[ SECRET POST #4719 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4719 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 38 secrets from Secret Submission Post #676.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

03. https://i.imgur.com/40q7EBL.png

[(Anonymous)]

Well, you don't have kids so that is probably why you can't imagine it. It is a hard thing to imagine. And yeah, some parents feel that way but fic is about wish fulfillment. So, that kind of scene is a harder sell.

[(Anonymous)]

But they also might not feel that way or be able to imagine it if they did have kids. It's not a universal reality that people that way, and it gets presented as a universal truth in fiction, and it's annoying and slightly sickly-sweet-nauseating.

[(Anonymous)]

I knew someone would trot out the tired old "well you don't have kids" argument.

[(Anonymous)]

And those of us who do have kids and didn't feel it immediately can attest to the fact that it doesn't happen that way for everyone. I always assumed it would because that's what everything/everyone told me would happen. It didn't. The special bond developed over time.

[(Anonymous)]

OP didn't say they couldn't imagine it, they said they couldn't relate. Your comment is really condescending, but quite typical of the kinds of things parents say to people who don't have kids.

[bur]

On a related note, my BFF has the uuuuuugliest babies. So far they've all improved with age, and the one who was a premie has that excuse for always looking like he's staring into a cthonic abyss for the first few months, but good god. She can never know.

[(Anonymous)]

lol!

[(Anonymous)]

the one who was a premie has that excuse for always looking like he's staring into a cthonic abyss for the first few months

This cracked me up!

[tabaqui]

Pretty much every newborn is hideous, and they don't really get better for five or six months. Including my own. Babies are just....not cute for a while.

[(Anonymous)]

I'd like to see the opposite too where the characters don't instantly bond with their babies and/or are fearful of suddenly being charged with the care of a new human being. Heck, you can have both where a new parent thinks their baby is the most beautiful baby ever, but is also scared of how fragile the baby is and scared of screwing up. I get why it's not common in fic though since it's wish fulfillment and all that.

[(Anonymous)]

I guess I have to be the one to say it:

This trope has a strong basis in fact because childbirth involves the release of a lot of strong bonding chemicals, at least for the mother. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time, but it's the standard, not the exeption.

And to not get to sickly sweet about it, we evolved this particular chemical rush so we wouldn't murder these so far useless, tiny poopy yelly humans immediately.

[(Anonymous)]

It's interesting but I don't see how it makes a difference

[(Anonymous)]

Dude, you're not passing down lost wisdom the rest of us didn't know. Yeah, the trope has a scientific basis. Literally nobody is saying it's the exception. OP would just like some variety from that worn out cliche, which is perfectly reasonable.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, I think it's this assumption that makes a lot of women feel like they're doing something wrong when they DON'T feel this! I didn't get that release immediately. I loved my son, but that special bond, that chemical rush didn't come at the beginning. It grew and grew over time and became amazing, but those first few weeks I felt like a terrible mum because I didn't get that immediate rush.

[(Anonymous)]

My dad says it happened for him too, and so have some adoptive mothers I've known, so clearly the mechanism isn't totally childbirth-exclusive or -dependent. I do wonder how much wanting/being ready for a child interacts with your brain deciding to set off the lovebomb.

[(Anonymous)]

OP - I acknowledged right in the secret that it has a strong basis in reality. I am aware. We're all aware. That doesn't mean it's universal, nor should it be the only version of childbirth/new parenthood that's ever told.

I'd really like some stories that depicted a new parent feeling blank and/or struggling with the enormity of what they've taken on, and showing how they endure that and still end up being a good and loving parent.

I'd also like some stories where a person gets knocked up and doesn't suddenly feel grateful it happened once their child is born.

And when it comes specifically to fanfic, I'd really, really like some fics where a character feels trapped by their situation and ends up allowing someone they trust, who actually wants kids, to adopt their baby.

Plus a bunch of other diverse and rarely-seen scenarios I haven't listed.

[(Anonymous)]

I felt that way when my daughter was born. She was this screaming red faced mess but when the nurses put her in my arms for the first time I knew I would love her forever. And I don't even like people let alone love very easily. I still love her just as much even when she pisses me off.

But I understand not everyone feels that way. Hormones from pregnancy are wacky and can really screw you up.

Hmm.

[(Anonymous)]

For context, I've never had a baby myself and I don't really want kids myself, but I do like babies. I've been to births and newborns are actually kind of gross because they're covered with any number of bodily fluids, the vaginally delivered ones are kind of alien-looking because of how their heads deform during birth to fit down the birth canal (C-section babies generally have very round heads), and they are sometimes weirdly colored - a little blue or purple because of cord issues during birth, a little yellow because of jaundice, a little purple or red because of the difference in how they get oxygen. But still, even if someone doesn't feel any instant family connection, it's still kind of awe-inspiring because hey, new person. So, when I've read or seen what you're talking about, I just go with it because it makes sense to me on some level. But some people do feel fear, or blank, or overwhelmed or even all of those things plus the joy. I can tell you, though, when I write baby fic, I do want the characters to feel happy about the baby and connected to it. I might write something like blankness or something, but it would likely be in service to a different type of story.

[(Anonymous)]

That'd be a pretty hard hole to dig out of, but a very interesting one that's for sure. I don't like kid-fics of any kind, but I always like diversity within certain tropes. It almost seems more realistic for a mother to be apprehensive of having a child they didn't want, so it's really a missed opportunity that more things don't go in that direction.

[rosehiptea]

I agree. It's become a terrible cliche in published work too. I had a kid because I wanted one but I didn't immediately think I'd die for him - I was mostly just relieved that he was OK and a little confused because I hadn't done a lot of planning for the part after birth. If I had not wanted a kid I'd probably have been terrified.

[(Anonymous)]

I totally get you! That kind of scene is fine if the character knew they wanted kids but just didn't know what that feeling was like until it was real, but it's still a little stale... And I guess it does work if a character wasn't anti-kid but didn't know that they were pro-kid, because I can see that feeling being a surprise to someone who just wasn't sure until they had the kid, but like... it has to be written WELL to have any kind of an impact.

I mean, I'm also child-free, so it definitely bothers me when characters who don't want kids have those moments.

I think even with characters who know they want kids, it's just more realistic if they feel love and a desire to protect and ALSO fear and uncertainty!

[(Anonymous)]

Your brain is wired to want to protect your baby, so it's really just a question of biology. Even the way babies look is meant for you to find cute and want to care for and protect.

[(Anonymous)]

And I can't relate to most of the drivel romantic bullshit in fic. Hit the back button and move on. If you can't relate, that story isn't for you.

[meadowphoenix]

I agree with you that a diversity of reactions is more interesting, and frankly rife with more interesting character action.

that said...i do think "did not bond immediately with child" has gotten connected with Post-partum disorders in a way that you have to be careful to describe if you're not going the ppd route.