[ SECRET POST #2071 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2071 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Important: I'm really sorry about this, but I accidentally misclicked and deleted the submission post from last week instead of saving it. Managed to save the first page (25) of secrets, but the rest (about 100 or so) are gone.

If you submitted something last week (Aug 26-Sept 1), please resubmit it here.

The submissions post for next week is below as usual.

Secrets Left to Post: ?? pages, ??? secrets from Secret Submission Post #296.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

01. http://img207.imageshack.us/img207/324/31173316vjw0ptoq.png

[(Anonymous)]

"Sometimes I spend time with one group of friends instead of another."

Is this really a secret? Or a problem?

[visp]

This.

[naturedichotomy]

So much this!

[quidam]

You don't have to explain, you just have to be present. It's rude to constantly be texting or otherwise occupied when you're supposed to be with other people. Just because your online friends are real friends too doesn't mean you can ignore the people literally sitting across the room from you. If they have to ask, you're doing it too much. Split your time appropriately, even if it means saying no to a few invitations, so at least when you're with your RL friends you're not being so inconsiderate.

[nyxelestia]

Eh, if OP's friends and families consider online friends to be "not real friends", they might view it as a problem. My dad certainly worries about me not having enough "real" friends all the time, despite how often I explain to him that I do have real, sincere friends online - just because we haven't physically met doesn't mean the value of our friendships is any less. However, my father grew up in an environment where the only interaction possible with his friends was to be physically present with them (he was in lower-class India for most of his childhood, then military school, so even phones were out and letters were extremely limited), so this concept of a communication-based friendship having just as much emotional value as an activity-based friendship was hard for him to grasp.

Well, it still is - he still worries about me "not spending enough time with my friends", despite the fact I'm often out at school even when I don't have classes, because most of my RL friends are conveniently located there.

If that's your case, OP, don't worry about it.

[netbug009]

^This.

[(Anonymous)]

I get that feeling, anon.

"Why are you always at your computer?"
"Because it's where my friends are and those people I'm chatting with are as real as you or me, just further away?"

A lot of people have this weird mental block about "internet friends" and them not being as real or as important as ones who are there in the same room with you as if they're not real people or something. It's frustrating.

[(Anonymous)]

That might come with witnessing others talk about flaky, passive aggressive, or confrontational fandom friends in their fandoms. I know some of the friend secrets on here made me wary of getting too invested in fandom friends.

[(Anonymous)]

The idea seems to be that since people on the Internet can lie without being caught, the people who call themselves your friends on the Internet are all liars.

[biohazardgirl]

I don't think I've ever consciously cancelled plans to spend time with online friends, but I definitely have set up times to hang out with people online. It's just hanging out :D There's not any problem with that.

[cloud_riven]

I do the schedule thing too. If I'm going to be busy irl, or if I really, really want to play games or watch things with someone online, I just make room for it and try not to bail.

[(Anonymous)]

Just tell them you have other plans that day...or even just come right out and go "I don't feel like X today"

[(Anonymous)]

I've just spent the last six years working 70 hours a week at my demanding ladder-climbing job and justifying that I didn't want to go out to see RL friends because I was so tired at the end of the day. Besides, my Internet fandom friends were right there. I didn't have to go anywhere. It was so easy.

Now I'm nearing age 40, and I don't have any real-life friends, no boyfriend... nobody. It's frightening and very lonely. And I know it's because I didn't get my ass up. Sooner or later, even friends will "get your message" and stop calling you. And trust me, you don't want to know how empty that feels.

Go out. Be young. Be young face-to-face. You're not going to regret it.

[(Anonymous)]

It's fine to have lots of friends. But when you actively start cutting out some friends in favour of other friends, that can start to hurt people.

[elaminator]

Your fandom friends are still your friends though. Just because you met them online doesn't make them any less important or...well...real. Like an anon said, I realize some people don't ‘get’ that, but that's their issue. That you'll break plans for a friend that needs company or a little special attention seems perfectly normal, and reasonable to me.

Edited to add: as long as you don't neglect your RL friends, of course.

[lunabee34]

What this says about you is that you are a good friend whose friends don't all live in the same town as you.

In the way back, circa 1998, my husband was really active on AOL chat and had several friends that I'd call his "fake friends" because I didn't understand how he could really be friends with someone he'd never met that he found on the computer. Boy do I feel shitty about that now. LOL Some of my best friends are people I interact with almost entirely online, and I think that's totally valid.

I agree with the commenters who warn you against completely ignoring your RL friends, but other than that, I don't think you have anything to worry about at all.

[ninety6tears]

Why should you feel bad about giving time and support to different friends that just happen to only be available to you on the internet?

[(Anonymous)]

LOL, sorry, why would you feel bad for wanting to be there for a friend who needs it? Because your internet friends are somehow lesser friends than your friends face to face?

I know there are people who don't get that internet friendship is real friendship but I don't understand how someone who has internet friends can believe have the same opinion and think they should feel bad.

[cloud_riven]

It just means you value certain friendships over others. And that you're pretty awesome for being there for those friends when they're down ♥

The only thing that kind of bugs me is the dishonesty to the people you're seemingly flaking out on. Why bother making the plans in the first place :(

[la_petite_singe]

Eh, I'm totally the same way. It's understandable...er, I think.

[(Anonymous)]

If I specifically made plans to game online with friends (I play TF2 with both uni people and people I only know online), then hey, they're still plans and the friends are still friends. They don't HAVE to know what you're up to if you turn them down anyway. As long as you make an effort to see your RL friends sometimes, you shouldn't feel bad about spending time with online friends.

[gobbledigook]

What if you had both IRL and Internet friends in trouble?

[(Anonymous)]

I used to do this a lot when I was really into World of Warcraft. I would not answer my friends phone calls and then later tell them I had fallen asleep. A few years down the road and I've been doing the opposite -- cancelling things on World of Warcraft when other things come up.

Online friends can be great but at the same time they can disappear a lot more easily with no notice or forewarning versus real life friends. I've known people on World of Warcraft for six years but once they (or I, I've quit for extended periods of time) quit the game we generally fall out of touch because we lost that medium where we interacted so much. With real life friends that's a bit harder to do so just be careful how much you ignore your RL friends in favor of your online ones.

[citrinesunset]

Online/fandom friends can be friends, too, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to spend some time with them. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to spend all your time with your IRL friends.

That said, if you're canceling plans a lot (and not just in really serious situations where you feel like you need to be there for someone else), that can be rude and will likely cause your IRL friends to get fed up eventually. If you have actual plans with someone, I think it's polite to try to follow through with them if possible. Maybe instead of canceling plans that were already made, you can make fewer plans so that when you do go out with IRL friends, it's something you really want to do.

If you're just saying you're busy when someone asks you if you want to make plans, I think that's fine as long as you're putting in enough effort to maintain the relationships that are important to you.