys]


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[The Mighty Boosh, Noel Fielding]


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 014 secrets from Secret Submission Post #454.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice

[philstar22]

Here's a thread for asking advice. I'll be posting mine once things collapse because it will have triggering content.

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Can I include a question rather than advice? Or just make a new comment for questions?

Re: Advice

[philstar22]

Feel free to do whatever you want with this.

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you kindly! I've got a question.

So I'm driving home and hear the text notification. Stopped at a light, I see it's from a number I don't recognize that says "You just drove past me! Hi!" I could see there was prior text history from the number but no time to read it. So I texted back that I didn't have a name for this phone # but got a message the text never went through.

Got home, read through the text history and remembered it from a guy I knew three years ago.

So here's my question: could the guy have legitimately texted me or did some hacker try to send spam text to my phone and it was a Good Thing my text didn't go through?

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Either way I don't think it hurts you. Unless you really wanted to talk to that guy?

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

block it like it's hot

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, you're a jerk for texting behind the wheel, even at a stoplight.

Oh wait.

It's entirely possible the guy still remembers you, and it's also possible someone else has his old number. If you're not interested, then either way, it's a good thing your text didn't go through.

TW: Bullying and death

[philstar22]

So I found out today that one of my high school bullies died yesterday in a motorcycle accident. I found out because he was the son of family friends, so my parents told me.

This kid tormented me through elementary, middle school, and high school. The first time I met him was when we were staying with their family for several months while we looked for a house. At some point he sicked their rottweiler at me. It only got worse from there.

So I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling. I feel bad for his parents, certainly. But my parents seem to be expecting me to feel more sad that someone I knew died. And I'm just not feeling it.

I'm also feeling this sense of loss that I'll never now be able to confront him or get an apology. We haven't talked since high school. And I'm feeling guilty for feeling this way. Plus, this has brought back up all the stuff I thought I had worked through.

So how exactly am I supposed to be feeling? And how do I make myself stop feeling the things I shouldn't be feeling?

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think there's really any set "should" or "shouldn't". You just feel however you feel. I always thought I'd celebrate when my abuser died, but after it happened, I didn't feel like I needed to expend my energy on them anymore. I'm not mad, but I haven't forgotten.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[paranoid_anon]

I really wish I could get to that kind of place anon. Unfortunately for me, the surviving family decided that they would continue the harassment as my "deserved" (in their view) punishment, after the death. Which sucks, because I was in such a good place of being 100% done with it all, and had completely rebuilt my life free of their garbage. Or so I thought.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

Everything you described sounds perfectly normal to me. If your parents are hassling you, you can try putting them off by saying how sorry you feel for his poor family, how it's a bit weird for you that a contemporary is dead, etc. I'd be tempted to be honest about your conflicted feelings and why they're conflicted, though. (Unless your parents are jerks and would react badly.) Basically that:

1) The deceased was really horrible and bullied you throughout school.
2) That maybe he changed/improved but you have no idea and never got to resolve those past issues.
3) That you feel sorry for the pain his family must be feeling.

Acknowledging other peoples' grief at a time like this is an appropriate, kind response. You're not obligated to feel bad for someone you only knew as a bully.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

apathy

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

If it's been a long time since high school, he may have changed since then. Or maybe not. Either way, it's a loss of potential, and if there's something to be sad about, it'd be what he could have been, or what he could have been or chose not to be, depending.

If you need to fake sadness, or they want your opinion about it, you could think about it that way. What a loss of potential - including a chance at confrontation or apology or change.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

You feel how you want to feel. I don't think feelings can really be controlled, especially not with things like this.

And the fact that you do feel bad for not really being sad over his death-well, if you didn't care at all, I don't think you'd feel any guilt or weirdness to begin with, so maybe you could take some comfort in that fact, knowing that you do have feelings about it, even if they are complicated ones?

And I don't blame you at all for wishing you'd had a chance to sort out the issues you had with the guy-that's a very typical regret after a death, whether you liked the person who died or not. Everyone eventually gets to thinking about the things they wish they'd said or done with/to the person who died. And in this case, it sounds like that could've helped you move on and maybe even helped the bully see the error of his ways. I'm sorry you never got the chance to do that.

If you want to help yourself sort out these feelings, though, I think talking about them with trusted people is the best way to go. Or maybe writing them out somewhere could help. Maybe write out all the things you wanted to say to this bully (if you haven't done so already) to help get it all off your chest.

And since you said you feel bad for his parents, a small gesture to them of some kind-a card or something-could help, too (if you want to do something like that, of course).

But yeah. You've every right to the feelings you have. Do whatever helps you work through them.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[caerbannog]

There's no set guidelines and if you're not cut up about it you're not. I would suggest if anyone asks about your feelings in the matter, stick to neutral phrases like "what a sad situation/ I feel for his family" etc. your family will hopefully move on As well.

But no need to cloister away in mourning clothes because someone you barely knew died.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, this is going to be how people talk about me if I die in the next few years.

Well, more "creep" than "bully" maybe.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[herpymcderp]

There is not correct response. The societal ideal is that you're supposed to "not speak ill of the dead" but realistically that's bullshit. It's not wrong to maintain the ill will you had toward someone in life if that person was legitimately cruel to you and caused you pain.

And it sounds like that was definitely the case here.

In my case my dad died when I was 19. I still don't hesitate to talk about his bad points, because it lets me remember him for who he was.

tl;dr don't censor your own experience because someone else expects you to. You have a right to your own indignation. The only helpful thing I can say here is that you probably would never have gotten an apology. Bullies tend to remain bullies for life, and I don't think this would have been an exception.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

Your parents can expect whatever they want, they can't force you to feel what you don't feel.

You feel bad for his parents. That's what you feel, and that's good enough. You haven't seen him since high school. You don't owe the little shit--rest his soul--anything else.

Your sense of loss at not having an apology/confrontation is on you though. Not trying to be mean, but if you haven't talked to him in years, how does that change things? Judging from what you've said about him, he wasn't about to apologize to you before. So...why is it different now?

Of course, you're allowed to feel that loss. It sucks when someone never acknowledges the hell they put you through, no matter who they are. I don't think there is a "should or shouldn't feel" about it here. What do you WANT to feel? Do you want to be sad like your parents think you should? Do you want to stick to feeling sad for his parents? Do you want to wallow in the misery of the old memories? Do you want to mentally curse the dead guy in the afterlife for the bad things he did to you? Do you want to put away these bad episodes and let go of the wish that he'll realize what a jerk he was and give you a genuine apology?

I think it's just something you have to figure out, and not something people can tell you. Maybe this "loss" IS your grief, something you have to work through. But only you can say for sure.

Re: TW: Bullying and death

[(Anonymous)]

There's no exact way you should be feeling, though feeling bad for the people who loved the person that died is always appropriate.

seem to be expecting me to feel more sad that someone I knew died. And I'm just not feeling it. Even the death of someone you liked but didn't know well wouldn't necessarily engender great sadness.

It's normal to want acknowledgement of someone's bad treatment of you, weirdly, it can sometimes help you put it behind you more easily.

Guilt, shock, sadness, fear, facing your own mortality, anger, and numbness are all normal. And even happiness (as in the case of someone no longer being in great pain) or relief can be too. Just one of them, or all of them, or some of them, or different ones as you process it, or even all of them at the same time can happen. Everybody deals with death differently. You don't have to go through the five stages of grief (those stages are actually about how people who are terminal react to being terminal).

Ettiquette Classes

[(Anonymous)]

I am going to eat at some fancy restaurants. As someone who has never had any kind of...etiquette/manners lessons, how important are they? Not stuff like don't chew with your mouth open and such. I got that. But stuff like forks/spoons, napkin use, etc.

Re: Ettiquette Classes

[(Anonymous)]

Not very important at all, unless you're going to some incredibly, ridiculously fancy restaurants. All that old dinner party shit is extremely out of date at most restaurant. As long as you just try to be neat and do your best, you'll probably be fine.

Re: Ettiquette Classes

[paranoid_anon]

What kind of "fancy" are we talking? Old-fashioned fancy? If there's an armoury of cutlery waiting for you, start from the outside, and work your way in as the courses progress.

Or will these places be the "enjoy this single chive sprig that I've lightly dusted with two grains of flame-roasted and then dried chili pepper, dredged and flash-fried in liquid nitrogen" fancy? Because the only etiquette advice I can give for that is, eat a proper meal before you go, and do try not to laugh at the absurdity of it all. If it is the latter type of place, the waiters will probably have to tell you how to eat the food, anyway, as there's usually some "notion" behind it.

The mid-way point between these two extremes is usually A) eat before you go because you still won't get enough food and B) the food will be fancy/decoratively arranged, but you should have normal cutlery, and be able to eat in a reasonable manner.

Re: Ettiquette Classes

[(Anonymous)]

(A) has almost never been my experience, and I am a reasonably hungry fat dude who has eaten at a fair number of fancy and high-end restaurants

Re: Ettiquette Classes

[(Anonymous)]

You probably know most of this already, but...

Don't dive in before your host starts eating; don't blow your nose or fart at the table (and if you do end up farting, don't lift your butt to let the wind escape). Don't hold your utensils in your fists like they're weapons. Don't cut up all your meat before you start eating; cut one or two pieces at a time, as you go. Wipe your mouth before you take a drink so you don't leave a mess of grease on the lip of your glass. Don't put your utensils down on the table after you've used them, and don't rest them with one end on the table and the other on the plate, like oars.

Try not to worry too much; you'll probably be fine. Enjoy the fancy cuisine, and I hope the company is good. Don't forget to save room for dessert. Some of these fancy places have amazing desserts.

Re: Ettiquette Classes

[belladonna_took]

A lot of fancy people have worse table manners than you would believe, so don't stress.

If someone brings you something you're not sure how to eat, you can say it's your first time trying it and you're not sure how it's supposed to be eaten. If the staff are friendly and have enough experience, they won't make you feel silly for asking questions.

If it's a set course meal and the table is laid out already (you have lots of forks) you generally start with the smaller ones on the outside for entrees and the big one near the middle is for the main course.
Set your knife and fork at 6 (the bottom of your plate) when you'd like it cleared, or keep it out to the sides if you're not finished yet.

Don't disturb the other tables or be rude to the staff, and you're good, IMO.